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  • FIRST POST
    • Hugh_Cumber
    • By Hugh_Cumber 4th Dec 17, 12:06 AM
    • 4Posts
    • 23Thanks
    Hugh_Cumber
    Overbearing overspending parent
    • #1
    • 4th Dec 17, 12:06 AM
    Overbearing overspending parent 4th Dec 17 at 12:06 AM
    Hi all
    First post, hope itís in the right place.

    Iím posting to ask for peoples opinion on how to deal with an overbearing, Christmas spending obsessed mother.

    Firstly I obviously love my mum and Iím aware this is a very Ďfirst worldí problem to have, I feel like a !!!! just putting it in to words, but itís driving me crazy and it only seems to get worse year after year.

    It starts the same way every year, Iím asked what I want for Christmas and I usually just ask for the few books I usually have in my amazon basket and maybe the latest video game, which is always answered with ďwhat else ?Ē

    Then for the weeks leading up to Christmas Iím bombarded with with pics of random things in shops and messages asking ďwhat about this ?Ē To which I reply no thank you, please stop.
    This year Iíve been asked would I like a gun and a membership to a gun club ! Because I like those ďshooting computer gamesĒ. A REAL GUN !!

    So she just buys random things to fill a spending quota.

    Iím always being made out to be the bad guy and that Iím Ďungratefulí and a grinch. Iíve told her how much she spends doesnít equate to how much she loves me but she just wonít stop. My house is filling up with crap I donít want, need or use and I feel guilty selling it or she sometimes asks ďhowís that slow cookerĒ (itís fine itís still in the box).
    Iím thinking of threatening not to come round this Christmas if she doesnít stop.

    Like I said I feel awful writing this down but itís how I feel an itís really getting to me.
    Any ideas or similar experiences ?
    Sorry for rambling on
Page 2
    • ampersand
    • By ampersand 4th Dec 17, 12:15 PM
    • 8,296 Posts
    • 31,717 Thanks
    ampersand
    'Mum, whatever you buy will be going straight to the charity shop - all of it. I'll pick you up and we can take it there together. Then, I'll take you out for lunch/dinner. We'll have a really good day.'
    CAP[UK]for FREE EXPERT DEBT&BUDGET HELP:01274 760720, freephone0800 328 0006
    'People don't want much. They want: "Someone to love, somewhere to live, somewhere to work and something to hope for."
    Norman Kirk, NZLP- Prime Minister, 1972
    ***JE SUIS CHARLIE***
    'It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere' FranÁois-Marie AROUET


    • Hugh_Cumber
    • By Hugh_Cumber 4th Dec 17, 12:24 PM
    • 4 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    Hugh_Cumber
    Reply
    Wow !
    Thank you all for the replyís (both positive and negative).
    I really do feel like a !!!! now.

    Iíll try answer some of the points/questions that have been brought up.

    Yes I know this is a stupid Ďbrattyí thing to be Ďupsetí about which is why its making me feel so bad. I feel angry, guilty and sad about it. It really is getting to me.

    I have a younger sibling, but weíre both in our 30ís.

    Yes she can afford it but thatís not the point.

    Itís quantity over quality, if my sibling seems to have Ďmoreí than me itís seen as a problem by my mum. Regardless of cost. I couldnít care less

    If I do ask for something Iím told thatís not enough and the most expensive version is bought instead. E.g I asked for a kindle one year, was told thatís only cheap, I was bought a tablet instead (which I do use and am very grateful for btw)

    I have tried explaining how it makes me feel and that I know she loves me regardless of the amount she spends but nothing changes.

    Did no one find the gun offer completely mental ? Neither of us live on a farm ?!

    Best way I can describe it is, itís like having a meal, enjoying it, thanking the chef for it.
    Then you are brought another meal and told to eat it, eat more, more, more...

    I donít know, maybe it is me :/
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 4th Dec 17, 12:40 PM
    • 2,549 Posts
    • 6,217 Thanks
    ska lover
    Wow !


    Did no one find the gun offer completely mental ? Neither of us live on a farm ?!
    :/
    Originally posted by Hugh_Cumber


    No. She was trying to do something nice for you and misjudged your interest in having shooting as a hobby. You said no, why is it an ongoing problem? You are actually ridiculing your own mother to strangers, for the crime of suggesting the wrong xmas present


    Giving you gifts clearly gives your mother a great deal of pleasure, and she is trying to make you happy.
    Last edited by ska lover; 04-12-2017 at 12:47 PM.
    Blah blah blah.
    • alk29
    • By alk29 4th Dec 17, 12:55 PM
    • 37 Posts
    • 376 Thanks
    alk29
    Most of my family got with the rule anything is fine if you can wear it, eat it or drink it (of course for food and drink it should be something you like). That way you get presents but it is always something that gets used up / wears out so you don't need to have an ever expanding house to keep it all in...
    • Hugh_Cumber
    • By Hugh_Cumber 4th Dec 17, 1:05 PM
    • 4 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    Hugh_Cumber
    Ska lover
    Iím not ridiculing her at all, Iím trying to show the escalation of her obsessive spending. Itís moved from household items to weaponry !

    How is a gun an appropriate present, in any situation ?
    I live in a city center !
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 4th Dec 17, 1:16 PM
    • 2,549 Posts
    • 6,217 Thanks
    ska lover
    Iím not ridiculing her at all, Iím trying to show the escalation of her obsessive spending. Itís moved from household items to weaponry !

    How is a gun an appropriate present, in any situation ?
    I live in a city center !
    Originally posted by Hugh_Cumber



    Where you live isn't really relevant to being a responsible gun owner



    I know 3 chaps that shoot as a hobby, and live in towns. I don't see what is so ridiculous about it from that perspective as I actually know people that do it and see how responsible they are with it


    It is a hobby, properly licensed shot guns, locked cabinets, and they drive out to the country to do clay pigeon shooting.


    It has nothing to do with where they live. They don't take their shot guns for a walk down the local Sainsbury's - god forbid they would end up getting arrested or worse, and rightly so


    I am sure this responsible gun ownership was what your mother had in mind.
    Blah blah blah.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 4th Dec 17, 1:36 PM
    • 28,630 Posts
    • 72,948 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Best way I can describe it is, itís like having a meal, enjoying it, thanking the chef for it.

    Then you are brought another meal and told to eat it, eat more, more, more...

    I donít know, maybe it is me :/
    Originally posted by Hugh_Cumber
    That's a good analogy - the 'nice' person who is generous is ignoring your wants and needs and everything you say - that's not being nice to you, it's fulfilling some need they have.

    It seems pretty clear that you won't be able to change her so change yourself - let her give you what she wants but stop feeling guilty about moving the gifts on.
    • Slinky
    • By Slinky 4th Dec 17, 1:43 PM
    • 4,758 Posts
    • 20,753 Thanks
    Slinky
    Christmas, although I'm not religious, does seem to be a strange thing to 'celebrate' by buying somebody a gun.
    • cloudy-day
    • By cloudy-day 4th Dec 17, 1:53 PM
    • 233 Posts
    • 550 Thanks
    cloudy-day
    Iím not ridiculing her at all, Iím trying to show the escalation of her obsessive spending. Itís moved from household items to weaponry !

    How is a gun an appropriate present, in any situation ?
    I live in a city center !
    Originally posted by Hugh_Cumber

    I agree with you - totally mental.


    As a Mum I feel you've been given a rough ride on this thread.


    Your mother needs to LISTEN to you.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 4th Dec 17, 2:03 PM
    • 18,538 Posts
    • 47,726 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I agree with you - totally mental.
    Originally posted by cloudy-day
    I can sort-of see where the OP's Mum is coming from.
    I have friends who are keen clay pigeon enthusiasts.
    Your mother needs to LISTEN to you.
    Originally posted by cloudy-day
    I think the OP needs to make his Mum listen to him.

    'Mum, whatever you buy will be going straight to the charity shop - all of it.
    Originally posted by ampersand
    Maybe this is a good start.

    A friend of mine used to buy me lots of silly, waste-of-money gifts that went straight to the charity shop. I think she used to buy them from there in the first place.
    I told her it wasn't necessary to buy me lots of gifts and that one thoughtful gift meant more to me than a great big pile.
    She got the message.
    • Hugh_Cumber
    • By Hugh_Cumber 4th Dec 17, 2:26 PM
    • 4 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    Hugh_Cumber
    Ska lover
    @Ska Lover - Look mate,
    I read your original reply with some introspective interest, of course I like my mother, I love her, itís her behaviour I donít like, and yes Iím probably not blame free either !

    I just wanted to get some outside perspective and to vent, but Iíve obviously hit a nerve because you seem to have a bee in your bonnet with everything I say.

    Twisting this it into an argument about proper gun practices, I really donít care.

    Fair enough you donít agree with me, noted.
    Iíve spent enough time arguing with my mum over this, Iím not getting into another argument with a random bore online.

    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 4th Dec 17, 2:42 PM
    • 1,050 Posts
    • 1,105 Thanks
    badmemory
    I used to find this kind of thing quite upsetting. They ask what you want, so you tell them precisely, only it isn't expensive enough, so they go & buy a "better" make usually in a different colour (even kitchenware). It leaves you being the one feeling bad & they will never understand that you really did want a white kettle not a chrome one or whatever. The bad news is that unless you are prepared to go for a family rift you are stuck with it, she can't help it.

    ETA still got the chrome kettle & I hate it!
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 4th Dec 17, 2:54 PM
    • 29,840 Posts
    • 55,811 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Hi all
    First post, hope itís in the right place.

    Iím posting to ask for peoples opinion on how to deal with an overbearing, Christmas spending obsessed mother.

    Firstly I obviously love my mum and Iím aware this is a very Ďfirst worldí problem to have, I feel like a !!!! just putting it in to words, but itís driving me crazy and it only seems to get worse year after year.

    It starts the same way every year, Iím asked what I want for Christmas and I usually just ask for the few books I usually have in my amazon basket and maybe the latest video game, which is always answered with ďwhat else ?Ē

    Then for the weeks leading up to Christmas Iím bombarded with with pics of random things in shops and messages asking ďwhat about this ?Ē To which I reply no thank you, please stop.
    This year Iíve been asked would I like a gun and a membership to a gun club ! Because I like those ďshooting computer gamesĒ. A REAL GUN !!

    So she just buys random things to fill a spending quota.

    Iím always being made out to be the bad guy and that Iím Ďungratefulí and a grinch. Iíve told her how much she spends doesnít equate to how much she loves me but she just wonít stop. My house is filling up with crap I donít want, need or use and I feel guilty selling it or she sometimes asks ďhowís that slow cookerĒ (itís fine itís still in the box).
    Iím thinking of threatening not to come round this Christmas if she doesnít stop.

    Like I said I feel awful writing this down but itís how I feel an itís really getting to me.
    Any ideas or similar experiences ?
    Sorry for rambling on
    Originally posted by Hugh_Cumber
    It will probably take months to get the gun licence before you can even buy the gun and YOU have to apply for it, not your mum, so that's that one dealt with.

    Would she give you the amount in cash? Then she'd still spend her 'quota' and you will have something useful, whether it be the cash or something you have bought that is your choice.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 4th Dec 17, 3:03 PM
    • 29,840 Posts
    • 55,811 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    I’m not ridiculing her at all, I’m trying to show the escalation of her obsessive spending. It’s moved from household items to weaponry !

    How is a gun an appropriate present, in any situation ?
    I live in a city center !
    Originally posted by Hugh_Cumber
    We live in a city too, and my husband has just been granted his shotgun licence and bought his first gun. He is going clay pigeon shooting with his friend (who also lives in the city). It's not just people who live on farms who have them!
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 04-12-2017 at 3:06 PM.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 4th Dec 17, 3:33 PM
    • 28,630 Posts
    • 72,948 Thanks
    Mojisola
    itís driving me crazy and it only seems to get worse year after year.

    Then for the weeks leading up to Christmas Iím bombarded with with pics of random things in shops and messages asking ďwhat about this ?Ē

    So she just buys random things to fill a spending quota.
    Originally posted by Hugh_Cumber
    You could defuse your feelings by imaging your Mum as Mrs Doyle from Father Ted - she won't take No for an answer, either! If it makes you laugh every time your Mum starts on about another present, you won't get so stressed.

    http://metro.co.uk/2015/04/21/ah-go-on-read-the-10-times-mrs-doyle-was-the-funniest-character-in-father-ted-5159420/
    • chou-chou
    • By chou-chou 4th Dec 17, 3:42 PM
    • 108 Posts
    • 65 Thanks
    chou-chou
    I have a similar thing with my lovely MIL. She has a set amount to spend for each child/spouse and enjoys the buying process but there's really nothing I want/need!

    I end up desperately scanning Amazon for books, DVDs, etc. but I would much rather she kept the money and we just had a few smaller presents. I'm not a great lover of Xmas which may have something to do with it! My OH (in his 50's!!) starts thinking about his Xmas list months before the event - it's just how his family work.

    The gun could come in handy in case of a zombie apocalypse...
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 4th Dec 17, 3:45 PM
    • 2,549 Posts
    • 6,217 Thanks
    ska lover
    @Ska Lover - Look mate,
    I read your original reply with some introspective interest, of course I like my mother, I love her, it’s her behaviour I don’t like, and yes I’m probably not blame free either !

    I just wanted to get some outside perspective and to vent, but I’ve obviously hit a nerve because you seem to have a bee in your bonnet with everything I say.

    Twisting this it into an argument about proper gun practices, I really don’t care.

    Fair enough you don’t agree with me, noted.
    I’ve spent enough time arguing with my mum over this, I’m not getting into another argument with a random bore online.

    Originally posted by Hugh_Cumber

    Who is arguing? I have only explained things to you that you didn't seem to understand, such as gun legalities as you seemed to have some incorrect ideas about them. I am not an expert by far, but I do happen to know people that are involved in this.


    The law wasn't made to personally upset you - I really don't know why you feel you are engaged in an argument about guns. If you make incorrect statements, eventually someone will correct you


    Honestly I am still not sure why you are still raking over this...surely it would be easier for everyone if it went something like this:-


    Mum; 'Do you want a gun for xmas'
    Son: 'No thanks Mum'
    **Everyone moves on with their lives**
    Last edited by ska lover; 04-12-2017 at 3:48 PM.
    Blah blah blah.
    • kingfisherblue
    • By kingfisherblue 4th Dec 17, 3:49 PM
    • 7,404 Posts
    • 15,881 Thanks
    kingfisherblue
    Start making a list as soon as you think of something. When mum asks, you'll be prepared.

    For example, coffee. Mum wants to get you something better than your usual jar of Kenco, so maybe she could get you a catering tub, or a pack of flavoured coffees. You could combine it with an afternoon out together for coffee and cakes.

    Toiletries - ok, so you might use Nivea for Men, but mum wants to spend more, so suggest that she gets you double the amount of your usual shower gel, moisturiser, etc. After all, it will be used over the next few months.

    Regarding the Kindle, if she didn't want to buy you the cheaper version, you could have suggested the Paperwhite and/or an Amazon voucher to spend on Kindle books. Mum might want to add a decent case to protect it as well. In fact, you could suggest that for this Christmas if you wanted. It wouldn't stop you from using your tablet, and reading on a Paperwhite is, in my opinion, much better and kinder to the eyes than reading on an ordinary tablet (and it's often lighter weight too).

    Food - ask for a hamper of food items that maybe you wouldn't buy yourself, but would enjoy. Personally I enjoy a tin of decent biscuits, but would never buy them for myself. You could add in afternoon tea and a trip to the theatre with her.

    Instead of resenting your mum's behaviour, be thankful that you still have her. My mum drives me potty at times, but at 84, I know that she won't live forever. I'm lucky to still have her.

    Incidentally, one of the best gifts that I have received (from my children though, not my mum) was a catering tub of decaff Kenco - something that they knew I would enjoy, it didn't clutter up the cupboards or gather dust, and I could use the tub afterwards in Brownies or Guides! It was expensive for their income, so all the more appreciated.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 4th Dec 17, 3:56 PM
    • 28,630 Posts
    • 72,948 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Instead of resenting your mum's behaviour, be thankful that you still have her. My mum drives me potty at times, but at 84, I know that she won't live forever.
    Originally posted by kingfisherblue
    That kind of emotional blackmail works both ways - someone could tell the mother - what if her offspring died, she'd be so sorry that she caused so much upset every Christmas because she didn't listen.
    • Turtle
    • By Turtle 4th Dec 17, 4:20 PM
    • 940 Posts
    • 2,535 Thanks
    Turtle
    OP I think you're getting a really hard time on here and that behaviour would drive me crazy as well. I can't stand people buying things for the sake of it, we live in a hugely consumerist society and most of it ends up in landfill. I hope you find a way to resolve it and can have a nice Christmas.

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