Have I lost my best friend?

dontknowwhat2doanymore

Hi folks, I've not been on for a while, but you all gave me some really good advice and support last time I had to post again. (sorry if it comes across a bit garbled I'm just trying to get everything out).

Over summer last year, after all the injunctions etc were sorted with my ex, I got drunk with my male best friend (the one I was constantly accused of sleeping with), I don't know whether it was the drink, all the accusations or the need of companionship after everything that had gone on. We ended up sleeping together, the next day we discussed it and decided neither of us wanted a relationship, but we would be 'cuddle buddies'.

This worked fine for both of us and in Autumn he met a girl and started seeing her, so we stopped everything and went back to being friends. The relationship lasted all of 6 weeks, so we picked up where we left off. My mate works away during the week and on a Friday would drive 7 hours and come round and we would talk and have a take away.

Since his relationship broke up he would text me good night and that he loved me, if I didn't text it back he would point it out the next morning. Anyway his last day at work before christmas he went out with his work mates and got drunk, and his messages were that he really loved me blah, blah, blah so i decided to wind him up. I told him if he loved me he would change his facebook status, to which he replied that I was too good for him, and that I would end up getting hurt and he couldn't handle that. We left it with the usual love you's and it wasn't mentioned when we next saw each other.

Since then we have been out together quite a lot- he got injured on leave and has been off for 6 weeks. We've talked about the relationship thing a few times, and I understand his hesitance. However Saturday night we went out, and I went outside to have a cig (I know dirty, but I am trying to stop) and when I came back in he was gone. I went to phone him and there was a text off him saying I was taking the pi$$ out of him. I phoned and he told me he had seen me with some lads outside, I told him to come back so we could talk and we ended up having our first ever argument in the rain with him saying he loves me, and me getting annoyed because of his reasons for not being together. He stormed home and I did the same.

Sunday morning I text him to arrange to meet up to discuss the night before, and he came round and said he didn't know why he acted the way he did and we should just go back to being friends. This has upset me a bit but now he's gone back to work I text before my usual Sunday text of have a safe drive, and got no reply. Since then he has updated his facebook status so I sent a text saying I take it you have fallen out with me, and good night (no love you on it) and he has ignored that as well.

God writing this all down I feel stupid, but I've got no one else to talk to about it (my best girl mate is related to him), anyway thank you if anyone has the patience to read this essay lol xxx

sjc3

Okay if I were you I would leave it for him to make the next move. See what his tone is and if it gives you any clues to where he sees your friendship

He seems a bit confused and to have alot of insecurities. There are also alot of mixed messages being given out. First he says that you are to good for him and would get hurt being in a relationship with him, then he is telling you he loves you. In no time its back to being friends, then him seemingly getting jealous that you were speaking to some blokes whilst having a cig?

Think a bit of straight talking is needed. Do you know what you want from him in the future though or has all this confused you as much as me? Mean that in the nicest way

dontknowwhat2doanymore

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I agree that he comes across as insecure, part of this stems from the job he does, he is in the forces so goes away quite a bit and this is often he reason for his relationships breaking up.

When he was here on Sunday his body language and the way he was talking didn't come across that he wants it to end IYSWIM. Even though we got closer physically it didn't change our relationship and I have told him that he pushes people away when they start getting close. He has previously admitted to me he is scared of getting hurt.

To be honest, this is really confusing me, and would rather he was 100% honest with me. xxx

hitchins

Hmmm well firstly the "no strings" thing doesn't apppear to be working, so you both have to decide where you want to go with this, have a relationship, or stick to been friends, nothing else.

jillymit

Don't feel stupid. Sometimes just venting it all helps you decide what to do and where you would like it to go.
I'm not sure how MSE the subject is so be prepared for a bit of flack or maybe for this thread to be moved.

There maybe lots of reasons this 'mate' hasn't been in touch but it sounds like he needs to sort it all out in his head to decide what he wants.
More importantly, what do you want?

Personally I'd text him (if you're sure he's able to receive) or get a message to him somehow to say you understand he needs to sort his head out and that he can give you a call if and when.
Then, leave it. Don't make any contact. There's no point.

If it is you (as more that friends) he'll be back. If not, well I think it's going to be difficult for both of you to just carry on as just friends with history but not impossible.

Try and move on, if he calls in the future and you happen to be free then it's up to you but don't wait around too long.
I don't know you and I don't know him but I know it's easy to get mucked around if you let it happen. (no offense intended)

I hope this hasn't upset you more. I hope it all ends well.

sjc3

This makes a bit more sense now. I was confused when he said that being with him may mean that you would get hurt. Could it be that he keeps relationships at arms length because he is in the forces. I dont know where he has served, has he done a tour in afghanistan for instance. Sometimes when people are thrown into highly dangerous situations like that its all they can do to focus on themselves, without needing the worry of how a partner may be coping. Could he also be suffering some post traumatic stress due to his job. He seems to be all over the place with his emotions.

Sorry if any of this is out of order, but I dont know him at all.

dontknowwhat2doanymore

Thanks jillymit, I think that's the best suggestion. He normally has a signal on his phone the day he goes back, so I will text him saying that.

I think the confusion has come from suddenly seeing him in a different way, and that fact that he has stuck by me through so much, where as other people would have run. xxx

dontknowwhat2doanymore

Thanks sjc3, he is due to go to Afgan this year, that will be his first 'major' posting. Recently though he has been talking about leaving because he hates being away from home. But I know he loves his job and would miss it.

I told him last year that when I qualify from uni I wanted to move to Australia and we had a conversation 3 weeks ago about him transferring to Australian forces. So I asked if he was coming with me to which he replied yeah, but we will have to get married first.

He goes away for a month soon, so hopefully that will give us the space we need. xxx

belfastgirl23

It's not at all clear in your post what YOU want from this relationship. Whatever he's doing, wherever he is, I think you need to figure this bit out first. Either you want a relationship with him, you want 'no strings' fun with him, or you don't want to be in a relationship with him. I think maybe you're giving off very unclear signals. So figure out what you want and tell him would be my advice, then leave the ball in his court....you can't do anything about changing him, the only person you can influence at the minute is yourself, so start there.

Lunar_Eclipse

I think he is completely in love with you, but is scared of making a fool of himself, and/or potentially failing at a serious relationship. Perfectly normal feelings.

I also think there is a good chance that he is not sure how you feel about him; are your feelings for each other equally matched? Could he be feeling like he is exposing himself to you emotionally by laying his cards on the table, without you making commitment noises back? (It's hard to tell from your post, or I missed it, how you handled his declaration of love.)

If you do both love each other, then you need to talk to each other openly and then he might need to take a leap of faith. Talk about all the good aspects of your relationship/friendship, how you would both feel if you missed the opportunity to be together, that things won't be perfect but you are better placed to face the world together and will deal with problems as they arise etc etc. Perhaps he is only wanting to hear these things from you; I'm not sure you've mentioned voicing serious intentions yourself which might solve things.

Think carefully about what you want from him and then make sure you are as honest as possible with him about it.

And if his feelings are stronger than yours and you only want his friendship, I think you need to stop your physical relationship with him for three reasons. Firstly, it's not being fair to him. Secondly, you might develop what I can only describe as false feelings for him that are temporary and thus result in heartache further down the line and thirdly, neither of you are fully available to Mr or Miss Right whilst this is going on.

dontknowwhat2doanymore

Thank you for your replies. I do love him to pieces, he brings out a side of me that I haven't seen for years. Because he started off as my friend, he has seen both the good and bad side to me. He has sat and wiped my tears away when I got emotional.

The think what 'sealed the deal' for me was, funnily enough, our argument at the weekend. Not once did I feel scared or nervous, because I know he would never lose his temper with me and for me this is a massive bonus, as this time last year I thought I would never trust another man.

I was gonna text him and lay everything on the line, but I think I will email him tonight, then I can take my time and not try and squeeze it into a few lines. xxx