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  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 300Posts
    • 204Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 2
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 31st Jan 18, 4:35 PM
    • 1,018 Posts
    • 1,864 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Today I went to see him, it doesn't look like him. He's so cold
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    I know some people find comfort in seeing the deceased but I had always felt much like you, right from being a child and seeing my father who I just didn't recognise. I'm not sure if I would do it again.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 31st Jan 18, 5:37 PM
    • 17,092 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    I know some people find comfort in seeing the deceased but I had always felt much like you, right from being a child and seeing my father who I just didn't recognise. I'm not sure if I would do it again.
    Originally posted by thepurplepixie
    Don't get me wrong, it felt right to see him, but the essence of him wasn't there. I told him about all the lovely things people have been saying. Today I saw my GP and get something to help me sleep
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 31st Jan 18, 6:03 PM
    • 23,461 Posts
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    pollypenny
    Oh, Torrey, you poor thing.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 31st Jan 18, 6:23 PM
    • 1,018 Posts
    • 1,864 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Don't get me wrong, it felt right to see him, but the essence of him wasn't there. I told him about all the lovely things people have been saying. Today I saw my GP and get something to help me sleep
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    I know what you mean, it just isn't them anymore. I hope you get some sleep.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 31st Jan 18, 10:41 PM
    • 38,057 Posts
    • 34,556 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    Don't get me wrong, it felt right to see him, but the essence of him wasn't there.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    I don't know if this will help, but just because his essence wasn't 'there' doesn't mean it's left you - it just wasn't 'there'.

    I told him about all the lovely things people have been saying.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    That's what I mean, you can still talk to him, and don't let ANYONE tell you that shouldn't continue for as long as you find it helpful and comforting. I'm sure too you will sometimes hear or feel him talking back!

    Today I saw my GP and get something to help me sleep
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Short term I'm sure that's very helpful. The other thing I'd say is that if you need to take a nap during the day, there's nothing wrong with that either. It's like the eating, you may not feel like it, but little bits is the way to go.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats and 1 balaclava for seamen ...
    Current projects: another balaclava, must find a mohair cardigan pattern ...
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 31st Jan 18, 10:46 PM
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    Torry Quine
    I don't know if this will help, but just because his essence wasn't 'there' doesn't mean it's left you - it just wasn't 'there'.

    That's what I mean, you can still talk to him, and don't let ANYONE tell you that shouldn't continue for as long as you find it helpful and comforting. I'm sure too you will sometimes hear or feel him talking back!

    Short term I'm sure that's very helpful. The other thing I'd say is that if you need to take a nap during the day, there's nothing wrong with that either. It's like the eating, you may not feel like it, but little bits is the way to go.
    Originally posted by Savvy_Sue
    Thanks. He would be so surprised at what people have said. He is very highly though of. I know he would say I trust you to make the right decisions but it just feels so wrong
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • kittie
    • By kittie 1st Feb 18, 8:23 AM
    • 11,357 Posts
    • 69,685 Thanks
    kittie
    Today I went to see him, it doesn't look like him. He's so cold
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Torry, I first saw my husband when the policeman had got me to the hospital, he had not been attended to by the funeral directors. Then I went to see him in the funeral parlour a few days later and he looked so much better, cold yes and still yes but it helped me to make that separation transition from sudden to more gentle. I left a letter with him

    I think, having been through it as a sudden death, like you, that the second viewing was the one that calmed my soul. The first one was a shock. I recommend another viewing, you will know what to expect and that will take the sharp edge away
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 1st Feb 18, 8:33 AM
    • 30,142 Posts
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    seven-day-weekend
    I know some people find comfort in seeing the deceased but I had always felt much like you, right from being a child and seeing my father who I just didn't recognise. I'm not sure if I would do it again.
    Originally posted by thepurplepixie
    I have never gone to see anyone I know who has died, for this reason; however it is a very personal thing and as you say, some people get great comfort from it.

    I am thinking of you Torry, at this awful time, do try to eat and get some sleep and don't be afraid to reach out to others if that will help.
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 01-02-2018 at 8:35 AM.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 1st Feb 18, 6:10 PM
    • 1,018 Posts
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    thepurplepixie
    Culture comes into it, some cultures feel it is very important to see the deceased and to have an open coffin at the funeral service. I've been to one where people queued up to kiss the deceased.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 1st Feb 18, 6:51 PM
    • 30,142 Posts
    • 56,640 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Culture comes into it, some cultures feel it is very important to see the deceased and to have an open coffin at the funeral service. I've been to one where people queued up to kiss the deceased.
    Originally posted by thepurplepixie
    Me too, when I lived in Spain I queued up to kiss my deceased neighbour Emilio, who was in the front room of his house in his coffin.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 1st Feb 18, 7:45 PM
    • 1,018 Posts
    • 1,864 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    You're braver than me, or maybe you were closer to the deceased. I lit a candle while the kissing was going on. My BIL was devestated when his young cousin died in a plane crash and they had to have a closed coffin. Sorry derailing things.

    Hope you are getting some rest Torry.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 1st Feb 18, 9:42 PM
    • 17,092 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    I'm just waiting for my friend who is staying at mine tonight. I don't know how to get through tomorrow, it can't be real. My aunt is unwell and may not be able to come.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 2nd Feb 18, 6:06 PM
    • 1,018 Posts
    • 1,864 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Good that you have a friend coming, I hope that will be a comfort.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 2nd Feb 18, 6:40 PM
    • 17,092 Posts
    • 26,311 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Good that you have a friend coming, I hope that will be a comfort.
    Originally posted by thepurplepixie
    That was posted yesterday.

    The funeral went well I think, it still feels very unreal
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 2nd Feb 18, 8:03 PM
    • 1,018 Posts
    • 1,864 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    That was posted yesterday.

    The funeral went well I think, it still feels very unreal
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Sorry Torry, I lost a day somewhere! I'm glad it all went well, is your friend staying tonight?
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 2nd Feb 18, 8:11 PM
    • 17,092 Posts
    • 26,311 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Sorry Torry, I lost a day somewhere! I'm glad it all went well, is your friend staying tonight?
    Originally posted by thepurplepixie
    A different friend is. I'm exhausted.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 2nd Feb 18, 8:15 PM
    • 966 Posts
    • 1,889 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    That was posted yesterday.

    The funeral went well I think, it still feels very unreal
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Take care of yourself Torry.

    I tried to send you a pm but your message box is full.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 2nd Feb 18, 8:17 PM
    • 17,092 Posts
    • 26,311 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Take care of yourself Torry.

    I tried to send you a pm but your message box is full.
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    Thanks have deleted messages.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • wort
    • By wort 5th Feb 18, 6:03 PM
    • 552 Posts
    • 8,563 Thanks
    wort
    Torry ,I've been thinking of you, it's a relief to get the funeral over. It will feel unreal for a long time. It's just 7 months for me and it still feels I'm in someone else's life.
    I was sleeping by hubby's hospital bed ,and woke suddenly to find him dead, his face was cold his body still warm, I spent a while with him whilst my daughters etc came, and his brothers saw him in the mortuary. I had seen my parents in the funeral home and didn't feel it looked like them, and found it took a long time to rid myself of the image. So I didn't see him again, and had a closed casket at the funeral parlour.
    As others mentioned give yourself time to relax ,and do think of counselling.
    Take care.x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 5th Feb 18, 6:21 PM
    • 17,092 Posts
    • 26,311 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Torry ,I've been thinking of you, it's a relief to get the funeral over. It will feel unreal for a long time. It's just 7 months for me and it still feels I'm in someone else's life.
    I was sleeping by hubby's hospital bed ,and woke suddenly to find him dead, his face was cold his body still warm, I spent a while with him whilst my daughters etc came, and his brothers saw him in the mortuary. I had seen my parents in the funeral home and didn't feel it looked like them, and found it took a long time to rid myself of the image. So I didn't see him again, and had a closed casket at the funeral parlour.
    As others mentioned give yourself time to relax ,and do think of counselling.
    Take care.x
    Originally posted by wort
    Thanks. Seeing him in the funeral home means that I have that image rather than when I found him gone. It doesn't feel a relief to have the funeral passed, it feels wrong. I'm struggling to do anything but people keep telling me I need to get a routine. I'm definitely going to get counseling at the local cancer support centre.

    How are you doing?
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
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