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    • masonsmum
    • By masonsmum 7th Jan 18, 5:42 PM
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    masonsmum
    Family Issues - Alcoholism
    • #1
    • 7th Jan 18, 5:42 PM
    Family Issues - Alcoholism 7th Jan 18 at 5:42 PM
    I am in the middle of some issues with a member of my family and I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

    I am very close to my Aunt (mums sister) and my Uncle. They have never had any children and live very close to us and regularly help us out with childcare when I am at work by getting my boys from school, giving them dinner etc. However over the past few years it has became clear that my Aunt has an alcohol addiction. It seems to be getting steadily worse this year and we have had 2 major episodes in the past couple of months where she has been drunk at work and is spiralling out of control. My uncle doesnít help as he tries to hide the extent of the problem and tries to make out everything is fine. I am now riddled with guilt as I no longer want to send my children there when she is drunk all the time. I have tried to help on many occasions but they just act as if nothing is happening. She is a carer for people with disabilities role and it canít be covered up for much longer.

    Can anyone offer advise on how I should deal with this. Thank you in advance.
Page 1
    • littleredhen
    • By littleredhen 7th Jan 18, 5:47 PM
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    littleredhen
    • #2
    • 7th Jan 18, 5:47 PM
    • #2
    • 7th Jan 18, 5:47 PM
    Have you tried talking to her on a one to one basis?
    The mind is like a parachute. It doesnít work unless itís open.

    A winner listens, a loser just waits until it is their turn to talk
    • Browntoa
    • By Browntoa 7th Jan 18, 5:50 PM
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    Browntoa
    • #3
    • 7th Jan 18, 5:50 PM
    • #3
    • 7th Jan 18, 5:50 PM
    Afraid like most addict's the person concerned has to admit there is a problem , there's virtually nothing a third party can do until they do this

    All you can do is make it clear you are no longer happy to let her collect the children due to her alcohol problem
    I'm the Board Guide of the Referrers ,Telephones, Pensions , Shop Don't drop ,over 50's and Discount Code boards which means I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum runnning smoothly .However, please remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an inappropriate or illegal post please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 7th Jan 18, 6:02 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    • #4
    • 7th Jan 18, 6:02 PM
    • #4
    • 7th Jan 18, 6:02 PM
    Does she use a car to collect your children or to do her caring work?
    • masonsmum
    • By masonsmum 7th Jan 18, 6:20 PM
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    masonsmum
    • #5
    • 7th Jan 18, 6:20 PM
    • #5
    • 7th Jan 18, 6:20 PM
    Does she use a car to collect your children or to do her caring work?
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    No she doesnít drive thankfully. My Uncle chauffeurs her everywhere. He is a recovering alcoholic as well and hasnít drunk for 27 years now.
    • masonsmum
    • By masonsmum 7th Jan 18, 6:22 PM
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    masonsmum
    • #6
    • 7th Jan 18, 6:22 PM
    • #6
    • 7th Jan 18, 6:22 PM
    Have you tried talking to her on a one to one basis?
    Originally posted by littleredhen
    Yes I have but she just tries to lie her way out of things. She makes out she is ill with flu or sickness bug etc and thatís why she is so drowsy and slurring her speech. But I know she is drunk and Iím finding empty bottles all the time.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 7th Jan 18, 8:15 PM
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    Red-Squirrel
    • #7
    • 7th Jan 18, 8:15 PM
    • #7
    • 7th Jan 18, 8:15 PM
    If you are worried that she may be a risk to the people she cares for, i’m afraid you have to contact her employers and tell them your concerns.

    In terms of helping your aunt, it’s harder, I think all you can do is tell that as soon as she wants your support you will be there to give it.
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 7th Jan 18, 9:37 PM
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    suki1964
    • #8
    • 7th Jan 18, 9:37 PM
    • #8
    • 7th Jan 18, 9:37 PM
    You can't help her, she and her OH are in denial

    What you can do is protect your children and stop letting her care for them.
    if you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
    • Ms Chocaholic
    • By Ms Chocaholic 7th Jan 18, 9:39 PM
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    Ms Chocaholic
    • #9
    • 7th Jan 18, 9:39 PM
    • #9
    • 7th Jan 18, 9:39 PM
    How old are your boys? Are they of an age where they can protect themselves. Is the uncle always there when the wife is providing childcare.
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till The End

    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
    • chesky
    • By chesky 7th Jan 18, 10:53 PM
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    chesky
    If she’s fond of the children, then stopping her acting as their carer might actually help her face up to the problem and realise her behaviour has consequences.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 7th Jan 18, 11:17 PM
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    Savvy_Sue
    If you are worried that she may be a risk to the people she cares for, iím afraid you have to contact her employers and tell them your concerns.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    it is worth noting that some employers will have a policy to support staff with addiction issues, IF they are willing to face them. Equally, some have clear policies about use of alcohol / drugs which may affect performance.
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    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 7th Jan 18, 11:54 PM
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    Red-Squirrel
    it is worth noting that some employers will have a policy to support staff with addiction issues, IF they are willing to face them. Equally, some have clear policies about use of alcohol / drugs which may affect performance.
    Originally posted by Savvy_Sue
    Every employer that provides care to vulnerable people should have a policy about protecting their clients/services users though.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 8th Jan 18, 9:29 AM
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    Pollycat
    If you are worried that she may be a risk to the people she cares for, iím afraid you have to contact her employers and tell them your concerns.

    In terms of helping your aunt, itís harder, I think all you can do is tell that as soon as she wants your support you will be there to give it.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    You can't help her, she and her OH are in denial

    What you can do is protect your children and stop letting her care for them.
    Originally posted by suki1964
    +1 to both the bits in bold.

    Why would you allow someone who is drinking to excess be be in charge of your children (regardless of the family connection)?

    How would you feel if something serious happened to one of the disabled people your Aunt is supposed to be caring for because she was drunk?
    You've already said she's been drunk at work.

    Even if your Aunt is not ready to admit her drinking problem (and until she does there is little you can do to help) there are other people who need and deserve to be protected from her.
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 8th Jan 18, 8:31 PM
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    pearl123
    I think a sit down talk with the Uncle could be a good way to start especially if he has had drinking problems but is now clean. He needs to understand that he is enabling the behavior.
    If you can get him on your side then perhaps a sit down talk altogether might work.
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 8th Jan 18, 9:25 PM
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    enthusiasticsaver
    You should initially make other arrangements for your boys. If your Aunt doesn't accept she has a drinking problem there is very little to be done for her. I have sadly seen this with a close friend of mine in that they often have to reach rock bottom before acknowledging they are an alcoholic and sometimes not even then. My friend, a highly qualified teacher and university lecturer lost her driving licence, her job, her marriage, children and family support and ended up in prison overnight and is still drinking now four years later although has done a few spells in rehab to get clean.
    Debt free and mortgage free and early retiree. Living the dream

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 8th Jan 18, 10:59 PM
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    Savvy_Sue
    Every employer that provides care to vulnerable people should have a policy about protecting their clients/services users though.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    Yes, that is true. I was more wanting to encourage the OP not to assume that reporting concerns to work would lead automatically to dismissal (if concerns proved to be true).

    If drug or alcohol misuse is alleged, then a good employer will suspend, to give time to investigate and offer support.
    Still knitting!
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    • af273
    • By af273 9th Jan 18, 8:11 PM
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    af273
    Personally I wouldn't allow my children to be in the care of her.

    Maybe it'll be a wake up call of sorts? They say that someone has to hit rock bottom before that change.
    My husbands a functioning alcoholic, he's impossible. There's little I can say to get him to stop.
    • masonsmum
    • By masonsmum 10th Jan 18, 11:29 AM
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    masonsmum
    Thank you to everyone for the replies. The main problem seems to be that both my Aunt and Uncle are in total denial of what is actually happening.

    She was admitted to hospital last night after a house call from the GP as she was delirious and hadn't moved out of her bed since last Thursday as well as her blood pressure going through the roof. She got home from hospital this morning and my Uncle says "she has a bad chest infection - and its not been caused by alcohol"

    I cant help but feel that he isn't helping matters and that he is "feeding" her the alcohol to keep the cravings at bay, because she NEVER seems sober to me anymore.

    My boys were supposed to go to them after school yesterday but I told my Aunt that she needed to sort herself out as I didn't want my kids to see her like that. My uncle was so angry with me and said that the boys might have helped her "get out of this slump she is in"

    I hate to see a relationship breaking down with two people I have always been close to but I cant help or get involved if they cant face the problem.
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 10th Jan 18, 11:55 AM
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    suki1964
    Well done for being strong enough to see that your children need to be kept away. Do not allow your uncle to emotionally blackmail you

    Ring AlAnon Get some outside support from them for you. It's very difficult being in the position you are in but the support you will get from AlAnon will help you keep resolve

    All the very best of luck to you. No matter what happens to your Aunt, none of it is your fault nor your children's. Protect your children xx
    if you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
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