Helping Hubby

wannabee_in_credit

I think that I already know the answers here, but I always appreciate the honest and impartial advice I get when I ask a question.
I've been in a DMP for 3 years, with approximately 2 years to go. I had debts from my student days, then my husband had a nervous breakdown while I was on maternity leave with our second child and our finances got out of control. Anyway. That's over and done with and after a really bright lbm we are now living within our means, or so I thought.
The financial situation may sound strange to some, but it has always worked for us, in that we each contribute a set amount to the running of the house etc, and whatever is left over is ours to do with as we please (me, stuff for kids, days out ocassional nights out and my DMP - him football, Sky TV and beer). As I currently earn almost twice what he does, I contribute twice as much to the household budget.
He's told me today that he's running out of money and regularly overspending every month, and asked if he could reduce contribution to the household pot. I've said no - he has approx £400 a month left after his share, which I think is more than enough.
How can I help move him along toward his lbm before he starts getting into debt? I've told him we can sit down and budget together but he will most likely have to choose between Sky and football, or cut back on his beer. He keeps insisting he doesn't have an extravagant lifestyle but he is leaking money in the way of spending a fiver here and a tenner there.
Any advice would be gratefully received.

gettingbackontrack

So, as I see it, your husband who is the father of two young children spends £400 a month (£100 a week or nearly £5,000 a year) on his solo activities. Meanwhile, you - his wife and the mother of those children - are on a DMP paying back debt some of the which accrued during his lengthy illness.

He's now decided nearly £5,000 a year isn't enough for his pasttimes and wants to reduce the amount he pays for the wellbeing of his family so he can spend more on football and beer etc.

Hmm. I think your husband needs to realise he's not single and not child free. He has responsibilities and it's time he stopped acting like he is. But what I think doesn't matter.

Perhaps you could ascertain exactly what is he expecting the family to cut back on to fund his single-man fun? Food for the children? Perhaps shoes for the children? Stop paying the electricity bills? Stop paying the mortgage?

I think he needs to realise he has an extremely extravagant lifestyle and he should be halving the amount he spends instead of wanting it increased. He's a father and if he wants what's best for his children he should be doing all he can to make sure their mother is not in debt. Then - together - you can build up some security for all your futures.

Sorry if I sounds harsh but it seems absurd that he's even contemplating paying less to family budget when he really should be paying more....

wannabee_in_credit

Not harsh at all. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being unreasonable by refusing to allow him to cut back. I'm pleased someone else is thinking what I'm thinking as well.

exhab

We all want to do more fun things at times but it's all dependent on money. Up until last year, I hadn't been on a proper holiday for over a decade, because there were always other priorities.

Let's not rip this guy to shreds, but it does seem unreasonable from the outside. Is it possible to do more things together, thus reducing his expenditure?


Some couples budgeting/finances seems odd to me though. I've always been the type to have one pot/joint account and not worry about salary differences but both be equally as responsible with spending since every transaction is a joint one.

ellesbellesxxx

I can't help feeling like you already do enough! You pay the bulk of the household bills as well as paying for the children's stuff from your money too - in which case 100 a week is a heck of a lot of money to go on one person!
You are def right to insist on sitting down and going through finances to see wher emoney is going - good luck!x

gettingbackontrack

wannabee_in_credit wrote: »

Not harsh at all. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being unreasonable by refusing to allow him to cut back. I'm pleased someone else is thinking what I'm thinking as well.

I'm glad i didn't upset you.

Can you point out to him how unreasonable he's being? And ask him where he expects his extra pocket money to come from?

Obviously i don't know you're circumstances but it seems to me that £400 is a huge sum for anyone to spend on their own past-times/hobbies, let alone in a family where there is a DMP.

Wouldn't he like to be able to take his children on holiday? Wouldn't he like to be able to take you somewhere special for your anniversary? He needs to redirect his attention to his family and away from himself. I have to say otherwise he might as well be a lodger, contributing a lump sum each month for food and board then going off and doing his own thing...

iammumtoone

Firstly I understand you way you control your money, I prefer to do things similar myself when I been in relationships.
Why are you the only one paying the DMP?, yes it might be in your name but it occurred due to the fact you got into difficulties as a family therefore is the responsibly of the family to pay off (ie yours and his money maybe you paying extra as you earn more)
The things for the children should also been seen as shared cost as they are his children as well
Nights out. if you are going out with your husband yes pay with your money but I hope he pays with his as well sometimes.
If you are happy as things are carry on but point the above points out to him and make it clear he is lucky to have as much as he does to spend or would he rather you re-orangise the finances taking the above into account. Be fair and also consider the fact that if he pays for sky and the whole family watch it, maybe some of this cost should come from your pot. Please also point this out in a nice way I don't want to be responsible for causing any arguments
Good luck and I hope you get things resolved

wannabee_in_credit

It's quite a recent thing, him becoming a big spender. He has had a couple of lengthy spells off work with depression and anxiety related stuff. He used to be the careful one of the two of us while I was happily spending away on stuff I considered to be 'essential'. After his illnesses I was just happy seeing him getting out and about a little more. The football is something that he does with our son - they go to every home game together. Our daughter is not even remotely interested (as I am not) so we tend to do girlie stuff together when they are at the match - cinema, baking etc.
I'm not defending him, because I think that he's wrong this time, but he honestly doesn't see his lifestyle as extravagant because he works 60+ hours a week for little more than minimum wage. But I was looking at his bank statements and noticing that he took over £200 in cash out over about 10 days, and when I asked what he'd spent it on, it's stuff like a few cans of beer, food on the go at work, ice cream for when he gets home in the evening. So from his point of view his only 'going out' is with our son to football. The rest just seems to get frittered.
As for our financial arrangements, they've always been done separately. I was in debt when we got together so kept my stuff separate, and he contributed more than me. Then as time has gone on I've become the higher earner. When we've been away or bought stuff for the kids etc, we just tend to take turns in paying. It's always been that way, and suits my control freak tendencies to know that the important stuff is under my control.

iammumtoone

wannabee_in_credit wrote: »

. He has had a couple of lengthy spells off work with depression and anxiety related stuff.

That puts a different spin on things I suffer from the above and have got myself into debt due to high/overspending. I don't know how to explain it buying something when you are down makes you feel better but that feeling doesn't last long and you are soon back at it again.
Tread sensitively and try to understand, I wish I had someone kindly pointing out the error of my ways instead I got shouted at and put down which believe me only made the situation worse.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

Just read the above posts. While I completely agree with you, perhaps you could offer him some help/advice to manage his money better.

maybe encourage him to keep a spending diary so that he can see exactly where his cash is going? And if he sees it in black and white then maybe he will understand how unreasonably/frivolous he is being with the cash.

It might also be worthwhile you keeping one too so that he will be able to see that your cash isn't going on you only, and his is? Maybe then he will get a better understanding of what should be spent on him and what should get spent on the family? (Just an idea).

HTH,

D9

wannabee_in_credit

I keep a spending diary and have done religiously for about 18 months. Nothing is a shock on my side financially at all. I wonder if he'd let me help him out with that. I've tried to suggest that he gets a certain amount of £ out of the bank per week and when it's gone it's gone.
Have to confess to being a little shocked - I hadn't realised his spending had gotten out of control... I knew we'd had to use the inheritance he got from his mum to stay afloat last time he was off work (6 months) but I didn't know it was now all gone.
Ah well, onwards and upwards. And thanks for kind words and advice all, it is appreciated.