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  • FIRST POST
    • alexandra_92
    • By alexandra_92 11th Jan 18, 11:14 AM
    • 7Posts
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    alexandra_92
    Boyfriend asks for 50% interest of mortgage and 50% bills
    • #1
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:14 AM
    Boyfriend asks for 50% interest of mortgage and 50% bills 11th Jan 18 at 11:14 AM
    Hi all,
    I am in a tough situation. I am from Viet Nam and have a European boyfriend for 4 years now, 2 years ago I decided to move from Viet Nam to his country ( I was just graduated from university when I came- so no saving ). Soon after I came ( 1,5 months later), I found a job as waitress in a restaurant and I worked there for 7 months, the income from the job allowed me to afford my driving lessons ( cost 2200 Eur in total) and buying a 2nd car. After 7 months working there, I was able to find a better job with better pay. We have been shared the household cost since I have job, increasing by time due to my increasing income. However, there are several times he claims that I am using him and that he couldn't save as much when he was single since I live here ( He has a mortgage - not so high and he is the owner of the house ). Currently we have a shared bank account and every month we put 55-45 ( he earns roughly 35% more than me) for : gas, water, electricity and other shared bills, and every month I transfer for him 20% of the mortgage to him.
    Now he wants me to contribute more, he said if I rent outside it would cost more, but to me its unacceptable to hear that, he suggested me to split 50/50 the interest of the house, which will be equal to 35% of the total mortgage, but I do not have stake and will not get anything if we break up. And per year he is able to get tax refund for the house ( around 20-22% of the annual mortgage) but I wont get anything from it
    Do you guys have experience with the same situation, and what would you do? Is it fair like if I do this? Thank you fore your time
Page 1
    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 11th Jan 18, 11:21 AM
    • 11,139 Posts
    • 6,357 Thanks
    DUTR
    • #2
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:21 AM
    • #2
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:21 AM
    Probably logical is to get your own place and just continue the relationship from seperate abodes, that way if you both don't make it, there are fewer complications to resolve.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 11th Jan 18, 11:39 AM
    • 1,798 Posts
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    Comms69
    • #3
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:39 AM
    • #3
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:39 AM
    Hi all,
    I am in a tough situation. I am from Viet Nam and have a European boyfriend for 4 years now, 2 years ago I decided to move from Viet Nam to his country ( I was just graduated from university when I came- so no saving ). Soon after I came ( 1,5 months later), I found a job as waitress in a restaurant and I worked there for 7 months, the income from the job allowed me to afford my driving lessons ( cost 2200 Eur in total) and buying a 2nd car. After 7 months working there, I was able to find a better job with better pay. We have been shared the household cost since I have job, increasing by time due to my increasing income. However, there are several times he claims that I am using him and that he couldn't save as much when he was single since I live here ( He has a mortgage - not so high and he is the owner of the house ). Currently we have a shared bank account and every month we put 55-45 ( he earns roughly 35% more than me) for : gas, water, electricity and other shared bills, and every month I transfer for him 20% of the mortgage to him.
    Now he wants me to contribute more, he said if I rent outside it would cost more, but to me its unacceptable to hear that, he suggested me to split 50/50 the interest of the house, which will be equal to 35% of the total mortgage, but I do not have stake and will not get anything if we break up. And per year he is able to get tax refund for the house ( around 20-22% of the annual mortgage) but I wont get anything from it
    Do you guys have experience with the same situation, and what would you do? Is it fair like if I do this? Thank you fore your time
    Originally posted by alexandra_92
    Which country are you in? The problem is that each has it's own rules on ownership, rights etc.
    • SuperPikachu
    • By SuperPikachu 11th Jan 18, 11:48 AM
    • 118 Posts
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    SuperPikachu
    • #4
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:48 AM
    • #4
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:48 AM
    Why does he think you are using him? Strange allegation for your partner to make - did you meet online and he has insecurities?
    "Wild Pikachu appeared!"
    • alexandra_92
    • By alexandra_92 11th Jan 18, 11:55 AM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alexandra_92
    • #5
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:55 AM
    • #5
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:55 AM
    I'm living in Holland now
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 11th Jan 18, 11:57 AM
    • 1,798 Posts
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    Comms69
    • #6
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:57 AM
    • #6
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:57 AM
    I'm living in Holland now
    Originally posted by alexandra_92
    I think unfortunately you are unlikely to find anyone with experience of the legal system there, which would provide you rights for what we call a beneficial interest etc.


    Now all that said, if you change the title of your thread (ask the MSE team) to include Holland you may get lucky.


    goodluck
    • alexandra_92
    • By alexandra_92 11th Jan 18, 11:58 AM
    • 7 Posts
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    alexandra_92
    • #7
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:58 AM
    • #7
    • 11th Jan 18, 11:58 AM
    Just for your information, he is my sponsor on paper ( I came here as partner of a Dutch citizen), and the rule is within 3 years we have to stay together, otherwise I wont be able to sponsor my own. And yes, we met online 4 years ago but has spent 3 years living together in total
    • Kim_13
    • By Kim_13 11th Jan 18, 12:10 PM
    • 1,688 Posts
    • 1,916 Thanks
    Kim_13
    • #8
    • 11th Jan 18, 12:10 PM
    • #8
    • 11th Jan 18, 12:10 PM
    Hi alexandra_92

    You are able to add Holland into the thread title by editing your first post if you wish.
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    • alexandra_92
    • By alexandra_92 11th Jan 18, 1:01 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alexandra_92
    • #9
    • 11th Jan 18, 1:01 PM
    • #9
    • 11th Jan 18, 1:01 PM
    Hi alexandra_92

    You are able to add Holland into the thread title by editing your first post if you wish.
    Originally posted by Kim_13
    Hi thank s you all for your kind opinions. Just to clear the situation a bit, my bf has the house for about 3 years now and he has invested 50k eur in renovating the house and furnished it. Since we live together, we share everything that are shared cost ( including grocery), car and taxes/ insurances that are personal cost we paid from our own account. His netto salary is 35% more than my netto, however he has the car from company and is allowed to use privately. I also do not get it why he is so frustrating about my existence of me in the house although I do feed myself and dont use any money from him. It's a very stressful situation when now and then I am suddenly being a burden and being accused that i has been taking advantage of him.
    Recently I asked him to be honest with his feeling and tell me why he offended me, he said it doesnt feel right when I am able to save a lot and he couldn't ( I get pay overtime and I work about 45-50 hours a week - he has a fixed contract for 37 hours a week, I really watch my money and do not have friends nearby, so I barely go out with friends).
    Our relationship has been stuck in the middle of nowhere and is not able to grow stronger, there are language barrier, cultural differences between us and most important thinking in 2 complete different ways, I am frustrating too when I can not explain for him to understand and it has been going in a circle for a long time
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 11th Jan 18, 1:11 PM
    • 5,528 Posts
    • 25,194 Thanks
    thorsoak
    As this is a UK-based forum, you may find that we are unable to advise you on the legalities of the implications of your partner's suggestion. You would probably be better advised on a Dutch forum.
    • SuperPikachu
    • By SuperPikachu 11th Jan 18, 1:11 PM
    • 118 Posts
    • 155 Thanks
    SuperPikachu
    Well from experience, I used to get very fed up with my ex and money when I didn't feel the same about her anymore. It took me a long time to realise that I was not really in the relationship anymore though. I just used to get really ratty with her and she started to really annoy me.

    Maybe he is experiencing something like that? Did things change quite soon after you moved to live with him in Holland? or only recently.
    "Wild Pikachu appeared!"
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 11th Jan 18, 3:47 PM
    • 1,225 Posts
    • 1,339 Thanks
    badmemory
    Well from experience, I used to get very fed up with my ex and money when I didn't feel the same about her anymore. It took me a long time to realise that I was not really in the relationship anymore though. I just used to get really ratty with her and she started to really annoy me.
    Originally posted by SuperPikachu
    This does ring very true from what the OP has said.

    I wonder if both of you aren't ready to move on but the need to be together for 3 years is stopping both of you. It may well be time to look at this as more of a house share than a relationship (which would probably mean upping the contributions) but may cut down on the resentment he is feeling & make life a little more comfortable for you both.
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 12th Jan 18, 12:27 AM
    • 1,296 Posts
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    pearl123
    You could test his reaction by asking about marriage.

    One good thing about not being jointly responsible for the mortgage on paper is if things financially collapse you won’t be liable.
    • alexandra_92
    • By alexandra_92 12th Jan 18, 12:32 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alexandra_92
    Well from experience, I used to get very fed up with my ex and money when I didn't feel the same about her anymore. It took me a long time to realise that I was not really in the relationship anymore though. I just used to get really ratty with her and she started to really annoy me.

    Maybe he is experiencing something like that? Did things change quite soon after you moved to live with him in Holland? or only recently.
    Originally posted by SuperPikachu
    It does change soon after I moved here and have a job, he talked about equality more and more. But for me equality can only be considered when you have the same background and start. We have ups and downs, but we have too different opinions about so-called Equality and Being fair, so I always feel distance in our love
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 12th Jan 18, 12:34 PM
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    Comms69
    It does change soon after I moved here and have a job, he talked about equality more and more. But for me equality can only be considered when you have the same background and start. We have ups and downs, but we have too different opinions about so-called Equality and Being fair, so I always feel distance in our love
    Originally posted by alexandra_92


    That's not what equality means.


    Asking you to pay half, if you can afford to, is quite reasonable.
    • alexandra_92
    • By alexandra_92 12th Jan 18, 1:09 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alexandra_92
    This does ring very true from what the OP has said.

    I wonder if both of you aren't ready to move on but the need to be together for 3 years is stopping both of you. It may well be time to look at this as more of a house share than a relationship (which would probably mean upping the contributions) but may cut down on the resentment he is feeling & make life a little more comfortable for you both.
    Originally posted by badmemory
    Thank you, I will consider that
    • SuperPikachu
    • By SuperPikachu 12th Jan 18, 1:17 PM
    • 118 Posts
    • 155 Thanks
    SuperPikachu
    Yeah I would advise you to perhaps offer more money and see if that helps with the situation?

    Try to rekindle your relationship a bit? or just accept that things are done and maybe ask him if you can stay until you can sponsor yourself if you pay a bit more rent/bills etc?

    Just because he has the house etc does not mean you should be paying less. If you were both truly in love and happy then it might not even matter to him, but for him to be mentioning money and that he thinks you are using him, he is either tight or not really in it 100% anymore.
    "Wild Pikachu appeared!"
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 12th Jan 18, 1:24 PM
    • 2,621 Posts
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    ska lover
    And per year he is able to get tax refund for the house ( around 20-22% of the annual mortgage) but I wont get anything from it
    Originally posted by alexandra_92

    Is anyone else puzzled by this?


    It is not your boyfriends fault that he has a more successful career, and because of this, he should not be made to subsidize you or make up for your life choices


    I honestly think in childfree couples, folk should go 50 / 50 on everything , or someone is getting a bit of a free ride. In your situation I would hate it, I would either move out and, in this case pay more in rent, or insist we brought a home on a level footing


    When kids are involved it is very very different as one person seems to typically end up doing more of the childcare so the ways of contributing shift from not only financial
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • Mela322
    • By Mela322 12th Jan 18, 1:26 PM
    • 77 Posts
    • 54 Thanks
    Mela322
    One way to think about the situation is how much would it cost you in total if you lived on your own and had to completely support yourself?

    I would compare that against paying 50% towards the house and the bills.

    Another way to look at it...don't expect to gain anything if you break up, unless there is a law there. My point is that if you pay rent, you don't come out at the end with ownership in a house.

    He sees you earning more and more money. You've come from what sounds like, not the best background financially. I apologise if I'm wrong on that. Anyway, you've had this amazing opportunity to have a go at a better life and it looks as though you are well on your way. You are earning more and more as you go along and I think he sees you earning more and saving your money, as you should, but you have not considered contributing more to the household. If you were back home, would you be earning the same? Would you be living the same lifestyle?
    • alexandra_92
    • By alexandra_92 12th Jan 18, 2:18 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alexandra_92
    One way to think about the situation is how much would it cost you in total if you lived on your own and had to completely support yourself?

    I would compare that against paying 50% towards the house and the bills.

    Another way to look at it...don't expect to gain anything if you break up, unless there is a law there. My point is that if you pay rent, you don't come out at the end with ownership in a house.

    He sees you earning more and more money. You've come from what sounds like, not the best background financially. I apologise if I'm wrong on that. Anyway, you've had this amazing opportunity to have a go at a better life and it looks as though you are well on your way. You are earning more and more as you go along and I think he sees you earning more and saving your money, as you should, but you have not considered contributing more to the household. If you were back home, would you be earning the same? Would you be living the same lifestyle?
    Originally posted by Mela322
    Thank you for your opinion. But I do not agree with you here. I did mentioned in my post that my contribution is increasing more and more because of my income. I do want to contribute and in fact, I share everything fairly, for me bills and grocery etc, no problem, I do not want to be a burden for my partner, and I do want to share with him . However, how do you jump right to the conclusion that I go here for a better life? I was not living a poor life back home, the reason I came is because I love him and want to be with him, and I do have the same lifestyle/ quality of life back home, I have never thought I would come here to CHANGE my life. Just so you know
    Ofcourse you cannot get money back if you rent a house, but this is a owned property, put in another way, an investment over time, you pay money every month, and the house stays on your name, its a different story!
    Its true that I earn more money, but again I work 50 hours a week to be able to earn the same money as he is. You cant compare apples and oranges!
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