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    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 5th Jan 18, 7:54 AM
    • 592Posts
    • 607Thanks
    Sea Shell
    Keeping Money and Family Separate
    • #1
    • 5th Jan 18, 7:54 AM
    Keeping Money and Family Separate 5th Jan 18 at 7:54 AM
    It is often said that Money and Family shouldn't mix....but in reality are you ever able to completely separate the two, especially if there are discrepancies of wealth within the family?

    This can manifest itself in subtle ways.....meals out, lifts out and about, generally being expected to pay for/do things.

    As we've read, it can also manifest itself in less subtle ways.....the biggy being disinherited.

    How do you keep finances out of family affairs? Or do you think you shouldn't, and that you should distribute your wealth to them, without question?
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow "
Page 3
    • maman
    • By maman 6th Jan 18, 7:20 PM
    • 17,635 Posts
    • 105,705 Thanks
    Have to agree with this. Some people put up with crap and moan about it rather than sticking up for themselves (not referring to the OP there).

    I know several friends and family who no longer give money to people who don't know how to say Thank You. I've loaned money to friends in the past and despite several, "Oh, I must pay you back that 50 quid" episodes, I never saw it again. Guess what? The money is written off and no further loans ... (I've given plenty of cash gifts also, but there is a distinct difference between a loan and a gift).
    Originally posted by dunroving

    It's often posted on these boards that you should never lend money unless you're prepared to never see it again. I agree.

    I'd never been asked for a loan until a few months back. I told the person concerned to consider it a gift. She was embarrassed at having to ask but I have to say that she's gone down in my estimation at putting herself in that position. Basically she'd given up a job before getting another one (against my advice which was asked for at the time) and then found it tough without a pay cheque for a month or so. I know while she and her DH were both working they had plenty of money coming in so shouldn't have been living month to month. Obviously living beyond their means.

    So, to come back to OP. Yes, I'd still drive the MIL around and give her lunch or whatever (provided you can afford it) but I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Don't forget though, you're in control of the situation. If you want to stop you can, just like if my 'friend' gets into a mess again through drifting from job to job I don't need to help out.
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 7th Jan 18, 7:13 AM
    • 592 Posts
    • 607 Thanks
    Sea Shell
    I'm still waiting for some Christmas thankyou's, not had so much as a text!. Maybe Santa's going to miss their chimneys next year!! - but no doubt that'd cause a ruck.

    I'm not a pushover by any means....but if I were to speak my mind and put my foot down, it would only cause ill feeling...if not irreparable damage. So i'll suck it up on the small stuff...but if they really start to take the pxxx, then they'd better watch out!!!

    Someone earlier mentioned that maybe they reciprocate in other ways/times. Err No. We are pretty self sufficient and haven't had to ask for anything from them, or help with anything, and now, even if we did NEED them, they wouldn't be able to help. One way traffic there.
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow "
    • Lover of Lycra
    • By Lover of Lycra 7th Jan 18, 10:16 AM
    • 158 Posts
    • 727 Thanks
    Lover of Lycra
    I get the point about your brother choosing a more expensive restaurant. That's up to your mum to speak up if she only wants to pay for a chain. But surely you'd have still been the designated drivers whichever restaurant you went to?
    Originally posted by maman
    Yes my mum should have put her foot down but for an easy life she just says yes. It happened a lot when we were young which is why I guess he still throws tantrums as an adult. For example, when I took them on on holiday he had a massive tantrum at the airport which was all my fault apparently. I like getting to the airport in plenty of time whereas my brother flies by the seat of his pants and is known to regularly miss busses, trains, planes, turn up late for job interviews, etc. I don't smoke so it didn't register with me that there is nowhere to smoke after security at this particular airport. Him not being able to have a cigarette was all my fault because I got them to the airport "too early."

    I end up being the designated driver because my parents live in a small village where public transport, particularly in the evenings, is poor and whilst we could get a taxi my dad is one of those people who has an issue with using taxis (waste of money etc etc). When I come to visit I stay with my parents so it's a taxi or someone drives. My dad can't see well enough to drive at night and when my dad is a passenger in their car my mum is a nervous wreck driving so I end up doing it. My brother's family live elsewhere and yes should really be paying for their own transportation but then if I'm taking my car (with dad as a passenger) she will drive her car.
    Last edited by Lover of Lycra; 07-01-2018 at 10:20 AM.
    • Lover of Lycra
    • By Lover of Lycra 7th Jan 18, 10:28 AM
    • 158 Posts
    • 727 Thanks
    Lover of Lycra
    But you dont need to take responsibility for everything - I mean, don't be the designated driver, get a taxi or have a drink and relax - I mean they are all adults and should be able to get themselves home safely. It is not your problem who enjoys themselves and who doesnt
    Originally posted by ska lover
    You are absolutely right, I shouldn't take responsibility for everything. I do it to keep the peace. If my parents want my brother's family to be involved then someone else has to foot the bill. They are genuinely rubbish with money. My parents are forever paying for things that as adults they should be paying for themselves such as carpets (the HA flat they rent had bare floorboard when they moved in), furniture for the children's bedrooms, a new washing machine, the list goes on. My mum's rationale is that she does it for their children because she wants them to be warm at night and go to school with clean clothes. Dad says they can't keep subsidising them but they will because they don't want their grandchildren going without.

    My brother once made some comment about his inheritance to which mum replied, "what inheritance? You'll have spent long before we die."

    If it bothers you enough that you subsidise your family's expensive eating & drinking habits, say 'no' to their restaurant suggestions.
    And tell them you'll pay for what you eat & drink.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Then my brother's family won't come and I think that would upset my parents for certain events. When my parents are no longer here my brother will be getting jackshit off me.
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