Some impartial advice please.

LilChel

I'm guessing your life is a bit of a bubble at the moment OP, for both you and your partner. It must be a sort of sense of relief that the funeral has all been taken care on your behalf.

You've spoken to your brother, he maybe is in a state of shock himself, as nobody really anticipates hearing news like yours, as sad as it is. Does your brother know why your mum hasn't really supported you? The "chin up" comment, was probably one that was said to her, when she experienced her losses and that was her coping strategy, as there probably not alot of support around in the 70s whereas now, there is alot more available. Any loss of a baby is heartbreaking, but many years ago it was probably swept under the carpet and not talked about, unlike nowadays. Have you had a chance to talk to your dad yet?

From my own experience, of a stillbirth, I wasn't speaking to my parents at the time as they didn't like my choice of partner. It was when I spoke to my brothers, none that had even experienced what I had to, it was a great sense of relief for me, not that they could even understand for a minute how I was feeling. The first time I spoke to my dad, was when all emotions hit me and then after that my mum would phone me every day. Just living the bubble up until the funeral was just an existence.

It is still very early days for you and of course your partner too, just take each day as it comes. Your family maybe more supportive than you realise.

msb5262

So sorry this has happened, Air Cooled - I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling about the loss of your baby, even without the difficulty of your mother's apparent lack of response. Please take as much time as you can to rest, cry and process what's happened before you try to spell it out to your mother that she has hurt you immeasurably.
Hope you are reasonably ok physically. Love to you and your family - you will be in my thoughts.

MsB

meritaten

I am so sorry Air Cooled, but when you say you should have had plans in place - I thought 'who would'?
if you had been my daughter I would have been There. to hold you and cry with you. I really don't understand why a mother wouldn't have been. I think you need time and to talk to your mother - she may just have been overwhelmed or it brought back bad memories. she may not have been able to cope .

mum2one

i just wanted to say so sorry about the lose of your son, and again the difficulties within your family.

I know you mentioned your mum had 2 stillborns, in the 70s, - for me I'm a 70s child, but my parents lost there first daughter with cancer when she was only 18mths old, she passed away in 1969, back then there was no support given to the family, my mum overheard the doctors saying that their daughter would be dead by the 18mths marks, for them (the dcotors) it was the equivalent of us saying do you want a coffee now adays,
When my sister was ill there was no support network, they did have help from Marie Curie, but when my sister died, they were literally expected to take it on the chin, my mum was given vallimum and told that she could always have another child, which pretty much sums up how things were dealt with then, maybe with what you've gone through has reopened wounds for your mum and as she maybe didn't have any help, doesn't know what to say or how to respond and follows what she had.

I know that is no excuse and maybe when time has elasped it may be worth speaking to her.

For now you have hubby, good support and that will see you through the difficult time, xx

mum2one

My mum was given this by a lady at the hospital.

GODS LENT CHILD

I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine, God said.
For you to love him while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven days
or forty-two or three.
But, will you, 'til I call him back,
Take care of him for me?

he'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As a solace for your greif.

I can not promise he will stay
Since all from Earth returns,
But there are lessons taught below,
I want this child to learn.

I've looked the whole world over
In my search for teacher's true.
And from the things that crowd life's lane
I have chose you.

Now will you give him all your love?
Nor think the labour vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take
This lent child back again?

I fancied that I heard them say
Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joys thy child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.

We will shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may.
And for all the happiness we have known
Forever grateful stay.

But should thy angel call for him,
Much sooner than we planned
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.


Author Unknown

coolcait

mum2one wrote: »

..., they were literally expected to take it on the chin, my mum was given vallimum and told that she could always have another child, which pretty much sums up how things were dealt with then, ...

You make a lot of very good points.

I think we forget sometimes that not everyone reads up on the current thinking on dealing with bereavement, etc.

If a woman's experience of dealing with stillbirth has been that she was told "chin up!". "You can always have another" and so on, then there's every chance that she'll take the same approach when she's talking to another woman who has suffered that kind of loss.

Maybe she's not being deliberately mean - she may just be dealing with it in the way that she thinks is 'the norm'.

There's also the possibility that she is the type of person who deals with loss within herself, rather than seeking comfort from others. So, her behaviour wouldn't seem odd to her.

Above all, the fact that you are 'a mother' doesn't mean that you are automatically blessed with the gift of knowing exactly the right thing to do in any given situation.

Because 'the right thing' varies from person to person.

MarilynMonroe_2

I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

All I can say is if it were my daughter I would be there in a shot after knowing what its like to have a mc. I can't imagine what would stop me from not being there .. I hope you get some answers xx

FBaby

I'm so sorry for your loss x

What reasons has your mum given you for not coming if any? I too would be deeply hurt if such an event didn't prompt her wanting to come immediately to support me, especially as you have made it clear that it IS what you want.

I hope she soon comes around and provides you the support you need from your mum.

desert_rose

So sad for your loss and totally understand how distraught it must be for you, losing a baby and just wanting your mum to be there for you.
As others have said, the thinking years ago was literally, 'chin up', 'keep calm and carry on'.....people coped differently then and buried their emotions very deeply indeed.

Try not to condemn your mum. Try and understand that she comes from a time, a place and a tradition that took strength from silence and stoicism.

valk_scot

People are different in the way they react. When I told my mum that I'd had the first of my two miscarriages at 12 weeks she wasn't that concerned about the loss of a grandchild, she was more into rehashing things over and over again. Because after all, it had to have been something I had done that caused it to happen, quite probably digging in the garden or going on my bike and hadn't she told me so? When I had the second miscarriage (we'd had a healthy daughter in between, our third child) I was still very early on at eight weeks and in fact I hadn't even told my mum I was pregnant, so I didn't tell her about the miscarriage either.

Reading that back to myself I still find it a bit shocking but really, that was my mum all over. Support was not something she did, her own emotions were not particularly extreme ones and she struggled to understand people getting so upset, as she phrased it after some life crisis or another with friends or family. You wouldn't believe the sort of things she'd just blanked because there was no reason to get so upset about them, as a result none of our family has ever expected much by way of support from her. If I'd asked her to come round and help me through something she'd be just as likely to tell me that wasn't a suitable day, she had a hairdressers appointment. And she only lived a ten minute walk away, btw.

Some folk are just like that, there's no point in expecting otherwise. If she's never been an involved parent who supported you through life's ups and downs, she's not going to undergo a complete personality change now. It's a very sad thing for you her daughter of course, you deserve more at this time in your life. I'm very glad your OH is being so supportive, I hope of course you're supporting him back? I know he didn't have to go through the whole horrible experience on his own but he's lost a child too. If you stick together though you'll get through this. Take advantage of any support offered by the hospital, your other family and friends, each other. you will get through this.

Just a comment about hormones btw...you know that after a normal delivery you get this huge hormone drop after a few days where you feel terrible, weepy, completely out of control? The so called baby blues? You get exactly the same after a miscarriage or stillbirth, your body goes through the hormone drop. And your body of course will be having to recover from the effects of an actual birth. These are all physical things but they won't be helping the way you feel mentally at all. So be gentle on yourself physically and give yourself the same care as you would have under normal circumstances.

I don't think your OH should speak to your mum at this point btw, he'll be worked up about it and too much might be said iyswim? How about your brother though, if you feel someone should? He'll know your mum as well as anyone after all.

(((hugs))) btw. It's never easy.