Advice needed - planning separation

mrs_slapshot

Hi

I am planning to leave my husband this year - long story, won't bore you with all of it but basically have been to Relate twice which clearly didn't work. Part of the reason for leaving is his financial situation. We bought a new house 3 years ago, part-way through the purchase he owned up to being 17K in debt on a credit card which I knew nothing about (and he'd previously been £5k in debt which again I knew nothing about, and we had paid off). We paid off the 17K with the sale of the house and the promise from him that he would change and take a greater responsibility in our family and with our finances which has not happened. I have decided it's better to cut my losses now and start again - just me and our 8yo son - and go our separate ways. Needless to say he has no idea I am planning this. It would have happened two years ago but for the credit crunch.

Anyway, need advice really. I need to get a few things sorted in the house (some redecoration, new taps etc) to make sure it has a good chance of selling, which is why I am planning this for a few months time. In the meantime, what else should/could I be doing to help me when the time comes - ie should we use any extra money to pay more off the mortgage every month? I work p/t currently and think I will have to work f/t - what benefits etc could I be entitled to? What will we do when the time comes about settling joint financial affairs - we have a joint account which both our salaries are paid into and all the bills come out of.

Also, I did a credit report against me earlier today and found that under the 'financial association' tab, there is a record against his name for Rank Gambling. I am thinking the worst about this - could I be right? I would like to do a credit report against him, although I know that is a criminal offence, but I need to know if he has got into trouble again. He has a separate credit card which he insisted on keeping and using for work expenses which should then be paid off -the last time I saw a statement (early last year) the balance was 4K (gulp) which he promised me he was claiming back from work - which is feasible. There were also two credit checks by MBNA on the 'financial association' tab last March.

Sorry for the rambling post, my mind is all over the place at the moment. I am so so scared of making this move as I know he will be difficult about it, and it will be hard for me financially (although if I work f/t I will earn 37K so not as difficult as for some), but I really think my son and I deserve to live in a happy home together, not one where there is no affection or love, and a constant worry over whether my OH has got into financial difficulty again.

Any help or advice appreciated - thanks.

salesaddict

Hi there,

I am not in a position to give you advice on the practicalities, others will be along soon who are more qualified to help. For what its worth, I would be taking the same action as you to protect myself and my children. I have witnessed the devastating effects on famililes and friends close to me of debt caused by gambling, alcoholism and just general not facing upto reality. I wish you all the best and I will follow your thread closely if you choose to keep posting.

xx

dogcat_2

Basically some people are not good with money, and never will be. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

deedee71

Some basic points - paying into the mortgage. difficult one. On the one hand you don't want to leave yourself short of cash, on the other what if some credit company comes knocking.

Also your son is only 8 and he may not cope well with childminding/you away more, and feel as if he has lost both parents if you go FT.

Also, and this may sound bad, you may be financially better off working p/t and claiming tax credits. There are websites you can play around on - through https://www.direct.gov.co.uk I think.

Take things slow and work your way through it. It's not a race and planning is definitely the key.

Good luck

JoW123

Oh there are so many alarm bells ringing with me about your post! I seperated from my partner in the autumn related to a very similar experience. Do you know what he has spent the money on i.e. are there things that you can see he has bought with it? If not there is a fair amount of evidence to suggest a gambling addiction, which unfortunately without treatment is only likely to get worse. My ex told me so many plausible lies which are still coming to light but your comment about the work credit card strikes a chord. Why would he be allowed to run up that sort of a bill on expenses? My ex took out new credit cards, ran up debts and then broke down and even claimed the cards had been cloned. None of it was his so he claimed but in reality he had lost it all on betting websites. This was after we had paid off debts twice with him promising not to do it again. If you like I will pm you a link to a book I found very helpful.

I work part-time and get some help via tax credits. Its far from easy but its a hell of a lot better than the continuous lies and anxiety as to what was happening that I knew nothing about. Look after yourself and plan slowly.

mrs_slapshot

Thanks everyone for your posts.

I know,, the more I think about it the more worried I become. No, I can't see what he's been spending on apart from a few clothes but nothing that would suggest that amount of debt. Plausible lies... yes, I think he has become a very good liar. Or maybe I'm just gullible. Anyway, one way or another I will find out what his debts are. It will just be the final nail in the coffin though.

deedee - I did look at the gov't site, and I think I will be better off working f/t. However, I will try to sort my hours so I can pick my son up from school twice a week, like I do now. That way, hopefully it will keep things a bit more 'normal' for him.

JoW123 - how did you manage the practicalities like sorting bank account, paying mortgage etc? I just KNOW he's going to be very difficult about things.