Would you invest in a relationship where yr partner refused to pay for meals outside

HappyMJ

A question if you don't mind me asking and only if you know the answer. Just how much in savings does he have? Obviously not enough to own a house which to me would be really important if the person in question had no intention of ever working again. How long are these savings projected to last for? What does the minimum net worth of someone need to be for them to choose to never work again but have a reasonable lifestyle...not just a £5 concert ticket every 2 weeks but a proper reasonable lifestyle?

I'm asking as part of it kind of sounds a bit like me. I have no intention of ever working full time ever again as I feel that I do have a reasonable income already where I don't need to work full time to pay the bills on a month to month basis. My income is the profits I make from my on-line trading activities which to the general outsider doesn't look like I'm working at all as I don't leave home and there are no set hours. If I did choose to go out and work for someone else then I could earn and spend much more money but in my opinion on what. I do not agree to working a whole day for someone earning £50 (take home after tax on £10/hr/7.5hr/day less tax and NI and travel to/from work costs) to go and spend that on a nice meal in the evening which a 3 course meal at a proper restaurant with full service and with drinks and taxi transport there and back (as I could not drive after drinking a bottle of wine) could easily cost. Actually after looking it up at my OH's favourite restaurants web site it would cost much more...the cheap deal...a 3 course fixed menu deal is £24.95 per person and a bottle of house wine is £15.50. I would rather spend the whole day with my partner sourcing the ingredients and making a nice dinner myself using quality food and getting a couple bottles of wine delivered from the supermarket. Once a month if not more often we do go out to what I consider to be relatively cheap restaurants and have a meal with a voucher I've found on the internet or emailed to me. The restaurants I prefer might be Harvester, Toby Carvey, Beefeater, Flaming Grill or a locally owned restaurant doing a Groupon deal or maybe a pub that does food where the average menu price of a main course is about £7 or £5 with a deal/voucher. I gather I just don't have the ability to earn enough to satisfy a potential partner. I would never expect her to pay for me though...I just wouldn't go to the super expensive full service restaurant. They do have budget lunches on offer and I've suggested that we go then but that didn't go down very well.

I wonder how much this guy spends each week.....anyone could if it really came down to it could live on £20 a week but it doesn't get you very much barely getting enough food for the week and not much else.

Re: the cinema. I don't like the price either and would prefer to watch the film at home. It's £11.70 each for a Saturday evening 3D ticket plus the obligatory (medium) popcorn and (medium) drink each which now comes to almost £20 plus the taxi there and back as it's now late at night and buses don't run adding another £7. That's almost £50 as well. Quite an expensive outing. I really don't mind going on Orange Wednesdays or Bargain Tuesdays (£5.80/ticket) though and watching the film in 2D with a packet of crisps and drinks purchased from the neighbouring Home Bargains and smuggled in but the OH says that makes me and therefore "us" look cheap.

JIL

Is he as boring in real life as he sounds in your description of him?
If there's no spark you can't force it.

duchy

He lives at home - so is living with people (his parents) who enable him to sit on his backside and not bother contributing - either to the family financially ....or to society.

Unfortunately people with this kind of lifestyle when they do leave home tend to expect nothing to change. Suppose you stayed with him - and he moved in with you. Would you expect him to pay his way or would you be happy to subsidize him the way his parents have raised him to expect ? Even if he got a job - he doesn't like spending money- so are you prepared to do without-A man who'd walk five miles rather than pay bus fare is a man who'd rather be cold in winter than turn up the heating for example. Fine if you share the same feelings - miserable if don't.

FBaby

To be fair on the guy, if he has to watch every penny, it is no surprise that he doesn't want to spend money on things that mean nothing to him. Not everyone enjoys going out and fancy food. Actually to think about it, I don't enjoy it that much myself and even though I can afford it, I would rather spend my money doing something else.

It is his attitude to work that would be a complete turn off for me as you can call it all you want, but to me, it is nothing more than laziness and unwillingness to take responsibility so I wouldn't care how loving one person was, it would be an automatic dumping for me.

burnoutbabe

It would be fine for him to not work if he was say 40-45 and had bought a house and had savings and could, living frugrally, not work again (and still have an okay retirement). By MSEing I am in that position, I still work but it does mean I don't worry about job changes and never feel tied to a job as I could leave if I wanted with no worries.

But he doesn't sound quite like that.

Your just not suited. How would he fund a joint house purchase/rental?

However, he could make a perfect house husband who stays at home and does all the childcare. It depends what lifestyle you want. If you want to be out wining and dining all the time, then pick a different man.

pebbles88

I'm of the view it's the op from the thread that got deleted on the bloke that was 'too clever' to work. It's far too similar.

Sorry!

tabouleh

HappyMJ:
Please can you get rid of that dancing icon on the left - it's very distracting when trying to read your post That aside, I was glad to read your take, as it's not dissimilar to my own take on things.

When you consider that the OP lives in London, then it's clearer that cinema and meals out would be out of her bf's price range. As you say, it's over a tenner to see a film and a meal for 2 will probs be over 40quid.

I don't get why some people are berating her for starting this thread? Money is a massive part of life; obv it will become an issue in rels. I have posted tday re. my friend's overspending. There may be a time to dissolve rels/friendships over such disagreements, but it's not straightforward and we need to discuss at times - isn't that ok to do on here?

Also, what's so mortifying about his living at home? Paying rent into a black hole, or saddling himself with a mortgage he can't afford, then getting repo-d, won't show him to be any more 'mature'. If he starts renting a flat, he will have even less opp to take his girlfriend for 'nice meals' and movies.

Good luck to OP. My advice is don't dismiss him immediately, but discuss your goals. Just becos he isn't like a lemming, receiving min wage with one hand and paying it straight out again with the other, doesn't make him a loser. He's studying his Eng Lit course, so he's not completely apathetic. He may just need time to formulate his own ideas and goals.

justme111

Why I absolutely.agree with you about lemmings etc it is obvious that op is not accepting or respecting his lifestyle and is not going to change hers to match . So it is obvious they are not a match hence a wonder why would not she see it and needed us to tell her and a suspicion of trolling.

BigAunty

Pennyyes wrote: »

He does live at home. Bingo! Ha... I don't know if he is depressed, he seems introverted. I don't know if it's because he's feeling down.

I don't necessarily mean that he has a chronic mental illness like clinic depression or paralysing social anxiety (mental illness isn't just about feeling a bit down) but I am curious why he is avoiding employment.

Saying that he doesn't 'like' it is a big vague - there are many types. As he's so frugal and is frittering away his savings, it doesn't make much sense for him to avoid employment - even a simple 10 or 15 hour job would be enough to fund him at his current spending levels without denting his savings, plus open up his social horizon. Yet he finds even a part time local job totally untenable? Why?

So I wonder how big his social circle is, what his interests are, if he has a close knit family, how often he leaves the house in order to understand if he's hiding from the world for some reason and just says he doesn't want to work rather than 'I am too scared to put myself out there'. So does he lack confidence in general and if he has worked, what were the roles and what negative experiences led him to prefer to vegetate?

Does he not understand that he needs to contribute towards a state pension - if he's a NEET (not in Education, employment or training) and isn't making voluntary NI contributions, he will struggle to qualify for a state pension?

tabouleh wrote: »

When you consider that the OP lives in London, then it's clearer that cinema and meals out would be out of her bf's price range. As you say, it's over a tenner to see a film and a meal for 2 will probs be over 40quid.

Also, what's so mortifying about his living at home? Paying rent into a black hole, or saddling himself with a mortgage he can't afford, then getting repo-d, won't show him to be any more 'mature'. If he starts renting a flat, he will have even less opp to take his girlfriend for 'nice meals' and movies.

Just becos he isn't like a lemming, receiving min wage with one hand and paying it straight out again with the other, doesn't make him a loser. .

Yes, a cheap meal and a night to the cinema would burn £40 but its the most common type of date for a couple (could be split each) so quite why he's shrinking from a £20 outlay once in a blue moon, I don't know. She's not asking for a 3 course meal at the Ivy followed by cocktails at Claridges.

Some people do have personal politics that are anti-capitalist, anti-consumption and pro-eco but presumably have relationships with others that share similar values and incomes. This doesn't, however, appear to be his stance. He appears to shun 99% of standard experiences because he wants to eke out his savings and prioritise reading books.

It would be great if he could be classed as a working-class here for stepping out of the NMW grind but the alternative appears to be alienating a partner who finds their dating very limited in scope and scrounging off his parents.

He seems somehow inflexible, stuck and is shunning the world for no apparent purpose.

Why do you think this man would even consider renting with a partner? There are bills to pay, deposits to shell out, household goods to buy. As he lives in such a tiny, cheap world, something as typical as renting a property would feel to him to be the worst type of extravagance. In London, you are looking at handing over at least about 2k in first month's rent, deposit and removal expenses - this guy is scared of spending a tenner.

burnoutbabe wrote: »

However, he could make a perfect house husband who stays at home and does all the childcare. It depends what lifestyle you want. If you want to be out wining and dining all the time, then pick a different man.

Why would you let this man-child loose on a child? The OP can't progress her relationship with him to the next step - marriage, co-habitation or child care because he can't get change out of a tenner for any of them!

At the moment, she seems handy to him because s-e-x is free while his parents are also handy for free rent. Do we really want his primary motivation to be a house-husband be the potential income that comes from tax credits/child benefit so he can continue to pursue his personal interests at the expense of his partner, friends and wider society?

He pleases himself and no other.

getmore4less

What makes no sense to me is you can get as far in as calling this person a "partner" and yet have this doubt hanging over you unless of course this is a new problem(for the OP).


How long has this relationship been going on?
(don't recall seeing this forgive if it has been mentioned)