social anxiety - what to do?

suki1001

distraction wrote: »

My world is build around being self sufficient. Relying only on myself, being cautious in who to trust etc. It might seem odd, but I assure you its quite normal to me.

My family don't know much about me (stuff you just read in this thread), but we get along just fine.

Friendship - I have a few friends who I trust, the rest and most work colleagues fall into the just acquaintances category.

Sexual - Would be none (which I know must seem very strange )

Its kinda frustrating.

There is nothing here that you have written, that is strange. I lot of single people are self sufficient and rely on themselves.

Most people have a couple of good friends that they would confide in (and this site!), the rest come and go. It's how I think most people work. They say they've got 365 friends on facebook, they have no more real friends than you do.

I'm not surprised you don't confide in your family given the past history. I think most people confide with their friends (you can only choose your friends remember;)).

Sex wise - don't imagine the rest of the population is at it like rabbits!

You can change this around, but in no way shape or form, imagine you are abnormal. If you think everyone sat at a party enjoys being there, I can guarantee you, there will be a larger number of people than you think, who are uncomfortable at parties. Even some seemingly outgoing people can actually not like parties, they just handle it differently to you (not nesseccarily the right way).

You are perfectly sane, you just need to feel a little bit more comfotable with yourself and we could all do with some of that from time to time.

passatrider

distraction wrote: »

My world is build around being self sufficient. Relying only on myself, being cautious in who to trust etc. It might seem odd, but I assure you its quite normal to me.

My family don't know much about me (stuff you just read in this thread), but we get along just fine.

Friendship - I have a few friends who I trust, the rest and most work colleagues fall into the just acquaintances category.

Sexual - Would be none (which I know must seem very strange )

Its kinda frustrating.

Blimey..I could have wrote this myself!

distraction

Is it really not so strange? I'm pretty sure it is. I can't accept that its normality. My best mate claims he doesn't like socialising, but I don't believe him (the evidence doesn't suggest this)

I've always found it hard to look people in the eyes if I don't know them. Usually this isn't a problem when i'm at work, as I know everyone.

I was on a course this week, and whenever I go on courses I always struggle with this. The best thing about these courses is meant to be meeting new people, perhaps keeping in contact with a few. Chatting, going out to lunch etc.

I got cornered by the guy next to me near the coffee machine. It wasn't a great chat - he must have thought I was a bit of a freak.

What you have to understand is, I actually try really hard. I do make an effort, yet it doesn't really seem to work.

After I started my current job in 2009 - I actually started dating a girl from work I met when I joined (she suggested we hang out, as obviously I wasn't going to ask!). We went on several dates; walked places, laid in the sun, went to movies.

I suspect she was attracted to my awkwardness; we had some fun - but as I didn't give any contact, she must have found that really weird. In the end she said "sorry I just don't feel it". (This was a particularly devastating mess)

I actually can't watch Michael Cera films anymore :rotfl: (joke )

Anyway, yeah

pinknfluffy

Hi distraction

Just wanted to say you are not unusual....I've always been a 'loner' would rather have my head in a book than interact with other people, after 2 violent marriages I find it hard to talk to men or look them in the eye, I've been offered and accepted a lot of counselling and psychiatric help which along with medication is helping.

The thought of meeting anyone and becoming intimate with them fills me with horror and I am adamant that I will live the rest of my life alone, I don't like clubs or pubs and suffer panic attacks when in a social setting, in traffic, or anywhere really.

I'm studying with the OU which I find helps me as I force myself to go to tutorials and the OU are very understanding about any sort of illness.

Sorry didn't mean to go on about my problems but you are not alone, far from it in fact.

Thanks Sailor Sam for the link to the SAUK discussion board.

vintagebrighton

distraction wrote: »

Is it really not so strange? I'm pretty sure it is. I can't accept that its normality. My best mate claims he doesn't like socialising, but I don't believe him (the evidence doesn't suggest this)

I've always found it hard to look people in the eyes if I don't know them. Usually this isn't a problem when i'm at work, as I know everyone.

I was on a course this week, and whenever I go on courses I always struggle with this. The best thing about these courses is meant to be meeting new people, perhaps keeping in contact with a few. Chatting, going out to lunch etc.

I got cornered by the guy next to me near the coffee machine. It wasn't a great chat - he must have thought I was a bit of a freak.

What you have to understand is, I actually try really hard. I do make an effort, yet it doesn't really seem to work.

After I started my current job in 2009 - I actually started dating a girl from work I met when I joined (she suggested we hang out, as obviously I wasn't going to ask!). We went on several dates; walked places, laid in the sun, went to movies.

I suspect she was attracted to my awkwardness; we had some fun - but as I didn't give any contact, she must have found that really weird. In the end she said "sorry I just don't feel it". (This was a particularly devastating mess)

I actually can't watch Michael Cera films anymore :rotfl: (joke )

Anyway, yeah

Don't get so hung up on 'normality'.... there isn't a lot of it about IMHO As you've seen on here lots of people know how you feel cos they feel the same in some way. And yes, I'm going to confirm that's me too. The point is not to reach for some sort of normal that isn't normal for you, it's how to deal with how you are and get what you want out of your life in a way you can deal with.

How do you see yourself? As a social butterfly? Perhaps that's not a reasonable expectation but you can take steps to manage situations. Maybe you shouldn't look for 'the' relationship right now but try working on strategies for chatting to people you don't know. (I don't mean be the weirdo on the bus ) Maybe say a word or two extra at the water cooler to someone you wouldn't normally chat to. Are you into anything you could talk about? What about popular TV shows?

None of it's easy and you may need more help via your GP in the form of medication or counselling. The point is you want to do what you can to change something about your life ~ that's a positive.

Still, at least you must realise you aren't the only one now! x

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Try and imagine some of the most confident people I know - professional musicians. They're out on stage, bright lights, everybody looking at them, applause, they're putting themselves up there where there is no hiding place, and they are great, come up with the goods everytime, grin when the crowd cheers at their name.


Now look at them backstage beforehand. Pale faced, can't eat, can't speak, some have problems even walking into a venue because the anxiety is so strong. You'll see them by the Stage door, taking deep breaths and muttering 'I can do this. I can do this.' Not just because of anxieties about performance - plenty are anxious about having to deal with people before, during rehearsals, soundcheck, downtime. The gig itself is no problem. But the thought of the social side, and, worst of all, smalltalk, is practically causing them pain.


Now look at them after the performance. Those super, duper confident onstage characters are gone. They've been replaced by people who find it really difficult to deal with the people coming up to speak to them, feel awkward when someone says how great they were, blush whenever someone speaks to them and as soon as they can, they leg it back to safety away from the crowd. They are more relaxed than when they first stood outside, they've had the rush of playing. But they're still not comfortable.


Obviously this isn't every musician - but for all the loud, boorish or superconfident ones, and for all those who bolster themselves up with drugs or drink, there are an equal number who are softly spoken and shy. Yes, shy. They will clutch their guitar to them whilst talking, putting it between them and the person they are talking to, like a barrier to protect them, a security blanket keeping them away from the world. They will often have very little to say for themselves, unless they are asked something actually purely musically related.

The music speaks of their pain, their yearning, their loneliness. Not just the words - although have you ever thought about how many songs are about being left/cheated on/isolated? - but the choice of tonality, using minor keys, the voicing of their parts - it can be poignant and beautiful, and certainly isn't all about being superconfident and surrounded by friends and lovers.


Just because they seem to have it all onstage, that they can put out the deepest, most emotive lyrics or melodies in front of everyone, that doesn't mean that they don't feel that same horror at the thought of making small talk or being cornered by someone when they were OK in the corner, just watching the activity go on around them.


After all, to say how they feel, they have to hide behind lights, a stage, technicians, roadies, costumes, images - a whole charade. That's not being socially confident.


********

Anyhow, you never answered whether there is something you like or are interested in. You've had plenty of advice about the medical side of it.

Try and think of something you would actually like to do. Paint, draw, listen to live music, get fit, watch movies, whatever.

Meetup.com has groups for people with social anxieties, amongst other interests, and you can join one of those and perhaps meet them for an activity - bowling, pool, a coffee. If you know that everybody else is feeling the same, then you can relax and not worry that you are being 'strange'. They're used to people being nervous or looking lost at their events. And if you don't like something, you just don't do it next time.

Outside meetup, there could be informal art groups, you can be completely anonymous at a gig. Gyms have social functions, but you don't have to join them, just do a bit of exercise to get you feeling a bit better about yourself. Or swimming. Good exercise, relaxing and no conversation necessary.

Local pubs - and consumption of alcohol is not compulsory, plenty of people go to pubs and never drink anything stronger than a Diet Coke - could have various groups - ukelele groups, singing groups, movie nights, for example.

There are conventions for Sci-fi, expositions, cosplay, perhaps if you travel some distance, you wouldn't feel worried that people would judge you, as you'd never have to see them again.

Taking a foreign language course in the evenings might make it easier to talk, as you are speaking in another language that nobody is particularly confident in, so you're slightly detached from worrying what they think of you as you're trying to say 'Oui, ca va bien merci. Et toi?' in a vaguely convincing manner, instead of expecting yourself to come up with some incredibly fascinating anecdote.



There are lots of things you could do to challenge yourself gradually, some that might lead to new friendships or a relationship, some that you might just enjoy doing just for the sake of it. Rather than looking at your ultimate goal and the scary bits that stand in your way, look at something smaller - what would be a start. What you would like to say you've done, even if just for one super scary evening, you could say 'yes, I went and did xxxxx', as knowing you did it once could mean the next time, it's just that little bit easier.

carefullycautious

I have had to over come this to some extent. I still dont enjoy office parties etc. I love a small group or one to one relationships.

I could quite happily close the door and never interact again, my brother is the same.

Ive always said that if me and my brother were stranded on a desert island we would put signs up saying keep out :rotfl:we wouldnt want to be rescued.
(how i have written this sounds incestuous. i mean on the desert island alone not together)

Just to add Ive been happily married for many years with a family which probably seems a contradiction.

You have posted very eloquently about your problems so you do have a voice and I bet you have a lot you could talk about on line. You just need to put that into practice in front of real people.
As for relationships you have crossed a bridge by just going out with someone now you need to build on becoming touchy feely in a non threatening way.

There are sex therapists out there who you could be referred to via GP

We should all get together I bet we would all get on as we have so much empathy with each other :rotfl:

vintagebrighton

carefullycautious wrote: »

We should all get together I bet we would all get on as we have so much empathy with each other :rotfl:

That is sooooo true Me and my OH are both the same ~ each with our very odd ways of dealing with the world and interactions with people. Because of that we give each other a lot of space and have patience with each other that no one else has given us. Bliss..... BTW we met online, no parties or clubs for us!

reheat

distraction wrote: »

What you have to understand is, I actually try really hard. I do make an effort, yet it doesn't really seem to work.

I believe very much in trying really hard, but there's trying really hard and then there's ... trying really hard!

Long time ago, not so long after I joined the forces, I'd been "trying really hard" to get on with people, be liked by people ... and it just didn't work at all; I didn't have a clue why. And one day I had a real falling out with one of the other lads, and in the aftermath I was pretty fuming inside and I found myself thinking "well f* the lot of you, you can bl*y take me as I am or not at all ... ", and my mindshift changed from that day on, and I stuck by what I'd decided that day. I thought no more about it till 6 months or so later, when it suddenly occurred to me I was getting on a lot better with my service colleagues, and I was developing friendships. I realised that they were beginning to respect me for starting to be a person in my own right, and standing by an embryonic belief in myself. I realised that before, without realising it, I'd just tried to be whatever I thought people wanted me to be, which people can never really abide.

And I started to realise the problem with the advice well meaning people had sometimes given me about how to get on with people, "Just be yourself". Excellent advice, but it assumes you do actually know who you are, what you want to be. In my case I was very unclear on this. But an excellent piece of other advice I had also been given, was to look at traits/characteristics/skills I admired in others, and if it seemed right for me, then work at developing those in myself. The point is, it is vastly easier to see and assess these things in other people than in yourself. But it's not at all about trying to copy and pretend to be someone else, it's all about taking steps to develop such things into your own character. Over time you can see things in yourself that you actually do respect.

End of sermon - sorry . But this stuff really did help me, and might help someone else.

Bangton

I think alot of people feel anxious in social situations. I certainly do.

I hate work courses unless my usual colleagues are with me. Last year I started a new job and sat on the end with no friends for weeks..feeling like everyone was staring at me and wondering why I didn't contribute to the conversation. I'm terrible if people know each other and I don't as I just can't bring myself to speak up.

Thing is, with my friends, partner and now work colleagues I am very sociable as I am comfortable with them but put me with someone I don't know and I talk rubbish and stutter!

If my partner hadn't chatted me up (by text I hasten to say) I couldn't have done it...fear of rejection and all that (even though I was smitten the odd thing was I'd rather miss out than look a fool. Thank god he bit the bullet..I wouldn't have him now).

I don't know why I'm posting really..it's not helpful to share my story with no advice yet I guess I wanted you to know that deep inside tons of people are like you...we feel foolish, we can't strike up conversation well, we can't chat up the opposite sex. Maybe you feel worse than I do in social situations but your certainly not abnormal. I hope in time when your chatting to the guy at the water cooler you can understand he probably feels just as awkward.......