Not sure how l feel

sassyblue

Not sure how l feel this morning although l know l'm terribly sad. The problem is hubby and his insistence to do his DIY above everything else.

Simply, when we moved into our house it needed everything bar the electrics re-doing which me and DH were capable of doing. We had been trying for a baby for several years and were overjoyed when l did become pregnant. To cut a very long story short hubby has been more interested in doing the DIY than finding some middle ground which pleases both of us.

I work everyday in school hours, (our little one has just started school - this has been a problem since he was born though), l come home, cook tea, tidy it up, do all the housework & laundry over the week while hubby thinks he can get on with the DIY.

It works okay until our son plays up, he can be a uber demanding as 4 year olds are prone to be but sometimes l would appreciate some help. I also put him to bed everynight and he plays me up, if hubby puts him to bed then he will stay in his room. My reasoning is hubby can put him to bed every night but hubby thinks l should be able to do it.

I think it wouldn't hurt to down tools for a little while to help me out, whereas hubby tries to make me feel l'm rubbish (he would rather rant and criticise me than help out).

I just don't know what to think if l'm being unreasonable?? This is a constant theme and despite my requests we never seem to get anywhere. Hubby has killed all the love l have for him because he would rather pick up his paintbrush than do things with our son (he will sometimes but it's on his terms, when he wants to do DIY he expects me to take over again). I have lots of baby stuff to sort out and sell but l'm never given the time to do that, it's hubbys work first - oh but then he will moan l haven't sold the stuff.

Please advise me, l'm not sure it's worth carrying on with this marriage, we used to be so happy but now l'm always the one who has to compromise, l've told him l'm not happy he promises to help a bit more but as l say he soon goes back to his old ways.

His father told him when we got a house 'don't have ALL your money going on the mortgage, leave some spare so you can enjoy yourself' l feel this is exactly what hubby is doing with the DIY situation, it's total and leaves no room for anything else. The house is nearly finished so l can see l just have to hold out a bit more, but he's already thinking of block paving the front sides and back of the house.......

sorry if l'm rambling but thanks for the opportunity to rant.

Skylarker

Oh you sound like you need a big hug.

I'm sure your OH thinks he's doing the best thing by making the house perfect for his family but his priorities clearly are way out from yours. Try to take a step back from the situation to think about all the reasons you loved him in the first place. It does sound like you need a re-dividing of chores, especially if the house is nearly finished, I'm assuming you're not living in a hellish pit here and that it is jobs he is choosing to do rather than needing to do.

My OH and I don't have children so I don't know how much this will help, but we both work full-time jobs, him 8-6 weekdays and me shifts, often including weekends.

I write the shopping list - he does the shopping, because I don't drive and am usually working Sat mornings when he has time to do supermarket run.

I cook, he washes up. Could this work for you?

We both put laundry on, but I'm the only one who ever gets it out of the machine or puts it away, he claims he doesn't know where anything goes.....

Can you get a babysitter one night to go out to neutral territory to discuss the issues? I know childcare isn't always as easy as that but it might really help to have time to focus on talking without being distracted.

I'm sure you would prefer to solve the problem rather than leave, does he understand HOW serious you find this?

I wouldn't actually do it myself but there's always the thought of taking a stand, something like saying 'if DIY is all you do, childcare will be all I do' and see how long it takes him to realise how much housework there is to get done, then maybe he'll see it needs to be shared. My OH wouldn't dare complain the house was untidy etc because the only response he would get is 'have your hands fallen off?'

Tish_P

All the best with this problem sassyblue, hope you and your family can sort it out. Talking it over somewhere neutral like Skylarker suggests is probably a really good idea. (What is your husband planning to do when all the necessary DIY is done? He must realise he can't hide behind the Black & Decker forever!)

gonzo127

sorry to hear you are down, in some ways the above seems to be calling out for some counselling before it goes too far and splits up the marriage, although you could possibly try a few different approachs

is your OH the sort of person who might respond better to a letter than talking? so you can put down your feelings and needs so that he can read it and then have some time to absorb it?

could you look into having some time limits on things yes i know this might seem like something you would do with children but it can work, for example if you both get home at 6, child goes to bed at 8 and you go to bed at 10 set it up so that he can do 2 hours DIY when he comes home until childs bedtime where you both put child to bed and then the remaining 2 hours is him helping you or you spending time together

does he spend all his time doing the DIY because he feels pressured to finish the house? or to provide you with the perfect house?

mrswrap

deleted post

sassyblue

mrswrap wrote: »

I thought this was a mickey take of my post for a minute. I have sympathy though as you know things aren't easy at times.

Not the best person to give advice i know but i have given dh letters in the past and he has absorbed them but it didn't last long before things resort back to how they were.

I hope you get it sorted x

No way, l've spoken to you on your thread anyway.

Thankyou gonzo, tish and skylarker, hubby definitely thinks he's giving us a lovely home - and he really is - but he's a perfectionist and it comes before anything else, that's the problem. I may sound horrible and materialistic but we've worked for this all our time together (18 years) and we now have a lovely home but sometimes l think l'd be more upset at losing the house than him because he's upset me so many times.

I feel better for writing it all down though, l'm fed up with trying to talk to him though, so maybe a letter would be better, trouble is he doesn't see my point of view and he gets abusive, i.e 'l bet other husbands don't help their wives as much as you think'... 'other mums seem to be able to cope' blah, blah, blah. l see this as a way of control though as l back down then doubting myself whilst he gets his own way and goes off to do his ****** diy anyway.

Thanks for not making me feel unreasonable though.

Plans_all_plans

Well our DD is nearly the same age as your little one. My husband leaves at 8 and is home for 6 every weekday. I have just started a part time job. I do all cooking, washing up, washing clothes, cleaning/dusting.

While I was a stay at home mum I did everything housework wise but since starting part time work my husband tries to do some ironing and hoovering, which I appreciate.

He has always done the bathing/bedtime routine, regardless of whether I worked or not. He also will get her eating her tea, whereas she plays up for me. I would find it hard coping with doing everything (even if I was out of work) so I dont think you are unreasonable to want some input from him. Tell him that other mums cope because they HAVE to. If their husband wont help they either have to cope (and possibly be unhappy) or they end up leaving their husband to the children's detriment. Neither situation is ideal.

In your situation, I would not leave my husband - even if he didnt change his ways - as your child is growing up and soon will be less dependent on you and you will find the time to do housework etc.

Is reducing your hours/working less hard/stopping work completely an option for you? Could you manage on one salary?

Tish_P

sassyblue, don't let him change the subject to what other wives expect or other husbands do. All those other people don't live in your house and they have nothing to do with the case. This is about how you and your husband and your son can arrange things fairly and be happy.

I wouldn't advise stopping work if you think there is any chance that this relationship will not survive. The last thing you want is to become more financially dependent on a shaky relationship - you will feel resentful and trapped.