dilema-do I contact ex husbands now ex so my kids can see their half sister???

zoesmummy_2006

long story short my ex walked out on me and our 2 kids, quickly got into a relationship with another girl, end result of that is they had a child who is now 1 and they split up a few months back.

I dont know the ins and outs of the situation etc, and I have no desire to know, I only have what my ex tries to tell me despite me telling him I have no interest in his life anymore. However its affecting my kids not seeing their baby sister, my daughter especially, right now shes sobbing her heart out in her bedroom because shes not seen her sister since her christening a couple of weeks ago and wants to.

Their dad is driving me mad as the kids are constantly telling me "daddy says X is naughty and being mean as she wont let him see baby....." there are better ways of explaining to them rather than painting her as the bad one, he's not perfect himself, hes just had it too easy with me as an ex.

Anyways what I'm thinking now is contacting her myself if I can and asking her if she would please allow my kids to see their sister and explain to her just how upset and hard my daughter is finding it. To be honest I dont see her listening to me and even if she did agree I have no idea how we'd work it as I have no desire to spend time with her.

Does anyone have any ideas/advice???? Or should I just stay out of it and leave it to my ex to sort out???

JodyBPM

Did you have any kind of relationship with the lastest ex? And did the lastest ex spend time with your children (presumably so if they knew their half-sister).

I think I would be inclined to ring/drop a note to the new ex, and just say that your children still want to see her and the baby sometimes, and would this be something she would be happy to do. It might be worth waiting until the dust has settled though.

zoesmummy_2006

thanks for your reply, I had no relationship with this girl, my ex would park round the corner or up the rd, basically as far away from my house as he could if he had her in the car. I did ask to meet her as she was going to be a part of my childrens lives, even if it was just to say hello etc, but that request was refused by him also-nothing to do with me according to him.

I only ever spoke to her once on the phone, xmas day when I called my ex to tell him our son had woken up with chicken pox as their daughter was only a few months old at that point. She answered his phone as he was outside.

The only way I have to contact her is via fb or to drop a note into her mum who lives about 5 mins from me. I really didnt want to get involved, but I cant bear to see my daughter so upset and if I can help make that better for her then I will put aside whatever feeling I have and do whatever I have to.

Person_one

I'd get in touch with her, it sounds a bit like you've both been stitched up by the same idiot bloke.

If you take a chance, you never know she might well be just as nice as you are and your daughters could have a great relationship with their sibling all the way to adulthood.

Is that likely to happen if you leave it up to their dad?

jgh

I always approach these issues from the starting point that parents do not have rights, they have responsibilites, both you and your children's father have the responsibility to ensure your children are able to access their right to a family life. Your ex-partner is refusing to action his responsibilities to his children by denying them their right of access to their family - their sister.

I would advise you to see a Citizens Advice Bureau, they will be able to point you in the right direction for further action.

littlerat

Truthfully, I'd say IF you and the other mother can put your own feelings aside for the sake of your children, it seems best - they're pretty closely related and it's be a shame for them to miss out on siblings. That said, I say IF as whilst you're trying to be reasonable (which must be hard!) she may not be - and having the pair of you fighting would obviously not be great.

Not knowing how/when their relationship started, ie if it was an affair it's hard to say if much, if any, blame lays at her door - but you're both now in the same situation with a useless ex. The main thing I'd say if if she's worried, make it clear you won't be trying to get involved with the arrangements for your ex seeing his daughter, you're only interested in your kids seeing their sister, as else I could imagine her worrying you're there to bombard her.

Hope you sort something out, your poor little girl

zoesmummy_2006

thanks again for the replies-the back details is im pretty certain they had an affair when they worked together just after we got married, I found out I was expecting our daughter just after the wedding, and he'd be giving her lifts home and leave me waiting in the dark, constant texts to each other late at night, he started hiding his phone and changed paper to online billing-dint stop me getting into it and seeing the texts and calls to her at all hours. Then there was the overnight works do, and the night i wasnt allowed to go out with him when she was going out. He denies anything happened but he wouldnt know how to tell the truth if his life depended on it.

This girls not perfect herself, she's refusing to let him see their daughter, apparently even told him they'd cancelled her christening when they hadnt just to stop him going. She has also moved back in with an ex she was seeing previous to my ex husband.

The whole situation is just a mess, and at the end of the day its the kids getting hurt, especially my daughter. She's struggled with her dad leaving and having another family and has questioned why he lived with her sister and not with her, and i managed to explain that without calling him bad or mean, and now she is struggling with not seeing her baby sister. Its just not fair, I hate seeing her upset like this, she's 6 years old.

meritaten

I would go see her mum. I would tell her that despite the ex your children want to see thier sibling. tell the mum you have no hard feelings towards her daughter, fib a bit if necessary and say you admire her for her stance towards ex - and ask if she could perhaps facilitate meetings between your children and her grandchild. make it personal to her hun. make it plain you simply want the kids to know each other.

Yorkie1

Whilst not entirely disagreeing with the other posters, I do wonder a little about forcing this issue.

Your eldest daughter is only 6; the half-sister (not a full sister) is only a year old and the split happened a few months ago. Her distress seems to me, as a complete outsider and on the facts you've given above, to be slightly disproportionate to these facts / rather intense. What is behind it? Could your ex be winding her up by his inappropriate comments, so to speak?

From the way you describe your ex's ex, is she really someone who you'd want your children to be increasingly involved with? She appears to be manipulative, and willing to be part of breaking a marriage. The more you get involved with her now, the harder it will be to disentangle should you wish at a later date.

I just wonder whether it is actually in your childrens' interests long-term for the contact to be re-started. If your OH was given a verbal slap for the way he talks about her to them, would that improve matters? Children of that age are remarkably adaptable, if allowed to be.

meritaten

these children are half siblings - they have a right to know their sister. or at the very least to know OF her. My DIL has a very !!!!less father and she has diligently found out about half siblings and tried to maintain a relationship with them. although now grown up her relationship with some of those 'half-siblings' has become very close - closer in fact than with some of her real siblings.
So I applaud the OP in trying to do the best by her kids by fostering a relationship with their sibling. I understand her motives and do NOT understand those who think it would be best to let the relationship die. It doesnt! if you know you have a half brother or sister out there - it can eat at you and you WONT rest until you have found them.

zoesmummy_2006

The thing is, my daughter has gone from spending 3 nights a week with her sister from the moment she was born last year to seeing her maybe 2/3 times in the last couple months since the split, thats why she's taking it hard. As far as shes concerned right now, in her mind, everyone leaves her. Ive had to deal with tears from her asking why daddy left her and begging me not to leave her too. I try my hardest to make her feel secure and confident and loved, but her dad just seems to bounce from woman to woman without thinking of the consequences. He has another girl in his life who has a child (not his) and he had her and her son staying the weekend with him fathers day-so my kids had to share their dad with another child.

I dont particularly want anything to do with his ex myself, but my daughters feeling come first. I will put my feelings aside and always put my childrens needs first. If me spending a couple hours in the same place as his ex so that my daughter can see her sister then I'm prepared to do that.

My son is the opposite of his sister, he adjusted to everything since his dad left us and the recent ex, but he's younger and I dont think he remembers much about when his dad was with us as he was just 1 when he left.