Very, very worried about sister

Glen0000

My sister is 30. Up until 6 months ago she, or we all thought, was very happily married to a wonderful man, 2 lovely children aged 5 and 3. They had a nice house, holidays, 2 cars and she had a part time job. She has left him for a man twice her age who has 5 children, twice divorced and no job. My BIL and parents do help with the children, but she is drinking heavily and even started smoking. She quit her job and lives in a rented semi, claiming single parent benefits, but we suspect this man lives with her.

My wife has tried to talk to her, but she says she loves this man and never really loved her husband and is happy now. We don’t think the kids are being mistreated, but are worried about the heavy boozing. She is also started to dress very tartily and my friend who saw her out in a club a few weeks ago says she acts like a 17 yr old.


I am at my wits end as what to do, as are my parents. It is almost as if she has had a personality transplant. I do suspect metal illness, but cannot force her to the doctor.
She says if we don’t “butt out” and stop lecturing her she will stop us seeing the kids. Even the way she talks has changed.


Anyone dealt with this type of thing? What can we do.?

Sarahlou_2

Hi Glen.......we went through a sort of similar situation with my BIL. He left a lovely girlfriend 5 years ago, for what can only be described as a dog. She had three children (all different dads) and lived in a council house and sat on her bum all day. He soon packed his job in and moved in with her. Everyone was at their wits end. Even more so when they announced their wedding. My MIL actually cried when they took their vows as she was heartbroken. Some parts of the family have accepted her, I haven't as I can see straight through her.

They have since had a child together and BIL is still not working and they get every hand out going. No matter what we tell him he cannot see through this girl whatsoever. She's changed him completely.

Me and my OH have just said that if/when it all falls to pieces (ie she moves on to the next fella) we will offer him our support.

"Love" is blind at times, maybe it's a case of you being there if she needs you.
You sund like a good brother - you wouldn't be posting on here if you weren't.

celyn90

Only your sister and her estranged husband know if the marriage was a happy one, an outsider in any relationship is just that sadly and really won't know what goes on behind closed doors.

I think it is lovely that you are worried about her but quite honestly, I think the only thing you can do for her is be there. If she is happy then you need to let her be and if she isn't happy then you need to wait for her to be ready to admit that and help her pick up the bits if she needs you. If you pressure her then you will lose her. You might not like what you think she is becoming, but the only thing you can do is love her unconditionally and without judgement.

Glen0000

Thank you. My wife thinks we should play along. Oooh and ahh at the cheap ring he bought her from argos. Accept their "love". tell her we are very happy for her. I am not sure what to do for the best.

Very sad to hear others have had the same thing happen to loved ones.

Sarahlou_2

Yes it's hard Glen. It caused a few problems in the family. I completely blank her at any event which causes me and my OH to row as he believes I should try and get on with her - but she gets my back up.

Mind you , she calls me a stuck up cow so fairs fair I guess! LOL

brighterfuture_2

I agree with celyn90 know one knows what goes on behind close doors in others relationships.

The best thing that you can do for your sister is let her know that no matter what her decisions you are there for her. I know this may be hard but imagine how much more worried you'd feel should your relationship suffer if you try to impose your opinions upon her.

worriedsik

Sarahlou wrote: »

Hi Glen.......we went through a sort of similar situation with my BIL. He left a lovely girlfriend 5 years ago, for what can only be described as a dog. She had three children (all different dads) and lived in a council house and sat on her bum all day. He soon packed his job in and moved in with her. Everyone was at their wits end. Even more so when they announced their wedding. My MIL actually cried when they took their vows as she was heartbroken. Some parts of the family have accepted her, I haven't as I can see straight through her.

They have since had a child together and BIL is still not working and they get every hand out going. No matter what we tell him he cannot see through this girl whatsoever. She's changed him completely.

Me and my OH have just said that if/when it all falls to pieces (ie she moves on to the next fella) we will offer him our support.

"Love" is blind at times, maybe it's a case of you being there if she needs you.
You sund like a good brother - you wouldn't be posting on here if you weren't.

i would just like to point out that not everybody that lives in council houses are undesirables......sorry but that comment angered me iam sure you never meant what it reads like

Glamazon

my dad was always of the opinion that I should make my own decisions. He would be there for help and advice IF I needed it and would be there to help me pick up the pieces if I ever needed it. He has never judged me or any of my sisters on our decisions - for example, I am nearly 26 and am the first of my 6 sisters to get pregnant (I am in a loving relationship which I have been in for over 9 years). Recently my 19 year old sister has announced she is pg with a guy who is in his 40's and they've been together a few months. They both have crappy part-time jobs and no money. Me and OH have fantastic jobs and earn just over £50K between us.

We both got the same response - it's your life, if thats what you want then it's up to you.

I respect him so much for letting me get on with my life and not judging my decisions - Glen just make sure that she knows you will be there when she needs you. Trying to change her will only make her worse.

It's good that you care and are concerned but ultimately she'll do what she wants to do.

worriedsik

Glenoo
you just have to be there incase it all goes pearshaped , ,my daughter is with somebody at the moment whom i dont particularly like but iam keeping my thoughts to myself as i dont want to loose her.
iam off the thought that if i interfeer then it may push them closer together so hopefully she will see it for herself
i know she can do better but iam keeping quite and when/if & hopefully it all falls through i will be here for her and all you can do is the same

Glen0000

worriedsik wrote: »

i would just like to point out that not everybody that lives in council houses are undesirables......sorry but that comment angered me iam sure you never meant what it reads like

Yes, but a large percentage are, especially the lifetime workshy. I live in a council house myself and see chav scum all around me. The poster said the lady lived in a council house and both of them did not or had any desire to work. That is a big difference to a working family in a council house (of which their are few, 80% of my landlords tenants claim full housing benefit) and those "types" deserve their bad reputation.

If you live in a council house yourself, you must be blind not to see it or be very lucky.

worriedsik

Hi ... this is what the poster said...( He left a lovely girlfriend 5 years ago, for what can only be described as a dog. She had three children (all different dads) and lived in a council house and sat on her bum all day. ) nobody should generalise which type off people live in social/council housing.
I do live in a council house and i dont have any off the types you mention living near me .

I used to own my own house & i dont now and certainly didnt think i was better than anybody else when i did
Infact my house now backs on to a row off private houses and they actually think they are something else , so much so that they throw ciggy ends over my fence into my garden and look down on the ppl here who have council houses !!

the poster seems to imply that if you have a council house you will have children to diff men and sit on your !!! all day i think this can be said off anybody whether a home owner or not.
Iam sure there are the scum that you speak off but i resent being classed the same just because i have a council house