Father undermining adult son - what to do?

saver6

Just looking for a little bit of advice really as I don't know what else to suggest. (Might be a little long, sorry!)

My fiance works with his dad doing the same job together and have done for quite a few different employees over the past 5 or 6 years. This has never been a problem before - in fact, they were such a good team, they would refer each other for new jobs and they're well known in this area as a good working team, and now work at a place which pays pretty darn highly, so they're both happy to stay there.

However recently relationships seem to have broken down between the father and all 3 of his kids, whereby he barely ever contacts his kids or makes the time or effort to see the other two and only sees my fiance because he works with him. A typical example was where he said before Christmas that as he is living with his own MIL at the moment (until they've done their house up 100 miles away when they intend to move away) that he would come around to all of us to see us at Christmas instead rather than us going to him, which we all said fine too. Yet all my fiance and his siblings got on Xmas day was a text saying "we'll have to meet up in the New Year". Not even a phone call.

My fiance's mother has for years told us all how irresponsible and selfish their father always was, but it's only recently that they've realised how true that actually is. Since he re-married a few years ago, the new wife's kids have been getting all the attention to the detriment of his own, in that the wife is happy to use their joint money to lavish on her children and grandchildren, kitting out entire houses with furniture etc, yet has not allowed my future FIL to put barely anything into his only daughter's wedding (only paying a portion of the evening buffet). FIL yesterday told my fiance "I hope she doesn't intend on making me give a speech [at the wedding] cos I won't do it". My SIL has been extremely stressed about the whole wedding, because she's so worried that her dad just might drink too much and start saying nasty things to people (whole lotta history stuff that never really got resolved). He's said himself that he promises that nothing will happen, but his promises are really quite empty.

Another selfish things happened yesterday when my fiance put in for 2 long weekend holiday dates for June (race dates that he goes to every year so can't be changed), FIL saw the dates and exclaimed how his own holiday plans have been scuppered as a result, even though he hasn't actually booked anything anyway and could feasibly go at any other time. At work, they're both on a shared bonus thing, and my fiance was happy to give his dad his share even when he was away (sick/holiday etc), but his dad refuses to do the same for him, even though he knows that we are tacking debt and saving for a wedding. Things are now so bad at work, his dad has started gossiping to a colleague about my fiance, like little old women, and is completely undermining my fiance. If it was anyone else, my OH would tell them where to go, but it's his dad and he's devestated that this man treats him in such a destructive way, when my OH has done nothing to deserve such treatment. It's now completely getting him down having to work with him, but he doesn't want to leave work because he likes it there despite it all, and doesn't see why he should leave. My OH is now at the point where he doesn't want to invite him to our wedding, and wants his dad to move away already so he doesn't ever have to see him again.

My advice was to go in today and just ignore his dad and laugh whenever he sees him gossiping with his mate like a couple of 12 years olds, because that's just how they're behaving. He's managed to do this, but I'm so afraid that my OH will get wound up to a point where he hits his dad and I don't know what to suggest next. It's not the working environment where you speak to the boss about such things, as he'll just say it's a personal thing and to sort it out between them, but my OH can't, because it's not his job to tell his father how to act like one. I mean, the guy's not a bad person and everyone used to get on perfectly well, but in the last year or so he's just become the most selfish man and has not exactly lived up to his father role by treating his own son with such contempt.

So sorry for the long post, but is there anything I could suggest that may repair the relationship at all? Or is it best to accept that the father is burning his bridges and to act accordingly? How can I be more supportive to my fiance about working with his father, and how he should cope with it all?

Thanks guys.

cobbingstones

I'm sending you hugs at this difficult time (( ))

Please remember that communication is the key here. If his father has decided for whatever reasons to act the way he is, then I guess you have to respect it.

I'm sure someone else will have more time and good advice to give you.

With best wishes

MM

saver6

Thanks for the support.

After all that, my OH finally got fed up today and confronted his dad, which had a typically defensive start but he kept pushing to make sure his dad understood how he feels and how damaging it is. He seems to have got through and has even convinced him to say just a short speech at SIL's wedding, so cross fingers all good!

Mics_chick

saver6 wrote:

Thanks for the support.

After all that, my OH finally got fed up today and confronted his dad, which had a typically defensive start but he kept pushing to make sure his dad understood how he feels and how damaging it is. He seems to have got through and has even convinced him to say just a short speech at SIL's wedding, so cross fingers all good!

Well done that man! :T I hope you gave him a hug for being so strong and persistent in such a tricky situation

If his dad continues to act in the same way towards him then I would be civil and treat him like any other workmate but try not to get too emotionally involved.

As far as the shared bonus goes - what would happen to it when he's off sick/on holiday if he didn't give to his dad - if the answer is he keeps it then he should stop giving it to his dad.
If his dad complains about it just say why should your oh do something his dad is not willing to do or if they had an agreement to do this then say that his dad backed out of it first!!

Can your oh use a mobile phone where he works and do you have one? If so then say that if he ever feels the need that he wants a rant about his dad then just to ring you and get it out of his system and calm down again. If phone contact isn't an option could he go for a walk round if his dad winds hin up - to go for a coffee or to go to the loo??

It's good your oh has talked to his dad about the speech at his sister's wedding but really he shouldn't get too involved and put himself in the firing line when he doesn't have to. It's up to his sister to sort this out with her dad not your oh. I know this might seem a harsh way to deal with his sister but if his dad is behaving in a cold/unfeeling/unpredictable way then why should he put himself in the firing line more than he has too? He already has to deal with his dad 100 times or even a 1000 times more than your sister does cos of the amount of time they spend together at work.

I know it's hard for your oh to see his dad and his new dp lavishing money on his stepkids but at the end of the day it's his dad's money and really your oh has no right to tell his dad how to spend it. Again another hard truth to accept but he should just shrug it off and not let it get to him because he's the only one that's gonna to get upset by feeling this way. Yes his sister might feel the same but it's up to her with how she deals with her feelings about it. His father isn't doing this deliberately to upset them - he's just become more distant since he became involved with his new dp cos his life has changed and he probably doesn't even realise what he's doing or what affect it's having on his own kids...

HTH Cheers MC