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    • Bath cube
    • By Bath cube 10th Jan 18, 8:18 PM
    • 181Posts
    • 79Thanks
    Bath cube
    Concerns About Friends Behaviour
    • #1
    • 10th Jan 18, 8:18 PM
    Concerns About Friends Behaviour 10th Jan 18 at 8:18 PM
    I'm sorry if this post might sound offensive on here but I do require some advice asap. My OH goes out on Fridays by himself (which is fine by me no problem). He doesnt go to meet anyone specifically he just chats to most people he knows in a local public house. Since last summer a man has sort of latched on to my OH and is showing some strange behaviour. He has told my OH he is bisexual but prefers men and that he thinks my OH is hiding his true feelings towards him this was before Christmas. This man seems peculiar he lives round the corner from this public house but insisted on getting in a taxi home with my OH and watched my OH going into our house. When my OH told him no I'm not interested in you sexually he appeared very upset and my OH told him it was best he didn't contact or see him again given his feelings. Since this happened my OH has gone somewhere different and last Saturday we went out together as normal in a quiet nice bar. This man came in and stared right at me then went to the bar and stormed up to my OH. He asked my OH why was he ignoring him and asked out loud if it was because of me. When I went over to see what was wrong this man got really annoyed and was fuming under his breath. I told him to go and he stormed off. He rang my OH the following evening and told him not to ignore him. I was coming home from work yesterday and he approache'd me as I was getting my keys out of my bag. He told me he had had sex with my OH and he isnt happy with you. I told him to go or I will call the police and he put his face next to mine. When my OH got home I asked him about this and he said it's all lies and this bloke has become obsessed with him. He phoned him in front of me and told him not to bother either of us. What can I do if he approaches me again or follows us into the bar we go to?. It looks like he wants to stir it out of jealousy.
Page 2
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jan 18, 8:43 AM
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    Pollycat
    I'm confused as to how this person got your OH's number?
    Originally posted by Ms Chocaholic
    Precisely!

    Quite a few of my OH friends or colleagues have his number.
    Originally posted by Bath cube
    But this man is not a friend of your OH (if what you have posted is true and despite the title of your thread).
    He's some random that your OH chatted to in a pub.
    Are you really saying that your OH gives his phone number out to people willy-nilly?

    And....he insisted that he shared a taxi with your OH?
    Really?
    Is your OH incapable of saying 'no'?
    There's no way I (or my OH) would let anyone share a taxi to our house when they live round the corner from the pub.

    How did/does he have your OH's number?

    There are two options - either he has boundary and perhaps mental health issues or he's telling the full or partial truth.

    Unless there's a legitimate reason why he has your OH's phone number I'd be inclined towards believing the latter. Most men (and women) I know wouldn't give their number to someone they know casually without a reason.
    Originally posted by lika_86
    Precisely.
    I'd be looking closer to home for the reason for this 'friend's' odd behaviour.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 11th Jan 18, 8:48 AM
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    PasturesNew
    It's irrelevant whether the OP's husband has been having it off with this bloke or not. Nor is it relevant to ask how he got the phone number.

    This bloke should not be doing what he has been doing, which is threatening, scarey, worrying and weird.

    At least make a log of it at the local police station.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 11th Jan 18, 9:23 AM
    • 196 Posts
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    JayJay100
    I'm sorry, but I'd be worried in this situation. It sounds as though this man has an obsession with your partner, and could be seeing you as the reason why they're not together. Obsessive behaviour like this can happen because there's history between them, or it can just happen because the other party has built something up in their head, which isn't real, but is real to them. What would you do, if it was a woman behaving in exactly the same way?

    Phone numbers are easy to obtain, and as for sharing a taxi - well. I've done that to avoid a scene at a taxi rank, because I couldn't think of a reason quickly enough, to say no.

    I would explain to your partner how worried and upset you are by this, and suggest that you go to the police, initially for advice, and see what they say. I did this with my stepson, when he was started seeing a girl a while ago, and was getting intimidating behaviour from her ex. The police were really good, and told him what to do, but also what not to do, and what to look out for. It's a while ago now, but I'm pretty sure that the initial chat was unofficial, but would have been made official, if we'd wanted them to speak to man concerned, which they did offer to do.

    Good luck; it's a horrible situation to be in.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jan 18, 9:31 AM
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    Pollycat
    It's irrelevant whether the OP's husband has been having it off with this bloke or not. Nor is it relevant to ask how he got the phone number.

    This bloke should not be doing what he has been doing, which is threatening, scarey, worrying and weird.

    At least make a log of it at the local police station.
    Originally posted by PasturesNew
    Ah....but I think the answers add to the 'believability' of the scenario.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jan 18, 9:35 AM
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    Pollycat
    Phone numbers are easy to obtain
    Originally posted by JayJay100
    If you were some random that started up a conversation with me in the pub, how would you go about getting hold of my phone number?

    and as for sharing a taxi - well. I've done that to avoid a scene at a taxi rank, because I couldn't think of a reason quickly enough, to say no.
    Originally posted by JayJay100
    Would you really share a taxi with someone who 'lives round the corner from the pub' and allow him/her to travel to your house and see where you live?

    Some people seem to be pretty lax about their personal safety.
    • spadoosh
    • By spadoosh 11th Jan 18, 9:57 AM
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    spadoosh
    If you were some random that started up a conversation with me in the pub, how would you go about getting hold of my phone number? I would spend about 6 months talking to you every friday for a few hours, mention my cat and ask if you want me to send you pictures of it. Alternatively i would mentionan upcoming event that might take your fancy and ask if i could have your number to let you know about it. Or arrange a golfing day. Or to chat about hte football scores. Do you have time limits and minimum requirements for handing out your phone number? I mean 6 months+ and a few hours every friday night does add up to quite a lot of time.
    But then the OP must be lying and her husband is clearly gay.



    Would you really share a taxi with someone who 'lives round the corner from the pub' and allow him/her to travel to your house and see where you live? I encourage my OH to do this.
    Her options might be get a taxi with a taxi driver she doesnt know. or latch on to a group of people and politely ask if they mind her jumping in with them. That way she has a group of people watching her and a taxi driver.



    Some people seem to be pretty lax about their personal safety.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Not sure why its so unbeliebable. Ive had a woman latch on to me, after the first date she invited her family (aunts and uncles too) to my workplace to see me. When i started to cool things down lies started being told about me at work. Fortunately my work colleagues know me better than the stories she could make up.

    Sounds exactly like the actions of someone who is infatuated and struggling to cope with rejection.
    Don't be angry!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jan 18, 10:13 AM
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    Pollycat
    Sounds exactly like the actions of someone who is infatuated and struggling to cope with rejection.
    Originally posted by spadoosh
    Sounds exactly like the actions of someone who has either:
    1. been led on and then rejected
    2. has had a relationship with someone and then been rejected
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jan 18, 10:21 AM
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    Pollycat
    I would spend about 6 months talking to you every friday for a few hours, mention my cat and ask if you want me to send you pictures of it. Alternatively i would mentionan upcoming event that might take your fancy and ask if i could have your number to let you know about it. Or arrange a golfing day. Or to chat about hte football scores. Do you have time limits and minimum requirements for handing out your phone number? I mean 6 months+ and a few hours every friday night does add up to quite a lot of time.
    But then the OP must be lying and her husband is clearly gay.

    If you wanted me to see photos of your cat, you could show them to me on your phone.
    I would not have the sort of relationship with some random I met once a week that would result in giving them my phone number.
    So, yes.....I do have a minimum requirement for handing out my phone number.

    Maybe it's because I'm a very private person and don't 'do' social media - unlike some people who seem to want to share every intimate detail of their lives with random strangers.
    I encourage my OH to do this.
    Her options might be get a taxi with a taxi driver she doesnt know. or latch on to a group of people and politely ask if they mind her jumping in with them. That way she has a group of people watching her and a taxi driver.

    Your OH is female.
    I wouldn't have thought that a man would feel the need to have a group of people watching over him in a taxi home.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 11th Jan 18, 10:50 AM
    • 196 Posts
    • 377 Thanks
    JayJay100
    If you were some random that started up a conversation with me in the pub, how would you go about getting hold of my phone number?


    Would you really share a taxi with someone who 'lives round the corner from the pub' and allow him/her to travel to your house and see where you live?

    Some people seem to be pretty lax about their personal safety.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Oh, I agree; if it was a random meeting and our first conversation, it's highly unlikely that we'd be exchanging numbers, but this isn't a random. This is a local pub, with plenty of regulars, and the man has been part of the group since last summer. I've been in similar groups, and asked for someone else's phone number lots of times; the only difference is that I don't give the numbers out, I get the person who is asking's number, and pass it on. I've had my number given to other people in the group, without my permission; it happens.

    Again, it's not unusual to be asked to share a taxi, with someone from a group, especially if they're a bit worse for wear, it's chucking down with rain or it's a busy night, with a huge delay on getting a taxi; we don't know the circumstances to judge. I've even had someone from the edge of my group get in the taxi with me, to make sure that I got home safely, as he wasn't sure that I'd got in a legitimate taxi; our taxis have the phone number in a strip across the back window and that was missing. The taxi was legitimate, but I hadn't noticed the lack of phone number, and I was grateful that someone was keeping an eye out for me.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 11th Jan 18, 11:07 AM
    • 196 Posts
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    JayJay100
    Not sure why its so unbeliebable. Ive had a woman latch on to me, after the first date she invited her family (aunts and uncles too) to my workplace to see me. When i started to cool things down lies started being told about me at work. Fortunately my work colleagues know me better than the stories she could make up.

    Sounds exactly like the actions of someone who is infatuated and struggling to cope with rejection.
    Originally posted by spadoosh


    I think so too. I've seen it in my own social circle, and it was really bizarre how she would interpret a situation, that we had all witnessed; she would see things in someone's behaviour that really weren't there, but her emotions and reactions were real.
    • spadoosh
    • By spadoosh 11th Jan 18, 11:15 AM
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    spadoosh
    Sounds exactly like the actions of someone who has either:
    1. been led on and then rejected
    2. has had a relationship with someone and then been rejected
    Maybe, many possible scenarios then?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    If you wanted me to see photos of your cat, you could show them to me on your phone.
    I would not have the sort of relationship with some random I met once a week that would result in giving them my phone number.
    So, yes.....I do have a minimum requirement for handing out my phone number. I got in a car crash and gave someone my number straight away. Ive also had friends give my number to others for small trivial things too. Its just not that weird to give someone your contact details

    Maybe it's because I'm a very private person and don't 'do' social media apart from 18,000+ comments on a social media website over 10 years - unlike some people who seem to want to share every intimate detail of their lives with random strangers.
    Your OH is female.
    I wouldn't have thought that a man would feel the need to have a group of people watching over him in a taxi home. i would assume the op's oh didnt i imagine it could be explained by 'i felt rude telling him to do one'
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Ive offered perfectly acceptable reasons for the situation you dismiss. Fairly sure im not the only person who could justify such actions. A 3rd party acting strangely does not mean the OPs OH has turned gay and is having an affair.

    If i said to your partner or anyone for that matter we had sex would you then tell people we had? Or would you just say im a bit of a nutter and talking rubbish?
    Don't be angry!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jan 18, 11:19 AM
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    Pollycat
    Oh, I agree; if it was a random meeting and our first conversation, it's highly unlikely that we'd be exchanging numbers, but this isn't a random. This is a local pub, with plenty of regulars, and the man has been part of the group since last summer. I've been in similar groups, and asked for someone else's phone number lots of times; the only difference is that I don't give the numbers out, I get the person who is asking's number, and pass it on. I've had my number given to other people in the group, without my permission; it happens.
    Originally posted by JayJay100
    From what the OP has posted, there isn't a 'group' in the pub.
    He doesnt go to meet anyone specifically he just chats to most people he knows in a local public house.
    Originally posted by Bath cube
    Again, it's not unusual to be asked to share a taxi, with someone from a group, especially if they're a bit worse for wear, it's chucking down with rain or it's a busy night, with a huge delay on getting a taxi; we don't know the circumstances to judge. I've even had someone from the edge of my group get in the taxi with me, to make sure that I got home safely, as he wasn't sure that I'd got in a legitimate taxi; our taxis have the phone number in a strip across the back window and that was missing. The taxi was legitimate, but I hadn't noticed the lack of phone number, and I was grateful that someone was keeping an eye out for me.
    Originally posted by JayJay100
    We do know:
    he lives round the corner from this public house
    Originally posted by Bath cube
    Even if someone was worse for wear or it was chucking it down with rain, it would make more sense to drop someone off who lived round the corner first before going on to your own home.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jan 18, 11:44 AM
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    Pollycat
    I got in a car crash and gave someone my number straight away. Ive also had friends give my number to others for small trivial things too. Its just not that weird to give someone your contact details
    Very different circumstances.
    apart from 18,000+ comments on a social media website over 10 years
    You see MSE forums as a social media website?
    At least on here, I don't know what some random who've I've 'friended' has had for breakfast.

    i would assume the op's oh didnt i imagine it could be explained by 'i felt rude telling him to do one'
    Why do you have to explain that you want to take a taxi home by yourself?

    Ive offered perfectly acceptable reasons for the situation you dismiss. Fairly sure im not the only person who could justify such actions. A 3rd party acting strangely does not mean the OPs OH has turned gay and is having an affair.
    Originally posted by spadoosh
    And I've offered perfectly acceptable reasons for the situations you dismiss.
    And from the responses, I'm not the only one who can see that there may be more to this than the OP thinks.

    If i said to your partner or anyone for that matter we had sex would you then tell people we had? Or would you just say im a bit of a nutter and talking rubbish?
    Originally posted by spadoosh
    No I wouldn't tell people that my OH had sex with some random bloke.

    But I wouldn't say something like this either:
    There is no question of my OH being gay or unfaithful with any man or woman.
    Originally posted by Bath cube
    That's nonsense.

    I'd bet that Princess Di thought the same thing about Prince Charles when they got engaged.
    • spadoosh
    • By spadoosh 11th Jan 18, 12:17 PM
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    spadoosh
    Very different circumstances. maybe but theres a million and one reasons why someone might give their number to someone. If everyone who has my number is a sexual aquaintance then i think im going to have to ask my nan to delete my number. As i would the local papa johns. Giving someone your number when youve known them for 6 months seeing them every friday simply isnt a strange thing to do
    You see MSE forums as a social media website? it is the very defintion of social media and social networking
    At least on here, I don't know what some random who've I've 'friended' has had for breakfast. ermhhh,
    theyre youre friends?! And you wont give your phone number to anyone for any reason but you think youll friend randomers on facebook, a bit of an oxymoron


    Why do you have to explain that you want to take a taxi home by yourself? etiquette



    And I've offered perfectly acceptable reasons for the situations you dismiss. ive not dismissed anything, he could be having an affair, i simply gave valid answers to your questioning suggesting hes gay and having an affair
    And from the responses, I'm not the only one who can see that there may be more to this than the OP thinks.


    No I wouldn't tell people that my OH had sex with some random bloke.

    But I wouldn't say something like this either: i see your point. BUt then people always say they could never imagine someone doing such and such a thing. I think theres a certain amount of trust involved in relationships for which you spend large parts of any relationship trusting what the other person says. Questioning every aspect to the degree you have would show signs of either a controlling relationship or an untrusting one. Neither of which are conducive to a good relationship.

    That's nonsense.

    I'd bet that Princess Di thought the same thing about Prince Charles when they got engaged.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I just dont think you can suggest with much conviction hes gay and had an affair because someone who is known to be a bit weird and infatuated with their partner has said they had sex and has their number. If you found gay porn your suggestion could gather weight. If he had been meeting together on their own, maybe more weight. Expressed an interest in sexual interaction with men the suggestion would be more heavy. But a phone number and an infatuated person is not even remotely conclusive hes had an affair.
    Don't be angry!
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 11th Jan 18, 12:55 PM
    • 1,160 Posts
    • 1,312 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Iíve got to say there are a couple of posters on here whose lives always seem to have some sort of drama going on. And over quite short periods too!

    In terms of this story

    Re the phone. In my experience, anyway, blokes can be pretty casual about giving out their mobile numbers - especially, when they have had a few beers. While this isnít a group of friends it is a bunch of guys doing the same thing at the same time quite regularly. Go in any pub around here and you will see the same.

    I can certainly envisage ways that the phone number was handed over. As an example my friendís dad pops into his local club for a couple quite often. Heís a brickie and if one of his ďacquaintancesĒ in that club said he knew someone who wanted some work done and could he have his number I think he would likely give it.

    The taxi is a bit odder. However many are in a cab in our group (and whoever they are) itís pretty usual that the nearest gets dropped first etc. If for no other reason than itís likely cheaper. However, if this happened as a one off I might think it a bit odd but nothing more than that. Plenty of folks I know watch someone go into the house before telling the taxi to drive on. Itís to make sure they are okay.

    As others have said this is straightforward. Go to the police. Itís as simple as that. Youíve been intimidated and this guy knows where you live. Iím surprised your OH hasnít suggested this. If it had happened to my partner Iíd be advising her to go to them (not that sheíd need the advice!)

    Whatís behind this? Who knows? Itís a bit of a coincidence that this guy happened to walk into that bar at that time - but these things happen. You are the one who knows your husband so itís totally your call if you trust him or not. Only you know that

    ETA. I take a lot of things that I hear in pubs in that situation with a large dose of scepticism. And, the OTT description of the guy seems unnecessary.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 11-01-2018 at 1:21 PM. Reason: Spelling - and an extra thought
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 11th Jan 18, 1:24 PM
    • 6,148 Posts
    • 7,913 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    It's irrelevant whether the OP's husband has been having it off with this bloke or not. Nor is it relevant to ask how he got the phone number.

    This bloke should not be doing what he has been doing, which is threatening, scarey, worrying and weird.

    At least make a log of it at the local police station.
    Originally posted by PasturesNew
    This. Whether or not OPs husband has had any kind of affair or been exploring his sexuality is irrelevant.

    If OP and/or her husband don't want this person to come to their home, call them etc, or if either of them is scared or concerned about his actions, then they can contact the police, log it as harassment and then continue to report each and every new incident.

    OPs husband's sexual identity is a separate issue, and it is entirely up to OP what she believes or what she does in response to those beliefs, although if I were OP, I would consider getting myself checked out for STDs as a precaution, as that is always if there is any chance that your sexual partner may have been sexually involved with anyone else.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jan 18, 1:44 PM
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    Pollycat
    maybe but theres a million and one reasons why someone might give their number to someone. If everyone who has my number is a sexual aquaintance then i think im going to have to ask my nan to delete my number. As i would the local papa johns. Giving someone your number when youve known them for 6 months seeing them every friday simply isnt a strange thing to do

    Did I say that everyone someone gave their number to was a sexual aquaintance?
    I'm clearly far more careful with my personal details than a lot of other people.


    it is the very defintion of social media and social networking

    Then it's very surprising that it doesn't appear anywhere near the top of the list of social media websites.

    Originally Posted by Pollycat
    ermhhh,
    theyre youre friends?! And you wont give your phone number to anyone for any reason but you think youll friend randomers on facebook, a bit of an oxymoron

    You obviously missed the '' around friends.
    Many people have 'friends' on Facebook that they don't even know.
    People who just sent them a friend request that they've accepted.
    Actually, I'm not interested in reading what anybody - even my sister - has had for breakfast. If it comes in in face-to-face or verbal conversation, that's different.

    That's why I don't do Facebook.

    ive not dismissed anything, he could be having an affair, i simply gave valid answers to your questioning suggesting hes gay and having an affair


    I've not dismissed anything either, just put forward an alterative viewpoint.

    i see your point. BUt then people always say they could never imagine someone doing such and such a thing. I think theres a certain amount of trust involved in relationships for which you spend large parts of any relationship trusting what the other person says. Questioning every aspect to the degree you have would show signs of either a controlling relationship or an untrusting one. Neither of which are conducive to a good relationship.

    Exactly.
    For the OP to say that 'there is no question of my OH being gay or unfaithful with any man or woman' is. at best, naive.

    I do not question my relationship to any degree.
    My OH, whilst going out on his own once a week as the OP's OH does, is - like me - very careful of his personal details.
    I'm questioning what the OP has told us about her relationship.





    I just dont think you can suggest with much conviction hes gay and had an affair because someone who is known to be a bit weird and infatuated with their partner has said they had sex and has their number. If you found gay porn your suggestion could gather weight. If he had been meeting together on their own, maybe more weight. Expressed an interest in sexual interaction with men the suggestion would be more heavy. But a phone number and an infatuated person is not even remotely conclusive hes had an affair.
    Originally posted by spadoosh
    It's clear that there is no way we are going to agree with each other on this so I'll leave it with you.
    Additionally, the way you respond to my points within my quotes make it onerous to respond, rather than just being able to quote your replies.
    And I'm really not that bothered.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 11th Jan 18, 1:58 PM
    • 5,523 Posts
    • 25,145 Thanks
    thorsoak
    There's no point discussing whether the OP's partner is or is not gay - the fact is HE DOESN'T EXIST - apart from in the imagination of Bathcube who really should be writing stories for True Story magazine.

    The imagination runs riot!
    • SuperPikachu
    • By SuperPikachu 11th Jan 18, 2:02 PM
    • 116 Posts
    • 147 Thanks
    SuperPikachu
    How do these threads turn into people arguing amongst themselves about somebody elses question?

    @OP - Just contact the Police if you feel threatened or are worried, this is something they are there to deal with, I'm not sure why we need to know anything further. I'm not sure why you even need to ask peoples opinions when it is potentially your own personal safety you should be considering? Should be common sense
    "Wild Pikachu appeared!"
    • CurlySue2017
    • By CurlySue2017 11th Jan 18, 2:35 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 45 Thanks
    CurlySue2017
    How do these threads turn into people arguing amongst themselves about somebody elses question?
    Originally posted by SuperPikachu
    Look at the post counts of the people that are arguing amongst themselves.....that's why they do it.

    The higher number is considered a badge of honour to some on here I'm sure
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