Dealing with a break-up (again)

teamcullen

Hi guys,

Well where do I begin. Been with OH for 20months in a long distance relationship, made an effort to see each other every 2/3 weeks which was hard but do-able but six weeks ago my OH decided to break up with me. I'm devestated and haven't a clue how to move on.

A bit of background was, I had an ex (who I was still great friends with) OH didn't like this ex and told me to stop speaking to them. I did at first but then he contacted me out of the blue due to a death in his family he wanted me to know about. He found out and made me promise not to do it anymore and I said I wouldn't. Then six months later he decided that we shouldn't be together as he couldn't trust me anymore.

So at the moment, I seem to spend every night before I try to sleep crying. I've packed all his stuff away so theres no reminders but still if something comes on tv, or newspaper I'm set off again. I do want to move on, and he's pretty much making it clear he doesn't want to speak to me. Any contact is by me texting or calling first and even then he barely utters a word, just listens and makes his excuses. Theres nobody else he's left me for (I don't know if thats better or worse) but I'm just still shellshocked. We were so happy, and had our summer holiday booked for three days after we broke up which we didn't go on. I haven't seen him since the end of July, and that time together was perfect, I can't remember a single disagreement we had either.
I've tried hobbies, running, meeting new people but none of it works! I'm at work a lot of the time and had to move desks as I couldn't handle sitting where I'd talk to him and call excitedly on every break.

Anyway back to the subject at hand. I've had plenty of guys talking to me, but nobody comapares to him. I want to feel like he does and just be able to shake it all off but I can't. I honestly felt he was the love of my life and he said the same. I know he still loves me, I feel he can't get past the trust issue though, and is using not talking to me as a way of dealing with his feelings.

Any help would be much appreciated as I feel as though I'm going out of my mind, and the tears keep coming every day.

Thanks x

RedBern

sorry to hear this - but if speaking to someone you had a close relationship with about the death of someone you (presumably) knew is a deal breaker - then you're better off without him.

Take his number off your 'phone, don't contact him. You deserve better. Things will be tough - but you can't make him want to be with you.

Look for activities in the week that get you out of the house so you're not sitting around moping.

teamcullen

RedBern wrote: »

sorry to hear this - but if speaking to someone you had a close relationship with about the death of someone you (presumably) knew is a deal breaker - then you're better off without him.

Take his number off your 'phone, don't contact him. You deserve better. Things will be tough - but you can't make him want to be with you.

Look for activities in the week that get you out of the house so you're not sitting around moping.

Thanks for the quick reply. I was a bit harsh in my first posting. It wasn't just that, I think it was that I carried on speaking to him for months after. Me and my ex live at opposite ends of the country and both had new partners, if I ever was to see him, my boyfriend would've found out about it due to the travelling distance. So maybe I wasn't fair on his part, he did have his reasons for being angry at me I'll give him that.

misswadey

I second what RedBern says.

You only split up 6 weeks ago, you need to give yourself a chance. You are doing everything right by finding new hobbies and trying to avoid situations you know might remind you of him.

The main thing you need to do is as RedBurn said don't speak to him, if you're getting out of the house and then speaking to him this is a two steps forward 3 steps back kind of thing.

Good luck.

RedBern

teamcullen wrote: »

Thanks for the quick reply. I was a bit harsh in my first posting. It wasn't just that, I think it was that I carried on speaking to him for months after. Me and my ex live at opposite ends of the country and both had new partners, if I ever was to see him, my boyfriend would've found out about it due to the travelling distance. So maybe I wasn't fair on his part, he did have his reasons for being angry at me I'll give him that.

Does he never have any contact with any of his ex-girlfriends? Or is that different?:)

onlyroz

Sounds like this guy has insecurity issues probably compounded by the fact that it was a long distance relationship. If he can't handle the fact that you want to remain friends with your other ex then I think you're better off without him. Sounds like he might be the sort to "forbid" you from having any male friends at all, and I wouldn't put up with that.

teamcullen

RedBern wrote: »

Does he never have any contact with any of his ex-girlfriends? Or is that different?:)

None at all. He never even talks about past relationships either

BitterAndTwisted

I read somewhere once that it can take as long as the relationship lasted to truly get over a break-up. I hope to God that it isn't true for all of us but it's only been six weeks and you have every right to feel hurt and confused. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. You will get over this but it might not be a five minute job.

Please, PLEASE resist the temptation to keep contacting him. It won't be doing you any good. A clean break and time to get over it is what you need for your own sanity's sake. We've all been there and it is hard but there will come a day when he's not the first thing that you think of when you wake up in the morning. Then you'll know that you're on the road to recovery.

I wish you all the best.

Errata

teamcullen wrote: »

None at all. He never even talks about past relationships either

None at all? That's as far as you know, and given it was a long distance relationship there may be a great many things you don't know.
Feelling upset is understandable, but TBH it sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

RedBern

teamcullen wrote: »

None at all. He never even talks about past relationships either

doesn't that strike you as odd??

teamcullen

It doesn't strike me as odd at all. I know about his girlfriend from school and the names of a couple of others but he's never been a relationship sort of person. He doesn't actively seek them and is a very shy person.

He would never have cheated as he wouldn't even know what the concept is! He's lovely and not someone of whom I've had a lucky escape from, just somewhere down the line I've screwed up and hold myself fully accountable for it.

Thank you all for the advice, and I am trying very very hard to resist the urge to call or text or even visit. Each day feels a tiny bit better, until it gets to the night...for some reason thats the worst bit.