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  • FIRST POST
    • AlisonW
    • By AlisonW 7th Dec 17, 8:08 PM
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    AlisonW
    Birthday cards for recently bereaved
    • #1
    • 7th Dec 17, 8:08 PM
    Birthday cards for recently bereaved 7th Dec 17 at 8:08 PM
    I'm struggling to find appropriate birthday cards for my friend's children ( young adults ). She died a couple of months ago and 'happy birthday ' etc. seems really unsuitable. I'm also struggling as to what to write in the cards.
    I'm stuck in a bit of a can't do right for fear of doing wrong mindset and at this rate the cards will be late which will make things worse.
    I am also aware that I might be over thinking this too much.
    Advice very gratefully recieved.
Page 1
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Dec 17, 8:31 PM
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    frannyj543
    • #2
    • 7th Dec 17, 8:31 PM
    • #2
    • 7th Dec 17, 8:31 PM
    Hey I can understand your worries about sending something that says basically something that won't be true.

    On the other hand as hard as life is the best way for people to move on is normality. My mother died 10 months ago. The one thing I did miss was a birthday card from here. I could have been at the bottom of the ocean and she would have still got it to me. I have basically no other family so it meant a lot.

    Pick a nice birthday card but not one full of explosiveness and colours and pictures of smiles and laughter. One that says happy birthday but abit subtle.

    Write something sincere and meaningful but at the same time try not to show your thinking and directing towards knowing it will not be a happy birthday.
    • McKneff
    • By McKneff 7th Dec 17, 8:46 PM
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    McKneff
    • #3
    • 7th Dec 17, 8:46 PM
    • #3
    • 7th Dec 17, 8:46 PM
    just a blank inside card, subtle like, and just write inside

    Just to let you know I am thinking of you on your birthday.
    make the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
    and we will never, ever return.
    • AlisonW
    • By AlisonW 7th Dec 17, 10:11 PM
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    AlisonW
    • #4
    • 7th Dec 17, 10:11 PM
    • #4
    • 7th Dec 17, 10:11 PM
    Buy a nice 'Thinking Of You' card, write how sorry you are that their mum isn't there to share their birthday, followed by a lovely comment about her or a sweet memory or occasion you shared with her.

    Don't skirt round the fact that she has died, wish them a peaceful day with happy memories of mum.

    Personally though, I think you should only send a card at all if you would ordinarily have sent a birthday card.
    Originally posted by SevenOfNine
    I've always have
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 8th Dec 17, 7:39 AM
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    Pollycat
    • #5
    • 8th Dec 17, 7:39 AM
    • #5
    • 8th Dec 17, 7:39 AM
    Buy a nice 'Thinking Of You' card, write how sorry you are that their mum isn't there to share their birthday, followed by a lovely comment about her or a sweet memory or occasion you shared with her.

    Don't skirt round the fact that she has died, wish them a peaceful day with happy memories of mum.

    Personally though, I think you should only send a card at all if you would ordinarily have sent a birthday card.
    Originally posted by SevenOfNine
    I'd only do that on this birthday occasion if you didn't send/give your condolences at the time of your friend's death.
    And it sounds to me like you probably did if you are in the habit of sending birthday cards to her children.

    I'm sure you can find a nice card, it doesn't have to be a specific birthday one.
    Just write what McKneff suggests.
    I'm sure it will be appreciated.
    • Margot123
    • By Margot123 8th Dec 17, 9:14 AM
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    Margot123
    • #6
    • 8th Dec 17, 9:14 AM
    • #6
    • 8th Dec 17, 9:14 AM
    You are such a thoughtful person that you may be over-thinking.

    If they are young adults, then they will be receiving cards from their friends with colourful images, bottles of celebratory champers etc. They may even been out partying till the small hours. Their lives will carry on even though the loss is recent.

    I'd just send a straightforward regular card, they will appreciate you remembering their Birthday, and it will be another to put on the windowsill. It will be nice for them as individuals to be the focus of attention.
    • LEJC
    • By LEJC 8th Dec 17, 9:45 AM
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    LEJC
    • #7
    • 8th Dec 17, 9:45 AM
    • #7
    • 8th Dec 17, 9:45 AM
    I think you have been very thoughtful in your concerns and it does depend on individual situations,but having been in a position where we lost someone very close near my own birthday I can honestly say I appreciated every single card or acknowledgement I received at the time,

    Yes it's difficult to truly celebrate because you will always be missing that person,but it's a whole lot worse when you realise that someone stops marking your birthday because someone who was the link between you all is no longer here.

    If you don't feel comfortable with a gushing card then there are some lovely non specific cards with nothing inside ...what you write is up to you....but the knowledge that the friendship link has not been broken will be of more importance
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    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 8th Dec 17, 12:15 PM
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    Malthusian
    • #8
    • 8th Dec 17, 12:15 PM
    • #8
    • 8th Dec 17, 12:15 PM
    Unless the OP's friends are in a really dark place they will most likely be absolutely fine with receiving traditional "Happy Birthday" cards.

    Maybe I would be slightly miffed if it was one of those "humourous" cards that says something like "It's your birthday! Time to get p---ed!" when I didn't feel like doing any such thing, but I consider those cards stupid anyway.

    Personally I would feel a bit conflicted to receive a card along the lines of SevenOfNine's suggestion, focusing on my mum's death rather than my own birthday. I would appreciate that their heart was in the right place but I wouldn't appreciate the presumption that I would still be stricken with grief.

    If you want to be absolutely safe I would buy a non-specific card and write "Wishing you all the best on your Birthday" inside.
    • CRANKY40
    • By CRANKY40 8th Dec 17, 6:19 PM
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    CRANKY40
    • #9
    • 8th Dec 17, 6:19 PM
    • #9
    • 8th Dec 17, 6:19 PM
    Blank card with "birthday hugs" or "thinking of you on you birthday" depending on how close you are. The first Christmas after MrC died I put all the "Happy Christmas" cards in the bin because his funeral was in November and I wasn't happy.....I kept the ones with handwritten messages in though.
    • SevenOfNine
    • By SevenOfNine 8th Dec 17, 7:03 PM
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    SevenOfNine
    Personally I would feel a bit conflicted to receive a card along the lines of SevenOfNine's suggestion, focusing on my mum's death rather than my own birthday. I would appreciate that their heart was in the right place but I wouldn't appreciate the presumption that I would still be stricken with grief.
    Originally posted by Malthusian
    Actually, I was speaking from direct experience following the loss of a family member who was, & always will be, deeply loved & missed. There's nothing worse than receiving a card that pretends nothing tragic has happened.
    Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
    • Trina90
    • By Trina90 8th Dec 17, 8:57 PM
    • 130 Posts
    • 157 Thanks
    Trina90
    just a blank inside card, subtle like, and just write inside

    Just to let you know I am thinking of you on your birthday.
    Originally posted by McKneff
    This ^

    My dad passed away only six days before my birthday this year. Most cards were 'happy birthday' ones but I did receive a blank card from someone - this is what I would do if in that situation myself.
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    • AlisonW
    • By AlisonW 9th Dec 17, 9:38 AM
    • 634 Posts
    • 392 Thanks
    AlisonW
    Thanks to all the above advice.
    I sent the cards yesterday. It took my three visits to the card shop to find something I was happy to send. Luckily there is a decent card shop within walking distance. Choice not helped though as half the space is currently given over to Christmas cards.
    I realised that another thing causing my procrastination and over thinking is the fact of course my friend isn't there to send a Christmas card to.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 9th Dec 17, 10:13 AM
    • 18,553 Posts
    • 47,759 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I'm sure the cards will be appreciated.
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