Child Maintenance Payments - advice wanted

joecool77

Hi, for the last 2 years since myself and my son's mum seperated (we weren't married) I have been making regular maintenance payments which my ex has pretty much left to me to decide how much I pay. Initially I was paying slightly more than the online calculators suggested I should pay however I have since reduced that to just below as the online calculators are a bit basic in that they only ask how many nights the child spends with the non-resident parent. In my case this is generally once a week at the weekend (occasionally twice) however I have him for dinner 3 evenings during the week as well and also buy him clothes etc as and when I can. I also do all the driving to pick him up and drop him off which is a lot of miles over a week. I am in no way trying to escape my responsibilities as a father and have done nothing but be as involved and responsible a parent as possible but I feel with the costs I already have providing for my son with no help with tax credits etc as these all go to his mum, that helping to support her as well is a little unfair and am considering reducing the amount I pay further as frankly I can't manage financially at the moment. I can guess the response I will get from his mother but I don't feel I am being unfair. I would just like some opinions either professionally or from other peoples personal experiences to make the best decision I can in a difficult situation.

BigAunty

There is a child support forum on MSE - this is a general benefits forum.

If there is a dispute between you and the parent with care of the child, then you may find your ex calls in the CSA so if you are paying broadly similar this is not going to be an issue on your part.

However, as you've already noted, they only take into account only overnight stays - making meals for your son, your petrol and clothing costs for him are never going to be factored in, nor is your other living expenses. It's a simple formula, as you've noted. Therefore the extra that you provide and your other financial commitments are always going to be irrelevant if your ex takes you to the CSA.

There's nothing to stop you from negotiating with your ex for her to hand over part of her child benefit/child tax credits for expenses but she doesn't have to.

So if she consents to the reduction in payments, there's no issue but if the CSA are involved, it will be that basic calculation that you must abide to.

In the meantime, download the MSE budget planner and work through the site to see where you can make savings and increase your income.

Mumto3cheekymonkeys

I think this is fair otherwise you will have to tell her you cant afford to buy your son clothes and afford the cost of picking him up.

BigAunty

Fair, maybe, but the OP needs to understand that if he pays less than the CSA formula then if there is a dispute he will need to increase the sum.

As he's already fully aware, making dinner for his son, buying him clothes and picking him up are not expenses that are considered, nor is the fact that the ex receives child benefit and tax credits.

So he makes changes at his own risk - the ex will either see this as fair or will challenge it, in which case he has no choice but to increase his child maintenance payments and/or make a decision not to feed, clothe and fetch his child to the same degree as before if he can't afford the additional voluntary expenses.

FBaby

you are risking her deciding to go via the csa and you having to pay more and have no say about it. The relationship with the mum is likely to deteriorate, and you might become another victim of the csa delaying things, making wrong assessments and you ending up with arrears you didn't expect.

I really don't think it is worth it.

joecool77

Thanks for the replies. I realised I may have posted in the wrong section too late! I appreciate in some ways I am lucky with the way the finances have been worked out. I don't think my ex would go to the csa partly because of there poor reputation and partly because it wouldn't benefit our son for me to be worse off than I already am. All I want is to be able to provide for my son directly and not just handing money over to her month after month with no confidence it is being well spent. I guess I was wanting confirmation that I am not being unreasonable in feeling that I shouldn't have to give her as much in maintenance payments as the online calculators suggest. I guess my best option is to talk to her, bite my tongue and let her do what she wants to do.

BigAunty

ah, so we get to the nub of it - you think she's squandering your money and you don't want her to receive it, you'd rather spend it on your son directly and therefore reduce pound for pound you give her the sum you spend on him...

Is this not going to be a bit hard considering the cash you give her covers things like hot water, heating, food when you aren't cooking a handful of the meals for him and so on?

So it's not about hardship, it's because you want to control her spending.

kingfisherblue

joecool77 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I realised I may have posted in the wrong section too late! I appreciate in some ways I am lucky with the way the finances have been worked out. I don't think my ex would go to the csa partly because of there poor reputation and partly because it wouldn't benefit our son for me to be worse off than I already am. All I want is to be able to provide for my son directly and not just handing money over to her month after month with no confidence it is being well spent. I guess I was wanting confirmation that I am not being unreasonable in feeling that I shouldn't have to give her as much in maintenance payments as the online calculators suggest. I guess my best option is to talk to her, bite my tongue and let her do what she wants to do.

You have no say in how the money is spent.

My ex accused me of wanting the CSA money for myself and not for the kids. Well in my house, the CSA money goes directly into the pot and helps to pay towards whatever needs paying, including utilities, clothing, petrol, days out, etc. The children use these things, so do I. How would you divide the electricity used? I can guarantee that usage for or by my children is far greater than usage for me alone.

When my ex had to pay arrears, I did recceive more for a period of time. I used it to pay for plastering the boys' bedroom, putting in new flooring, and buying new cabin beds (their old beds were in dire need of replacement). My daughter had a TV/DVD player for her room.

Just for the record, I don't smoke, I am teetotal, I have no debt, don't wear designer clothes or have a designer handbag, hate buying shoes....... my luxury is my kindle, bought when my aunt left me a couple of hundred pounds, and I get all my books for it free via the newsletter from https://www.ereaderiq.co.uk - so you can see that I'm not exactly high maintenance or a big spender on fripperies for myself. The money that comes into our household pays for the bills, with any that is left being saved towards a holiday, Christmas, etc.

I can see now how much my ex controlled me when we were married. I'm damned if he is going to control me or my household spending now that we are not.

joecool77

BigAunty wrote: »

ah, so we get to the nub of it - you think she's squandering your money and you don't want her to receive it, you'd rather spend it on your son directly and therefore reduce pound for pound you give her the sum you spend on him...

Is this not going to be a bit hard considering the cash you give her covers things like hot water, heating, food when you aren't cooking a handful of the meals for him and so on?

So it's not about hardship, it's because you want to control her spending.

Far from it! I want what's best for my son and paying her maintenance when I provide most of his evening meals as well as feeding and entertaining him all weekend and buying him clothes etc (which she doesn't as all his clothes are someone else's hand-me-downs) is a double whammy which I simply can't afford. Continuing as I am to the point where I have to give up my flat and move back to my mums is hardly in the best interests of my son who needs a place he can call his home when he is with me. It maybe my choice to see him as much as I do and to cloth and feed him but I don't think it is unreasonable to then expect to pay less maintenance on the back of that which is what I was trying to ascertain. I also have rent, and bills to pay in order to keep a roof over mine and my son's heads however I am trying to do so on my own which as anyone in my situation will testify is not easy.

Sixer

joecool77 wrote: »

Far from it! I want what's best for my son and paying her maintenance when I provide most of his evening meals as well as feeding and entertaining him all weekend and buying him clothes etc (which she doesn't as all his clothes are someone else's hand-me-downs) is a double whammy which I simply can't afford. Continuing as I am to the point where I have to give up my flat and move back to my mums is hardly in the best interests of my son who needs a place he can call his home when he is with me. It maybe my choice to see him as much as I do and to cloth and feed him but I don't think it is unreasonable to then expect to pay less maintenance on the back of that which is what I was trying to ascertain. I also have rent, and bills to pay in order to keep a roof over mine and my son's heads however I am trying to do so on my own which as anyone in my situation will testify is not easy.

If you think your ex is neglecting your son to that serious a degree you have choices:

* contest custody and take him on yourself
* initiate social services intervention

Those are your choices. Unilaterally changing the maintenance you pay isn't one of them. Both choices you do have will entail serious consequences.

That is the situation you're in. I'm not offering an opinion on it; just laying it out for you plainly.

duchy

Why Oh Why do so many men regard Child Support as a method of control ?

It's a sum calculated to support a child's living costs......and I am so very tired of the implied threat "If I have to pay the full amount I'll stop treating my child to extras" It's a bit like saying "If I have to pay the electric bill I can't afford treats for my child" Well yes-that's right-it's a decision many families are making at the moment. Just because you don't live with your child doesn't negate your responsibility for the normal level of support so you have spare cash to look good in their eyes supplying treats at the expense of basics !

Why not just pay what you are supposed to be paying according to the law and stop trying to exert control over a family you no longer have daily involvement with -which presumably to one degree or another is by your own choice ? My son's relationship with his father was damaged by these kind of silly games as he got old enough to work out for himself (and by his father's comments) what was going on. No-one wins in that situation.