Parents - social services, GPs etc

polgara

Totally at the end of my tether -

Long story but both parents have alcohol problems - my Dad is disabled (strokes, arthritis etc etc) some of which exacerbated by the alcohol. After the last stroke he was bed-ridden for a long period of time, and no has no confidence walking so stays in bed all day. He's also now suffering with severe depression. Mum is looking after him but the strain is telling! However, she doesn't help matters (stuff she does/things she says). Think she's depressed too really

Social worker hasn't been in contact, Dad is refusing to see the psychiatrist, Mum refuses to speak to the GP/or arrange for some help/respite/a sitter etc.

I live a considerable distance away so can't get over but wanted to know how to get some help for them - ideally they should be in nursing/residential care but both will fight that. They won't help themselves/ask for help and I'm at a loss.

Work is very precarious so trying to contact people in worktime is problematic but willing to try anything - can't go on this this

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

A horrible situation. But if they don't want help, you can't make them have it. and you can't fix this anymore than you would be able to fix their alcohol problems, I'm afraid.

To be honest, it sounds harsh, but you need help more, as you're the one who is really suffering as you are the innocent party in this - were you a 'looker-after' as a child for them, by any chance?

If you were to visit your GP and get help for yourself, they may also be able to explain what, if anything, could be offered to them, but if they are in that condition, really, the only thing you can really affect is how you react.

But I am truly sorry for the situation you are, and have been, in.

elsien

You can contact the social services duty team and express your concerns if you feel one or both are risk and you're not getting anywhere with their allocated worker (if they have one), but after that it really is up to your parents whether they accept any help, I'm afraid. Maybe stress your mum's condition and the fact that you don't think she's up to making these decisions at the moment, (mention the mental capacity act as well.) And keep going back to them until someone at least makes the effort to visit. Those that shout loudest (metaphorically speaking) tend to get a bit further at times where social services are concerned.
Are there/have there been anyone else involved who may be able to help - community nurse anyone like that?
Perhaps your mum is refusing help because she's worried about being moved into care against her will, so if someone could explain she can have help without it meaning losing their independence she might be more willing to consider the idea.

polgara

Jojo - thanks for the advice. To be honest wasn't too affected as a child by their drinking (dependence only seemed to ramp up once neither of them was working due to ill health) but always been a do-er so feels somewhat impotent at the moment.

Elsien - would the duty team talk to me or just refer to the named worker? Dad has been discharged by OT (they saw he should be mobile so have cut contact) - would have thought they'd want the hospital bed back once that was established but that doesn't seem to have happened.

Was wondering if the CPN would do anything else - they referred to the psychiatrist but thats been that - Dad is worried he'll get 'locked up' but will see people if they come to him. Also wonder if he's become slightly agoraphobic - think he's not left the house in about 5 years unless its been to go to hospital (and even then as an emergency/ambulance) - dentist, optician, GP etc all come to him.

They are both incredibly stubborn and proud ...to their detriment really!

elsien

The duty team probably wouldn't do anything directly, they'd refer back to the team your parents are allocated to (depending how they judge the severity of the situation.) It's more a way of making a protest that nothing is happening when you really think it should be, and getting your calls recorded and logged. That way, if there's still not a lot happening and you have to keep chasing, you and they have a record of the calls made, so they can't pretend it hasn't happened.
If your parents have an allocated social worker who should be seeing them, and nothing has happened, you need to nag and keep nagging till someone takes notice. (That's presuming of course that the social worker hasn't been in touch and been fobbed off by your mum and dad.) And write to the named worker if phoning is difficult for you, to stop your parents from sinking to the bottom of the priority pile. Letters may also be harder to ignore than phone call.
Certainly go back to the CPN, and ask what else they have to offer. It's not unheard of for psychiatrists to do home visits if people aren't up to going to appointments, especially if your dad has been housebound for that long. Work on the basis that if you don't ask, (and keep asking), you don't get. And stress the impact on your mum, and that she may not be able to keep up her caring role without getting ill herself.
Maybe also write to your mum's GP with your concerns about her getting depressed. Again, they probably won't be able to respond to you, but it'll be on her file so if she visits the doctor at any point, they'll have the opportunity to raise how she feels with her while she's there.
Has your dad had a community care assessment, and your mum a carer's assessment from social services? If not, they need one. It does rely on them co-operating with social service which obviously isn't going to be easy. Maybe if you can explain that asking for help doesn't mean being plonked in a home, and that they keep control of the help they get, and can still say no if they really don't want it. Can you get information for them from one of the carer charities or age concern. If they feel more in control and can be reassured that their independence isn't going to vanish overnight, they might be a bit more open-minded.

You can't make your parents accept help, but you can make sure that the professionals involved are genuinely doing everything they can, not taking no for an answer and just walking away. And you can be sure in your own mind that you've done everything you possibly can to facilitate that. Then you might just need to back off and wait for your parents to see the consequences of their actions. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't force them.

(Be prepared for people to not be able to discuss things with you due to confidentiality/data protection if you can't get mum and dad to give permission for you to talk on their behalf. That doesn't stop you from making a lot of noise though, and trying to make people take the situation seriously.)

polgara

Well had a frustrating time on the telephone...

GP practice was very helpful - though unable to say much due to confidentiality (luckily have a recent consent letter due to dealing with a complaint with Dad's care at a local hospital), so had to say the key phrases - know he's an alcoholic, depression etc before they could be more forthcoming. They gave me details of the CMHT he was referred to...

CMHT - hmmm...rang - recorded message saying this number has been changed, rang that one, another recorded message - finally after 4! recorded messages got through to someone - left a message and they'll be getting back to me tomorrow about trying to get a psychiatrist to my Dad.

Social worker - well my Dad played a blinder - SW rang and spoke to Dad (Mum was out getting prescriptions), SW left her number for Mum to ring back (re carer assessment), he told us both that SW was going to ring back....cue Mum waiting (kept telling her to chase the SW...but. she never did). Don't know if it'll all help but did manage to get across the fact that Dad deliberately (or not) appears to be trying to hamper Mum leaving the house (unless to get booze!)

I agree, at least I feel that I've tried to help - still worry it'll all end badly but at least I have raised concerns. Parents are annoyed with me (particularly Dad) but its better than waiting for the police ringing me!