Advent-ures in the MSE Forum... Our Advent calendar is live, helping you discover a new corner of the community each day. Visit the homepage and scroll down

going around in circles

Ok just need to put this down and see if people think I am mad, because I feel as if I am losing my mind.

Me and OH have been together for 12 years, living together for about 11 years married for 8 and have a daughter between us who is 7, OH has 2 children from previous marriage, eldest is 23 and lives on their own and the other is 18 and is living with us.

There is a largish age gap with me being 32 and my OH being 47, I work full time and OH currently works part time (16 hours) and had a period of 4 years when they didn’t work, which coincided with the birth of our daughter, which meant they stayed at home and looked after her whilst I worked much as I could, when my OH started working again, it was at less hours than previous, and has over the past 3 years reduced hours further and changed jobs to try and get experience for their ‘dream job’, but has caused a massive reduction in their income which now stands at under £6k a year, but is allowing them to volunteer and gain experience in the field they want to work in. although still hasn’t managed to get the job they want. I now have a well-paid job at just under £35k a year, but require a long journey each way (40 miles) and longish hours out of the house leaving at around 7 and most days not getting home till around 6.

Household chores are generally split, with me doing the cooking, washing up, vacuuming, dusting, floor washing, and food shopping, with my OH doing the clothes washing, ironing and most of the tidying up (due to being in the house more), I do tend to do most of the taxing around as my OH has epilepsy and doesn’t like driving when its darker, so I tend to drive my step daughter around when its later/darker/buses not running, and also pick our daughter up from afterschool club on the way home from work, so long as i am not too late, and my OH takes our daughter to school in the morning.

Overall this probably doesn’t seem to be any major problems granted, but what has been really getting to me is when I have tried to remember when the last time we was happy, or even really spoken to each other about anything other than the functional things such as what are we having to eat tonight, or daughter has a play at school etc. We also don’t ever seem to do anything together; we don’t like the same programs on TV, and generally seem to live our lives in parallel to each other only occasionally crossing. In some ways, it feels as if we are just sleep walking through life, just waiting for death whilst we plod along doing the same thing.

This feeling of plodding is made worse by the fact that before I met my OH I used to do a lot, such as rock climbing, caving, abseiling, rowing, archery, bungee jumping as well as the normal clubbing, pubs and just generally meeting up and going out with friends, but since having moved in with my OH all these things quickly dwindled due to the demands of the household and lack of money, as well as having left all my friends and family to move here. Now the highlight of my week seems to be going to do the weekly shop on a Saturday morning.

Our finances are a mess, having got into more and more debt each year, and having increased the mortgage twice now to cover the debt, and it is now at a point in which my OH has no chance of affording the house on their own, granted this is down to also reducing their wage by 2/3rds since we got together, but this still bothers me as they have been living in this house well before I was around, in fact they have been in the house for roughly 25 years, as I moved in with my OH as I lived 250 miles away when we first got together, and didn’t have kids, so was easier for me to move away from where I grew up so I didn’t take my OH away from their kids.

Since I have moved in with my OH, we have never seemed to have much money, and what we have we spent on the kids, so I have never actually made any friends, as I couldn’t afford to go out, although my OH has friends around the area as they grew up here, I have also had multiple jobs to try and move up the career ladder, so haven’t been in a job long enough to make any real friends (longest I was in a job is about 2 years), so in the evening instead of seeing friends and doing things we tend to sit watching different things, my OH on the main TV and me on the computer, or my OH will go over to one of their friends to catch up. Well that’s unless my OH isn’t out training, as they have for the last couple of years been doing more exercise etc. But that’s generally only 1-2 nights a week if it’s not raining. And I have actually enjoyed this as it has given me some quiet time to relax, and usually when my OH comes back from training they are in a good mood so tends to be a bit chattier during the rest of the evening.

And this is without taking into account we have only on average made love 2-3 times a year for the past 7 years or so, which to me isn’t enough, and after trying different ways to get my OH in the mood, but quite often told bluntly ‘not tonight’ or ‘I’m tired’ or some other reason to not do anything, I pretty much gave up trying, thinking that the pressure might be the problem, when that didn’t change anything I have tried to talk about it with my OH, usually trying to talk about it turns into a grump, with us not really talking to us for the rest of the day/night, because from their perspective ‘sex isn’t everything’, to which my response is ‘well it should at least be something’.

This seems to have morphed into resentment and now detachment from me to the point that I now feel awkward when we touch, and when I try to look at my OH and get some sort of desire it just doesn’t happen, and so when the last time we tried to make love, from my perspective it was frustrating and not even close to satisfying, although my OH was satisfied, so I should be happy, but I am not, I just don’t feel anything like that anymore, and actually feel better now when we don’t do anything and I can just get into bed and roll over and go to sleep. Although this is less of a concern nowadays as we don’t go to bed together any longer, with my OH usually going up to bed at least an hour before I do, so is normally asleep by the time I go to bed.

Now I wrote a letter about 5 months ago putting down what was bothering me into it, and there was a slight improvement for a while, but it was mainly focused on the sexual side of things and it once again just wasn’t ‘working’ for me, my OH now seems to go from an angry/upset ‘we may as well finish it’ to a happy ‘we can fix it’ mood since that point, and although I can understand the emotional roller-coaster they are going through I still seem to be stuck in apathy about most things, and actually I am getting annoyed because most of the time I feel like I am walking on egg shells as not to upset things. And I actually regret having written the letter as I just feel even more uncomfortable about things now.

This all seems to have been exaggerated by some bad timing as I started a my latest job not long after the letter, where I have actually clicked really well with someone in my new job (in friends terms only, even though they are the opposite sex), and have over the Christmas period gone out with them and some other people at work a few times, however as this is a distance from where I live and I have wanted to drink, I have had to stay overnight in a Travelodge, this has caused my OH to go into fits of jealousy thinking that I am having an affair with my friend, even though as I have said I don’t actually find them in the slightest attractive, but this has meant I now generally only talk to them at work as any texting or chatting when I am at home gets the evils and usually a questionnaire about what I have been talking about.

Now I don’t want to split my family up, or make my OH lose their home, let alone have a situation where I won’t get to see my daughter every day because of contact/care being split between us, but I can’t see how I can get my feeling back for my OH.

We have even had a bit of counselling and are due to have a few more sessions, but the bit we have already had, I don’t feel as if anything helped as we just seem to go over everything that we have said anyway outside of the sessions, I just don’t know what to do at the moment, I feel so much guilt that I can’t feel what I should for my OH as things are, and even more guilt that if I can’t sort myself out, I am going to be making my OH lose their home of 25 years, as well as making my daughter and step daughter have to move out of their home, and also have their family split in the process, but I just don’t know what to do any longer.

Although there is one option which would mean my daughter would not have to move out but I’m not sure about it, basically my OH’s brother (who is quite well off) is willing to ‘buy’ the house, but not at market value, just at the value of the mortgage and then ‘rent’ the house back to my OH, this basically means I would have to walk away from all the equity in the house (currently around £120k) as well as take the debt with me (just under £20k), which because of my earning capacity is all in my name, so basically means that after 10 years of putting everything I have earned, plus all my time and effort on the upkeep of the house and family, I would have only a large debt to show for it, which is going to take me roughly 7 years to pay off.

My OH says I am being too negative, and that if I stopped being so negative things would get better, and that if I tried more we could fix things, I know they are trying, as they have started to do a few more things such as drying the pots after tea, and even cooking when i am due home later than normal and trying to hug me more, but the hugs still make me feel uncomfortable, and then the things I am doing just don’t seem to be noticed such as sitting on the sofa and watching the programs they want to watch (which I usually can’t stand), and trying to talk about my life more, although this is difficult as I work closely with my (new) friend and don’t seem to be able to mention them without things turning sour.

My OH has also said they think I am depressed due to all the hours and demands at work, and that they can’t take things much longer and that I need to just work on things and talk about what’s bothering me, yet whenever I say about what’s bothering me their reaction is always ‘so that’s it then, our marriage is over’, which just makes me feel horrible because I don’t want things to end just because I can’t work out how to make things work. so I then stop talking about whats bothering me, which starts a argument because I am not saying whats bothering me. But on the other side I don’t want to hurt my OH anymore and I do just not seem able to change how things are at the moment.

I don’t know, just seem to be ranting now so will stop
«13

Replies

  • Fluff15Fluff15 Forumite
    1.4K Posts
    Forumite
    next_step wrote: »
    Ok just need to put this down and see if people think I am mad, because I feel as if I am losing my mind.

    Me and OH have been together for 12 years, living together for about 11 years married for 8 and have a daughter between us who is 7, OH has 2 children from previous marriage, eldest is 23 and lives on their own and the other is 18 and is living with us.

    There is a largish age gap with me being 32 and my OH being 47, I work full time and OH currently works part time (16 hours) and had a period of 4 years when they didn’t work, which coincided with the birth of our daughter, which meant they stayed at home and looked after her whilst I worked much as I could, when my OH started working again, it was at less hours than previous, and has over the past 3 years reduced hours further and changed jobs to try and get experience for their ‘dream job’, but has caused a massive reduction in their income which now stands at under £6k a year, but is allowing them to volunteer and gain experience in the field they want to work in. although still hasn’t managed to get the job they want. I now have a well-paid job at just under £35k a year, but require a long journey each way (40 miles) and longish hours out of the house leaving at around 7 and most days not getting home till around 6.

    Household chores are generally split, with me doing the cooking, washing up, vacuuming, dusting, floor washing, and food shopping, with my OH doing the clothes washing, ironing and most of the tidying up (due to being in the house more), I do tend to do most of the taxing around as my OH has epilepsy and doesn’t like driving when its darker, so I tend to drive my step daughter around when its later/darker/buses not running, and also pick our daughter up from afterschool club on the way home from work, so long as i am not too late, and my OH takes our daughter to school in the morning.

    Overall this probably doesn’t seem to be any major problems granted, but what has been really getting to me is when I have tried to remember when the last time we was happy, or even really spoken to each other about anything other than the functional things such as what are we having to eat tonight, or daughter has a play at school etc. We also don’t ever seem to do anything together; we don’t like the same programs on TV, and generally seem to live our lives in parallel to each other only occasionally crossing. In some ways, it feels as if we are just sleep walking through life, just waiting for death whilst we plod along doing the same thing.

    This feeling of plodding is made worse by the fact that before I met my OH I used to do a lot, such as rock climbing, caving, abseiling, rowing, archery, bungee jumping as well as the normal clubbing, pubs and just generally meeting up and going out with friends, but since having moved in with my OH all these things quickly dwindled due to the demands of the household and lack of money, as well as having left all my friends and family to move here. Now the highlight of my week seems to be going to do the weekly shop on a Saturday morning.

    Our finances are a mess, having got into more and more debt each year, and having increased the mortgage twice now to cover the debt, and it is now at a point in which my OH has no chance of affording the house on their own, granted this is down to also reducing their wage by 2/3rds since we got together, but this still bothers me as they have been living in this house well before I was around, in fact they have been in the house for roughly 25 years, as I moved in with my OH as I lived 250 miles away when we first got together, and didn’t have kids, so was easier for me to move away from where I grew up so I didn’t take my OH away from their kids.

    Since I have moved in with my OH, we have never seemed to have much money, and what we have we spent on the kids, so I have never actually made any friends, as I couldn’t afford to go out, although my OH has friends around the area as they grew up here, I have also had multiple jobs to try and move up the career ladder, so haven’t been in a job long enough to make any real friends (longest I was in a job is about 2 years), so in the evening instead of seeing friends and doing things we tend to sit watching different things, my OH on the main TV and me on the computer, or my OH will go over to one of their friends to catch up. Well that’s unless my OH isn’t out training, as they have for the last couple of years been doing more exercise etc. But that’s generally only 1-2 nights a week if it’s not raining. And I have actually enjoyed this as it has given me some quiet time to relax, and usually when my OH comes back from training they are in a good mood so tends to be a bit chattier during the rest of the evening.

    And this is without taking into account we have only on average made love 2-3 times a year for the past 7 years or so, which to me isn’t enough, and after trying different ways to get my OH in the mood, but quite often told bluntly ‘not tonight’ or ‘I’m tired’ or some other reason to not do anything, I pretty much gave up trying, thinking that the pressure might be the problem, when that didn’t change anything I have tried to talk about it with my OH, usually trying to talk about it turns into a grump, with us not really talking to us for the rest of the day/night, because from their perspective ‘sex isn’t everything’, to which my response is ‘well it should at least be something’.

    This seems to have morphed into resentment and now detachment from me to the point that I now feel awkward when we touch, and when I try to look at my OH and get some sort of desire it just doesn’t happen, and so when the last time we tried to make love, from my perspective it was frustrating and not even close to satisfying, although my OH was satisfied, so I should be happy, but I am not, I just don’t feel anything like that anymore, and actually feel better now when we don’t do anything and I can just get into bed and roll over and go to sleep. Although this is less of a concern nowadays as we don’t go to bed together any longer, with my OH usually going up to bed at least an hour before I do, so is normally asleep by the time I go to bed.

    Now I wrote a letter about 5 months ago putting down what was bothering me into it, and there was a slight improvement for a while, but it was mainly focused on the sexual side of things and it once again just wasn’t ‘working’ for me, my OH now seems to go from an angry/upset ‘we may as well finish it’ to a happy ‘we can fix it’ mood since that point, and although I can understand the emotional roller-coaster they are going through I still seem to be stuck in apathy about most things, and actually I am getting annoyed because most of the time I feel like I am walking on egg shells as not to upset things. And I actually regret having written the letter as I just feel even more uncomfortable about things now.

    This all seems to have been exaggerated by some bad timing as I started a my latest job not long after the letter, where I have actually clicked really well with someone in my new job (in friends terms only, even though they are the opposite sex), and have over the Christmas period gone out with them and some other people at work a few times, however as this is a distance from where I live and I have wanted to drink, I have had to stay overnight in a Travelodge, this has caused my OH to go into fits of jealousy thinking that I am having an affair with my friend, even though as I have said I don’t actually find them in the slightest attractive, but this has meant I now generally only talk to them at work as any texting or chatting when I am at home gets the evils and usually a questionnaire about what I have been talking about.

    Now I don’t want to split my family up, or make my OH lose their home, let alone have a situation where I won’t get to see my daughter every day because of contact/care being split between us, but I can’t see how I can get my feeling back for my OH.

    We have even had a bit of counselling and are due to have a few more sessions, but the bit we have already had, I don’t feel as if anything helped as we just seem to go over everything that we have said anyway outside of the sessions, I just don’t know what to do at the moment, I feel so much guilt that I can’t feel what I should for my OH as things are, and even more guilt that if I can’t sort myself out, I am going to be making my OH lose their home of 25 years, as well as making my daughter and step daughter have to move out of their home, and also have their family split in the process, but I just don’t know what to do any longer.

    Although there is one option which would mean my daughter would not have to move out but I’m not sure about it, basically my OH’s brother (who is quite well off) is willing to ‘buy’ the house, but not at market value, just at the value of the mortgage and then ‘rent’ the house back to my OH, this basically means I would have to walk away from all the equity in the house (currently around £120k) as well as take the debt with me (just under £20k), which because of my earning capacity is all in my name, so basically means that after 10 years of putting everything I have earned, plus all my time and effort on the upkeep of the house and family, I would have only a large debt to show for it, which is going to take me roughly 7 years to pay off.

    My OH says I am being too negative, and that if I stopped being so negative things would get better, and that if I tried more we could fix things, I know they are trying, as they have started to do a few more things such as drying the pots after tea, and even cooking when i am due home later than normal and trying to hug me more, but the hugs still make me feel uncomfortable, and then the things I am doing just don’t seem to be noticed such as sitting on the sofa and watching the programs they want to watch (which I usually can’t stand), and trying to talk about my life more, although this is difficult as I work closely with my (new) friend and don’t seem to be able to mention them without things turning sour.

    My OH has also said they think I am depressed due to all the hours and demands at work, and that they can’t take things much longer and that I need to just work on things and talk about what’s bothering me, yet whenever I say about what’s bothering me their reaction is always ‘so that’s it then, our marriage is over’, which just makes me feel horrible because I don’t want things to end just because I can’t work out how to make things work. so I then stop talking about whats bothering me, which starts a argument because I am not saying whats bothering me. But on the other side I don’t want to hurt my OH anymore and I do just not seem able to change how things are at the moment.

    I don’t know, just seem to be ranting now so will stop

    Do you still love your OH? What do you actually want from this? Your relationship doesn't sound terrible, just stale.

    Have you tried counselling sessions separately from each other also?

    Apart from counselling, have you tried actually spending quality time together? Going for walks, picnics, hiking - all free and don't cost much. It sounds like both of you know something is wrong but neither have bother changing as much. I know this is your post but what have you actually done to try and improve the relationship too? Sounds like a load of the effort came from your OH, but you must be doing something for them to feel put out also.
  • Fluff15 wrote: »
    Do you still love your OH? What do you actually want from this? Your relationship doesn't sound terrible, just stale.

    Have you tried counselling sessions separately from each other also?

    Apart from counselling, have you tried actually spending quality time together? Going for walks, picnics, hiking - all free and don't cost much. It sounds like both of you know something is wrong but neither have bother changing as much. I know this is your post but what have you actually done to try and improve the relationship too? Sounds like a load of the effort came from your OH, but you must be doing something for them to feel put out also.

    i do love my OH, but it does feel more like love for a friend because the intamcy hasnt been there, i know i have withdrawn myself from those feelings as always being rejected and told to leave my OH alone because now is not the time or place, or they are tired etc just hurt so much over the years that i found the easiest way to not get hurt was not to put myself in a place that i could be rejected.

    and i have been trying to spend more time with them, but it is so difficult to get time together as getting home at 6, i start cooking striaght away, so we sit down to eat at about 6:30, finish off eating then wash up the dishes, then get my daughter washed and in her PJ's and into bed, i then usualy have to pop out to get things from the shop (always seems to be something we need be it milk bread etc) by the time i get back from the shop its usualy 8:30 ish and my OH usually goes to bed not long after 9, which is when i try to sit and watch what ever they are watching on TV, but i am not tired at that point as its usualy 10:30-11 by the time i am looking at going to bed

    weekends are usually busy doing chores that i havent manged to do during the week because of work, or taxiing the kids about, and the spare time is spent with our daughter etc, so quality 'us' time just doesnt seem to happen :(
  • Can't the 18 year old look after your youngest daughter sometimes to give you a bit of time together? the 18 year old should also be doing some of the household chores as well.
  • Can't the 18 year old look after your youngest daughter sometimes to give you a bit of time together? the 18 year old should also be doing some of the household chores as well.

    she has looked after her a few times for us, but OH doesnt like leaving our daughter for long.

    and yes that has been a long standing argument between me and my OH about how much the older two have never done around the house, but as they are only my step children i always get overridden on how we should treat them and go about things in regards to that
  • FBabyFBaby Forumite
    18.4K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    You need to start acting like a couple again if you are to possibly fall in love with each other again. At the moment, all you share are the not so fun part of being married, you need to bring back the other half.

    It is so easy to be caught up in every day life and start taking each other for granted. I think this is the main reason for divorces. Unfortunately, you two left it late to realise this and do something about it. There is probably still a chance to go back, but it will take more energy and time.

    As it's been suggested, the best thing you can do is make time for just the two of you. My OH and have full on life separately so we do make sure that we have conscious time together. That usually involved one activity together during the week-end, usually going for a walk when we talk, sometimes lightly, sometimes more seriously, but never putting pressure on the other. We also plan 3 of 4 breaks a year just him and I and it is incredible how these 48 hours bring up closer and keep us so for weeks afterwards. We also plan them in advance so we get to look forward to them. We then ensure we spend at least 1 hour together in the evenings, unless it isn't possible. We too don't like the same things on TV, but we'll watch one programme and the other tries to get into it, or we will go on our tablets, but at least we are cuddling together on the sofa.

    What matters is that you are both wanting the same thing (to rekindle your marriage) and are prepared to make the right efforts at the right time. Keep up with the counselling, it always starts slow, but after a few sessions, you should start discussing deeper issues.

    If despite all this and having giving it 100%, you still don't feel any sense of romantic love towards your wife, then it might be time to accept that you need to move on even if the consequences will be tough for all to start with.
  • edited 26 February 2015 at 1:21PM
    DKLSDKLS Forumite
    13.5K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    edited 26 February 2015 at 1:21PM
    OH started working again, it was at less hours than previous, and has over the past 3 years reduced hours further and changed jobs to try and get experience for their ‘dream job’, but has caused a massive reduction in their income which now stands at under £6k a year, but is allowing them to volunteer and gain experience in the field they want to work in. although still hasn’t managed to get the job they want.

    The above paragraph stood out for me, how long have they been trying to get this dream job? I can understand the decision to take a temporary financial hit to learn new skills, gain qualifications and experience to improve the families lot later. To do that you need a clear realistic plan with objectives and timescales and if he isn't delivering to put it simply he isn't much of a husband he is a drain on the family.

    Combined with the rest of your post, it sounds like the relationship died a long time ago and your just going through the motions of a family life.

    He reminds me of a friends husband who jacked in a well paying job to follow his "dream" of being a writer. Which judging by his Facebook involves smoking drugs and improving his playstation gamer scores, In the past 10 years he has had a poem published in the local free rag.
  • Fluff15Fluff15 Forumite
    1.4K Posts
    Forumite
    FBaby wrote: »
    You need to start acting like a couple again if you are to possibly fall in love with each other again. At the moment, all you share are the not so fun part of being married, you need to bring back the other half.

    It is so easy to be caught up in every day life and start taking each other for granted. I think this is the main reason for divorces. Unfortunately, you two left it late to realise this and do something about it. There is probably still a chance to go back, but it will take more energy and time.

    As it's been suggested, the best thing you can do is make time for just the two of you. My OH and have full on life separately so we do make sure that we have conscious time together. That usually involved one activity together during the week-end, usually going for a walk when we talk, sometimes lightly, sometimes more seriously, but never putting pressure on the other. We also plan 3 of 4 breaks a year just him and I and it is incredible how these 48 hours bring up closer and keep us so for weeks afterwards. We also plan them in advance so we get to look forward to them. We then ensure we spend at least 1 hour together in the evenings, unless it isn't possible. We too don't like the same things on TV, but we'll watch one programme and the other tries to get into it, or we will go on our tablets, but at least we are cuddling together on the sofa.

    What matters is that you are both wanting the same thing (to rekindle your marriage) and are prepared to make the right efforts at the right time. Keep up with the counselling, it always starts slow, but after a few sessions, you should start discussing deeper issues.

    If despite all this and having giving it 100%, you still don't feel any sense of romantic love towards your wife, then it might be time to accept that you need to move on even if the consequences will be tough for all to start with.

    I wrote a big long reply to the OP and it wouldn't send - but what I typed was essentially this.

    OP - you do have plenty of time to make room for each other, the reasons you're giving for not having the time are just loose excuses. You don't have to go to the shop every evening, you're avoiding your OH - go at lunch time, they can go after picking LO up from school. If you're always running out you should know to buy more in the weekly shop.

    Don't expect things to change overnight, it will take weeks, maybe months. But try to rekindle what you once had. If after a period you are still sure there's nothing there but you can honestly say you've both given it 100%, then that is the time to split.
  • my OH has been looking at moving into the job about 4 years ago, has done a extra qualifaction which cost roughly £600 although this took considerably longer than the expected time and had to pay for a extension to get it completed, they are currently doing a second qualifaction costing roughly £500, to cover a different aspect of the job but this has also stalled and has not had any progress for over 8 months,
  • Fluff15 wrote: »
    I wrote a big long reply to the OP and it wouldn't send - but what I typed was essentially this.

    OP - you do have plenty of time to make room for each other, the reasons you're giving for not having the time are just loose excuses. You don't have to go to the shop every evening, you're avoiding your OH - go at lunch time, they can go after picking LO up from school. If you're always running out you should know to buy more in the weekly shop.

    Don't expect things to change overnight, it will take weeks, maybe months. But try to rekindle what you once had. If after a period you are still sure there's nothing there but you can honestly say you've both given it 100%, then that is the time to split.

    the things i usually need to get are things i havent been told about when i go to do the shop such as the things i dont use myself like some of the special face scrub my OH needs, or even things such as sanatary towels for my step daughter, or the milk or bread which we dont have the space to store, but yes i guess i need to be more prepared with the shopping list before i head off on the Saturday,

    but as to lunch time, ha chance would be a fine thing, have to eat whilst i am working at my desk because there is no way i can spare 30 mins in the day to stop working without having to stay 30 mins later in the evening, therefore getting even less time to spend with my daughter and as i only get 20 mins or so in the morning and 2 hours in the evening with her 30 mins less a day just so i can pop to the shop during lunch is not something i am going to take when i can go after she is in bed.

    but i have been trying to rekindle it, just seem to be failing, spedning time watching their shows on TV, trying to talk about my work life (without mentioning my friend), even giving my OH kisses and cuddles when i leave and come home (which i havent done for years) but everything still seems strained, we have another session with the councellor on Monday so i am hoping they can give some more advice on things, my worry is that we can only really afford another couple of sessions after this before we cant afford it any more so if things dont start moving forward what is going to happen
  • tattycathtattycath Forumite
    7.2K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts
    Forumite
    DKLS wrote: »
    OH started working again, it was at less hours than previous, and has over the past 3 years reduced hours further and changed jobs to try and get experience for their ‘dream job’, but has caused a massive reduction in their income which now stands at under £6k a year, but is allowing them to volunteer and gain experience in the field they want to work in. although still hasn’t managed to get the job they want.

    The above paragraph stood out for me, how long have they been trying to get this dream job? I can understand the decision to take a temporary financial hit to learn new skills, gain qualifications and experience to improve the families lot later. To do that you need a clear realistic plan with objectives and timescales and if he isn't delivering to put it simply he isn't much of a husband he is a drain on the family.

    Combined with the rest of your post, it sounds like the relationship died a long time ago and your just going through the motions of a family life.

    He reminds me of a friends husband who jacked in a well paying job to follow his "dream" of being a writer. Which judging by his Facebook involves smoking drugs and improving his playstation gamer scores, In the past 10 years he has had a poem published in the local free rag.

    I must have missed something, I thought this was about the wife.
    I agree, it does sound like the relationship died a while ago.
    Try to get time together without the kids, without distractions and concentrate/discuss what you both want out of the relationship-to at least ascertain whether or not you're on the same page.
    GE 36 *MFD may 2043
    MFIT-T5 #60 £136,850.30
    Mortgage overpayments 2019 - £285.96
    2020 Jan-£40-feb-£18.28.march-£25
    Christmas savings card 2020 £20/£100
    Emergency savings £100/£500
    12/3/17 175lb - 06/11/2019 152lb
This discussion has been closed.
Latest MSE News and Guides

Cheapest Christmas dinner

We've crunched the numbers to find the best prices

MSE News

Advent Competitions

The countdown is on

MSE Forum