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Middle child as an adult, choosing a maid of honour
GlasweJen
Posts: 7,451 Forumite
I'm the middle child and have 2 sisters.
Sister 1 got married about 10 years ago and I was her maid of honour along with my younger sister as my parents paid for the whole wedding and mum didn't approve of my sisters social group (her friends openly used drugs), younger sister was too young to sign the register so it was a no-brainier.
Sister 2 got married recently and I was maid of honour, bridesmaids were my older sister and 2 of my younger sisters friends. I was asked with a card and little sister telling my how much it would mean to her, we are very close etc. I was really touched. Big sister threw a strop as she felt it was her place but her kids were junior bridesmaids and flower girls so wee sister thought that was a bit much.
I have 3 nieces, all of them baptised. As MOH I should be a god mum but I'm not - it's a combination of my brothers, younger sister and some of my sisters junkie friends some of whom are now in jail. 2 of the kids have made confirmations (they're catholic), I was told the sponsor had to be catholic but the child I'm closest to sponsor is my sisters husbands cousin who is not a catholic or even remotely religious.
My family are Jewish so the religion thing doesn't bother me, I'm atheist but I wasn't even invited to the baptisms of the older 2. I refuse to use the kids as a weapon so never mentioned it to anyone before but I did feel skipped over, particularly as my sister doesn't actually talk to my brothers.
Anyway. At little sisters wedding recently big sister was basically "calling me out" by approaching old aunties and anyone who would listen and asking them to tell me that it was my duty to have her as my MOH as I was hers and she's never been MOH (neither has younger sister) she was doing this in front of me. I don't want her in my wedding at all, we are getting married abroad in a small wedding and I want my younger sister and best friend. My big sisters kids are a handful and I was left to deal with them at little sisters wedding as she and her husband got too drunk to look after them, they even forgot to send one away with the child minder and I had her in me and OH hotel room and down at breakfast with us and sister and BIL didn't notice! At my wedding I want her to look after her own kids so don't want to give her any responsibilities at all.
My mum has now hiked on board saying I should choose my older sister but then changes her mind when I point out how close younger sister and I are and how hurt she would be to be looked over.
I really don't know what to do. I was planning on asking my younger sister and friend to be bridesmaids/MOH when younger sister returns from honeymoon (OH and I decided to do no wedding planning until after little sisters wedding as Jewish weddings are huge and I had such a big part in organising it). We were also going to ask my nieces to be ushers and a ring bearer as we have no boys and thought it would be more grown up than junior bridesmaids (the two big ones will be teenagers when we get married).
I can see my sister throwing a huge strop and not allowing her kids to come to my wedding even though they mean the world to me but I don't see why I should pander to my older sister who has never conciousness included me in anything?
Sister 1 got married about 10 years ago and I was her maid of honour along with my younger sister as my parents paid for the whole wedding and mum didn't approve of my sisters social group (her friends openly used drugs), younger sister was too young to sign the register so it was a no-brainier.
Sister 2 got married recently and I was maid of honour, bridesmaids were my older sister and 2 of my younger sisters friends. I was asked with a card and little sister telling my how much it would mean to her, we are very close etc. I was really touched. Big sister threw a strop as she felt it was her place but her kids were junior bridesmaids and flower girls so wee sister thought that was a bit much.
I have 3 nieces, all of them baptised. As MOH I should be a god mum but I'm not - it's a combination of my brothers, younger sister and some of my sisters junkie friends some of whom are now in jail. 2 of the kids have made confirmations (they're catholic), I was told the sponsor had to be catholic but the child I'm closest to sponsor is my sisters husbands cousin who is not a catholic or even remotely religious.
My family are Jewish so the religion thing doesn't bother me, I'm atheist but I wasn't even invited to the baptisms of the older 2. I refuse to use the kids as a weapon so never mentioned it to anyone before but I did feel skipped over, particularly as my sister doesn't actually talk to my brothers.
Anyway. At little sisters wedding recently big sister was basically "calling me out" by approaching old aunties and anyone who would listen and asking them to tell me that it was my duty to have her as my MOH as I was hers and she's never been MOH (neither has younger sister) she was doing this in front of me. I don't want her in my wedding at all, we are getting married abroad in a small wedding and I want my younger sister and best friend. My big sisters kids are a handful and I was left to deal with them at little sisters wedding as she and her husband got too drunk to look after them, they even forgot to send one away with the child minder and I had her in me and OH hotel room and down at breakfast with us and sister and BIL didn't notice! At my wedding I want her to look after her own kids so don't want to give her any responsibilities at all.
My mum has now hiked on board saying I should choose my older sister but then changes her mind when I point out how close younger sister and I are and how hurt she would be to be looked over.
I really don't know what to do. I was planning on asking my younger sister and friend to be bridesmaids/MOH when younger sister returns from honeymoon (OH and I decided to do no wedding planning until after little sisters wedding as Jewish weddings are huge and I had such a big part in organising it). We were also going to ask my nieces to be ushers and a ring bearer as we have no boys and thought it would be more grown up than junior bridesmaids (the two big ones will be teenagers when we get married).
I can see my sister throwing a huge strop and not allowing her kids to come to my wedding even though they mean the world to me but I don't see why I should pander to my older sister who has never conciousness included me in anything?
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Comments
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Why does anyone need to be your Maid of Honour? Can't you just have bridesmaids?0
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Registry Office?0
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I don't want her as a bridesmaid either, I don't want her in my wedding at all.
As for registry office, that's out as OH is an only child and his family expect (and are paying a fair chunk of money for) a wedding.0 -
If you don't want her in the wedding, but do want her kids to have roles couldn't you give her an honorary roll that doesn't really give her any involvement other than looking after the kids? Like her daughters could be flower girls/ushers, and she's chief supervisory flower person?I don't want her as a bridesmaid either, I don't want her in my wedding at all.0 -
I don't think that would be enough to keep her happy, my gran thinks that the behaviour at the wedding was her way of ruining my experience of being MOH for my sister.
I do see this blowing into a huge argument, I'm quite stubborn and can't be bothered with people's rubbish and emotional blackmailing but she is just as stubborn and the worlds best manipulator.0 -
As for registry office, that's out as OH is an only child and his family expect (and are paying a fair chunk of money for) a wedding.
Sorry you have to deal with this while planning your special day.
This shouldn't matter to them. I find it very selfish of parents to dictate their kids special day because they're paying for it. I'd rather not use their money and do it the way I want. I am an only child and my parents wanted to come to my graduation etc as they played part in my education etc. But my wedding was entirely up to us.
Same with bridesmaids etc. It shouldn't matter what other people have done or who's turn it is. It should be the person/girls that are closest to you and where it would mean the most to you.
Unless you come from a very traditional background as there is just no room it deviate.03/26: OD £1200 600 500, CC £3914 3317, family £3100, loan £5618 5306 5036- total: £13832 12323 12003, mortgage £58,243 £57,766 571140 -
I'd go with tack:
-your wedding, your day, your choice and go with the sister you'd prefer.
From the sounds of it older sister rightly deserves to be invited to go whistle. Do be sure to mention the upcoming wedding multiple times infront of said older sisters children and get them excited about it (nothing wrong with that).
Older sister sounds like she'll be in much less of a position to cause any disruption / trouble on the day if she doesn't have a formal role
If particularly panicked slip the venue an extra £150 to have a suited security guy around to benevolently & politely help drunken guests towards taxis if required and should any close sibling get totally out of hand simply pop them out of your hair and onto the front door step until they calm down ;p0 -
This is all very petty and mean. Why would you not have her as bridesmaid? You shouldn't have one sister and not the other0
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You don't like your older sister and her children are a handful so why invite them at all?0
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Why not have two Maids of Honour ?0
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