Access rights by absent parent

Becles

Just something that is bothering me.

When I split with my ex-husband 3 years ago, we never got a formal access arrangement drawn up. He works shifts, so it's not possible for him to always have them at the same time each week. Over the three year period, he has only taken them out 1-2 times a month for 2-3 hours at a time. Consequently they have drifted apart. He doesn't really know the children that well now, and they prefer not to see him.

I met my current partner last year and we got engaged at Christmas. My ex wasn't happy about that, but I just ignored him. He knows my current partner works every Saturday, then comes over here and we spend Sunday together. The children and my new partner get on very well. They play board games and PS2 games together etc.

My ex phoned last night demanding that he has the children from 11am on Sunday morning and will return them at 7pm. He's never had them for that long before and I am sure he is doing it out of spite.

I spoke to my new partner last night and he is upset as he will miss them on Sunday. I've spoken to the children this morning and neither wants to go out with my ex for that length of time. They said they would be happy going for lunch or something, but want to come back mid afternoon to spend time with my new partner.

I just feel like piggy in the middle here! I don't want to prevent my ex from seeing the children, nor do I want them to grow up thinking I kept them from their real Dad. However, I also don't want make them go if they really don't want to go. They are aged 6 and 8.

What do you think is the best solution?

Just for reference, my ex lives 3 miles away from my house, and knows he can have the children at other times such as after school.

Trow

If they were not so young I would have said let them go because they can always ask their dad to take them back when they want to go home again, and to allow it without giving your ex hassle about it will not have the desired effect that he was hoping for - if he is not that interested he won't ask often.

You could always call his bluff and say 'actually, thats ideal because (new partners name) has asked me to go to (name of posh country hotel) for Sunday lunch - just the two of us - and see if his 'offer' to have the kids is withdrawn.

Difficult situation though, especially as the kids are not keen - but he is their dad and surely him showing an interest could be a good thing in the longer term. Maybe he genuinely feels he is losing out on their childhood and wants to be there for them - and after all it is only one Sunday out of 52...

Sarahsaver

You have care, the kids are resident with you. If it unsettles them too much to see him then don't do it. The onus is on your ex to make the effort to make proper arrangements, and go via the courts if necessary. my ex keeps muttering about seeing the kids but hes so concerned that he b*ggered off to another country twice and hasnt seen them in 2 years, and traumatised us when he was here.

Addy

Maybe he's now realising he's in danger of losing his children's affections, and feeling threatened by your new partner - put yourself in his place - if your children were resident with their dad and he had a new partner, maybe you'd worry that they would love her more than they do you.

Children can pick up that there may be, or have been conflict between separated parents, and without intending to will "agree" with each parent - hence them not wanting to appear willing to see your ex. They sometimes subconsciously feel that to do so would be to betray you.

It's important that contact with non-resident parents is maintained and is consistent, it's very beneficial for the children in the short and long-term - especially for boys. Research has shown that children from separated parents are less likely to end up drug abusers and criminals if contact is maintained with the non-resident parent, usually the father. (source: https://www.fnf.org.uk).

If you make sure that the proposal for longer contact is put to them in a positive way, and that they don't hear you make any negative comments about it, or their dad, you may find they're more willing to see their dad for longer periods.

I'm not saying he's perfect at all, sounds like he could have done a lot more to see them more often, but I think the children deserve to maintain and possibly even improve their relationship with their dad. This shouldn't affect how they perceive your new partner. My stepchildren love their mum very much, but still have great affection for me too.

Maybe you could suggest that he has them overnight during the week, and takes them to school when it fits in with his shifts - contact isn't only about easy or special occasions, it should be about everyday life and routine too. You might even get a night out then without having to worry about a babysitter

elona

I think the idea of "taking the wind out of his sails" by agreeing is a good one - especially if he thinks he is doing you a favour ( bet he cancels at last minute).

If he does start keeping a diary (small cheap notebook will do) of times he asks for access, notice given, time he turns up, if he does,result of time with kids etc.

If he does start trouble legally then at least you will heve a written record of what has been going on.
Good luck :):)

Jay-Jay_4

I'm inclined to agree with letting them see their Dad. Dealing with an ex-husband regarding access is a bit like dealing with a toddler, be firm, don't get stressed and ignore tantrums.

If I were you I would say "you can collect them at 12pm but please return them by 5pm as they have school in the morning and need to do homework, reading, have a bath and get an early night".

Remember that YOU are in the driving seat and that although it's a good idea to let the children see their father it has to fit in with YOUR routine, not his.

Hold your head up high, remain sweet and calm....don't rise to his bait and let him feel like he's splitting up your 'happy family'.... he sounds a bit jealous to me.

rchddap1

One important thing to add is that you need to be very careful about putting the kids in the middle so to speak. His way of getting at you and your new partner (if that is what he is doing) maybe to use the children. I wouldn't rise to the bait.

Is he expecting you to say no and then will have a big arguement over it? If he isn't serious about seeing them things will slowly go back to the status quo.

Becles

Thank you very much for the messages

I think the other problem is that they are scared of him, as has a short fuse and will smack them if they step out of line, whereas I use smacking as a last resort so it just happens occasionally. They won't stand up to him and say they don't want to do things as they are scared of his actions.

When he does take them out, he either takes them back to his place where they watch TV or play with toys they have taken with them. Their Dad never gets involved with their games. They have taken board games before but he wouldn't play them. I don't blame them for being bored, and think it's his time they crave rather than seeing him, if you know what I mean.

They have a swimming lesson on a Sat morning, my eldest plays football and the youngest is into gymnastics and trampolining. I've offered my ex the chance to take them to any of the activities so he can take more of an interest in what they get up to, but he refuses to do that.

My ex also had a tantrum because he couldn't have them this Saturday afternoon when he knew fine well I had already bought tickets to a football match. He's done the same thing on other occasions when I've said we have made plans in advance. If he'd said he wanted them then though, I wouldn't have made the plans.

It's just a mess and he seems to be doing all he can to be as awkward as possible. I never say anything negative in front of the kids though, so any negativity they have is purely their own thoughts. I try to encourage them to be nice, like picking Christmas/birthday presents but they refuse.

I think the best compromise would be to let him have them Sunday, but say it's for a shorter time. That way they get to spend time with both him and my new partner. Will ring him later and put that to him and see what happens.

Trow

Good luck Becles, hope it works out well for all concerned - especially the kids

loobyloo1980

Hiya, just read through all the posts on this thread. I experience similar problems with my ex. In fact, have had a problem this weekend.

My ex and I never actually married as he walked out 5 months before our wedding. My daughter is 4.5 years old and he left when she was 18months old. He moved 100's of miles away to London (we live on the North Yorks Coast) which is about 6 hours car journey without stops. During the last 3 years he has been to visit about 3 times a year and not at regular intervals. I have a partner whom I am marrying in 14 weeks time, who has been with me since 3 months following my split. Because of the age of my daughter when her father walked out, she never remembers him as being a dad or doing any of the things that my partner now does. She can remember my new partner as far back as being in nappies and sees him as her dad, calls him daddy and we also have another child.

My ex is a very childish and selfish man who thinks that he can pick up my daughter as and when he feels like it, albeit not very often. However, whenever he asks at short notice and I say that we have plans made already he throws a tantrum and behaves like a spoilt child. My daughter also has activities on a weekend, like ballet and swimming and he thinks that when he wants to come she should miss those things. I have always put my foot down and refused to budge on certain things.

The thing that annoys me with my ex is he has phone numbers to contact her on, yet never phones, he has open access, yet comes very little and for a few hours per time. He expects now that I will let her go and stay with him in London in his new house with his new girlfriend who I have never met and who my daughter doesn't like. My problem is they just do not have a father daughter relationship at the moment because he does not put enough effort in to it. So I have stood my ground and said not until she is older.

I feel as though he uses her to get to me, to remind me that my perfect family is not really perfect as he is still around. I don't feel as though he can really be that bothered over things as he has never been to a solicitor to get parental responsibility or try and secure any legal rights of access or anything. He's too greedy to pay. As far as I am concerned, I am her legal guardian and her mother and therefore when it comes down to decisions for a child too young to make her own, they are my decisions to make. Had he been more of a father I may have felt differently, but he didn't even ask how she got on at her first day at school until 6 weeks into the term, didn't come at Christmas and wouln;t even give me a number to phone him on so she could speak to him.

Some men don't deserve the title of father. On the other hand, some men are hard done by.

I think in your position, if you have doubts over whether the kids want to go then speak to the kids about what they would be happy with. I don't think it's good to force them to see him if they don't want to. I also think that if you have concerns over whether he would smack them, then you need to discuss parenting and discipline strategies with him before you let him take them out of your care to ensure their safety and wellbeing. I would also give him set times to pick them up and bring them back so that you also get to spend time with the kids and your partner. I always say pick up at 10-10.30 and bring back around 3.30-4pm so that we still have time before tea to spend together as a family.

Good luck, but don't rise to the bait. Some ex's get a kick out of reminding you they haven't gone away just because you have someone new.

Addy

He only takes has them once or twice a month for a few hours, and smacks them if they misbehave? That's a very short fuse! Could you not explain to him how this frightens the children, and is a reason why they don't want to see him?

It sounds like you're a reasonable person. Marigold's right, contact should be encouraged certainly, but it should be convenient for all of you.

My experience of family courts is that they will set contact to be for certain times, on certain days. That way, everybody knows where they stand. Could the Sunday contact not be every other weekend? From speaking with other parents without access who've been through the courts, the "usual" contact given is every other weekend (all weekend) plus one night during the week, although it varies somewhat according to circumstances.

Good luck with your new relationship. Your children are lucky to have an understanding and reasonable mother, you're doing a great job.