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  • FIRST POST
    • Hugh_Cumber
    • By Hugh_Cumber 4th Dec 17, 12:06 AM
    • 4Posts
    • 23Thanks
    Hugh_Cumber
    Overbearing overspending parent
    • #1
    • 4th Dec 17, 12:06 AM
    Overbearing overspending parent 4th Dec 17 at 12:06 AM
    Hi all
    First post, hope it’s in the right place.

    I’m posting to ask for peoples opinion on how to deal with an overbearing, Christmas spending obsessed mother.

    Firstly I obviously love my mum and I’m aware this is a very ‘first world’ problem to have, I feel like a !!!! just putting it in to words, but it’s driving me crazy and it only seems to get worse year after year.

    It starts the same way every year, I’m asked what I want for Christmas and I usually just ask for the few books I usually have in my amazon basket and maybe the latest video game, which is always answered with “what else ?”

    Then for the weeks leading up to Christmas I’m bombarded with with pics of random things in shops and messages asking “what about this ?” To which I reply no thank you, please stop.
    This year I’ve been asked would I like a gun and a membership to a gun club ! Because I like those “shooting computer games”. A REAL GUN !!

    So she just buys random things to fill a spending quota.

    I’m always being made out to be the bad guy and that I’m ‘ungrateful’ and a grinch. I’ve told her how much she spends doesn’t equate to how much she loves me but she just won’t stop. My house is filling up with crap I don’t want, need or use and I feel guilty selling it or she sometimes asks “how’s that slow cooker” (it’s fine it’s still in the box).
    I’m thinking of threatening not to come round this Christmas if she doesn’t stop.

    Like I said I feel awful writing this down but it’s how I feel an it’s really getting to me.
    Any ideas or similar experiences ?
    Sorry for rambling on
Page 4
    • svain
    • By svain 5th Dec 17, 5:57 PM
    • 229 Posts
    • 404 Thanks
    svain
    I don't know as I said I only have one child but it seems the OPs mother is having this issue as her other child wants things but the OP doesn't and she feels she needs to spend the same on both. Some posters seem to think the mother is in the wrong for wanting/needing to do this.

    If I had more than one I would be spending the same on each. Come to think of it all my friends do, just one of them makes more of an issue out of it as her children are quite far apart in ages, making it more difficult.
    Originally posted by iammumtoone

    Ah i see the context now
    • svain
    • By svain 5th Dec 17, 6:00 PM
    • 229 Posts
    • 404 Thanks
    svain
    This all feels a little bit of a storm in a tea cup to me. I dont buy into all this psychological cynicism being suggested by some. I think its just a mum who wants to spoil her son.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 5th Dec 17, 6:04 PM
    • 28,641 Posts
    • 72,966 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Isn't it perfectly normal to spend the same on each child?
    Originally posted by svain
    Wanting to spend the same on both is understandable - buying things for one that aren't wanted (year after year) just so the final sum is the same is weird and wasteful.
    • svain
    • By svain 5th Dec 17, 6:08 PM
    • 229 Posts
    • 404 Thanks
    svain
    Wanting to spend the same on both is understandable - buying things for one that aren't wanted (year after year) just so the final sum is the same is weird and wasteful.
    Originally posted by Mojisola

    Does it really matter if its wasteful?? .... If it makes the mum happy and she can afford it, i dont see the issue once a year. If was happening every week it would be a different story
    • lincroft1710
    • By lincroft1710 5th Dec 17, 6:12 PM
    • 10,040 Posts
    • 8,101 Thanks
    lincroft1710
    Does it really matter if its wasteful??
    Originally posted by svain
    Yes..........
    • svain
    • By svain 5th Dec 17, 6:13 PM
    • 229 Posts
    • 404 Thanks
    svain
    Yes..........
    Originally posted by lincroft1710

    Why does it?
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 5th Dec 17, 6:29 PM
    • 854 Posts
    • 1,704 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    I think this is a real first world problem. I expect the Op's mum really wants to make Christmas special for her adult children. If she asks what you want give her a wishlist, maybe create an Amazon one. It is really hard thinking of stuff to buy adults.

    I am probably as guilty of this as the Op's mum. My kids make long lists for me (when prompted) and I pick from those. They don't get everything on the list but they do get what they want and then I add in some surprises, not cheap tat, but things I know they will like and use. It helps that we live quite close to each other so I do have an idea of what they may need at any given time, and they may sometimes be more useful than exciting.

    I don't have a deep-seated psychological issue or reason beyond the fact that I like to give generously at Xmas. Giving gifts which others may deem extravagant is not a sop for relationship issues within the family. We can afford to spend what we do and I enjoy the planning (but not the wrapping!!) We do low key birthday presents, so for us, Christmas is a time for spoiling loved ones.

    I would be very hurt if my adult kids referred to me in the way the OP has in his title post. I know they appreciate everything they get and if they occasionally get something which is not quite to their taste, then as I keep all the receipts it can go back. No big deal.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 5th Dec 17, 6:40 PM
    • 28,641 Posts
    • 72,966 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Why does it?
    Originally posted by svain
    Because mother is buying stuff that isn't needed and making her child feel bad.

    Would you really go on buying presents for someone who had told you again and again that they didn't want the things you were buying them?
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 5th Dec 17, 6:43 PM
    • 854 Posts
    • 1,704 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    Because mother is buying stuff that isn't needed and making her child feel bad.

    Would you really go on buying presents for someone who had told you again and again that they didn't want the things you were buying them?
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Well, why doesn't he tell her what he does want? There must be something, lots of things, that he could put on a list so that she is not left floundering and so picks stuff her doesn't want. If she buys for the other sibling then she has to even it up, even if he doesn't care about parity his mum clearly does.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 5th Dec 17, 7:00 PM
    • 28,641 Posts
    • 72,966 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Well, why doesn't he tell her what he does want?
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    That's been suggested several times as a partial solution but it doesn't change the fact that she is doing something that upsets him - "I'm going to give you all these gifts even though you've told me you don't want them and they upset you".

    Would any rational person really go on buying presents for someone who had told you again and again that they didn't want the things you were buying them?
    Last edited by Mojisola; 05-12-2017 at 7:14 PM.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 5th Dec 17, 7:03 PM
    • 29,848 Posts
    • 55,825 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Why does it?
    Originally posted by svain
    Because it's a waste!!!
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 5th Dec 17, 7:35 PM
    • 2,552 Posts
    • 6,225 Thanks
    ska lover
    Because it's a waste!!!
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    Yes it is, but it doesn't effect any one else, its the ladies money to do with what she wishes - so none of anyone else's business
    Last edited by ska lover; 05-12-2017 at 7:40 PM.
    Blah blah blah.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 5th Dec 17, 7:39 PM
    • 2,552 Posts
    • 6,225 Thanks
    ska lover
    Why is there such a desperate clamouring need to be a victim these days

    It is the done thing these days to make big drama where there is none
    Blah blah blah.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 5th Dec 17, 7:39 PM
    • 2,848 Posts
    • 2,883 Thanks
    cjdavies
    Yes it is, but it doesn't effect any one else, its the ladies money to do with what she wishes
    Originally posted by ska lover
    It affects the OP as they have to get rid of the stuff or store them (my house is small I have no-where to store and hide stuff).
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 5th Dec 17, 7:43 PM
    • 2,552 Posts
    • 6,225 Thanks
    ska lover
    Because mother is buying stuff that isn't needed and making her child feel bad.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Hmm you can't make anyone feel anything. Unless she has superpowers. He is not seeing the good intention in all this, because he chooses not to..a persons reaction to a situation is purely their own choice

    Unless obviously we are talking about a person who blames Mother for everything wrong in his life

    The OP is making himself feel how he feels. The mother is trying to do something nice for him
    Last edited by ska lover; 05-12-2017 at 7:51 PM.
    Blah blah blah.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 5th Dec 17, 7:44 PM
    • 2,552 Posts
    • 6,225 Thanks
    ska lover
    It affects the OP as they have to get rid of the stuff or store them (my house is small I have no-where to store and hide stuff).
    Originally posted by cjdavies
    I doubt he will need an extension for that slow cooker
    Blah blah blah.
    • svain
    • By svain 5th Dec 17, 7:45 PM
    • 229 Posts
    • 404 Thanks
    svain
    Because mother is buying stuff that isn't needed and making her child feel bad.

    Would you really go on buying presents for someone who had told you again and again that they didn't want the things you were buying them?
    Originally posted by Mojisola

    Its once a year for goodness sake .... Unless the mum is spending thousands upon thousands of pounds that she cant afford this really is a non-issue and the OP should just embrace it, show appreciation and thank his mum.
    • ognum
    • By ognum 5th Dec 17, 7:55 PM
    • 4,500 Posts
    • 6,790 Thanks
    ognum
    There is a problem with a relationship when one party says I don’t want a lot spent on me and another person insists.

    It does matter that this lady is wasting her money, this is a money saving site and her money could be better spent by giving it to the homeless or needy than buying unnecessary rubbish.

    The OP should make better suggestions. A meal voucher, a charity subscription, a supermarket voucher or a trip he can do with his mum.

    I have stopped buying the standard gifts for my family and friends, we all have way to much stuff in our lives and generally don’t want the stuff others buy so unless there is a specific gift request then a restaurant voucher, National Trust membership or another treat that I know the recipient wants but no stuff.

    Perhaps the OP can suggest this to his mum.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 5th Dec 17, 8:08 PM
    • 29,848 Posts
    • 55,825 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Yes it is, but it doesn't effect any one else, its the ladies money to do with what she wishes - so none of anyone else's business
    Originally posted by ska lover
    It is, it's the OP's business, if it's him she's wasting it on.

    He needs to suggest things he DOES want, even if it's a charity donation.

    Here's a fun one that also does good:

    https://www.toilettwinning.org/twin-your-toilet/
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 05-12-2017 at 8:11 PM.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 5th Dec 17, 9:13 PM
    • 5,355 Posts
    • 11,019 Thanks
    iammumtoone
    OP have you spoken to your sibling? Do they want/like the amount that is spent on them, maybe they are feeling the same as you?

    If you could aproach your mother together and explain you both would like less spent on your this may help.
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