Need a slap with a wet fish and get my head out of my..

MicheH

Here's the thing..

We went BR on Monday which is a huge relief as you can imagine. We're going to lose our home and have ceased paying our mortgage as we know we'll need deposits, bonds and first month rent as well as fees galore I expect so thats how we're saving.

Were struggling to find an agent to accept us though. They need a guarentor. Well my mum has refused as she's worried about the threat of having to pay £550 rental payments. We accepted this and didn't want my mum stressed out with worry. We then found an agent who would deal with us and would accept 2 guarentors, splitting the stress so it were and we thought this was a real goer as my sister and her husband have a lot of surplus income and the thought of having to pay £275 each was not so daunting.

My husband and I then got to thinking that we needed to eliminate every kind of risk before we went to them to ask for there help. So we got together a package of info reguarding unemployment ins, injury and illness and critical illness and found a more appropriate life policy now we didnt have a mortgage. We were even prepared to pay a stupidly high premium every month for the insurances so we could have instant access to the money as apposed to the regular 3/6 month wait for payout. We also looked into the benefits and JS allowance DH would receive if he lost his job just so they would feel secure that they were only a name as it were. I ensured them we would only ever get 6 months leases and they could of course get a copy of the lease before any signing.

I also offered to look after their little girl for them when my sister went back to work after maternity leave saving them £300 a month which would cancel out any payment they would be required to pay as guarentors. I felt we had covered every eventuality, eleminated risk shown we were serious and investigated every thing and offering something in return.

It was a big fat no. Although my head tells me why they have said no I am absolutely mortified. I can't get over the feeling of abandonment from my family, I feel unloved and not cared for enough for them to help us out. I am really angry with them and feel I am being selfish in feeling this way. I'm hurting really bad but feel I should be snapping out of it as it's a selfish attitude, they're quite welcome to carry on living their comfortable lives, after all we're in this mess not them.

Just to make me feel worse, now they know I would look after their little girl they have offered me £100 a month to care for her (a saving of £200 for them if they put her into the place they had her lined up for her) I feel like I should be jumping for joy because we'd get an extra £100 a month (an hourly rate of £1.56 ) but I feel like I am being taken advantage of big style. More savings for them to live even more comfortably and I don't even know where I'm going to live with my two girls.

Maybe I am jelous, it sure sounds that way but I don't want their life, I don't want their money I just want to have the fresh start to rebuild my life in an area thats safe, secure and surrounded by decent schools for my very clever little girls.

I invite your comments even if you're going to tell me to snap out of it, stop being selfish etc I really do need to snap out of it for the sake of my relationship with my sister. I feel like i'll never forgive her for this and that is really worrying.

iquit

MH sorry you're feeling unloved and having a difficult time. I'm glad you are on here venting - it's what we all need at times. Things that would normally just irritate seem to really gnaw away at you once you go bankrupt. I have found that I'm ultra sensitive and touchy since going bankrupt. Keep trying to find a helpful estate agent/ landlord. People who're bankrupt have managed to and reported their success on this forum. Well done on your research that was good thinking to cover all possible events and reassure your guarantor. Tell your sister that in view of your financial situation the money she's offering you to look after your niece isn't what you were hoping for and see what she says. Good luck and things will get better for you and your family.

FinancesOfAFiveYearOld

Nah, what you need is a hug.

Faxing three over immediately. One for you, one for OH and one for spare.

I went BR in July 2008 and my brother hasn't enquired yet whether I am alive or dead, let alone just emailed me occasionally for conversation's sake.

Families are weird. Take a deep breath and count backwards from a million. You are obviously the adult here, you have coped and can cope even more. People who have not gone through this have very, very, little idea what it's like.

p.s., don't forget to use the hugs when they arrive.

kew63

Firstly congrats on BR & the relief that will bring.
Friends & family can be a funny lot, the word BR will either have them scuttling under the nearest rock or full support. It is true "you find out who your real friends are" at times like this.
Reason people behave like that is usually fear, dont want their lifes affected, almost like it might be catching.
Very hurtful, but you cant change them, and they'll have to live with the knowledge they didnt help when it was needed.
Agree with iquit £100 per month is not enough and you cant do it for that, if they can say no, so can you.
You will find an estate agent that will help you, maybe worth asking your local CAB to see if they can recommend any BR friendly. Also ask around maybe you can find a rental that isnt through an agent.

Good luck, will be keeping fingers crossed for you & look forward to hearing that you've managed to get something sorted :-)

YamahaR6

Unfortunately the old saying "you can't choose your family but you can your friends" means more than ever when facing something as difficult as this. I learnt not to rely on my family for anything a long time ago and as far as my brother is concerned....well....I don't have a brother as far as I'm concerned. Sad but true.

Keep your head held high and carry on looking. I'm sure you'll find something soon and there's plenty of folk on here going through exactly the same to give you all the support you need. That's what we're all here for afterall, to give each other support and guidance through the tough times.

As for the £100 a month offer, me being a bit of a hot headed fool 99.9% of the time, I'd tell her to stick it as I too would feel like they were taking advantage of my desperate situation. I'd offer to do it for £200 a month, at least then they'd still be saving themselves £100 and it would feel less of an insult to me.

As FOAFYO has already said, you have coped and you will cope. What doesn't break us only makes us stronger and I firmly believe that. More hugs coming from me and don't give up.

tigerfeet2006

You definatly need (((hugs))) and not a slap with a wet fish. I agree with Kew about the CAB and also look on Gumtree and your local papers for private lets. Could you also get together a deposit of 6 months and see if they will accept that rather than a guarantor.

Also as Yamaha says offer to do it for £200 a month, your DS is being a cheeky mare saying £100, or just say sorry due to circumstances you can no longer do it.

MicheH

Thank you every one. I'm so pleased that you can understand where I'm coming from and not judge my maybe selfish feelings towards my sister. I know it is going to eat at me for the rest of my life and I hope she never has to ask me for help if her life suddenly takes a turn. I know just how rapidly things can change, theres no certainties. I wish my dad was alive that's all, we'd have been fine with dad looking out for me and then maybe my mum wouldn't be so reluctant too.

Thanks again every one, head held well high and determined to sort ourselves out and never rely on anyone for supposed help (banks included lol!)

gonebellyup

Dear MicheH
Only want to repeat what others have said really. Sending big hugs and £100 is not enough for your childcare services - you are worth more.

best wishes

Charco_2

From the way you are expressing yourself here, it seems like you have the strength to be the bigger person and forgive your sister. Your feelings are hurt no doubt but your head is telling you that you understand. Perhaps they are not as well off as you think. Perhaps they dont understand. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

On the otherhand £100 to look after their girl on what i would assume to be MORE THAN a full-time basis (you'll be working longer hours than your sister ie. starting before your sister gets to work and working til after she gets back, probably you ending up leaving her home half the time...) All this without the freedom to do something else now and again... Big commitment for £100

I'm so sorry you felt that you didn't get the support you needed in a tough time but the important thing is that you've faced you debts head on and didn't let them beat you. Good luck!