Uninhabitable flat- Urgent help needed for kids in first flat

duchy

It's ironic
Plenty of parents of the generation who are now going to uni -didn't go themselves or went later on so at eighteen or nineteen were already in the workforce and often living away from home. Heck at nineteen I was married with a mortgage -and it wasn't uncommon in the early eighties to do so.
Did I make some bad choices at nineteen ? Of course I did - but I sorted them out where I could, learned from my mistakes and moved on. My parents often gave advice I ignored (I was nineteen I was an adult after all ) and let me learn. Sometimes the only way to learn *is* the hard way. They were there with support but ultimately the decisions were mine.

This trend of more kids going to uni does seem to give parents the opportunity to hold on (dare I say -interfere ) for longer and try to wallpaper over the cracks more . Consequence appears to be a dirty word.

Worst scenario is the young men (they aren't boys -they are deemed old enough to sign contracts and be legally held to them) can't get out of the contract or prevail on the landlord to make repairs. An uncomfortable year maybe but not the end of the world. They are in London, they have great uni facilities, lots of places to go and things to do - and other students will have nicer digs that they will choose to hang out in instead of their own. Yes they may choose to spend study time in the library rather than at home -which in itself isn't always a bad thing. They might go home for weekends more often too (which Mum might appreciate too).

The up side is if they have any sense they will find 3rd year accommodation early and ALL of them view it. They will learn that even good friends can make mistakes and that one person's "it'll do to live in" is another person's palace.......or pig sty.

They'll learn never sign for anything if you don't know exactly what you are signing for. They will learn they are the masters of their own destiny good and bad.

They will also learn parents can't always make it better.....and they might even learn that living in halls wasn't so bad after all and take up a halls place for their third year in exchange for mentoring in halls (Just think of the advice they could give to freshers on finding a flat !)

Yes it isn't ideal ...and maybe just maybe the parents could have asked more questions (like -did you view the property before committing OUR money). Maybe that is part of the problem that it wasn't their money that they were parting with.

Help with advice, point out where they can go for advice - uni welfare, Shelter, EH etc and let them short it . They are intelligent young men capable of learning to deal with red tape -this experience will add common sense to their portfolio of skills.

Yes the fault can be spread...... the boys themselves, the parents for parting with money without asking the right questions, the landlord (although that's debatable- *someone* viewed the property after all) but now it has happened it's a case of where to go from here -and learning lessons from it.

I must admit with a son of the same age of these lads I'd be livid if he wasted my money with such carelessness but I think I'd have probably asked more questions before parting with it .

On a practical note - finding a large flat starting after term has started that fits in with uni end dates might be problematic so they may end up with nowhere or paying a lot more so ultimately staying there may be the lesser evil.

SuzieSue

orangefusion wrote: »

I have just found this, this is who I am dealing with:

http://www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/news/topstories/4165676.Landlord_brothers_fined___41_000_for_breaking_safety_rules/

Any of you care to support this bunch of crooks now?

I wouldn't bother trying to justify helping your child.

All the people on here would try to help their own children if they were in the same position but for some reason they call other people who try to do the same helicopter parents.

It happens on this forum all the time, so don't take it personally.

They really can't help it and I would just feel sorry for them.

It's a case of don't do what I would do but do as I say so just ignore them.

They aren't worth bothering about.

bouicca21

Suzie I think you (and the OP) are missing the point. Of course we would all help our children, but there is a difference between help that infantilises and help that assists them to become independent adults. This is one where the young men in question need to take advice and make their own decisions, not expect someone else to sort it out for them. And actually we don't even know whether they welcome parental intervention or not. When mine were in a difficult situation at uni they made it very clear that mum was not to get involved. Accepting that was very difficult, but letting go is part of a parent's job.

Jagraf

I've read this with great interest - I have a couple of years to go before my DD makes these big decisions, but I feel for the OP.

It's one thing being wet behind the ears and having to learn

It's another thing someone taking advantage of those who are wet behind the ears.

I think its nice to have a mum who sticks up for you. My mum still sticks up for me and I'm 42!

xylophone

Nah not an chemistry degree they dont.

Is clear, grammatical English not required if answering a question in a chemistry paper?

anselld

xylophone wrote: »

Is clear, grammatical English not required if answering a question in a chemistry paper?

N + O -> NO
You must be having a laugh

Jagraf

SuzieSue wrote: »

I wouldn't bother trying to justify helping your child.

All the people on here would try to help their own children if they were in the same position but for some reason they call other people who try to do the same helicopter parents.

I agree we all help our children, and agree with your post. We can step back and think "this will teach them the hard way" but we still want what's best for them.

If my child had worked so hard he/she got a place at imperial studying chemistry, I wouldn't want him or her to be so uncomfortable at uni that it hindered his study. He is obviously motivated and it takes a lot of studying to do a chem degree.

The bigger lesson here I think is that we don't lie back and accept things, that we fight our corner for fairness. But if a parent can help out so it doesn't jeopardise study at the same time, why not help?

We should learn by our mistakes. However, student life isn't really like the young ones anymore.

londongirl

Totally agree with SuzieSue - why is it people come on and jump down people's throats on some threads - thinking that 18 year olds need to learn the hard way without any help from parents, sure they will still learn a lesson but with parents helping them to get out of a mess that they might not yet know how to deal with themselves. On another thread an adult with a family (and you would imagine more life experince than a group of 18 year olds) has paid £500 on a deposit on a new build house on the spur of them moment, got home and realised the house was too small for his family - yet has got all the sympathy in the world on the forum and given advice on how to try and claim it back. Yet on this thread, a mum just trying to get advice to help her son who has also made a mistake gets jumped on!

Pixie5740

duchy wrote: »

It's ironic
Plenty of parents of the generation who are now going to uni -didn't go themselves or went later on so at eighteen or nineteen were already in the workforce and often living away from home. Heck at nineteen I was married with a mortgage -and it wasn't uncommon in the early eighties to do.

I understand what you're saying but at 19 you were financially independent from your parents with your own mortgage.

Students are a bit of an anomaly in that the government takes into account the parents' income when working out how much financial support to give the student in terms of loans and bursaries so they're still dependent on their parents to a certain degree. I've always found that odd. At 16 I could be off fighting for Queen & Country, I could have got myself knocked up and been supported by the government, but at the age of 17 when I started university it was my parents' income that determined the amount of support that I'd get despite my parents' not supporting me financially throughout university. Anyway, back to the thread topic...

topdaddy_2

xylophone wrote: »

Is clear, grammatical English not required if answering a question in a chemistry paper?

Nope .