Neutral Viewpoint Required...

DS4215

Ok, so long story short. Been married 14 years, together 17. OH left work in 2000 when daughter was born and in 2001 we moved out of town to a housing estate near a village. Since then, except for about 2 months, I have been the only earner in the family. Over this time we have gained a large amount of debt - about 1 years of my salary at peak, but at the start of the year I went on a DMP and gained a CCJ and that has been coming down... slowly. The debts were a combination of holidays (>10K), driving lessons (2-3K) for OH to fail test and pack in, and extras when money was short (credit cards, etc). It was very stupid, but its too late now and needs to be repaid somehow...

After about a year or so in our current house, the OH was unsettled and wanted to move. After about 3-4 years I agreed to this and we put the house on the market. Just as the sale was about to go through I was made redundant and had to pull out (2006). The situation in the housing market since then has made me nervous of moving.... One of her main problems with the current house is her perceived lack of public transport - it is a 10min walk to the nearest bus stop and a 20min journey to the nearest towns.

About 4-5months ago an amount of my work was off-shored and my overtime dropped by about 2-300 a month. This has lead to us running out of money mid-way through the month. I am doing what I can to bring extra in (quiz questions, phone book delivery, etc) - primarily to pay off the debts, but it has been needed for little things like food and petrol and so no debt repayment out of it

My OH worked for a couple of months earlier this year, but left at the end of the training period (she was being pushed into an unsuitable technical department for her). Since then, she hasn't applied for any positions and refuses to. Her reasons - lack of transport, although a 5minute search the other day bought up 3-4 jobs within a 2-3mile radius so I could either drop her off or possibly even walk/cycle and some were even home based.

At it stands, we need to do something radical to stop running out of money. I can see 3 options:

1). Cancel non-essentials (such as Sky, Breakfast Club, etc)
2). Bring more money in (OH starting work)

Now, the OH is effectively refusing to work (saying that she wouldn't need to if I hadn't run up the debts) and also objecting to me attempting to cancel things like Sky. Is there another way around this, and am I being unreasonable to expect her to look for paid employment?

Oldernotwiser

Why are you paying for a Breakfast Club when your OP is at home?

babymoo

Before I give you my opinion you should know I am 23 years old, never married, no kids and currently living with parents after getting myself into debt and clawing my way out of it again, so my view may perhaps be somewhat different to someone who is married with kids.

Ok my opinion, it sounds to me like your OH is stuck in a rut and possibly even depressed? If not she is just plain lazy and should get off her backside and do something and be greatful for being well enough to be able to walk 10 mins to a bus stop and then go to work! No it is not unreasonable for you to cut down on the luxuries while your trying to get out of debt and it is not unreasonable for your to want your OH to work when the children are at school. Your OH is blaming you for running up the debt but I am guessing that she went on the holidays with you and as you said it was her driving lessons, so she had her hand in your debts. If I was you I would tell her that while you are the only person bringing money into the house that the luxuries are going, if she would like to keep the luxuries then she has to contribute.

What does she do all day when the children are at school, I am assuming as you work and she doesn't that you need never lift a finger around the house?

NAR

She has been provided with a very cushy lifestyle. What does she do all day - watch TV?
1. Cancel Sky.
2. Tell her to get a job.

You are doing your bit - tell her to do hers! :mad: Tell her the days of pampered wives has long since gone.

LittleTinker

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.......I think your OH is being quite selfish.

If I were you, the first thing I would do is cancel that Sky and if OH isnt happy then thats her look out.

Its time one of you got tough..........and it looks as though it has to be you. Honestly though, she will respect you for it deep down eventually.

DS4215

Its a 10-15 min walk to the school. The shortest way is across fields. I start work at 8am and am unable to take her. The OH doesn't. DD walks herself home 4 evenings a week with ner mates.

ema_o

Based on what you have written it does sound like your OH is being very unreasonable, but I don't want to be too judgemental as there will be another side to the story. Do you have younger children that your OH looks after? Does your OH have other reasons for not wanting to work?

If you are running out of money partway through the month 1. will have to be done, starting as soon as you can. Not really a choice if there isn't the money for sky and so on.
With regards to your OH finding a job, I think it is completely reasonable. From what you have stated you have both contributed to / benefited from the debts and her saying it is you is a tad worrying (unless she has a reason to believe this is the case). Even if this is the case, you can't live the life you want to on one salary, so it is a choice of changing your lifestyle or changing your income.

Definitely look at the debt free board and see if there is a strategy you can adopt without her returning to work and suggest that as an alternative (I imagine it won't be a very nice alternative, no holidays, much reduced budget for food and probably nothing for days out / spending money). Maybe you could use this to work out that she doesn't need to work full time / can do something worse paid but more preferable etc, but still make ends meet.
Perhaps (if this is an issue) you could agree to split the housework with her (making assumptions that she does all of it if not working).

Alikay

No. She needs to find a job. I also think your either/or option of lowering outgoings/increasing income doesn't go far enough - surely you need to do both until your debts are manageable?

In the meantime while she looks for work, which may be some time in the current climate, is she willing to slash outgoings by cooking from scratch and being thrifty (as per the old-style board on this forum) and doing stuff like online paid surveys to bring in a few odd pounds? It must be really frustrating for you to have a partner who refuses to take responsibility when things get tough.

nickyhutch

Your wife is being incredibly selfish. She helped you build up those debts by not being in work in the first place - if sh'ed been bringing a wage in as well as you, there would have been more money around.

Why on earth are you paying for a breakfast club when your wife doesn't work? What does she do all day while you work your butt off?

Oldernotwiser

DS4215 wrote: »

Its a 10-15 min walk to the school. The shortest way is across fields. I start work at 8am and am unable to take her. The OH doesn't. DD walks herself home 4 evenings a week with ner mates.

Why on earth not?

ninky_2

oh dear what a difficult situation to be in. however she needs to be got out of this rut and start taking an equal share of the responsibility in the relationship. obviously we are not getting her side by from what you say she is being unreasonable.

this may be due to depression / low self esteem / fear. whatever it is though you won't improve things by making life comfy at home. i had some taste of this as my OH was out of work for a while(some years). although we don't have kids. whilst i realised it was hard for him to get a job and all the associated practical and emotional issues i eventually decided it had to be tough love - so that means cutting back available spending money and luxuries like Sky.

have you considered your wife doing some training / course. this could give her the confidence to get back into the workforce. you could also consider getting a scooter if she can't drive but needs to get about.

i think it's fine for one partner not to work if it's a mutually agreed thing but when you need the money and you are finding the responsibilty too much on your own she needs to step up to the mark.