Advice Needed Please

caroline78

First of all let me say sorry for this being so long and maybe a bit confusing. If anyone needs me to explain a bit more, or has any advice please feel free to say so. I will take all comments on board.

Okay I have been with my partner C for nearly nine years. I met him as his previous relationship had just broken up a few months and he has three kids to this girl. The kids are now 17, 15 and 13. There is a bit of an issue as he suspects that the oldest and youngest are not his, but the kids are not aware of this and it has never really been spoken about with his ex. He is also not on the birth certificates.

Okay, now when they were together he had quite a bad drink problem and she wasn't much better...although he admits to it, she won't....she would quite often leave him with the kids and go to her mum's for a day and then not come back for weeks, not because of a row or anything just because she wanted to. There was fault on both sides, although to hear her talk it was all his fault.

When they broke up, he was living in another town with his sister which is where I met him. There was no contact for about 9 months when we first got together...she wouldn't even tell him where she lived. Over the past years things have improved, although it is me that does all the contact as when he tries to talk to her she brings up all sorts from the past and he doesn't want to sink to that level.

About four years ago the eldest son was getting hard to handle and she threw him out...he was about 13 at the time and she sent him to us with no warning...just a phone call to say he was on the bus, she sent him with no clothes or money, not even £1 in his pocket or a change of underwear...i had to get out of work early and buy him some clothes. She then decided she wanted him back a few days later and then kept putting it off and I ended up telling her I was going to phone Social Services. I didn't carry through with the threat because she got him picked up that night. The entire time he was with us he missed school as we don't drink and lived about 30 miles from the school.

Then she moved into the estate where we live, just a minutes walk away and we seen the kids a lot more. The eldest won't speak to his dad now and we very rarely seen the youngest. The middle son is never away from our house.

About three years ago she had to go to England for a funeral and was meant to be away for three days. We didn't know about this and only found when when the middle child came down to our house and told us he was having to stay with a very elderly aunt with his brother, and the youngest was staying with a friend of the mums, whom she had known for four weeks. We phoned the mum and told her we had the middle son, and she said she would send us money for him. The money didn't matter, and also never appeared. She wa smeant to be home on the Wed...she stayed away for ten days, not three, and never phoned once to tell us.

At the start of the year the child told us his school report was ready to be collected and his mum didn't want to collect it, she never goes to any school event and nor does she tell us about them, so we grabbed the chance to go and I was appaled to find out that his attendance record was only 74%, he misses one day every week. Aside from that his school work is quite good and he loves going.

Then yesterday I was at work and my partner phoned to tell me that the child was in our flat and his mum had threw him out. I phoned the mum and her phone rang through twice and then I phoned one of the other kids and got to speak to her that way. She said that £2 had went missing from her purse and that it was the child who took it. He denies this and I believe him. The other two kids were in the house too so it oculd have been any of them. She had went out the night before to a friends house and never returned home until 3am...which happens most nights, which is probably why the kids don't attend school....she had left her purse in the house and all three kids were there.

She said she didn't care where he went, and took his phone and even his coat of him. I phoned and said he could stay with us for the week and would she send up his stuff. She sent up a school uniform, but no bus pass, no clean underwear and a school bag with only one book in it....no extra clothes or cleansing items..

Today when he came in from school he asked to talk to me and told me he doesn't want to go home...he was so sad and down about it...He is normally a happy child, and well behaved, but when he is home he is always grounded and being told off...He was bought a laptop for Christmas which he has never used as his mum claimed it.

Before anyone says that we probably spoil him, we don't. He gets up for school, when he gets home he has to do his homework and have his dinner before going out and we make him be in for 9pm and in bed for 10pm. He likes this as it is a routine...at home his elder brother, who still stays with the aunt has to come home every morning to get the mum up who then wakes the kids by lying in bed and shouting at them...most days they are late.

We don't give money to her as she claims single parent money, and also DLA as she has a sore back....only when it suits though, but we do give money to the kids and buy them items as we go, if we gave her money she would spend it on herself.

What do we do, he really doesn't want to go home, but we have no idea on who to approach or what to do...

Any advice is welcome..

Thanks..

RAS

Does OH have parental rights over any of the children?

caroline78

No, he doesn't..

sonia1976

I would make it a priority to apply for parental rights. Maybe contact Social Services and ask advice or if you don't feel comfortable with that, the CAB. As the son is 15, he is old enough to have a say in where he lives. What sort of effect would it have on the 13 year old though?
I hope someone on here with more knowledge on the matter can offer some advice. Good luck.

Wow

sonia1976 wrote: »

I would make it a priority to apply for parental rights. Maybe contact Social Services and ask advice or if you don't feel comfortable with that, the CAB. As the son is 15, he is old enough to have a say in where he lives. What sort of effect would it have on the 13 year old though?
I hope someone on here with more knowledge on the matter can offer some advice. Good luck.

But can you honestly see the mother agreeing to the father having parental rights when she will probably lose money.

sonia1976

Wow wrote: »

But can you honestly see the mother agreeing to the father having parental rights when she will probably lose money.

That's no reason not to try.

Wow

sonia1976 wrote: »

That's no reason not to try.

I suppose not but I can sort of guess what the mothers response will be. I could be wrong though.

snugglepet20

I would ring social services and report your concerns and tell them that the child has chosen to stay with you. This is really to cover yourself in case she tries to claim you have stolen her child which from the sounds of her is not beyond the realm of possibility.

If she is as uncaring as you state she will probably do very little to get the child back as long as she is getting the money for him. Once he is 16 he can choose who to live with himself so it may just be a case of hanging on for a few months and letting him stay with you unofficially if you can afford it financially.

elektra-2007

i think at his age he can choose where he stays BUT it will have to be done properly. Id either speak to social services or a solicitor. As for money even if you rang up today she would still get the money for 6 weeks, its just the way it works. I would take a trip to her house and try get the rest of his stuff, uniform ect. Then take it from there. How about giving it a few weeks to see how it goes, kids can change their minds quickly if somthing dosent go their way. If the mum kicks off wanting him back, there isnt a alot she can do, she can send the police round but at 15 i doubt the police would force him back, she can goto court which is fine, because then you can have a hearing and the childs wishes will be taken into account. She can get social services and again if the 15yr old wants to stay with you, there not likely to force him back home as when he is 16 he can legally leave anyway.
Good luck i hope it works out.

caroline78

Wow wrote: »

But can you honestly see the mother agreeing to the father having parental rights when she will probably lose money.

I don't think she would allow it for that exact reason..

caroline78

elektra-2007 wrote: »

i think at his age he can choose where he stays BUT it will have to be done properly. Id either speak to social services or a solicitor. As for money even if you rang up today she would still get the money for 6 weeks, its just the way it works. I would take a trip to her house and try get the rest of his stuff, uniform ect. Then take it from there. How about giving it a few weeks to see how it goes, kids can change their minds quickly if somthing dosent go their way. If the mum kicks off wanting him back, there isnt a alot she can do, she can send the police round but at 15 i doubt the police would force him back, she can goto court which is fine, because then you can have a hearing and the childs wishes will be taken into account. She can get social services and again if the 15yr old wants to stay with you, there not likely to force him back home as when he is 16 he can legally leave anyway.
Good luck i hope it works out.

The money bit isn't really important to us...we are not loaded, my OH doesn't work and I only work part time now, but we could manage. I would just be worried we wouldn't have any legal rights over his education and health....things like doctors and hospitals and school events..