Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • titchiban98
    • By titchiban98 7th Feb 18, 11:31 AM
    • 8Posts
    • 7Thanks
    titchiban98
    Domestic abuse - Need to end tenancy early?
    • #1
    • 7th Feb 18, 11:31 AM
    Domestic abuse - Need to end tenancy early? 7th Feb 18 at 11:31 AM
    Hello, please help.
    I am 13 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks ago me and my partner started renting a house together. We signed a 12 month tenancy agreement as joint tenants, since weíve moved in my partner has been very abusive towards me emotionally and physically and itís getting unbearable.
    He keeps threatening on an almost daily basis that heís going to move away to his parents (half way across the country) and not come back or pay any money towards the rent but I absolutely cannot afford to pay all the bills and rent on my own so obviously the thought of this is very distressing as I would be stuck paying the entirety of the rent aswell as all the bills whilst stuck in a house I donít even want to be in anymore if he did do that and I simply donít have the money.
    This is incredibly stressful for me and I just donít know what to do, I canít be left paying £500 rent on my own for the next 12 months whilst heís off living the high life getting away with paying squat and then when the baby does come my financial situation will be a complete mess and Iíll be all on my own.
    I want to end the tenancy and move back to my parents until I can afford to live on my own but I donít know how to go about this.
    Please someone help, what can I do?
Page 2
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Feb 18, 2:03 PM
    • 1,260 Posts
    • 1,536 Thanks
    NeilCr
    They put it on a time out.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    Which is rather a good starting point.
    • l0islane
    • By l0islane 7th Feb 18, 2:05 PM
    • 10 Posts
    • 20 Thanks
    l0islane
    Coercive control is a crime, there doesn't have to have been physical violence for the police to become involved. That being said the response of police to domestic abuse varies considerably and I would not rely on them solely to ensure your safety. Please contact the Women's Aid helpline they will talk through the details of your situation and help you form a safety plan. Abuse often escalates during pregnancy and immediately before and after attempts to leave so this is a particularly dangerous time. There are other housing options - a refuge is one option. In some situations of domestic abuse the law allows you to claim housing benefit on two properties for a temporary period in order to sort out these kinds of difficulties.

    The Rights of Women website offers good fact-sheets about housing and domestic abuse (I can't post links):

    rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/guide-to-domestic-violence-housing-and-homelessness.pdf[/url]

    I work in the DV sector, please contact the Women's Aid helpline, they will listen to you, believe you, discuss your options and help you form a plan.

    0808 2000 247
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Feb 18, 2:06 PM
    • 2,353 Posts
    • 2,233 Thanks
    Comms69
    Which is rather a good starting point.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Honestly I'm not disputing it, it's just not what came across from the OP.


    I have no vested interest, abusers should be punished, but victims should be listened to, too.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Feb 18, 2:07 PM
    • 2,353 Posts
    • 2,233 Thanks
    Comms69
    Coercive control is a crime, there doesn't have to have been physical violence for the police to become involved. That being said the response of police to domestic abuse varies considerably and I would not rely on them solely to ensure your safety. Please contact the Women's Aid helpline they will talk through the details of your situation and help you form a safety plan. Abuse often escalates during pregnancy and immediately before and after attempts to leave so this is a particularly dangerous time. There are other housing options - a refuge is one option. In some situations of domestic abuse the law allows you to claim housing benefit on two properties for a temporary period in order to sort out these kinds of difficulties.

    The Rights of Women website offers good fact-sheets about housing and domestic abuse (I can't post links):

    rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/guide-to-domestic-violence-housing-and-homelessness.pdf[/url]

    I work in the DV sector, please contact the Women's Aid helpline, they will listen to you, believe you, discuss your options and help you form a plan.

    0808 2000 247
    Originally posted by l0islane


    It's the partner who seems to want to leave.
    • l0islane
    • By l0islane 7th Feb 18, 2:10 PM
    • 10 Posts
    • 20 Thanks
    l0islane
    It's the partner who seems to want to leave.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    She said it's unbearable and she wants to go back and live with her parents, but if she wants to stay then absolutely that is her decision but that is not the impression she gave in her message. Women's Aid can discuss options with her for staying or leaving.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Feb 18, 2:12 PM
    • 2,353 Posts
    • 2,233 Thanks
    Comms69
    She said it's unbearable and she wants to go back and live with her parents, but if she wants to stay then absolutely that is her decision but that is not the impression she gave in her message. Women's Aid can discuss options with her for staying or leaving.
    Originally posted by l0islane


    Indeed, poor kid. The whole thing sounds like a nightmare
    • tara747
    • By tara747 7th Feb 18, 2:15 PM
    • 10,123 Posts
    • 26,704 Thanks
    tara747
    It's the partner who seems to want to leave.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    The partner is *threatening* to leave. That's classic abuser behaviour. He won't actually leave, he'll just undermine and gaslight and torment her until (hopefully) she does.
    Get to 119lbs! 1/2/09: 135.6lbs 1/5/11: 145.8lbs 30/3/13 150lbs 22/2/14 137lbs 2/6/14 128lbs 29/8/14 124lbs 2/6/17 126lbs
    Save £132,000 by 31 Dec 2018! 2011: £54,342 * 2012: £62,200 * 2013: £74,127 * 2014: £84,839 * 2015: £95,207 * 2016: £109,122 * 2017: £121,733
    eBay sales - £4,559.89 Cashback - £2,309.73
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Feb 18, 2:19 PM
    • 2,353 Posts
    • 2,233 Thanks
    Comms69
    The partner is *threatening* to leave. That's classic abuser behaviour. He won't actually leave, he'll just undermine and gaslight and torment her until (hopefully) she does.
    Originally posted by tara747

    It's also classic victim behaviour, and no I'm not calling him a victim - I'm saying there isn't enough information.


    Him saying I'm moving back to live with my parents is no different to her saying it.


    Before the guy is crucified, perhaps we need more information.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Feb 18, 3:27 PM
    • 1,260 Posts
    • 1,536 Thanks
    NeilCr


    Before the guy is crucified, perhaps we need more information.
    Originally posted by Comms69

    I am not sure what more information than he has verbally and physically abused her to the point that she says it is unbearable you need.

    OP if you are still reading this thread. You have had (extremely good) advice from someone who actually works in the DV sector. Please listen to them.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 7th Feb 18, 3:39 PM
    • 2,336 Posts
    • 6,455 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel


    (being 13 weeks pregnant is in reality not very different to not being at all pregnant, in terms of physical capacity)
    Originally posted by Comms69
    Another DV thread, another predictable attempt by Guest101 to downplay the reality of DV.

    Did you know Guest that pregnancy is often the trigger for athe beginning of or worsening of abuse and that women who are abused while pregnant are at an increased risk of being murdered by their partner?

    https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/domestic-abuse-pregnant/

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12100800

    OP, leave now.
    • jayII
    • By jayII 7th Feb 18, 3:46 PM
    • 40,000 Posts
    • 106,899 Thanks
    jayII
    The police can only prevent immediate violence, or prosecute previous violence. They aren't social services or DWP.


    Yes the OP said there was physical abuse and yes that should be punished. But that can happen afterwards.


    The reality is, if she calls the police, he'll most likely be arrested and bailed to not live there. Which is what the OP wants to avoid at the minute


    (being 13 weeks pregnant is in reality not very different to not being at all pregnant, in terms of physical capacity)
    Originally posted by Comms69
    That can be the case, but pregnancy also makes you feel and move differently because your first instinct is usually to protect the foetus. At 13 weeks some women are also pretty unwell with 'morning sickness', so may not be as alert and clear-headed as they would otherwise be.

    That's if you ignore the fact that a physical assault can cause miscarriage or other harm to the foetus.

    You seem to be minimising the danger that the OP may be in if her partner has become violent. Without being overly dramatic, it is very common for domestic violence by a partner to escalate rapidly both when a woman becomes pregnant and when she makes firm plans to leave the abuser.

    It might all be exaggeration on the OP's part, but if it isn't, she needs to get herself to a safe situation, as soon as possible.
    Total unsecured debt paid off/stoozed in 2018: (£881+33+500)= £1414/£12490.
    Slimming Through The Winter - Slimming World Support Thread #1 2018: 0/8lbs

    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Feb 18, 3:48 PM
    • 2,353 Posts
    • 2,233 Thanks
    Comms69
    I am not sure what more information than he has verbally and physically abused her to the point that she says it is unbearable you need.

    OP if you are still reading this thread. You have had (extremely good) advice from someone who actually works in the DV sector. Please listen to them.
    Originally posted by NeilCr

    How about asking what the OP wants to happen? Does she want to keep the baby? Fix the relationship? Have a clean break?


    How about listening to the person (or actually both people) in the relationship.

    Another DV thread, another predictable attempt by Guest101 to downplay the reality of DV.

    Did you know Guest that pregnancy is often the trigger for athe beginning of or worsening of abuse and that women who are abused while pregnant are at an increased risk of being murdered by their partner?

    https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/domestic-abuse-pregnant/

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12100800

    OP, leave now.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    Instead of just dismissing every time I post and making all sorts of claims about my views on DV, why not actually read what I said.


    Not all victims of DV WANT to leave, some want to solve the problems. All I've said is that the OP should contact shelter and women's aid - what on earth is wrong with that??
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Feb 18, 3:52 PM
    • 2,353 Posts
    • 2,233 Thanks
    Comms69
    That can be the case, but pregnancy also makes you feel and move differently because your first instinct is usually to protect the foetus. At 13 weeks some women are also pretty unwell with 'morning sickness', so may not be as alert and clear-headed as they would otherwise be.

    That's if you ignore the fact that a physical assault can cause miscarriage or other harm to the foetus.

    You seem to be minimising the danger that the OP may be in if her partner has become violent. Without being overly dramatic, it is very common for domestic violence by a partner to escalate rapidly both when a woman becomes pregnant and when she makes firm plans to leave the abuser.

    It might all be exaggeration on the OP's part, but if it isn't, she needs to get herself to a safe situation, as soon as possible.
    Originally posted by jayII
    No, I said contact womens aid and shelter.


    I am just pointing out that the police are not there to help the victim, they wont make life easier (especially since the primary concern is about paying the rent etc)


    I said contact the police if you are in immediate danger.


    I said look up which benefits the Op could get if she does go it alone.


    I asked if she wanted to keep the baby.


    You tell me which of those bits is wrong. It seems as soon as anyone remotely questions a DV claim they are automatically an abuse denier and trying to derail the whole discussion/situation.


    It's as misguided as the police victims charter. The police are not social workers, nor relationship counsellors. They are there to prevent harm and investigate crime.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Feb 18, 3:57 PM
    • 1,260 Posts
    • 1,536 Thanks
    NeilCr
    How about asking what the OP wants to happen? Does she want to keep the baby? Fix the relationship? Have a clean break?


    How about listening to the person (or actually both people) in the relationship.

    Originally posted by Comms69
    My response was to your post about ďbefore crucifying the partnerĒ

    Nice bit of twisting and -as ever - wanting the last word.

    Perhaps, you can tell us what your actual experience and knowledge of DV is so that the OP can contrast it with that of 10islane who has made such excellent posts. I think that would be very helpful to her.

    For clarity - I have some contact with DV victims and organisations from my volunteering role. My partner worked in a DV organisation some while back -and I have a close friend who volunteered for a local DV charity
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Feb 18, 4:04 PM
    • 2,353 Posts
    • 2,233 Thanks
    Comms69
    My response was to your post about ďbefore crucifying the partnerĒ

    Nice bit of twisting and -as ever - wanting the last word.

    Perhaps, you can tell us what your actual experience and knowledge of DV is so that the OP can contrast it with that of 10islane who has made such excellent posts. I think that would be very helpful to her.

    For clarity - I have some contact with DV victims and organisations from my volunteering role. My partner worked in a DV organisation some while back -and I have a close friend who volunteered for a local DV charity
    Originally posted by NeilCr


    Why do I need experience of DV? - when you say knowledge I presume you mean qualification. Knowledge is something gained. If you have an issue with what I'm saying by all means challenge it.


    So in your professional capacity (or semi professional) you should know that finding out more information is the FIRST thing that any DV organisation does. You cannot advise based upon a scattergun approach.


    Before crucifying the partner? Because there's two sides to every story, and people tend to avoid any self implication. Regardless of what you imagine is the case, unless you ask and find out, you wont know.


    That's the crucial aspect.


    Abuse is horrible and should be tackled, but it should not be guilty until proven otherwise, same as anything else.
    • Penitent
    • By Penitent 7th Feb 18, 4:14 PM
    • 1,991 Posts
    • 6,032 Thanks
    Penitent
    This forum is not a Court, it's a place where someone can describe their circumstances and ask for help. By insisting that we need to hear their partner's side of things, you risk making the OP feel like a liar/that they'll never be believed, which may cause them to disengage from the forum and from whatever other help they may have chosen to access. Please stop.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Feb 18, 4:16 PM
    • 1,260 Posts
    • 1,536 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Why do I need experience of DV? - when you say knowledge I presume you mean qualification. Knowledge is something gained. If you have an issue with what I'm saying by all means challenge it.


    So in your professional capacity (or semi professional) you should know that finding out more information is the FIRST thing that any DV organisation does. You cannot advise based upon a scattergun approach.


    Before crucifying the partner? Because there's two sides to every story, and people tend to avoid any self implication. Regardless of what you imagine is the case, unless you ask and find out, you wont know.


    That's the crucial aspect.


    Abuse is horrible and should be tackled, but it should not be guilty until proven otherwise, same as anything else.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    So. No experience or knowledge then.

    In most instances like this (and it happens face to face) you will only get one side of the story. You take that at face value while retaining awareness that you may not be getting the complete picture. And that is what you have to initially act and advise on. For all anyone knows, as has been suggested, the OP may be exaggerating. We will probably never know as it is highly unlikely that her partner is going to come on here to give his side.

    So - particularly in cases of DV - I assume that it is the truth and advise accordingly. Even if it so that the OP is not telling the truth then someone else may read this thread and be moved to act as they are suffering from DV. I would rather that than the alternative.

    And, now, I am out of this thread because this bickering is not helping. Once more, OP, read the posts by 10islane and I hope things work out for you.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Feb 18, 4:25 PM
    • 2,353 Posts
    • 2,233 Thanks
    Comms69
    This forum is not a Court, it's a place where someone can describe their circumstances and ask for help. By insisting that we need to hear their partner's side of things, you risk making the OP feel like a liar/that they'll never be believed, which may cause them to disengage from the forum and from whatever other help they may have chosen to access. Please stop.
    Originally posted by Penitent
    I'm not saying that. Im just saying that this is someone's life, someone with another life inside of them. They need to make the best choice for themselves.


    I don't particularly care about the partners side of things, but there is another side to the story, that cannot be dismissed.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Feb 18, 4:32 PM
    • 2,353 Posts
    • 2,233 Thanks
    Comms69
    So. No experience or knowledge then. - You're wrong on both fronts, but that's not the point. Neither experience nor a qualification is a requirement for knowledge.

    In most instances like this (and it happens face to face) you will only get one side of the story. You take that at face value while retaining awareness that you may not be getting the complete picture. And that is what you have to initially act and advise on. For all anyone knows, as has been suggested, the OP may be exaggerating. We will probably never know as it is highly unlikely that her partner is going to come on here to give his side. - indeed and I agree.

    So - particularly in cases of DV - I assume that it is the truth and advise accordingly. Even if it so that the OP is not telling the truth then someone else may read this thread and be moved to act as they are suffering from DV. I would rather that than the alternative. - fair enough

    And, now, I am out of this thread because this bickering is not helping. Once more, OP, read the posts by 10islane and I hope things work out for you.
    Originally posted by NeilCr

    I think we can agree the OP should contact the professionals to get tailored advice.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 7th Feb 18, 5:00 PM
    • 16,430 Posts
    • 40,794 Thanks
    FBaby
    Amazing how some thread can degenerate into discussions of drastic actions based on a couple of words.

    We have no idea whatsoever that serious abuse is taking place. For all we know, OP pushed her partner, he pushed her back and told her that if she ever did this again, he would go back to his place for good and leave her and baby of their own, and OP calls this physical and emotionally abusive.

    Why not stick to the reason why OP posted here and not elsewhere, ie. what are the repercussions of him leaving and stopping paying any rent.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

178Posts Today

1,480Users online

Martin's Twitter