OH 'forgotten' at work

aileth

Hi all, posting this on behalf of my OH. He has expressed concerns to me that he's being singled out at work. Personally I think he is being sensitive and taking things personally, but he is getting a bit worked up about it.

Basically he works on a team in a call centre. They tend to buy each other cards for birthdays etc. His birthday was recently and he got no card, not even a happy birthday. They don't invite him to outside work events, but when he first started and they did, he declined all of them. He declined to go to the xmas party and gets upset that he's not on the team picture (which is from the xmas party) and I get the feeling he thinks it is some sort of slight against him?

On the other hand, he talks to me alot about, "X said...", "Y said...", "I was hanging out with Z at lunch...", etc, and then goes on to !!!!! madly about other people.

He has been working on a 'side team' which sits next to his main team recently and today his main team all got a favourable shift swap, which he was the only one not to get (he is the only one from the main team in the side team) and when he asked his Manager he was told they had effectively forgotten about him as he was on the side team, despite sitting so close. According to him, this is the first time he hasn't been included in a whole team shift swap, so he feels he has maybe done something and they are upset at him.

All of his team are big extroverts, all go out on the 'razz' etc. He is very much an introvert, goes to work, works hard, comes home, relaxes at home, so couldn't be more different from them. I have tried to get him to sort of 'bond' with them by telling him to invite them to a BBQ at ours as it's easier to bond out of the workplace, but he dismisses me saying there's no one in the team he'd like to get to know better.

To me, I think they've forgotten him purely and simply because of the extrovert/introvert thing. If you're a forgettable person, you'll be forgotten. I also think he's a hypocrite that he expects everyone else wants to get to know him and wants to buy him a card, but doesn't regard them the same way.

So, thoughts? Does anyone think from this scenario his team are being malicious, and his Manager? I should add the Manager is a temp one as they are currently recruiting for the post. He got on very well with his past Manager, so that's why I think he's never been forgotten for a group shift swap.

If anyone thinks he is justified in his thoughts, how would he progress his concerns? Temp Manager doesn't really have any power and my OH has 'banded' him together with the rest of the team singling him out, so he'd have to go to someone else. Personally though I think it's risky as if I'm correct thinking that they've forgotten him because he's so introverted compared to them and a higher up talks to them, he'll be even more singled out.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

I think it's because he turned them down so many times; and doesn't socialise outside of work so he has put himself into this position...

aileth

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

I think it's because he turned them down so many times; and doesn't socialise outside of work so he has put himself into this position...

I agree and have told him this. He really doesn't understand why though, and gets very miserable about it.

Lagoon

It sounds to me like he's not making an effort with anyone else, and so they've stopped making an effort with him.

I wouldn't say he was being 'forgotten' as such, but if someone can't be bothered to socialise with everyone else, and doesn't want to make an effort to get to know them better, then why should they keep trying?

I'd say that refusing social invites is perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with keeping yourself to yourself, BUT you can't then complain when others stop inviting you.

aileth

Would you say the refusing of the invites is linked to them not knowing/forgetting his birthday and the manager effectively forgetting he's on the team and needs to be shift swapped?

I'm basically wanting to show him that I'm not the only one that thinks this way!!!

Lagoon

aileth wrote: »

Would you say the refusing of the invites is linked to them not knowing/forgetting his birthday and the manager effectively forgetting he's on the team and needs to be shift swapped?

I'm basically wanting to show him that I'm not the only one that thinks this way!!!

I'd say that the shift swap thing sounds like nothing more than the new temporary manager hasn't seen him as part of his 'usual' team, and therefore links him with the team he's currently in.

The birthday card thing would upset me a bit if it were me. I do think cards should be something you do for everybody or nobody, but I don't know the usual situation (for example, who usually organises a card). My OH was upset once when he didn't receive a card - it turned out that the person that usually organised them wasn't in work, and nobody else thought about it.

19lottie82

So your OH, makes no effort, declines invites on nights out, says there is no one worth while getting to know and he feels hard done by?

I think you need to tell him to get a grip.

He obviously thinks he is better than his colleagues?

Why would they continue inviting him to social functions when he's made it clear he isn't interested?

Has he bought anyone a card on their birthday, or brought in a cake?

You need to make an effort with your colleagues, even if they are not "your kind" of people.

These people are certainly not malicious. It is your husband who is in the wrong.
I think you know this yourself, from the tone of your post. You need to sit him down and have a serious chat with him about how the world works.

Does he show signs of social incompetence in other areas of his life?

I wouldn't be expecting him to get a promotion any time soon.

aileth

Lagoon wrote: »

I'd say that the shift swap thing sounds like nothing more than the new temporary manager hasn't seen him as part of his 'usual' team, and therefore links him with the team he's currently in.

The birthday card thing would upset me a bit if it were me. I do think cards should be something you do for everybody or nobody, but I don't know the usual situation (for example, who usually organises a card). My OH was upset once when he didn't receive a card - it turned out that the person that usually organised them wasn't in work, and nobody else thought about it.

Thanks, that's what I thought. I will have to delve further about the card issue, although he did say to me, and I quote, "Everybody gets together for birthday cards." I had the same at a previous place of employment where we would all patch in for a little £5 gift or trinket, one time I was the only one not to get one and I was rather upset, but I got it a week later as it turned out the one who was on 'buying duty' (it changed) was in Majorca for a week!

Lagoon

aileth wrote: »

Thanks, that's what I thought. I will have to delve further about the card issue, although he did say to me, and I quote, "Everybody gets together for birthday cards." I had the same at a previous place of employment where we would all patch in for a little £5 gift or trinket, one time I was the only one not to get one and I was rather upset, but I got it a week later as it turned out the one who was on 'buying duty' (it changed) was in Majorca for a week!

Exactly this. Birthday cards unfortunately need someone to take control. If the person that should take control doesn't, then it all gets forgotten quite easily!

19lottie82 made a good point, though - I hope your OH contributes to the cards of others!

aileth

19lottie82 wrote: »

So your OH, makes no effort, declines invites on nights out, says there is no one worth while getting to know and he feels hard done by?

I think you need to tell him to get a grip.

He obviously thinks he is better than his colleagues?

Why would they continue inviting him to social functions when he's made it clear he isn't interested?

Has he bought anyone a card on their birthday, or brought in a cake?

You need to make an effort with your colleagues, even if they are not "your kind" of people.

These people are certainly not malicious. It is your husband who is in the wrong.
I think you know this yourself, from the tone of your post. You need to sit him down and have a serious chat with him about how the world works.

Does he show signs of social incompetence in other areas of his life?

I wouldn't be expecting him to get a promotion any time soon.

Basically, in a nutshell, yes! I don't know about him buying others a card, I got the sense they all put about 20p in and someone gets one. He never has change on him normally so it really wouldn't surprise me if he hadn't.

And as for better than his colleagues, it really wouldn't surprise me. He talks about them like they're cavemen basically, because they like football and talk about how 'fit' girls are... come on they're blokes geez... starting to think I married a woman!:rotfl:

As for social incompetence, he is very very awkward. He lost all his friends from, you guessed it, never arranging to see them, never bothering to see them or organise anything. Anything that involves menial interactions, e.g. ordering from restaurants or booking anything, I have to do as he stumbles over it like a two-legged horse.

I'm going to show him the thread with everyone's response because I get the feeling sometimes that he thinks I am the only one that thinks the way I do because it's differnt to his view!

19lottie82

I don't think there is any real solution here I'm afraid OP. All you can do is keep reminding him that he must make an effort to see any results.

These people obviously aren't ogres as they did invite him out to begin with. Could you accompany him on a work night out? It might help him feel a bit more at ease. That and a bit of "dutch courage", but not too much mind!

If he is really that socially anxious, maybe he could benefit from some kind of counselling? But a call centre is surely an odd career path for someone so nervous?