Some impartial advice please.

Air_Cooled_75

Ok, it's been a roller coaster of a couple of weeks. The short version is that my waters broke 18 weeks into my pregnancy, fast forward to Wednesday (21 weeks) and I go into labour and in the early hours give birth to our son who lives for 4 hours. I drove myself to hospital in labour and do it alone due to having a soon to be 3 year old and family living 90 mins plus away so no options for emergency child cre at midnight (I know we should've been better prepared).

I have spoken to my mum twice since it happened. Both times I've asked her to come over and she's said no. I'm 40 and she had 2 stillbirths in the 1970's (after me). I have a brother who is 32. I'm so confused, I'm considering giving her until the end of the week to contact me (I've been the one doing all the calling etc this week) and then calling it a day, I don't need this extra stress at the moment. I've always considered that we've had a good relationship but I'm obviously now picking it to pieces...we're the ones who make all the effort, parents have been over here 3 times since DS was born, twice because I made Christmas dinner etc. etc.

I just don't know what to do. DS adores his grandparents (although they do favour brother's little girl of the same age as she isn't as energetic.

Am I being completely hormonal and irrational and looking to just focus things on someone else or is my mum being unfair? I haven't even spoken to my dad yet.

Any (non judgmental) comments and advice very much welcome. I need some clarity please (for the record DH is being fantastic and wants to speak to my mum but I just think she'll go on the defensive)

Thanks AC

building_with_lego

Oh darling I'm so sorry.

I don't know what to say about your mum and the rest of your family; I'd be there like a shot if one of mine had been through your last few weeks. Have you been put in touch with SANDS? Have you wanted to or been able to speak to your midwives/ consultants?

And please don't think you "should have been better prepared", you were only halfway through your pregnancy. Hugs :grouphug:

building_with_lego

Actually, thinking about it, could your mum have suppressed her feelings about her lost babies, and thus be finding it difficult to support you now? Just a thought.

Marker_2

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible situation to have gone through (and alone).

My advice to you is forget your mum for a moment. You and your husband need time to grieve. This was your loss and caring about other people like your mum is just not worth your time right now. Have you thought of what (if anything) you plan to do for your son to lay his memory to rest?

As for your mum and brother, at some point you will need to express your sheer disappointment at them for not being there for you. It is unforgivable. YOU need to tell them how it has made you feel, and depending on their responses will determine in your heart whether you want to carry on a relationship with them.

It may be that your loss has brought back feelings for your mum, but even so, as her daughter she should have been there for you and she really needs to understand that. Only by telling her will she know.

But please concentrate on yourself and your husband and child first. They are your family and what is important right now.

ilovelondontown

I don't have much to say but didn't want to read and run.

Firstly I'm sorry to hear about your stillbirth that alone must but a lot to deal with, I can't imagine how that must be affecting you.

While I don't condone your mother's lack of support for you I have to say I'm sure the situation has brought up a lot of personal memories from her own experience and maybe she's keeping her distance to avoid burdening you with her emotions?

marisco_2

Firstly I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. I cannot even comprehend how painful that must be for yourself and your family. I am glad to hear that you have a loving and supportive husband to help you through this time.

I don't think you have hormonal or irrational feelings about your mums response to your requests for her to visit. It is at times in life like this when people turn to and lean on those closest to them heaviest for support. To be left feeling that this is not forthcoming must be confusing and very hard to deal with.

Perhaps part of your mums reaction to your loss is that it may have brought back difficult memories for her due to the stillbirths she suffered many years ago. She might be struggling to know how to be of support to you and be extremely emotional about it all at the moment. She has lost a grandchild and grief effects people in all different ways. I am not excusing how she is treating you, just trying to put forward another perspective to explain where she may be at.

I hope you manage to talk things through with her soon and get to the bottom of what is going on. I wish you all the best.

Bangton

Firstly, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I just cannot imagine how you must be feeling and of course one would expect you to want your mum/family.

To be honest I can't understand her reaction. If it were my mum (and I don't say this to hurt you further) she would be here in a heartbeat, no matter what.

How was she when you told her what had happened? Has she offered any support? I can't tell you to call it a day with your mum as I don't know enough about your relationship but I can definitely say for sure that her behaviour is really strange when something so traumatic has happened to you. Honestly, I'd ask her outright, in fact I'd probably go mad with her but again it all depends on your relationship..

...People do cease contact with parents (my partner has, although that was borne out of years of what can only be called abuse). It's a very hard thing to do..some parents are just carp but it all depends what's been and gone and only you can know that.

Air_Cooled_75

My brother has been great, he's relieved that he still has a sister, it's my mum that I'm having an issue with, sorry, i can see it isn't all that clear, not much is clear at the moment.

Thanks to you both, we haven't been in touch with SANDS but the hospital and my community midwife have been fantastic.

We went to the funeral director on Friday, we are having a funeral (of sorts) probably the week after next. They were a great help, it will be free (for the most part) which was a surprise and that they will do all the running round is a major stress reliever.

I know it's probably difficult for my mum but it's hard for me. "chin up" she said on Friday! FIL came over yesterday, him and MIL (sadly passed away in 2009) also suffered a stillborn loss with their first.

Treevo

The favouring alone would have made me cut contact. She's being selfish. You needed her and she couldn't even be bothered to visit. It doesn't sound like you'll be missing much, other than a hell of a lot of stress.

marisco_2

Crikey, the 'chin up' remark to you is so woefully inappropriate. Even if your mum is really struggling herself at the moment, she must be aware of how dismissive and uncaring saying something so flippant would be, when someone has just lost a child. I think having contact with her at this time, in the frame of mind she is in, could do you and your family more harm than good.

Leave the ball in her court for a bit and see if she steps up to the mark and contacts you. Focus all your time and attention on your family unit, doing whatever it takes to ease the strain of pulling through the next few extremely difficult weeks.

When you feel a little stronger it might be worth writing to your mum and putting across to her all that you are thinking and feeling. It can be very therapeutic to release bottled up disappointment and upset in this way. A letter enables you to calmly and articulately express all you need to, in a way that means you don't end up in the vulnerable position of hearing dismissive or tactless comments again.

Bangton

I think however difficult she is still your mum and she has suffered the experience herself so should be at least there for support. 'Chin up' is not a great response really is it? The fact is, you shouldn't at a time like this have to question your mum's actions. It should be obvious from her tone and actions that she is there for you whenever you should need.

To be honest though, one poster did reference having the time to grieve with your partner and to focus on your mum later and I think that's quite good advice. Will your mum be at the funeral?

Lots of love to you Air Cooled x