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    • Gettingtherequickly
    • By Gettingtherequickly 5th Jan 18, 1:27 PM
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    Gettingtherequickly
    Advice for dad bailing daughter out
    • #1
    • 5th Jan 18, 1:27 PM
    Advice for dad bailing daughter out 5th Jan 18 at 1:27 PM
    Writing on behalf of someone I know.

    His daughter has got herself into a debt cycle which she can't get out of. He previously bailed her out last spring and warned her not to get into debt again (he hates owing money), she is coming up to 21 so immaturity is the cause of it primarily, however although she is working, she has very little priority expenditure, which means that she has generally selfish expenditure.

    Anyway, he told her that she would have to get a loan, not the best idea I know, but he feels that she would have a greater fear of the bank than him and may take responsibility for her actions as a result. They bank at the same branch and, although she is unaware, he is prepared to act as guarantor which he has told the manager. However, as the amount is "only" £3k, the bank have said guarantor is unlikely to be required. Consequently, her credit history would probably either result in refusal or very poor interest rate.

    Which means that he will (and is resigned to) have to bail her out again.

    What would you advise he say to her? I was thinking along the following:

    1. As a high rate tax payer, that £3k has already had cost him £2k, as to be able to give her £3k, he was paid £5k (I am rounding figures, but she needs to know these things).

    2. Any cards are to be cut up.

    3. If she is not repaying him, not to even think of a 21st birthday present.

    She is not his wife's daughter, so he knows he can speak to me openly but at the same time, anything I say is with emotional detachment, which I know is easy for me to say, but he needs to over-ride his parental guilt, which he hopefully he will have no problem about doing this time.

    Any thoughts on what else he could say? He is desperate for her to take a more mature attitude and budget sensibly, but at the same time, she is an adult.
    Did my LBM in reverseFinally debt free with money in the bank!

    I know I am getting old, but there is no need for my consultant to age me by another 10 years 😉
Page 1
    • BoGoF
    • By BoGoF 5th Jan 18, 1:34 PM
    • 2,838 Posts
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    BoGoF
    • #2
    • 5th Jan 18, 1:34 PM
    • #2
    • 5th Jan 18, 1:34 PM
    Have to say after her not learning her lesson first time my advice would be leave her to it otherwise she won't learn.
    • Gettingtherequickly
    • By Gettingtherequickly 5th Jan 18, 1:50 PM
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    Gettingtherequickly
    • #3
    • 5th Jan 18, 1:50 PM
    • #3
    • 5th Jan 18, 1:50 PM
    Have to say after her not learning her lesson first time my advice would be leave her to it otherwise she won't learn.
    Originally posted by BoGoF
    Mine too! But she would probably keep asking him for money
    Did my LBM in reverseFinally debt free with money in the bank!

    I know I am getting old, but there is no need for my consultant to age me by another 10 years 😉
    • elsien
    • By elsien 5th Jan 18, 1:57 PM
    • 15,620 Posts
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    elsien
    • #4
    • 5th Jan 18, 1:57 PM
    • #4
    • 5th Jan 18, 1:57 PM
    He really doesn't have to bail her out if the bank say no. If he does so, she will carry on racking up debt and in 12 months time she'll be back again for more.

    She has the options of changing her spending habits, selling things, getting a second job, looking at debt management options/speaking to stepchange etc. Same as the rest of us, really.

    He's given her one chance and it hasn't worked. Chucking money at it again will do her no favours at all. The responsible option would be to sit down with her, do an SOA and sort out a sensible budget and repayment plan. Anything else will be enabling her and money down the drain.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Gettingtherequickly
    • By Gettingtherequickly 5th Jan 18, 2:02 PM
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    Gettingtherequickly
    • #5
    • 5th Jan 18, 2:02 PM
    • #5
    • 5th Jan 18, 2:02 PM
    She has the options of changing her spending habits, selling things, getting a second job, looking at debt management options/speaking to stepchange etc. Same as the rest of us, really.
    Originally posted by elsien
    How daft am I, didn't even think of a DMP
    Did my LBM in reverseFinally debt free with money in the bank!

    I know I am getting old, but there is no need for my consultant to age me by another 10 years 😉
    • tallyhoh
    • By tallyhoh 5th Jan 18, 2:19 PM
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    tallyhoh
    • #6
    • 5th Jan 18, 2:19 PM
    • #6
    • 5th Jan 18, 2:19 PM
    I say leave her to it. My partners mum used to bail him out 50 years ago & so he never learned the hard way when he was young, he's still as bad with money
    Tallyhoh!

    Stopped Smoking October 2000. Saved £21,840 so far!
    • DCFC79
    • By DCFC79 5th Jan 18, 9:39 PM
    • 30,595 Posts
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    DCFC79
    • #7
    • 5th Jan 18, 9:39 PM
    • #7
    • 5th Jan 18, 9:39 PM
    I also agree he shouldnt bail her out and let her deal with the aftermath of her actions.
    Can people stop loaning money/being a guarator to family/friends, it rarely ends well and you lose out as your money is gone or you get shafted with being a guarantor.
    • robpw2
    • By robpw2 5th Jan 18, 9:40 PM
    • 12,648 Posts
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    robpw2
    • #8
    • 5th Jan 18, 9:40 PM
    • #8
    • 5th Jan 18, 9:40 PM
    My advise would be DON'T ..

    she needs to learn to deal with this herself


    Slimming world start 28/01/2012 starting weight 21st 2.5lb current weight 17st 9-total loss 3st 7.5lb
    Slimmer of the month February , March ,April
    • Ms Chocaholic
    • By Ms Chocaholic 5th Jan 18, 9:48 PM
    • 8,970 Posts
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    Ms Chocaholic
    • #9
    • 5th Jan 18, 9:48 PM
    • #9
    • 5th Jan 18, 9:48 PM
    How many times will he have to bail her out before she learns, if he does it this time, it's bound to happen again. She's not learned from last time, this time isn't going to make a blind bit of difference either.
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till The End

    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
    • gilly1964
    • By gilly1964 5th Jan 18, 10:08 PM
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    gilly1964
    Many moons ago, my Dad bailed me out with the warning that if I got into trouble again as an adult I was on my own

    Roll on another year and my car was knackered, needed a new engine which I got replaced with the use of a bank loan but now I had a car to run, a bank loan to pay back, rent to pay to dad and nothing left for socialising as a single 21 year old.

    I sold the car and got back on the bus to get to work, 15 minutes to get to work in the car, 90 minutes on the bus. I made lunches instead of buying them. I went clubbing just one night a week, instead of three.

    It was hard, but I got there. Your friends daughter will too
    • immoral_angeluk
    • By immoral_angeluk 6th Jan 18, 12:22 AM
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    immoral_angeluk
    The only way she is going to learn is the hard way. Bailing her out is just compounding the problem because she's not learning the consequence of her actions.
    Total 'Failed Business' Debt £29,043
    Que sera, sera. <3
    • sourcrates
    • By sourcrates 6th Jan 18, 11:49 AM
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    sourcrates
    Got to agree with the majority on here, as long as she knows bank of dad is there to bail her out, she wont change her spending habits.

    Sometimes a shock to the system is what it takes for someone to see the error of their ways, i would say stand back dad (hard i know, i have two daughters and a little boy) and let the crisis unfold, see how she deals with it, steer her in the direction of the debt charities if need be, but she has to be allowed to make and mend, her own mistakes, otherwise she`ll keep going round to dad every time things get rough, instead of dealing with it herself.
    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Credit File And Ratings, and
    Bankruptcy And Living With It, boards. "I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly".
    Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.

    For free debt advice, contact either : Stepchange, National Debtline, or, CAB.
    For Legal advice see : http://legalbeagles.info/
    • zippygeorgeandben
    • By zippygeorgeandben 6th Jan 18, 12:19 PM
    • 758 Posts
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    zippygeorgeandben
    and potentially in the future you and your wife might need to use your hard earned money for a REAL emergency. How would you feel if say ten years down the line you turn to your wife and say 'Actually, darling, we haven't got the money for this medical emergency because I've been bailing my daughter out..'
    End Sep 2016 End Dec 2017
    £8236.57 £0
    (Tesco 4.8%) £0pcm
    £6185.75 £0(Zopa 4.0%) £0pcm

    £5344.50
    £2470.04 (Sainsburys 0% until 06/19) £140pcm
    £2000.00 £933.36 (Sister 0%) £133.33pcm

    Total debt
    £19.766.82 £3403.40 Original DFD May 2019.
    • Dobbibill
    • By Dobbibill 6th Jan 18, 1:13 PM
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    Dobbibill
    There is more than one way to help and throwing money at the problem is NOT always the best way.

    The friend should tell the daughter, there is a plan to help her and when she comes around put a blank SOA in front of her and offer to fill it in with her.

    This is also support and while the daughter will be shocked it's not a load of cash and probably disappointed it's not another free ticket, it will be the most helpful thing he can do.

    ETA - NOT - definitely not always the best way. Thanks fatbelly.
    Last edited by Dobbibill; 06-01-2018 at 2:33 PM.
    I'm a Board Guide on the Energy, Student Money Saving, UK Armed Forces and
    Local Money Saving - Wales boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge posts there.
    Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.


    A person who never made a mistake, never tried anything new.
    • bearcat16
    • By bearcat16 6th Jan 18, 1:51 PM
    • 321 Posts
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    bearcat16
    In fairness, money management is a skill that has to be learned. Like other skills, some people find it easy, some don’t. It would be better if he taught her how to manage her finances than just bailing her out.

    This will help her, not just with immediate problems, but with the rest of her life. It might be that she has enough money to do all the things she wants to do, but isn’t managing it effectively and so it’s being wasted. For example, it’s amazing to me the number of people I know who have savings but continue to pay just the minimum payment on their credit cards, and therefore pay £hundreds in credit card interest per month. That’s not lack of money, that’s poor management.
    • fatbelly
    • By fatbelly 6th Jan 18, 2:28 PM
    • 11,779 Posts
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    fatbelly
    There is more than one way to help and throwing money at the problem is always the best way.
    Originally posted by Dobbibill
    Did you miss a 'not' there?
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 6th Jan 18, 2:29 PM
    • 4,990 Posts
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    theoretica
    Suggest the daughter signs up here for independent advice and home truths.

    Perhaps a contribution to her debts for her 21st?
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
    • Dobbibill
    • By Dobbibill 6th Jan 18, 2:34 PM
    • 2,643 Posts
    • 3,744 Thanks
    Dobbibill
    Did you miss a 'not' there?
    Originally posted by fatbelly
    Thanks fatbelly - not is definitely what I meant to say. Edited now
    I'm a Board Guide on the Energy, Student Money Saving, UK Armed Forces and
    Local Money Saving - Wales boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge posts there.
    Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.


    A person who never made a mistake, never tried anything new.
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 6th Jan 18, 2:47 PM
    • 5,137 Posts
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    enthusiasticsaver
    I agree with the consensus and would not advise the dad to bail her out.
    Much as we want to help our children if she has already been helped in the past and the debt not accrued through genuine emergency - ie job loss or sickness then she needs to learn now how to live within her means. Sorting out debt problems now at just £3k is better than her coming back to him again in a year or sos time with £7k debt if he bails her out again.

    I would suggest a bank loan or writing to her creditors. If she has very little priority expenditure, she only owes £3k and is working though I struggle to see why she cannot just pay it off like the rest of us have to. If she really can’t then a DMP. A talk on the perils of payday loans may be in order though as it sounds like she may be daft enough to go down that route.

    I am not sure what your point about him being a HR tax payer has to do with anything.
    Debt free and mortgage free and early retiree. Living the dream

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • Gettingtherequickly
    • By Gettingtherequickly 7th Jan 18, 9:53 PM
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    Gettingtherequickly
    Thanks for all of your comments, just need to convince dad that she needs to learn. I think that she should be able to pay it back in less than a year if she gets her act together, there are many families who have less disposable income, she needs to appreciate how lucky she is.
    Did my LBM in reverseFinally debt free with money in the bank!

    I know I am getting old, but there is no need for my consultant to age me by another 10 years 😉
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