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  • FIRST POST
    • Newbie Ginnings
    • By Newbie Ginnings 3rd Dec 17, 4:40 PM
    • 16Posts
    • 180Thanks
    Newbie Ginnings
    How do you cope with loneliness?
    • #1
    • 3rd Dec 17, 4:40 PM
    How do you cope with loneliness? 3rd Dec 17 at 4:40 PM
    Is there anyone who doesnít have a family or anyone they ďbelongĒ to? My family have all either died or we don't speak and Iím really struggling to come to terms with being so alone. I lost my dad as a child and my mum 2 years ago. My siblings and I havenít spoken since my mumís death, and my daughter doesnít want to see me after her partner did something that deeply shocked and hurt me. I donít have grandparents, cousins or any other family.

    I have been single for years after a couple of bad relationships that scarred me. Afterwards, I just wanted to concentrate on being a good mum, then in later years it was to build up my career and look after my lovely mum. Now I have no family and spend all my time alone.

    I do have a group of lovely friends, but am very aware that they all have busy lives and donít always have time to spend outside their families, although when we do get together they are wonderful. I find it hard to open up about how I am feeling, so they and my colleagues think I am fine. I get up every day and go to work, and make it appear as if everything is great. And to be fair, I donít want them to feel sorry for me. Anyway, I am more of a listener than a talker. It just gets a bit overwhelming when I come home and am on my own again.

    I do all the usual things, going to the gym, walk the dog, online dating etc. but it isnít really the meeting people I am struggling with, itís not having a family or anybody that I ďbelongĒ to that I am missing. I always thought that by now I would have a husband, more children, grandchildren etc. I have thought about volunteering but I work long hours and anyway I think my state of mind would be more of a hindrance than a help at the moment.

    I have tried to reunite with my family especially my daughter but it is clear that they arenít interested and I canít face trying again only to go through the pain of rejection all over again. Iím in my 40ís and feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. I often go to bed hoping I wonít wake up in the morning. Losing the most important people in my life just hurts so much that nothing else really matters. I know I am still grieving for my mum Ė she was truly my best friend, but also feel like I am grieving for the relationship I used to have with my daughter too.

    I do feel incredibly grateful to have a home, a job and no debt. I know things could be an awful lot worse and some people may think I have nothing really to complain about. I was just wondering if there is anybody else who is alone and has any practical tips on how to cope with the constant loneliness and sadness.

    I think I just need someone to tell me to pull myself together
    X
Page 2
    • 166million
    • By 166million 4th Dec 17, 2:12 PM
    • 1,109 Posts
    • 4,646 Thanks
    166million
    I think I would find someone to be with - a partner. There's lots of nice people out there who are also lonely and looking for someone. Doesn't have to be a passionate love affair.

    I hope you feel better soon. Try and focus on the good things in your life :-)
    **Debt Free as of 15:55 on Friday 23rd March 2012**And I am staying that way
    377 166million Sealed Pot Challenge 2018
    My debt free diary http://http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=3630099
    No. 90: Emergency fund £250
    • surveyqueenuk
    • By surveyqueenuk 4th Dec 17, 4:06 PM
    • 545 Posts
    • 1,903 Thanks
    surveyqueenuk
    You say that you'd call the police if someone else committed this offence, but you didn't on this occasion. That tells me he didn't rape, abuse children, mug an elderly person or commit murder as these are things you'd never let go unreported, regardless of who did them. So is there any way you could try and see past what happened? Obviously, you might not be able to, that's understandable but on the other hand, he doesn't appear to have committed the most heinous of crimes.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 4th Dec 17, 5:38 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 307 Thanks
    JayJay100
    Is there anyone who doesnít have a family or anyone they ďbelongĒ to? My family have all either died or we don't speak and Iím really struggling to come to terms with being so alone. I lost my dad as a child and my mum 2 years ago. My siblings and I havenít spoken since my mumís death, and my daughter doesnít want to see me after her partner did something that deeply shocked and hurt me. I donít have grandparents, cousins or any other family.

    I have been single for years after a couple of bad relationships that scarred me. Afterwards, I just wanted to concentrate on being a good mum, then in later years it was to build up my career and look after my lovely mum. Now I have no family and spend all my time alone.

    I do have a group of lovely friends, but am very aware that they all have busy lives and donít always have time to spend outside their families, although when we do get together they are wonderful. I find it hard to open up about how I am feeling, so they and my colleagues think I am fine. I get up every day and go to work, and make it appear as if everything is great. And to be fair, I donít want them to feel sorry for me. Anyway, I am more of a listener than a talker. It just gets a bit overwhelming when I come home and am on my own again.

    I do all the usual things, going to the gym, walk the dog, online dating etc. but it isnít really the meeting people I am struggling with, itís not having a family or anybody that I ďbelongĒ to that I am missing. I always thought that by now I would have a husband, more children, grandchildren etc. I have thought about volunteering but I work long hours and anyway I think my state of mind would be more of a hindrance than a help at the moment.

    I have tried to reunite with my family especially my daughter but it is clear that they arenít interested and I canít face trying again only to go through the pain of rejection all over again. Iím in my 40ís and feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. I often go to bed hoping I wonít wake up in the morning. Losing the most important people in my life just hurts so much that nothing else really matters. I know I am still grieving for my mum Ė she was truly my best friend, but also feel like I am grieving for the relationship I used to have with my daughter too.

    I do feel incredibly grateful to have a home, a job and no debt. I know things could be an awful lot worse and some people may think I have nothing really to complain about. I was just wondering if there is anybody else who is alone and has any practical tips on how to cope with the constant loneliness and sadness.

    I think I just need someone to tell me to pull myself together
    X
    Originally posted by Newbie Ginnings
    I understand this, I really do. Back in the dim and distant past, it took just ten weeks for my life to completely unravel. I lost my partner, my friends, my home; even my job changed and I was relocated to a different department, in a different building. The loneliness and the sense of failure and exclusion that came with all of that was horrendous. The turning point came when I was visiting another office, and nipped to the loo; as I was going in, I stepped out of the way to let a miserable old bag out: the miserable old bag was me, and I was looking in a mirror. I knew at that moment that things had to change.

    1) I found someone to talk to. In an ideal world, I should have gone to a councillor, and if I was ever in that state again, I wouldn't hesitate. I was lucky and had a friend who listened for hours, and helped me to make some sort of sense of the things that had happened. The people on this forum are pretty amazing too, and after the help I've received over the last few weeks, I'd recommend them.
    2) I had a make-over. I'd never really paid that much attention to myself; as long I was clean, tidy and presentable, I was happy enough. I changed my hair colour and style, had a manicure, and took advice over buying new clothes; I'd lost so much weight, I had to buy new clothes and I had no idea what suited me. I also had a make up lesson. It helped with confidence issues.
    3) I built in time just for me. I would switch my phone off, run a bubble bath, and lie in the bath reading a series of books that I could just get myself lost in.
    4) I joined an exercise class instead of the gym. I was rubbish, had no coordination and wore all the wrong things, but I met a great group of women, who became my social life and a type of family. There were quite a few who were in the same boat as me, and they gave me a sense of belonging, which had been missing. Many are still good friends now.
    5) I joined a night school class. At the time, it wasn't the right thing for me, and I struggled with it, but I'm still glad that I went. It gave me structure, and it got me out of the house.
    6) I found a hobby, which I loved, and spent as much time doing it as I could afford.
    7) Cut out the dead wood. This was hard. I looked at my original circle of friends, and how they had treated me when things were really bad. If there were trust issues, I got rid. If they'd lied to me, I got rid. If it was all one-sided, with no give and take at all, I got rid.
    8) I chose to be happy. I can't say that I didn't get down or that I didn't struggle, because I did, but I used to put a limit on it. I'd have half an hour of giving in to being miserable, but then I'd make myself move on; I'd go for a walk, a drive with music blasting, or a swim. I'd bake a cake, beating the mixture with a wooden spoon, rather than a mixer. I'd clean the car. I'd clean the windows. I do anything rather than dwell on what had happened.
    9) I accepted that you can't make people behave as you want them to. Sometimes you have to step back and give it time. Sometimes it comes right, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes you just have to let go and move on.

    There were no quick fixes in the above, and it's a question of finding what works for you and giving it time. Even if you look at the list and think 'none of them are right for me' you've made progress, as you've ruled things out.

    Good luck and try to be as positive as you can!
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 4th Dec 17, 10:07 PM
    • 1,257 Posts
    • 1,867 Thanks
    pearl123
    Do you think you could also be feeling SAD due to the time of year?
    • ScarletRibbons
    • By ScarletRibbons 5th Dec 17, 7:59 AM
    • 99 Posts
    • 827 Thanks
    ScarletRibbons
    What a positive useful post from JayJay - hope it helps Newbie Ginnings.
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 5th Dec 17, 1:51 PM
    • 489 Posts
    • 752 Thanks
    BBH123
    JayJay you sound totally inspirational.


    I think there are an awful lot more people in OP's situation than we realise, relationships these days are so fragile.


    I am not in the camp of make amends with daughter at all costs. OP write very eloquently and doesn't strike me as dramatic so I would imagine what her daughters partner did was bad and as such her daughter cutting ties has put this man ahead of her mother and that must be very hurtful.


    I think OP should take a leaf out of JayJays book and ditch those who do not want to be part of her life and sound pretty toxic anyway and concentrate on herself and find friends who nourish her and value her.


    Its a shame there are not more social groups out there as I bet in her area or any area there are an awful lot of people in the same situation. If you spend time with others socially you don't miss your family as much.
    • red devil
    • By red devil 5th Dec 17, 1:52 PM
    • 10,397 Posts
    • 7,741 Thanks
    red devil
    Hi,


    I have a partner but no other family that we see.
    • Starrystarrynight1
    • By Starrystarrynight1 5th Dec 17, 4:23 PM
    • 134 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    Starrystarrynight1
    There was a long period when I felt very lonely, even though I was still in contact with my family and saw them most weeks. I've never really had lots of friends either so never went 'out' much.

    I joined a couple of online forums, for subjects I was interested in, and just got chatting to others there. Frequently, we'd talk about other things outside our joint interest, so I at least felt I was getting some contact. It helped to pass the lonely hours. Just a suggestion for something you can do in your time outside of work etc. I know it won't be for everyone or even a permanent answer to your loneliness.

    Volunteering was also suggested to me. Here in Scotland, there is a charity called MealMakers, and people can volunteer to take extra portions to senior citizens who are alone and share a home cooked meal with them. Does your area have something similar, or does your local council have a 'well being' officer who might be able to offer advice and ideas? Is there a charity whose work you particularly admire or support? Would there be anything you could do to help them out.

    I really do feel for you, OP. Although our situations are/were different, the pain of pure loneliness is very difficult to bear. Sending very best wishes to you.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I used to be Starrystarrynight on MSE, before a log in technical glitch!
    • Newbie Ginnings
    • By Newbie Ginnings 5th Dec 17, 8:11 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 180 Thanks
    Newbie Ginnings
    Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, sadly it seems that loneliness is far more common than we realise.

    Firstly let me just say, I will not state what happened. Like so many things in life it isn't black and white. As much as I hate what he did and what it has cost in terms of losing the relationship I had with my daughter, for reasons I cant go into on here she needs him. Having a partner with a criminal record would have put her at risk and I wont ever do anything that would put her at risk.

    To everybody who has shared your own story, thank you. It has helped in a huge way to know that I am not alone. Its a shame that loneliness is not spoken about more, its almost as if it is seen as shameful to admit that you are lonely. We should all talk about it more with each other to bring it out into the open.

    JayJay, I agree wholeheartedly with BBH123, you are totally inspirational! Actually a lot of your points hit home, especially points 7, 8 & 9. Thank you for sharing, and I'm so pleased that things are better for you now. I will be taking some of your suggestions, and have found an evening class in silversmithing and a yoga class that I will be joining in Jan. Also have been recommended a grief counsellor.

    Tabby, Pickledonionspaceraider (love the username btw!) newatc, rachel230, kayalanna99, Februarycat, red devil and Starrystarrynight1 - honestly I know it must have taken a lot for you to post on this thread and I really hope that it hasn't brought back painful memories for any of you.

    I'm so sorry if I have missed anyone out, but sending love and positive thoughts to everyone that needs them.
    xx
    • red devil
    • By red devil 6th Dec 17, 2:45 PM
    • 10,397 Posts
    • 7,741 Thanks
    red devil
    loneliness is spoken a lot about in the media but its mainly older people.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 6th Dec 17, 9:17 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 307 Thanks
    JayJay100


    I think there are an awful lot more people in OP's situation than we realise, relationships these days are so fragile.
    Originally posted by BBH123
    There was a long period when I felt very lonely, even though I was still in contact with my family and saw them most weeks. I've never really had lots of friends either so never went 'out' much.
    Originally posted by Starrystarrynight1
    loneliness is spoken a lot about in the media but its mainly older people.
    Originally posted by red devil
    All absolutely spot on. I always thought loneliness was something that only hit older people; it was one hell of a shock to be stood in a pub, on New Year's Eve, surrounded by people having fun, and not understanding why I felt so dreadful; it was loneliness. I wasn't even 30 at that point. My niece is only 17, and has quite a few problems on the go, some of which are connected to loneliness; she got herself involved with a crowd and did a few stupid things, because she was lonely and wanted to be accepted by the 'in' crowd.

    I don't think it's only down to having people around, it's having the right people around; the people who get you, and have the ability to make things seem and feel better. It's finding those people, that can be so difficult.
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