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    • Newbie Ginnings
    • By Newbie Ginnings 3rd Dec 17, 4:40 PM
    • 16Posts
    • 181Thanks
    Newbie Ginnings
    How do you cope with loneliness?
    • #1
    • 3rd Dec 17, 4:40 PM
    How do you cope with loneliness? 3rd Dec 17 at 4:40 PM
    Is there anyone who doesnít have a family or anyone they ďbelongĒ to? My family have all either died or we don't speak and Iím really struggling to come to terms with being so alone. I lost my dad as a child and my mum 2 years ago. My siblings and I havenít spoken since my mumís death, and my daughter doesnít want to see me after her partner did something that deeply shocked and hurt me. I donít have grandparents, cousins or any other family.

    I have been single for years after a couple of bad relationships that scarred me. Afterwards, I just wanted to concentrate on being a good mum, then in later years it was to build up my career and look after my lovely mum. Now I have no family and spend all my time alone.

    I do have a group of lovely friends, but am very aware that they all have busy lives and donít always have time to spend outside their families, although when we do get together they are wonderful. I find it hard to open up about how I am feeling, so they and my colleagues think I am fine. I get up every day and go to work, and make it appear as if everything is great. And to be fair, I donít want them to feel sorry for me. Anyway, I am more of a listener than a talker. It just gets a bit overwhelming when I come home and am on my own again.

    I do all the usual things, going to the gym, walk the dog, online dating etc. but it isnít really the meeting people I am struggling with, itís not having a family or anybody that I ďbelongĒ to that I am missing. I always thought that by now I would have a husband, more children, grandchildren etc. I have thought about volunteering but I work long hours and anyway I think my state of mind would be more of a hindrance than a help at the moment.

    I have tried to reunite with my family especially my daughter but it is clear that they arenít interested and I canít face trying again only to go through the pain of rejection all over again. Iím in my 40ís and feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. I often go to bed hoping I wonít wake up in the morning. Losing the most important people in my life just hurts so much that nothing else really matters. I know I am still grieving for my mum Ė she was truly my best friend, but also feel like I am grieving for the relationship I used to have with my daughter too.

    I do feel incredibly grateful to have a home, a job and no debt. I know things could be an awful lot worse and some people may think I have nothing really to complain about. I was just wondering if there is anybody else who is alone and has any practical tips on how to cope with the constant loneliness and sadness.

    I think I just need someone to tell me to pull myself together
    X
Page 1
    • chesky
    • By chesky 3rd Dec 17, 4:47 PM
    • 880 Posts
    • 1,267 Thanks
    chesky
    • #2
    • 3rd Dec 17, 4:47 PM
    • #2
    • 3rd Dec 17, 4:47 PM
    If you were in contact with your siblings until your mother's death, two years ago, why have you lost contact with them since? Can you not try to re-establish the relationship with them?
    • kelpie35
    • By kelpie35 3rd Dec 17, 4:57 PM
    • 1,535 Posts
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    kelpie35
    • #3
    • 3rd Dec 17, 4:57 PM
    • #3
    • 3rd Dec 17, 4:57 PM
    Have you thought about writing to your daughter?

    Explain how sad you feel that she is not part of your life and could you possible start to build bridges.

    Have you also thought about inviting her and your siblings for a meal over the festive period.

    If they see you are making an effort to try to reconcile then things might get back on track.

    If you are feeling so down maybe you need to pay a visit to your GP and explain just how you are feeling. Possibly he might refer you for counselling.
    • PrettyKittyKat
    • By PrettyKittyKat 3rd Dec 17, 5:04 PM
    • 64 Posts
    • 120 Thanks
    PrettyKittyKat
    • #4
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:04 PM
    • #4
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:04 PM
    I am sorry I can't offer practical advice as you have asked for. However, I could not read and run without posting.

    Reading your post what strikes me most is that there is alot that you are mourning at the moment, and I think it would be a good idea for you to speak to someone (like a counsellor) about that. In doing so they may be able to help you formulate ways to deal with the loneliness too. You say you have tried all the usual things, like dating, going for walks etc to alleviate the loneliness however it isn't working, and they may be because you haven't worked through your feelings of why the breakdown in relationships have happened and also loosing your beloved Mum.

    Also, a family can be one you choose. And from what you say you have a wonderful group of friends who I am sure would be upset to hear you feel as you do and haven't told them. Please speak to them about how you feel, you may feel more comfortable doing this once you have had some sessions with a counsellor and worked through your emotions somewhat .
    • Mee
    • By Mee 3rd Dec 17, 5:10 PM
    • 1,031 Posts
    • 1,007 Thanks
    Mee
    • #5
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:10 PM
    • #5
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:10 PM
    Hello!

    I would like to give a more detailed response, but can't, though I support some of the suggestions above.

    I would strongly recommend the following:

    Being honest with your friends, and family about how you feel.

    Do consider speaking to your GP and/or getting a referral for counselling or family counselling.

    A few useful reads below:
    Standalone

    Family Estrangement: Advice and Information for Parents

    https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/16/10-more-ideas-to-help-with-loneliness/

    https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ross-a-rosenberg/loneliness_b_4648417.html

    http://healthland.time.com/2010/10/11/how-not-to-feel-lonely-in-a-crowd/

    I would recommend trying to cut back on your hours if you can to allow you to develop other interests and networks which may help you build up some social capital useful for mental health and employment prospects.
    Last edited by Mee; 03-12-2017 at 5:21 PM.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 3rd Dec 17, 5:28 PM
    • 1,355 Posts
    • 1,375 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    • #6
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:28 PM
    • #6
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:28 PM
    I second writing to your daughter. I'm sure she probably wishes she had you around too. Is a lifetime worth throwing away just because you disagreed over a man?! No. Make the first move, kids can be stubborn even when they are grown up!
    I'd suggest volunteering. You can make new friends and work together as a team, knowing you are benefitting a good cause. Find something that doesn't need a big commitment. Not all volunteering takes up hours.
    You also mentioned dog walking. How about joining a walking / rambling group.
    There are aso roles where you can be a telephone befriender or invite an older person to share Sunday lunch.
    There are thousands of people like you. Its a normal feeling but it will take a bit of action on your part to kick things off.
    • Newbie Ginnings
    • By Newbie Ginnings 3rd Dec 17, 5:28 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 181 Thanks
    Newbie Ginnings
    • #7
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:28 PM
    • #7
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:28 PM
    Chesky yes I have contacted them a few times. My siblings are both a lot older than me, one hadn't wanted to see myself or my mum for a number of years before she died. We did have some time together for a short period after my mum passed which was really nice, but unfortunately I couldn't get over how much they had hurt my mum in the preceding years. One was always embarrassed and ashamed that we were from a poor family. The other I mostly got along with as long as I was doing them favours. They always detested each other. Both were more interested in how much they could get from the estate than any family ties. They joined forces and cut me out of decisions about the estate despite me being an executor. We fell out about lots of past issues. I have told them I miss them and would like to get past what happened, but they don't want to.
    • Newbie Ginnings
    • By Newbie Ginnings 3rd Dec 17, 5:46 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 181 Thanks
    Newbie Ginnings
    • #8
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:46 PM
    • #8
    • 3rd Dec 17, 5:46 PM
    Wow thank you for all your replies. Yes I am mourning the loss of pretty much my whole life as it was. I have spoken to my doctor who gave me a leaflet for counselling, I know I need to do this, but I have always been the one who people tell their troubles to and come to for advice so find it hard to accept that I need to be on the receiving end.


    I have a couple of times invited my daughter out for coffee and a meal. She says she will contact me when she feels well, but it doesn't happen. I have told her how much I love and miss her. She thinks I am making too much out of what her partner did and ought to forget it but I cant, and she wont go anywhere without him.


    My friends do know what has happened, just not quite how bad I feel. I will definitely look into finding a counsellor as I think I never really got over the loss of my dad either.


    Mee thank you for the links they are really useful. I do have a good job, I often work late as the prospect of coming home to an empty house is often worse than staying at work.


    Deep breath.. Ok I am off to write a letter to my lovely.


    Thank you all so much for your replies and advice xx
    • chesky
    • By chesky 3rd Dec 17, 6:08 PM
    • 880 Posts
    • 1,267 Thanks
    chesky
    • #9
    • 3rd Dec 17, 6:08 PM
    • #9
    • 3rd Dec 17, 6:08 PM
    Unless what your daughter's partner did was criminal, I think you're going to have to hold your tongue about whatever he did, as your daughter seems to have made that a red line. You may not be able to forgive whatever it was but you will have to learn to live with it if you want to move on.
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 3rd Dec 17, 6:18 PM
    • 15,988 Posts
    • 40,902 Thanks
    balletshoes
    Chesky yes I have contacted them a few times. My siblings are both a lot older than me, one hadn't wanted to see myself or my mum for a number of years before she died. We did have some time together for a short period after my mum passed which was really nice,
    but unfortunately I couldn't get over how much they had hurt my mum in the preceding years.
    One was always embarrassed and ashamed that we were from a poor family. The other I mostly got along with as long as I was doing them favours. They always detested each other. Both were more interested in how much they could get from the estate than any family ties. They joined forces and cut me out of decisions about the estate despite me being an executor. We fell out about lots of past issues.
    I have told them I miss them and would like to get past what happened, but they don't want to.
    Originally posted by Newbie Ginnings
    Wow thank you for all your replies. Yes I am mourning the loss of pretty much my whole life as it was. I have spoken to my doctor who gave me a leaflet for counselling, I know I need to do this, but I have always been the one who people tell their troubles to and come to for advice so find it hard to accept that I need to be on the receiving end.


    I have a couple of times invited my daughter out for coffee and a meal. She says she will contact me when she feels well, but it doesn't happen. I have told her how much I love and miss her.
    She thinks I am making too much out of what her partner did and ought to forget it but I cant, and she wont go anywhere without him.


    My friends do know what has happened, just not quite how bad I feel. I will definitely look into finding a counsellor as I think I never really got over the loss of my dad either.


    Mee thank you for the links they are really useful. I do have a good job, I often work late as the prospect of coming home to an empty house is often worse than staying at work.


    Deep breath.. Ok I am off to write a letter to my lovely.


    Thank you all so much for your replies and advice xx
    Originally posted by Newbie Ginnings
    OP you do "belong" - if you want to. But - and forgive me for saying this - I haven't seen anywhere in your posts so far that you have apologised to your siblings or your daughter, for your part in the fallings-out, and for the things you said which upset them. You may need to.

    Next time you invite your daughter out for coffee, include her partner in the invitation.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 3rd Dec 17, 7:50 PM
    • 7,874 Posts
    • 26,759 Thanks
    Primrose
    I think with the approach of Christmas you should have one further try approaching your daughter, but why not address the letter to her partner as well this time?
    You dont say what the offence was which caused the rift so we cannot know whether your daughter’s action was justified or not but it!s obvious that until the partner feels like coming back on board into this relationship ship, your daughter will side with him.

    Maybe you have be honest about the depth to which this rift has driven youand ask whether with the passage of time the feelings of hurt on her part on behalf of her partner have lessened. I don,t think you should expect any great tearful reunions, being realistic. It may have to be a reapprochment in easy stages and you may have to swallow your pride and admit that with the benefit of hindsight your own reaction was perhaps over the top.

    Having written, I would then concentrate my efforts to find people with whom to have a sense of “belonging” elsewhere in some kind of volunteering. Do your friends have any contacts in a similar position to yourself with similar interests with whom you could chum up? Does your local library (if it hasn,t been closed) display details of local organisations which might appeal to you?

    What are your interests? You say you walk your dog. Could you hand out a leaflet to your local dog walkers giving your email address and suggesting forming a social dog walkers get together once a month for example?

    I.d be honest with your friends too about how much lonelinesss is hitting you. Yes, they perhaps have busy lives but maybe you could all find time to make a little more time for each other even if it,s exchanging emails more often so you don,t feel so isolated.
    • Newbie Ginnings
    • By Newbie Ginnings 3rd Dec 17, 8:57 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 181 Thanks
    Newbie Ginnings
    Obviously there is more to the story which I don't want to post on here but yes I have apologised for my part in the events. I have also apologised to my daughter even though I didn't do anything wrong and she has acknowledged that it wasn't in any way my fault. We had a fantastic relationship until this happened and I tried hard to keep our relationship going for a long time afterwards.



    I wont invite her partner. Yes what he did is an offence, and had it been done by a random person in the street I would have reported it to the police. Given the circumstances I didn't think that involving the police would have made the situation any better, but I never want to be in the same room as him again.









    I was really just hoping for some "yes I've been there" stories of people who have come through the other side and how they did it. I wasn't looking for sympathy, or judgement.







    Thanks for the replies x
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 3rd Dec 17, 9:25 PM
    • 469 Posts
    • 928 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    I have dogs.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 3rd Dec 17, 9:29 PM
    • 15,627 Posts
    • 11,420 Thanks
    hollydays
    Obviously there is more to the story which I don't want to post on here but yes I have apologised for my part in the events. I have also apologised to my daughter even though I didn't do anything wrong and she has acknowledged that it wasn't in any way my fault. We had a fantastic relationship until this happened and I tried hard to keep our relationship going for a long time afterwards.



    I wont invite her partner. Yes what he did is an offence, and had it been done by a random person in the street I would have reported it to the police. Given the circumstances I didn't think that involving the police would have made the situation any better, but I never want to be in the same room as him again.









    I was really just hoping for some "yes I've been there" stories of people who have come through the other side and how they did it. I wasn't looking for sympathy, or judgement.







    Thanks for the replies x
    Originally posted by Newbie Ginnings
    I think it might help you to explain what the partner did . Otherwise it just vague comments.
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 3rd Dec 17, 10:10 PM
    • 1,159 Posts
    • 3,182 Thanks
    pickledonionspaceraider
    I am very lucky that I have a wonderful husband.

    Other than him I have no family that I an in contact with, and very few close friends. My family always had a very unhealthy dynamic and the family relationships I knew, I now know to be unhealthy and abusive - people who drag you down instead of build you up

    My husbands family are very close, and I often struggle to be around them as in many ways I am jealous of the family bonds, the shared history. Pathetic, eh I am a grown woman.

    I cant tell you any advice, i mourn the family I never had.
    You only live once...so make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet every day desperately seeking validation from strangers
    • newatc
    • By newatc 3rd Dec 17, 10:49 PM
    • 112 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    newatc
    I suddenly felt very lonely when my mother died a few years ago although she lived some distance away and I only saw 2 or 3 times a year (but spoke regularly on the phone). So I wouldn't be at all surprised, Newbie Gin, if that heightened your feelings more than you think. Time will help with that.
    Not sure forum strangers can be that helpful with the more specific issues but for what's it worth I would suggest thinking about what you want (and are able to) to achieve in near future and put together a plan to get there.
    Good luck.
    • rachel230
    • By rachel230 4th Dec 17, 12:01 PM
    • 23 Posts
    • 13 Thanks
    rachel230
    Newbie (and any others on here)
    Sympathies and condolences to anyone else who has a dysfunctional family.
    Newbie - it sounds like you have tried everything to resolve the issues and I can only begin to understand the pain of the loss of closeness/contact with your daughter. Perhaps she has her own issues/insecurities. Perhaps she is afraid of her husband and could be being controlled by him. You may have to accept this for the time being but be there ready and waiting should she need you in the future. You could perhaps write/email her once a week - just a loving, light, undemanding, caring communication with no expectations.
    Good luck. There are many of us in the same boat.
    • Kayalana99
    • By Kayalana99 4th Dec 17, 12:23 PM
    • 3,345 Posts
    • 5,991 Thanks
    Kayalana99
    Obviously there is more to the story which I don't want to post on here but yes I have apologised for my part in the events. I have also apologised to my daughter even though I didn't do anything wrong and she has acknowledged that it wasn't in any way my fault. We had a fantastic relationship until this happened and I tried hard to keep our relationship going for a long time afterwards.



    I wont invite her partner. Yes what he did is an offence, and had it been done by a random person in the street I would have reported it to the police. Given the circumstances I didn't think that involving the police would have made the situation any better, but I never want to be in the same room as him again.









    I was really just hoping for some "yes I've been there" stories of people who have come through the other side and how they did it. I wasn't looking for sympathy, or judgement.







    Thanks for the replies x
    Originally posted by Newbie Ginnings
    My two cents, I haven't been in your situation but I have been in the situation of having to deal with a partner I didn't like....didn't like being held loosely as what he did to me is a long story.

    What I will say is what she said to me (the one with the partner) that she has made a choice to be with him, and I need to respect that even if I don't like him.

    Honestly, perhaps counselling will help you move past this, but I do agree it doesn't matter what he has done. What matters is that your daughter has chosen to be with him and your relationship with her. If she can live with whatever he has done, then you need to respect that and forget about it.
    People don't know what they want until you show them.
    • Februarycat
    • By Februarycat 4th Dec 17, 1:47 PM
    • 1,218 Posts
    • 1,611 Thanks
    Februarycat
    I can understand how you feel, I'm in a similar situation to you, I lost my mum, then my dad a year after, then my husband had an affair and we got divorced, then lost my lovely cat, then my son left home to live with his fianc!e, who is very controlling and my son is afraid to upset her by visiting me, they only live 15 mins drive from me, but never come over and they have recently had a baby, my granddaughter, but not bought her over to my house, I did go over twice last month to see granddaughter, but felt like his fianc!e did not really want me involved with granddaughter.


    I'm spending Xmas on my own like last year, I just try and treat it as a normal day and keep busy. Sorry to hear about your situation, I think it always seems worse at Xmas time, when everyone is visiting family. Please pm if you want to chat more.
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    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 4th Dec 17, 1:57 PM
    • 29,848 Posts
    • 55,825 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Unless what your daughter's partner did was criminal, I think you're going to have to hold your tongue about whatever he did, as your daughter seems to have made that a red line. You may not be able to forgive whatever it was but you will have to learn to live with it if you want to move on.
    Originally posted by chesky
    I was just going to say exactly this. Surely having a relationship with your daughter is more important than whatever this man did in the past? It's the past, it's gone. Just accept him as part of your daughter's life (you don't have to like him, just keep your mouth shut), and then maybe you can have a relationship with your daughter.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
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