Struggling- mental health, widowed, skint, kids-help?

tangochick

I don't know what to do, any ideas?

I am currently employed but off sick with depression, stress, dodgy stomach (probably due to stress). I have told my boss that I won't be back until at least September, he will keep a job open for me. Can I claim benefits if I get statutory sick pay, £87 per week?
I get child tax creds but not working tax creds, my income is around £20k which is work, lodger & widowed parents allowance, approx £120 per week.
If my income goes down for 3 months, can I claim WTC during that time?
I enjoy my job, it is local, they have been so flexible about me having time off, it is a small company, only about 10 of us, so I feel awful for letting him down. I work as many hours as I can when they're at school so that I can take time off when kids are ill, school holidays and various school events, sports days, football matches etc. but for the past year I've felt myself getting worse, I'm worn out, burned out & need a rest.

Now, my brain feels like it shut down, I can't remember things, I can't concentrate, can't sleep, don't eat, house is a tip, car is a tip, I feel like I can't do anything, but manage to get kids to school & feed them. I need to sort myself out.
I have been going to the doctors, I've phoned lots of people, basically, I'm on my own.

What should I do, resign? Ask for statutory sick pay, get sacked or made redundant.
I have been self employed a lot in the past, so I could go back to that.
I cannot afford not to work but I've been getting worse & worse & I know I need to change something as I am not coping.
I am a single mum to a 7 & 9 year old, my husband died nearly 5 years ago, I have no family and, as a result of depression & grieving, I seem to have lost contact with nearly all friends.

I am having cbt, I am on anti-deps & have been for years. I am 40 something & was first put on them as a teen, been on & off them several times but continuous for past 8 years with lots of changes of type & dose.
I have a huge mortgage & pay only the interest, which fortunately is only £500 a month. If I sold the house I do not have enough equity to buy anything, not even a 1 bed flat.
I have a lodger which almost pays the mortgage.
Maybe, if I got rid of lodger, I could claim benefits which would help with council tax (£260 per month) & mortgage interest?

My son is currently having behavioural problems at home & school, which could be linked to the death of his dad, we are on waiting list for CAMHS & seeing an educational psychologist.
I feel awful because he has been getting worse for years, but because I'm so stressed and busy, I ignored it. It has now come to a head so I need to do something.
I don't know how other single parents cope, I certainly am not, I'm skint, tired, grumpy, often ignoring the kids because otherwise they stress me out & I lose my temper. I've phoned social services, who wouldn't help- son gets aggressive & hurts his brother, runs away, throws things & is totally defiant.
I feel like I've made a total mess of things & am not the parent, I want to be.
By working, trying to do the right thing, I have neglected my kids & now I need to be there for them.

Any useful suggestions welcome re sick leave, benefits, parenting an angry , prob ADHD child, My life isn't working, I don't know what to do. I'm really struggling.
Thanks
Mrs T

whitewing

From your post, I think it is clear that you need some kind of external support for a while.

Firstly, are you sure that there are no issues between your son and the lodger, i.e. no possibility that your son is being sexually abused by your lodger? (Obviously there is only a tiny, tiny chance of that happening so don't get too hung up on the idea).

Secondly, maybe you could contact Winston's Wish http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/supporting-you/support-services/

They may be able to support you all in coming to terms with the loss of your partner. When you are feeling better emotionally, then you can start doing more practical things.

pmlindyloo

I absolutely agree with Whitewing. You need some support.

You are trying to deal with too many things at once. You need to take one step at a time.

So, first of all make an appointment with your doctor. Tell him/her that you are in crisis. Ask him for some support from local agencies. You could try MIND yourself.

Do not resign. You are on sick leave and so this can be put to one side for the moment.

As regards benefits I agree that you need to get some help with this too but this can be put to one side for the moment. Your lodger is helping with the mortgage. You have your widow parent's allowance, child tax credits and sick pay. You can visit CAB and ask for some help with your entitlement to other benefits as this is complicated. Don't try to do it on your own. Choose a CAB with a benefits specialist.

CAB could also put you in contact with MIND.

tomtontom

I know this sounds harsh, but you need to give yourself a kick and get organised. That is really difficult when you're low, but you are the only one that can get yourself better, and your children need you to be well.

Your house is a mess, the only answer to that is to tidy it. How about making a list of everything that needs doing, room by room, and ticking it off as you go. If you need a break then take one, but in the knowledge you have accomplished something and you can accomplish more once you have rested.

Don't give up your job, in fact get back to it as soon as you can - you've lost your routine at the moment, work will give you this. Can you do reduced hours for a while?

margaretclare

I agree with whitewing and pmlindyloo, but not with tomtontom. His/her post is incredibly harsh.

'Giving yourself a kick and getting organised' - well, don't you think the OP would, if she could? Try being widowed. I've been there, don't want to go there again, and it's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I recall how I went to my GP with depression following widowhood and was told to 'think of the starving in Somalia'. Subsequently I saw a consultant psychiatrist, who said robustly that 'that GP should come and sit in this chair for a while, then he'd see'. She said that there are some situations in life where depression is a rational response, and widowhood is up there at the top of the list of traumatic and stressful life events.

I don't think giving up your job is a good option. It would be different if they were horrible to you, treated you badly etc, but they are nice people who've been good to you. Just the kind of people you need in your life and you don't want to get rid of.

Apart from that, hugs and much sympathy. I don't know what else to suggest.

aggypanthus

OP, you should be getting sick pay already, not having to ask for it. Do not resign.

I dont have the answers, I have seen a friend incapiitated by stress and depression, despite high dosage meds. She did recover enough to move forward. I am very sorry for your loss. Look up Homestart for support.

Tomtom.. thats harsh.. every stuff becomes impossible with deep depression, as OP says she has reached this point, no ammount of tough talk is effective.

tangochick

Thank you.
I agree with TomTom but it's easier said than done.
The reason I stopped work is that I couldn't do it, my mind kept going blank, I couldn't remember who I was phoning or why, I wasn't doing anything & was getting further behind, a huge backlog etc.

I have been off sick for one month so far on full pay so I will get SSP, but that's not enough to live on, which is why I though I might be better giving up and claiming benefits.
If my income drops, whilst on sick pay, can I get working tac creds?

Lodger is a female carer & I'm fairly certain there's no abuse, I have had a string of lodgers in the past few years, not all female. It isn't good for the kids to have them coming and going, but I don't think abuse has been an issue.
I also had a string of au pairs, one lasted 2 years & was a huge help, others sometimes just a week, but paying tax out of my earnings & then paying them didn't work- plus they couldn't cope with 2 boys during holidays- they're like caged animals if not exercised!
A couple of days at local park or computer games is ok, but more than a week, they need to go out- I didn't have enough money for another car so au pair & kids were stuck in a small village, so I put them in a few day amps, but then I'm paying for au pair & day camps.

I thoroughly recommend Homestart, but they are a charity helping with under 5's.

I've been to doctors a few times recently & every 3-6 months, they increase anti-deps & refer me, but nothing happens, I have lost faith in them. The last 2 times I went, I had total meltdown, tears etc, said I wasn't coping, asked them to refer me to social services, they did but SS phoned & said they couldn't help, don't have budget for cases like mine. I told them I felt like driving into the wall so I could spend a few weeks in hospital resting. Still no help.

Winstons Wish are helpful on the phone but not in my area.
I am a member of WAY widowed and young which is a huge support & I highly recommend them, but they can't help with day to day coping.

I have looked at MIND website before but not phoned them so I will try that.
Thank you all, other suggestions welcome.
I used to be intelligent, or so I thought, now my brain is mush!

Andypandyboy

Our local MH charity has a befriending service which puts the person in touch with someone local who will visit and be a support. You may not be churchy but often local churches are a big source of help, or a kindly early retired neighbour?

jlawrence

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Our local MH charity has a befriending service which puts the person in touch with someone local who will visit and be a support. You may not be churchy but often local churches are a big source of help, or a kindly early retired neighbour?

Hi Andy, I don't know where you live but it seems that the place is geared up to help people. We don't know our neighbours names but we have not lived here very long. Our old house was the same, we lived there for over 20 years and never knew the names of who lived either side of us. Must have something to do with the people or the area

whitewing

Maybe try Gingerbread, the lone parent group. They can help advice about financial issues and you can socialise with other parents and children. I grew apart from my local one but they were a lifesaver when I initially went. (I think different groups have different feels). The big advantage is they know how tough it is with the children. I wouldn't even worry about the long term, just enough to get you through to September. They are likely to have events through the summer too so that will be a bonus.

Lodgers sound fine so I'd keep that going for now.

Can you organise some regular popcorn and DVD nights with the boys? Something they can start looking forward to each week but that is easy for you. Don't expect it to be perfect, just 5 mins where you are feeling bonded will help.

How good is your eldest son at reading? If he can't read very well then that could be having a tremendous effect on his self esteem and his learning and therefore his behaviour. You could use the summer to really improve both boys' reading - the local library may have some reading schemes going on so check that out. Also, read to them as I guess that is something you didn't do much of (I didn't when I was depressed). Don't just get books by age, get some younger books too - most children can read better than they understand what they are reading. You could have some duvet evenings where the TV gets turned off and you all snuggle up and read.

FBaby

Do you really have no friends and family to provide some support. I really feel for you. As you know, tomtom is ultimately right. It is a vicious circle, if you do something that makes you feel better about yourself, it will give you the energy to do a bit more which in turn will give you more energy. The problem is where to start and not regress.

You said you had cbt, was this recently? Have you found that being off work for 1 month has helped a bit?

What you need is someone to help motivating you, taking that first step that is so tough to make and pushing you along until you can push yourself. I do wish you good luck and hope you can turn things around. Don't lose hope, you can get off depression quite quickly once you find the right path.