son wants to live with me

tomdickharry

Its a funny place to post, but it seems popular and better chance of a response,

i'm after some advice or if anyones had similar situations to mine.

i split with my wife around 6 years ago, we have 1 son, now aged 12.

luckily, we still get on fine and i used to see my son everyday until 3 years ago when ex decided to make a clean break move away to live with her new bloke (who is ok) taking son away from all his family and friends,

i have him every 2 or 3 weekends and school holidays and he's always hated going back,
but the past 6 months or so, he gets very upset, and getting worse everytime,

anyway,
things have just kicked off and he wants to come live with me and he's told his mum, and naturally she's very upset too,
i want him to come live with me, and before you think i'm biased,
i do think he'd be better with me,
he has his own space here along with his old family&friends,
my G/F treats him like her own and her daughter is the same age and they like the same stuff ,apart from music!!!!!!!! and is always happy here.
Yeah, he gets spoiled and i have told him if he did come live with me, that it would change and i think he understands that.

he's made a few where he is, but no "best mates"
he shares a bedroom with a 17 year old who he doesn't get on with, constantly been woke up late at night,
and since starting comp, his school work is poor and complains of being bullied,
not been hit, but teased, he can be quite sensitive.

all in all, he's not settled there and after 3 years i cant see ever will.

i dont want go to the extreme of courts as i dont think it'll benefit anyone,
but how long do i give it?
and will they take my sons wishes seriously enough,
as on paper, his current home is ok,
he's in no physical danger,
and gets looked after fine, its his mental state im worried over.

can i just add, my ex has never done anything wrong and done everything thinking she's doing the best for them, i do feel sorry for her,
but she tough enough to cope,
my son isn't!

ailuro2

arrange for him to come stay full time over the summer holidays so he can see what it's like to have stricter rules,

and stop spoiling him when he comes to visit, it makes it harder for him when he goes home!

If his parents are both reasonable people, then together you can BOTH agree what's best for your son.

sassygirl_2

I think at the age of 12 he is plenty old enough to make his own choices. My son went to love with his dad at the age of 3! I think if you and your ex get along ok, then maybe you could try it on a trial basis, say 6 months and then if all goes well, you should look to getting a residential order.

Good luck with it all and hope it all turns out well

nickyhutch

You and his Mum should let him give it a go for a trial, as others have said. He's plenty old enough to give his input on important choices such as this. But stop spoiling him! What does Mum say, other than being upset? Has she sai "No" out and out?

Emmzi

I agree. Trial period of 2 months where you aren't spoiling him. That takes him into school holidays which is a better time to discuss moving. For now, head down and get on with school.

tomdickharry

well obviously she's upset and dont want him to leave, she'll do all she can to keep him,
and ive told him not to be pressured into anything be either sideof his family

as for spoiling him, i dont mean to great exstents,
football, pitch n put, takeaways etc.
but we do that when he's not here anyway, so its normal to us,
his grandad does, but you try telling him to stop!
as for the 6 weeks holidays, its hard to be strict in the manner i assume you mean,
i.e homework and early to bed because there isn't any school.
we always have proper dinners, so its not constant junk food.
plus even on a trial, he cant keep swapping schools

MrsTinks

My parents let me choose where I wanted to live most of my life (they split when I was about 4/5 and as soon as I was old enough to decide it was my choice...) and the one thing I will say is... to a 12 year old the grass is always greener on the otherside... Especially if you are "spoiling" him when he comes to stay. Stop the spoiling and speak to his mum... say that obviously you'd be thrilled to have him come stay with you but being realistic this could just be a bit of rebellion - I know I had these at that age If I didn't get what I wanted or thought I was hard done by the standard phrase for about 3 months was "FINE! I'll move back to dads!!!" and my mums was "No problem, you know where the suitcase is..."
I didn't move back btw
If you think he's serious then speak to his mum and discuss the possibility of him coming down to stay with you under the rules he'd normally have to live under if he was there full time and if she'd be willing for him to move down permanently. Try to avoid the 6 month trial period because it's honestly going to disrupt his schooling too much. Move him at the end of the year, not in the middle or towards the end of it (She says having frequented 8 schools....) as it's just really disruptive.

liney

If "spoiling him" are things you do anyway, and they would stay the same if he moved in i don't see why you need to change that. Grandparents are programmed to spoil children, and good luck with stopping them - if it's the odd fiver when he visits then open him a bank account and encourage him to start saving!

How far away do they live now? I assume it would not b feasable to keep him at his current school while you had a trail run? But if he's being bullied there then changing schools may be a big reason for moving back to you anyway so maybe thats not a bad thing. Infact would the option of changing schools, but living with his Mother appeal to him? He may not have thought that an option.

A 12 i think he's old enough to understand the impact of his descisions and that he cant skip between parents as his education will suffer. Let him make a choice and stick with it.

tomdickharry

we live too far apart to keep in same school, 2 hours drive eachway.
it was said about swapping where he lives now, but my son wasn't interested in that.
he just wants to move back, if it for the best, who knows?

his mum says try and make it better there, anything could change,
which is true.
but it could also just stay the same, my gut feeling it will.

but if he was allowed to move here, then i must start making plans sooner rather than later.
they suggest giving it until july and take it from there,
but i'm not too sure on the time scale when to apply for a school,
can this be done in the holidays?
i do know she got him sorted down there well before they moved 3 years ago,
also my G/F daughter had to appeal to get in our nearest school when we moved 3 months ago,
which brings on another situation,
does me only just moved into this home count against me?
ive just moved back to the village i'm from and where my son was brought up for several years,
i have no intention of moving again as we came back to keep an eye on my dad who is disabled, and well, its my home town!

TeetersOnHeels

My friend moved with her son to the village I'm in and had little difficulty getting him in school. The local comp is a good one, but each area differs in criteria for kids attending schools of their choice. It may be a plus point that he will also have a step sister at the same school? Could you try making tentative enquires with either the school or local education authority, telling them what may happen come the summer?

Bargain_Rzl

No advice from here, but can I just say that you and your ex both sound like refreshingly reasonable and considerate adults It makes a nice change from a lot of the stories you read on here...