New year blues?

newcook

I know this post may sound pathetic and whingy but I really need to air how I feel.

Me and my brother used to be really close - we even rented a house together at one point. We had the same sense of humour and same veiws on family values (which were passed on from our mom) Our family has been through a lot over the years and we have always been able to get through problems together.

When we were growing up, we were always taught that the most important thing on birthdays and christmas is to send a card and write a nice message so that person knows you are thinking of them and that you spent time looking for a card that you know would be appreciated. When my brother moved away he still sent really nice cards or if he was back home or I had visited him we would give presents. We had always given presents at christmas even if it was just a token gesture.

However, not long after he moved he met and fell in love with someone and after a while began to add to the family (she already has children from her previous relationship). We still used to exchange cards and gifts at xmas and was dead chuffed and so proud when I received my first 'auntie' card. A couple of years ago my brother lost his job and so obviously I didn't expect any gifts that xmas or birthday (me and OH still gave gifts) but I still received thoughtful cards like 'to my sister and her parter' and 'auntie' the xmas after that was quite similar. Xmas just gone was completely different - our card was one from a pack which inside just said 'to x and x merry xmas love and listed their names. I was completely gobsmacked but thought they must have had quite a tight xmas even though bro has been working for a year now until I visited my mom and saw the cards they had sent her and my stepdad. My mom also showed me the presents they had received from my brothers family - I guess she didn't realize me and OH hadn't received anything.
The present side didn't bother me as I know and appreciate they have a large family and I would rather they spent the money on the kids but the card really shocked me - I was too embarrassed to put it up alongside the other family cards.
They never visit (but I understand that as well as it is a long way) and they never call - it is always me who calls but always seem to get cut short with 'its a bit hectic here at the moment - I'll call you back later/tomorrow etc' but they never do.
They didn't even send OH a card on his 30th (come to think of it they ahve never sent OH a card) which was just after new year and they have never send OH's son a birthday card or token gift - I know if I did the same to my brothers family there would be hell to pay.

I would like to think it is money related but it feels as if it runs deeper than that

As I said at the start, I am probably just feeling sorry for myself and feeling emotional (time of month) and I cant believe I am still feeling upset about it this far after xmas. I guess I just wanted to let it off my chest but have got no-one to tell (dont want to tell OH as he will say to tell bro how I feel but I dont want to upset bro and cant tell my mom incase she tells bro. I have no friends where I live as its a new area and my best mate has moved quite far away due to work.)

Sorry to sound like a whinger

Newcook
xx

bluebell13

Oh newcook what a shame!

I know exactly how this can hurt. My brother and I were also extremely close as children up until our twenties. After that he moved away, met and subsequently married. Things began to change. About 5 years ago he said that he wanted us to stop buying gifts for each other just the children. I was saddened by this as we had always made a fuss of each other and bought really personal (but not expensive gifts). However I went along with it.

Nowadays I get a Christmas and birthday card from a multi-pack. Have been really upset about it over the years but have now come to terms with the fact that he has moved on with his life and his own family are his number one priority. However, this has left a void that I cannot fill.

Maybe your brothers actions are down to attitudes within his own family and not aimed at hurting you. Are you able to speak to him and explain how you feel?

You are certainly not whinging. This sort of thing is heart-breaking.

newcook

I would like to speak to my brother about it but I know it will just cause more of a rift especially as he tells his OH everything and she can get very funny about things like that and not speak to people for months.

I think its also the fact they never bother with OH or his child that gets to me - I think my mom would be quite dissapointed with my brother as well - she never forgets any of the kids birthdays (whether they are blood grandkids or not) and she has always drilled it into me not to forget.

I think I may have to talk it over with my mom and see if I have done something to offend them - she is more diplomatic than me!

mandyc

I often wonder if the brother's partner is jealous of the close relationship between the brother and sister.

I have two DDs and a DS. The younger DD and DS have always been incredibly close (which has caused problems with elder DD but that's another story!!!).

He met a girl at Uni and after completing his degree they lived together in our home town but his gf obviously didn't like DD2. We managed to get them around the same dining table one but the atmosphere was terrible!!! I think gf was jealous of dd's relationship with ds and tried to keep them apart.

DS and gf eventually split up and he is now living with another partner and what a difference. I think the dd has grown up and realised that the kind of relationship they had could not continue for ever but also his new partner seems to understand their relationship and not think it odd if they go for a meal together occassionally.

Perhaps it is becaus DS's new partner has two brothers herself and understand the brother/sister relationshiip. I don't know but all seems fine at the moment and long may it last!!!!

Justie

priorities do change in families and it can be easy to read into actions motives that aren't there.

I see my brother sporadically (usually when he needs a bed when he's working away) and may not speak to him for months. I rarely get a card or present at my birthday (he gets a case of wine) and if I do get anything it's usually 4 or 5 months late and only cos his partner has nagged him. But as we spend Christmas all together I get cards and pressies then (or money cos he's not had time to shop). It's not that he doesn't want to spend time with me or doesn't care it's just that he's busy and buying birthday cards etc isn't a priority. He doesn't buy his mates cards for their birthdays yet they don't hold it against him...

If you want your relationship with your brother to stay the same then I'm afraid you'll be disappointed but if you want to keep a close relationship with him then it may mean that you put in more of the effort, that's just how some relationships are.