who provides what?

jetcat

i have now received yet another letter from my ex's solicitor - stating amongst other things he will care for DD2 if DD1 has to go into hospital, "providing he doesnt have prior arrangements and sufficent provisions are provided".

2 things -

First, as i have said before, there is a history between me and ex, and if i had any choice at all, DD2 wouldnt be going there - but when DD1 is admitted to hospital, it is as an emergency, and will be in for 5 days - 3 times in the past year. I dont have any family to ask. The way our hospital works is that she is admitted to local hospital day unit, and they then decide at closing time (7pm) whether to move her to childrens ward at other hosptial. This has happened each time, as she needs IV drugs. In the past, despite a lot of arguing and huffing and puffing, ex has agreed to take DD2 as soon as i have to go to day unit, as we know she will be kept in. But, the last time DD1 was in hosptial, ex got fed up of looking after DD2 (4 days!) complaining that i didnt provide enough nappies etc, and he was too tired from her getting up too early (7am). He had to pick her up from nursery, and i couldnt get home to get some more till the next day, meaning he had to buy some. Actually he wanted me to drive home (15 miles) get/buy some, then drive to his (10 miles the other way) and then back to hospital (which is now 25 miles away). During this time DD1 would be at hosptial on her own.

Am in being unreasonable to expect him to buy some provisions in emergencies like this? I am in reciept of benefits due to ill health - he is in receipt of benefits through packing his job in so he didnt have to pay csa. He still doesnt pay any maintenence. Clothes wise, she would have had a spare set in the changing bag, and i always made sure she had a couple of changes at ex's house. As there has now been no contact for over 3 month, i have got all those back before she grew out of them.

Secondly, and this is my main worry, the "providing he doesnt have prior arrangements". Now in the past, these prior arrangements have included nights out with friends, an appointment with a nurse which could have been changed (i saw the letter) etc etc etc. I soooooo wish i didnt have to rely on him to care for DD2, but DD1 gets really scared in hospital, and begs me to stay with her (she is 12 with mild SEN). When i spoke to my solicitor, she seemed as bemused as me as to him not understanding that i cant give him notice (it is an emergency admission) and that plans sometimes needs to be cancelled in times like these!

I cant see my solicitor until a week on Friday, so would really appreciate any advice?

Pee

I do think the right person to speak to is your solicitor, above all she has all the background.

Does he pay £5 a week maintenance? isn't that usual when the father is on benefits?

I have to say, expecting a father to buy some nappies for his daughter doesn't seem too unreasonable, esp seeing as you were in hospital at the time, miles away etc but then it doesn't sound like he is being reasonable. I would make sure there is enough in there for the five days. Presumably he is providing fodd for her, though?

Presumably it isn't an option for him to be with DD1?

jetcat

Pee wrote: »

I do think the right person to speak to is your solicitor, above all she has all the background.

Does he pay £5 a week maintenance? isn't that usual when the father is on benefits?

I have to say, expecting a father to buy some nappies for his daughter doesn't seem too unreasonable, esp seeing as you were in hospital at the time, miles away etc but then it doesn't sound like he is being reasonable. I would make sure there is enough in there for the five days. Presumably he is providing fodd for her, though?

Presumably it isn't an option for him to be with DD1?

Thanks Pee - DD1 doesnt want him anywhere near her! This is why is has come to having solicitors involved , as she was becoming distraught at the idea of any contact with him. I have reassured her that if and when she does decide she wants to see him she can, but until then, no one will force her - not me, not ex and not solicitors. My solicitor has also reassured her.

The last time she was in hospital i managed to persuade him to come and sit with DD1 for a few hours so i could go home with DD2 to do some washing etc. Went back, and DD1 was sitting crying. She was confined to bed, and they had bought a playstation round for her. Ex put the racing games on and he played them!

Re the maintenece, because he hasnt replied to a single letter from them, everything takes the maximum amount of time! I have been advised that my case has just been sent over to the benefits team, and they are about 10 weeks behind!

Re the food - he wanted some money off me to provide food for her.

I am feeling really frustrated with the whole thing. He has never paid maintenence (apart from private arrangement of £40 per month, for 4 month before he got fed up of that) - and DD1 is now 12! Why does he expect me to provide all the food, nappies etc for when they are at his?? (kind of know the answer to that though, its because i have done it in the past, when DD2 was really small and on tinned milk/tinned foods etc). That stopped about 18month ago, when i started feeling a little less controlled by him, and it is since then that all the recent troubles have started.

Pee

As wrong as it seems, I think that £5 is supposed to be adequate for you to be providing. I know, I know, not even the old style board could do that... I do hope someone comes along and tells me that I am wrong. However since he isn't yet paying the £5 and presumably it can't be backdated...

I thought it might be easier if he was the one with the child in a regulated environment, hadn't occured to me he might steal her toys!!! How old is DD2?

xmaslolly76

Ok this isnt very helpful but what a Jerk!!! he is moaning about buying nappies when his other daughter is ill in hospital no wonder she doesnt want anything to do with him.

I hope your daughter gets well soon and you can sort this sorry mess out xx

jetcat

thanks guys. DD1 is 12.

I also hope this can get sorted out, and i am not agreeing to any contact at all (mainly for little one) until it is. All he would shout at me was "you have 2 children you know!". I know i do, does he :mad:

whatatwit

Jet sorry to read of your troubles.

Just a thought...could you keep a stock of nappies in, i realise that you would have to build a stock up over time. But as long as you rotated your supply as DD needs a different size, then that would be one less thing for him to moan about and use as an excuse to shirk his responsibilities.

fernliebee

Shocking! I would buy a pack of nappies for a stranger if they told me this story, let alone someone I knew, never mind my own DD.

I can't quite believe someone could be that ignorant and selfish, but unfortunately having a friend in a similar situation, I realise that some 'parents' have absolutely no idea of their responsibilities!

I don't have any advice for you but I really hope you get this sorted out. Poor you!

*Louise*

What a horrible, selfish individual.

I am sorry to say I am shocked that this had to go via a solicitor to make arrangements to make hm take care of his child, and it beggars belief that he made such a fuss about having to buy a few nappies or food for his daughter!!

I do understand your predicament with regards to having no family nearby - do you really trust him to look after DD2 properly? Do you have any friends nearby who would happy to help out perhaps? I know I couldn't sit by and watch a friend or family member struggle like that.

barnaby-bear

fernliebee wrote: »

Shocking! I would buy a pack of nappies for a stranger if they told me this story, let alone someone I knew, never mind my own DD.

I can't quite believe someone could be that ignorant and selfish, but unfortunately having a friend in a similar situation, I realise that some 'parents' have absolutely no idea of their responsibilities!

I don't have any advice for you but I really hope you get this sorted out. Poor you!

I can see the OP complaint and understand it but assuming there is bad blood between the parents. There might in other similar circumstances be another side.
If the ex is on benefits he'll be getting £64 a week for everything while the OP gets all the child related support - having a child full time for a week will hit that budget hard, the OP is getting the benefits designated to pay for the nappies.
The formalisation of a childcare agreement in writing may be difficult in practice the father does seem to have taken care of the baby, he could have refused and nothing could force him. He seems to be agreeing in principle but how would you word it - how do you define an emergency - I'm not sure I could commit in writing to be available at all times in any event with the best of will. I don't think it would be unreasonable for the OP to pay the NRP the child benefit/tax for the second child if he has them and possibly doing this may formalise the agreement and make the responsibility lines clearer.

barnaby-bear

jetcat wrote: »

thanks guys. DD1 is 12.

I also hope this can get sorted out, and i am not agreeing to any contact at all (mainly for little one) until it is. All he would shout at me was "you have 2 children you know!". I know i do, does he :mad:

I'm slightly uncomfortable with this - I'm not sure access should be a weapon or a tool in argument. It can be thrown back in later years too.