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  • FIRST POST
    • ForeverAwake
    • By ForeverAwake 5th Dec 17, 7:59 PM
    • 38Posts
    • 9Thanks
    ForeverAwake
    Am I being used by my family?
    • #1
    • 5th Dec 17, 7:59 PM
    Am I being used by my family? 5th Dec 17 at 7:59 PM
    My sister asked to borrow £50 until next day to prevent overdraft fees due to direct debit. I agreed and transferred the money.

    Four weeks later.. no mention of it. She did this last year too. I’m worried I’ll get the “it’s Christmas and I’ve got kids.. I’ll pay you back £10 a week soon” scenario. I think that’s terrible to ask to “borrow” money from someone with no intention of paying it back.

    She also opened a birthday card that was meant for me from a friend and took gift money out and spent it.

    My mother asked to borrow £300 towards a car, however when I asked for the money back she said “I’ve got an enough money”, “I wanted her to have the car”, and “you can use the car for driving lessons”.

    I’m worried they feel “entitled” to money from me because I’ve done well in my job recently.
Page 2
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 6th Dec 17, 8:46 PM
    • 15,387 Posts
    • 21,007 Thanks
    pinkshoes
    You are behaving like a doormat and they are taking advantage of this and had no intention of paying you back.

    Forget all previous debts, but NEVER lend them money again.
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 7th Dec 17, 1:19 AM
    • 1,266 Posts
    • 1,873 Thanks
    pearl123
    Just say in future that you can’t give the money as you put yours in a fixed rate bond and can’t get at it. Lie tell them it’s in the Post Office.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 7th Dec 17, 8:16 AM
    • 18,565 Posts
    • 47,785 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Just say in future that you can’t give the money as you put yours in a fixed rate bond and can’t get at it. Lie tell them it’s in the Post Office.
    Originally posted by pearl123
    Why should the OP lie?

    She should simply say 'no' if she doesn't want to lend or doesn't think she'll get the money back.
    It sounds like a little assertiveness wouldn't go amiss.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 7th Dec 17, 8:46 AM
    • 2,844 Posts
    • 2,875 Thanks
    cjdavies
    In future it's no.

    However happened last year and you loaned again!
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 7th Dec 17, 11:12 AM
    • 1,266 Posts
    • 1,873 Thanks
    pearl123
    Why should the OP lie?

    She should simply say 'no' if she doesn't want to lend or doesn't think she'll get the money back.
    It sounds like a little assertiveness wouldn't go amiss.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Sometimes family/friends won't take no for an answer which is why a good excuse can in handy! Some people just can't take no for an answer.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 7th Dec 17, 11:20 AM
    • 18,565 Posts
    • 47,785 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Sometimes family/friends won't take no for an answer which is why a good excuse can in handy! Some people just can't take no for an answer.
    Originally posted by pearl123
    I disagree.

    It's more that some people can't say 'no' and make somebody else understand that they mean 'no'.
    Nobody can force somebody to give/lend them money against their will - that's breaking the law.

    The OP needs to change her attitude towards her family's requests or demands.
    And lying isn't the way.
    • Starrystarrynight1
    • By Starrystarrynight1 8th Dec 17, 1:20 PM
    • 134 Posts
    • 267 Thanks
    Starrystarrynight1
    You've recognised that your family are taking advantage of you, OP, or you wouldn't have posted. Now you need to do something about it.

    Like they say, you can't change how people behave, you can only change how you respond to them. If you're not comfortable saying no outright next time, make up some excuse, like you've opened a savings bond.

    Think about how much your family don't care about hurting you. Your own sister stole from you and your mother plain laughs you off. You don't owe them your salary so please don't feel bad about saying no.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I used to be Starrystarrynight on MSE, before a log in technical glitch!
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 8th Dec 17, 3:01 PM
    • 6,084 Posts
    • 7,832 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    As others have said, yes, your family are taking advantage of you. They may see it as you having money to spare and assuming you are happy to 'share', but ultimately, it is your money, not theirs. They have no right to it, and you don't owe them any explanation as to how you chose to spend your money,.

    What I would suggest is:

    - Try to start being less open about your own financial position. Just because someone asks you abut what you earn, or what things costs, or whether you have had a raise / bonus, you don't have to answer. Or you can be vague. things like "oh, mustn't grumble' or ' like any other worker - not enough!' or 'I'd prefer not to talk about that, tell me about [their hobby / child / pet"

    - practice saying no. Remains yourself that they are adults, they are responsible for managing their own finances. If you like, practice specific scripts / phrases "Sorry, it won't be possible" "I don't have the budget to be able to lend you anything" or even "I've found that mixing money and family is very stressful, so I've decided not to do it, going forward. I'd rather keep money out of our relationship"

    - remind yourself that you do not owe them an explanation. If you say no to further requests, you don't then have to explain or justify that. If they try to push back, to ask *why* you have said it won't be possible, then you don't have to give them reasons, because it is your money and your choice. So practice that, too. For instance "Like I said, it won't be possible. Let talk about something else" or "As I said, I won't be able to lend you any money. I don't feel comfortable going into further detail. Lets talk about something different"

    - In relation to the earlier loans, you can still ask for those to be repaid. (and if your sister asks for more, then it's fine for you to say "I'm not able to lend you anything further.I'd like you to let me have your proposals for repaying the previous loans I gave you, can you set up a regular payment so it doesn't slip your mind" or alternatively, decide that that money is gone, write it off in your head, and let your sister know - for instance, give her a Christmas card and write in it that you understand that she is a bit short , so as your gift to her, you will write off the £50 / £100 you loaned her and won't expect that to be repaid. If you would typically spend more than that on her Christmas gift, or if you would feel awkward not giving her anything at christmas, then get her something small to give to her on the day.

    (or alternatively, and depending on what you normally spend, you could, when she asks, say to her "No, I won't lend you money, but I haven't bought your christmas gift yet, If you would prefer, I can give you £10 / £20 / £whatever now instead of buying a gift" (which if she is genuinely having difficulty, helps her out)

    Moving forward, it can be very helpful to think of it as a gift. So if someone asks you for money, decide whether you would be happy to give them that (and it's fine to tell them that you'll need to think about it,, to buy yourself some time) then if you decide that you're happy to gift it to them, then you tell them yes, you'll lend it, but in your head think of it as a gift, and of any repayment as a nice surprise.

    Another thing you could do is talk about how and when they are going to pay you back *before* you hand over any money - e.g. "Yes, i can lend you £50 to help you with your chirstmas plans,, I suggest that you then repay it at £10 a week starting on 8th January - does that work for you?" Maybe even write something down and both sign it - not because you necessary can or will enforce it, but because it reinforces for her that it is a lona and not a gift, and that she is expected to repay it.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 8th Dec 17, 3:46 PM
    • 7,872 Posts
    • 26,754 Thanks
    Primrose
    If you are still living at home I,d start saying No and meaning it. I,d also reorganise your life so that you can have financial privacy. Get yourself a lockable combination safe where you can keep your salary slips, bank statements etc or set yourself up for online banking so that they can,t access your financial affairs. Also don't have much easily disposable money, ie. lock your surplus cash away in a pension on an easy access ISA and tell your family that events which have happened in the past have made you decide that going forward you would now prefer to handle your financial life and decisions in an entirely different way.
    • sulphate
    • By sulphate 8th Dec 17, 8:27 PM
    • 1,148 Posts
    • 3,335 Thanks
    sulphate
    I had a friend that was like this - “borrowed” money for various things that I never saw again. I felt sorry for her until I went shopping with her once and she spent £80 in Asda, not on food but things like clothes, dvds etc.

    She then started texting groups of people in her contact list asking for money for rent! My reply was that unless she learnt to manage money by herself she’d always expect people to bail her out.

    She never asked again and it was a valuable lesson for me: don’t lend money that you expect back.
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