Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Dec 17, 9:21 PM
    • 125Posts
    • 51Thanks
    frannyj543
    Anyone else found it difficult to connect with OH family?
    • #1
    • 7th Dec 17, 9:21 PM
    Anyone else found it difficult to connect with OH family? 7th Dec 17 at 9:21 PM
    Hey folks.

    Having come from basically a 2 person family (myself and my mum), with very little father influence and no brothers or sisters I find myself very non other family orientated.

    It can come across as stand offish which I think I have abit of a problem with anyway but I just don't value or see the need for OH to be constantly living in her families pockets.

    They are a great family close 2 parents 2 kids family, absolutely no problems, no finances, no adultery nothing your perfect family.

    However I just can't connect. I have abit of a language issue as they dont speak my language and I only speak abit of theirs but I honestly dont think it would make much difference.

    I feel almost put out when we have to spend anymore than an hour or two there. If we do I usually end up going into another room to watch football. My OH has noticed and says it looks like a chore when we go there and being honest it is.

    I'm just really not a family person. When I do visit my father its for an hour and home. If I visit an auntie or meet in the street it's 10-15 mins and that's it.

    Has anyone else faced this and how have you improved the situation? Any books or methods you think would help?
Page 1
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Dec 17, 9:22 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    frannyj543
    • #2
    • 7th Dec 17, 9:22 PM
    • #2
    • 7th Dec 17, 9:22 PM
    Sorry i have also lost my mother 10 months ago so I am and would consider myself on my own family wise.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 7th Dec 17, 10:35 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 312 Thanks
    JayJay100
    • #3
    • 7th Dec 17, 10:35 PM
    • #3
    • 7th Dec 17, 10:35 PM
    Is it just family, or can you be the same with friends?
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Dec 17, 10:46 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    frannyj543
    • #4
    • 7th Dec 17, 10:46 PM
    • #4
    • 7th Dec 17, 10:46 PM
    To be honest I'm the type of person who has maybe 6-7 close friends. Apart from that everyone else is merely like an acquaintance. Someone to play against in tennis or someone to socialise a little with.

    Very few people get into me emotionally. I would consider myself quite unemotional and I despair when people are over dramatic about their emotions. If I dont understand why someone is crying over their 2 week old bf dumping them I tend to have no time for them.

    I would be also slightly socially awkward. If I know someone well or feel comfortable I am great to be with. However if I don't feel connected to someone I tend to be very stand offish.

    I don't get uncomfortable with silence. I'm just abit of a weirdo lol
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 7th Dec 17, 11:19 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 312 Thanks
    JayJay100
    • #5
    • 7th Dec 17, 11:19 PM
    • #5
    • 7th Dec 17, 11:19 PM
    To be honest I'm the type of person who has maybe 6-7 close friends. Apart from that everyone else is merely like an acquaintance. Someone to play against in tennis or someone to socialise a little with.

    Very few people get into me emotionally. I would consider myself quite unemotional and I despair when people are over dramatic about their emotions. If I dont understand why someone is crying over their 2 week old bf dumping them I tend to have no time for them.

    I would be also slightly socially awkward. If I know someone well or feel comfortable I am great to be with. However if I don't feel connected to someone I tend to be very stand offish.

    I don't get uncomfortable with silence. I'm just abit of a weirdo lol
    Originally posted by frannyj543
    That's not a weirdo, it's just a different approach, and one that I get, to a degree. My ex's family always felt over the top to me; quite loud, very huggy, loved nothing more than a party with loads of alcohol, photos at every opportunity, and if they could drag a karaoke machine out, so much the better: I'm quiet, don't really hug people, don't drink much, hate having my photo taken and can't sing for toffee. I'm sure you can imagine how well that went down.

    With my ex, I came clean and told him how uncomfortable I was. We came to an agreement that I would attend all the parties, be hugged and have a few drinks, but I'd draw the line at photos and Karaoke. We had a safe word for when I couldn't stand it any more, and wanted to leave, but I didn't ever use it. Eventually, I got used to it; never loved it like they did, but could enjoy myself to a degree. It was never enough for his mum though; she thought I was stuck-up cow, and we never really got over that.

    In the end, I think it's a question of how much you're prepared to do for your OH, how much understanding your OH has for your situation, and how much she wants you to do. Just because it's different to you, or you don't understand it, it doesn't make it wrong.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Dec 17, 11:37 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    frannyj543
    • #6
    • 7th Dec 17, 11:37 PM
    • #6
    • 7th Dec 17, 11:37 PM
    Yeah I see my OH and her family sometimes getting on like teenagers. My OH is 31 and when her parents still shout at her over stupid things. My relationship with my mother was quite formal. Close but no hugs, no I love yous. We knew we mattered to each other but neither spouted love and affection.

    Probably as I am not like that at all. I believe if I have kids it will be different because I believe that I will think of it as a piece of me. Something that is mine and I can play an important part on the development. I don't want to be adopted into a family.

    Life's been so complex for me like Every One has during a year or two where everything happens. Bad and good. Would love to pack my bags travel the world for a year or two and see what that experience brings personally and mentally. I think about it everyday but I also contemplate how lucky I am in my current position.

    Late 20s crisis maybe lol.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 7th Dec 17, 11:48 PM
    • 5,504 Posts
    • 24,972 Thanks
    thorsoak
    • #7
    • 7th Dec 17, 11:48 PM
    • #7
    • 7th Dec 17, 11:48 PM
    My OH was an only child and his parents were both only children themselves - so he didn't even have cousins. I have 4 siblings - one older brother, three younger sisters, plus 10 assorted aunts and uncles and 10-15 cousins. Fortunately (for my OH) we didn't live close to aunts/uncles and cousins, but it was traumatic enough for him when we would visit my parents and, to be honest, he was upset at the lack of attention that his presence caused! It became somewhat easier once my sisters acquired boyfriends/husbands and he could have a little "tribe of outlaws" as he put it. Any antagonism in the relationship was in his head, and it was purely because he was used to being the centre of his parents' world, and he could not accept it that in a family of five, the centre of the universe was Mum!

    Its different dynamics, that's all.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 8th Dec 17, 8:45 AM
    • 169 Posts
    • 312 Thanks
    JayJay100
    • #8
    • 8th Dec 17, 8:45 AM
    • #8
    • 8th Dec 17, 8:45 AM
    Yeah I see my OH and her family sometimes getting on like teenagers. My OH is 31 and when her parents still shout at her over stupid things. My relationship with my mother was quite formal. Close but no hugs, no I love yous. We knew we mattered to each other but neither spouted love and affection.

    Probably as I am not like that at all. I believe if I have kids it will be different because I believe that I will think of it as a piece of me. Something that is mine and I can play an important part on the development. I don't want to be adopted into a family.

    Life's been so complex for me like Every One has during a year or two where everything happens. Bad and good. Would love to pack my bags travel the world for a year or two and see what that experience brings personally and mentally. I think about it everyday but I also contemplate how lucky I am in my current position.

    Late 20s crisis maybe lol.
    Originally posted by frannyj543
    Teenagers! That's a really good way of describing it. They too adopted of policy of whoever shouted the loudest won the argument. I wasn't used to that. As a family, I wouldn't say our relationship was formal, but we didn't shout; we sat down and discussed problems, and we'd always done that. Hugs were there if you wanted them, but only tended to be if I was poorly, which was my choice; quite strange in a way, as my mum is quite huggy with other members of her family. We never say we love each other, but there isn't a need to: we just know that we do.

    Kids can be a bit of an unknown, and the way you are with them, might surprise you. I only have my step son, but the way I am with him, is completely different to the way I thought I'd be. I thought it would be a situation that was part of the deal of being with the OH; not really what I wanted, and something to be tolerated. I'd heard so many horror stories from my friends, who had taken on teenagers, there was a degree of dread there. Instead, we hit it off from day one, and I got an amazing addition to my life. The biggest shock to me was that I really did love him: not that I'd tell him, though. I do tell him that I'm incredibly proud of him, and I have been known to squeal down the phone when he's called with good news. Now that is weird for me.

    If you've been through a bad couple of years, and you've suffered the major loss that you have, it can make you rethink everything. The pack your bags and travel thing can be a natural reaction, as a way of getting away from all the rubbish things that have happened/are happening. Have you always wanted to travel? Do you mean alone, or would you like your OH to go too?

    Getting back to the OH's family, it's never going to be a natural fit for you. I think you have to accept that they are never going to change, and that you can't expect your OH to choose between you. Try and work out how much you think can tolerate, double it, and see if you could still cope. With my ex, it was worth it, because it was only one afternoon a week, plus a party or gathering every three weeks or so (felt like a lot more, at the time). I have to admit that when we broke up, I used the thought of not having to deal with his family as a major plus point, to help me through it.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 8th Dec 17, 10:59 AM
    • 2,552 Posts
    • 6,225 Thanks
    ska lover
    • #9
    • 8th Dec 17, 10:59 AM
    • #9
    • 8th Dec 17, 10:59 AM
    I could have written your first post OP. My husbands family do everything together, where my family are very different.. almost cold


    I find it suffocating and cannot get involved to the extent that the rest of them are, booking group holidays like the rest of them - one sibling even had a group honeymoon.


    I even find a visit tedious as they are always extended, like six to eight hours - its a whole day gone! When I work 50+ hours a week, spending one entire day of a weekend sitting on someone elses sofa is ludicrous!!


    I find myself making excuses sometimes, when I really cannot face it.


    I feel awful as they are very nice people. I just feel disconnected and fake when I try
    Blah blah blah.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 8th Dec 17, 12:57 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Jay jay, I've always had the real dream and urge to travel alone. I did do the working holiday thing to Australia and visited abit of S.E.A on the way.

    However as I have got older and probably am creeping towards what i think would be my last few years to do an extended trip I think about it everyday.

    I also now have the finances in place where i could go for 12-18months without work. I am very much a realist however when it comes to travel I sometimes dream of the map. Like going to lots of weird and wonderful places. Nepal and talk to the old climbers of Everest. The street people of India. Teaching English over a Chinese in Beijing. I read alot of travel books and although most are glorified I find myself getting inspired by the man/woman who packed in everything at 30 and travelled for 1-2 years or more and came across adventures and an appreciation of life or found a career they were passionate in.

    Ska lover I get you completely. My biggest problem is I'd that I am the worst actor in the world. If when I am disconnected or bored somewhere my face may as well shout out, shut up people and let me leave. Lol.

    I will always try to avoid big get togethers. My OH is very family orientated to the point where even now she likes going on holidays with them and stuff. It's a really good thing in my opinion but it just isnt me. Once I got 16 I no longer wanted family holidays.

    When i compare my upbringing to my other halfs they couldn't be more different. The only similarity is we both went to university. The rest completely different. We like the same things in general sports, travel but whereas I want to go to obscure places of the beaten trek she wants the cities. I love cities too love the atmosphere but cities that aren't typical. You maybe belgrades/rigas/budapests as opposed to Paris/Amsterdam.

    I guess too I feel abit guilty as I find it also hard to be ultra nice to other people's parents when I wasnt like that with my mother. I wasnt nasty but I just wasn't the lovey dovey son like my OH is with her family.

    Christmas is coming which i think is why i posted this as to be honest I'm dreading it. It's sad to say but I'd rather be alone at Christmas than have big get togethers.
    • robpw2
    • By robpw2 8th Dec 17, 1:01 PM
    • 12,487 Posts
    • 26,111 Thanks
    robpw2
    my oh family dont want to know - they didnt even come to the wedding sadly religion for some is more important than there own children


    Slimming world start 28/01/2012 starting weight 21st 2.5lb current weight 17st 9-total loss 3st 7.5lb
    Slimmer of the month February , March ,April
    • missprice
    • By missprice 8th Dec 17, 1:04 PM
    • 3,285 Posts
    • 97,751 Thanks
    missprice
    My OH was an only child and his parents were both only children themselves - so he didn't even have cousins. I have 4 siblings - one older brother, three younger sisters, plus 10 assorted aunts and uncles and 10-15 cousins. Fortunately (for my OH) we didn't live close to aunts/uncles and cousins, but it was traumatic enough for him when we would visit my parents and, to be honest, he was upset at the lack of attention that his presence caused! It became somewhat easier once my sisters acquired boyfriends/husbands and he could have a little "tribe of outlaws" as he put it. Any antagonism in the relationship was in his head, and it was purely because he was used to being the centre of his parents' world, and he could not accept it that in a family of five, the centre of the universe was Mum!

    Its different dynamics, that's all.
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    Meh you just managed to sum up my whole problem with my in-laws in one sentence. Damn you. I been an eon wondering why I don't much like them despite the fact they are so very vanilla and as inoffensive as can be. It's cos I am an only with no relatives to speak of, and they are a large ish family with countless uncles/aunts/cousins/2nd cousins etc.
    I only go to the important events, a 0 birthday, a 0 wedding anniversary and the like. I even get out of Christmas. My OH can visit as often as he likes, I just don't go with every time.
    To OP why don't you do the same, just not visit every event, takes the pressure off if you know you will only visit 2 or 3 times.
    84 mortgage payments to go.

    Zero wins 2016 😥
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 8th Dec 17, 1:10 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 312 Thanks
    JayJay100
    I could have written your first post OP. My husbands family do everything together, where my family are very different.. almost cold


    I find it suffocating and cannot get involved to the extent that the rest of them are, booking group holidays like the rest of them - one sibling even had a group honeymoon.


    I even find a visit tedious as they are always extended, like six to eight hours - its a whole day gone! When I work 50+ hours a week, spending one entire day of a weekend sitting on someone elses sofa is ludicrous!!


    I find myself making excuses sometimes, when I really cannot face it.


    I feel awful as they are very nice people. I just feel disconnected and fake when I try
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Oh, I'd forgotten the horror of this! We all went on holiday together and it was hell. My ex's mum marched into our bedroom with a cup of tea for each of us, and sat on the bed for a chat, not remotely phased by the fact I was starkers and trying to scramble under the sheet she was sat on. A couple of minutes later, the ex's dad wandered in and sat down too. At one point in the trip, my ex's sister wandered in wearing a very pretty top; I told her that I had one just like it, and she said she knew, and it was my top. They didn't mean anything by it, it was just the way they were.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 8th Dec 17, 1:25 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Yeah it's funny like the contrast in family dynamics.

    Funny old world we live in. I would love to only visit 2 or 3 times a year however another big problem is.......the only live basically a 1 minute walk away. Lol. Can't even go to the shop without bumping into them ans having a 20 minute conversation on the street. Just one of those things like but no doubt I may prove a problem later on down the road.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 8th Dec 17, 1:28 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 312 Thanks
    JayJay100
    Jay jay, I've always had the real dream and urge to travel alone. I did do the working holiday thing to Australia and visited abit of S.E.A on the way.

    However as I have got older and probably am creeping towards what i think would be my last few years to do an extended trip I think about it everyday.

    I also now have the finances in place where i could go for 12-18months without work. I am very much a realist however when it comes to travel I sometimes dream of the map. Like going to lots of weird and wonderful places. Nepal and talk to the old climbers of Everest. The street people of India. Teaching English over a Chinese in Beijing. I read alot of travel books and although most are glorified I find myself getting inspired by the man/woman who packed in everything at 30 and travelled for 1-2 years or more and came across adventures and an appreciation of life or found a career they were passionate in.

    Ska lover I get you completely. My biggest problem is I'd that I am the worst actor in the world. If when I am disconnected or bored somewhere my face may as well shout out, shut up people and let me leave. Lol.

    I will always try to avoid big get togethers. My OH is very family orientated to the point where even now she likes going on holidays with them and stuff. It's a really good thing in my opinion but it just isnt me. Once I got 16 I no longer wanted family holidays.

    When i compare my upbringing to my other halfs they couldn't be more different. The only similarity is we both went to university. The rest completely different. We like the same things in general sports, travel but whereas I want to go to obscure places of the beaten trek she wants the cities. I love cities too love the atmosphere but cities that aren't typical. You maybe belgrades/rigas/budapests as opposed to Paris/Amsterdam.

    I guess too I feel abit guilty as I find it also hard to be ultra nice to other people's parents when I wasnt like that with my mother. I wasnt nasty but I just wasn't the lovey dovey son like my OH is with her family.

    Christmas is coming which i think is why i posted this as to be honest I'm dreading it. It's sad to say but I'd rather be alone at Christmas than have big get togethers.
    Originally posted by frannyj543
    Have you told your OH how you feel? This is your first Christmas without your mum, and it wouldn't be unreasonable to do what you want to do this year. Does your OH understand how you feel in general? Are there things that can be compromised on? Find some middle ground?

    As for the travelling, I would try and work out if it's a genuine desire, or a form of escapism. If it's a genuine desire, and you have the means to do it, you may find you become resentful if you don't do it.

    I think that a lot of this comes down to how strong your feelings are for your OH.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 8th Dec 17, 3:08 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Have always dreamed of travelling but I must admit it has gotten stronger so could easily be escapism. Or the sheer fact I'm 30, I have the means, I'm not sad or depressed here but I am what I consider at a crossroads.

    It seems my choice is settle here accept life as it is and really consider do I want a family over the next 3-4 years or do I want that year or 2 travel to explore the world and everything it offers and maybe struggle to ever have a family.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 8th Dec 17, 3:34 PM
    • 7,874 Posts
    • 26,766 Thanks
    Primrose
    Franny, I read your other recent post and it seems this dilemma of settle and socialise, or escape and travel is still very much preoccupying you.
    Have you ever been diagnosed as autistic to any degree. A lot of the traits you admit to ie, liking your own company, feeling uncomfortable with socialising etc often fall somewhere in this spectrum.

    I think it’s time to be honest with your partner. Part of you just wants to escape and ai think if you don’t so your travelling now and get it out of your system it will slowly eat away at you. Your personality isnt going to change magically overnight. Of you’re struggling with these dilemmas in ten years time you going to become a pretty trapped and resentful person. It sounds as if you and your partner come from opposite personality perspectives in many ways. If you’re still going to have these feelings further down the line the good things about your relationship by then will probably have slowly eroded in an undercurrent of resentment that life is passing you by.
    Last edited by Primrose; 08-12-2017 at 4:36 PM.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 8th Dec 17, 4:31 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Hey not autistic at all.

    I think it stems from being an only child. Being very comfortable with my own company. Dont get me wrong I like busy cities, I like a small social buzz. When I was younger I was comfortable in sports teams and was very effective.

    I think as I got older I realised that I just didn't like everyone's fuss. I am quite a reserved unemotional person. I'm someone who doesn t get that excited by anything apart from travel and my favourite sports team. That's about it.

    I have some big decisions to make regarding the travel but at this moment i have to balance a stable relationship and the goodness that brings combined with a few holidays a year.....or a long wanderlust travel without my other half that may or may not live up to the expectations but I will be able to sit in 5-10 years and say I had a dream and I lived it. And maybe now I'm 40 and on my own and things could have been different but who knows.
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 8th Dec 17, 5:59 PM
    • 15,389 Posts
    • 21,010 Thanks
    pinkshoes
    However I just can't connect. I have abit of a language issue as they dont speak my language and I only speak abit of theirs but I honestly dont think it would make much difference.

    I feel almost put out when we have to spend anymore than an hour or two there. If we do I usually end up going into another room to watch football. My OH has noticed and says it looks like a chore when we go there and being honest it is.
    Originally posted by frannyj543
    Could you not attempt to learn a bit of their language?

    (I'm thinking she has foreign parents who live in the uk but haven't bothered to learn English??)

    Going off into another room to watch footy is rude! Your OHs family is clearly important to her so I think you should make more of an effort.

    Offer to make tea? Attempt to share their interests?
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 8th Dec 17, 6:28 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    frannyj543
    No I'm in their country have been just over a year. I can speak the basics and am doing 3 classes a week but it's not easy combined with working 40+ hours.

    It's either go into another room or sit there with a sour face. Imagine sitting with say your bf/gfs friends all talking about football or something your not interested in. Now imagine they are speaking another language. Youd reach to your phone more often than once.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

213Posts Today

1,399Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • Have a lovely weekend folks. Don't do anything (fiscally) that I wouldn't do!

  • RT @thismorning: With his last deals of the year, @MartinSLewis wishes us all a 'very merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah and a wonderful and?

  • RT @stoneygran: @MartinSLewis I furtively used a pub toilet last night before getting on the bus and felt really guilty!

  • Follow Martin