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    • MLA73
    • By MLA73 2nd Dec 17, 9:19 AM
    • 8Posts
    • 5Thanks
    MLA73
    Work's Xmas Party Exclusion
    • #1
    • 2nd Dec 17, 9:19 AM
    Work's Xmas Party Exclusion 2nd Dec 17 at 9:19 AM
    I just found out earlier in the week that one of my colleagues has organised an unofficial Xmas Party for work colleagues and invited all 25 or so office staff, with the exception of myself and 2 others.

    I'm this person's boss and work alongside her husband who hasn't said anything to me either. I'm a little confused and a little hurt as I've felt that I've been getting on well lately and been very praiseworthy of this individual. Either I've really upset this person or someone else is pushing the buttons.

    The company I work for is very cliquey as most of the people who work there are either in their 20's and early 30's (I'm in my 40s) and live either in the local commuter town or near to it and I don't.

    This person has a precedence - she got married last year and similarly everyone from work was invited with the exception of 1 or 2 people (I was invited on this occasion and attended), but I told her future husband at that time that it was a bit off to do this.

    I know an unofficial staff party and occasions such as weddings are not work occasions so outside the jurisdiction of work but I feel using these situations to make some people at work social pariahs is a bit off.

    Does anyone have any advice? Should I confront this person and her husband and let them know how uncomfortable they have made me feel, should I make them aware indirectly that I'm aware what has happened and play with their minds (this is the vengeful me talking I know!) or do nothing and be the bigger person?

    Thanks.
Page 2
    • Janey3
    • By Janey3 2nd Dec 17, 5:32 PM
    • 368 Posts
    • 828 Thanks
    Janey3
    Glad you have made the decision to let it go. You are the boss not friend and mustnt expect to be asked to these get togethers

    Give them a couple of quid to start the kitty for their drinks and wish them a nice evening.
    • maman
    • By maman 2nd Dec 17, 7:22 PM
    • 17,155 Posts
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    maman
    Glad you have made the decision to let it go. You are the boss not friend and mustnt expect to be asked to these get togethers

    Give them a couple of quid to start the kitty for their drinks and wish them a nice evening.
    Originally posted by Janey3

    That's excellent advice. That hits two birds with one stone. You're rising above the petty 'us' and 'them' way this person is behaving and also letting on that you know about it.
    • choccielover
    • By choccielover 2nd Dec 17, 9:36 PM
    • 372 Posts
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    choccielover
    A good piece of advice I received for managers and work nights out is to buy the first round and be gone by the second.
    Originally posted by Pixie5740
    Yep totally

    You canít be in a friendship group with people who work for you. It doesnít (or very very rarely) works.

    Wish them the best and go out with some friends you can let your hair down with
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 2nd Dec 17, 11:42 PM
    • 2,633 Posts
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    JReacher1
    Yep totally

    You canít be in a friendship group with people who work for you. It doesnít (or very very rarely) works.

    Wish them the best and go out with some friends you can let your hair down with
    Originally posted by choccielover
    Thatís not true. You can be friends with your boss. I am god father to my senior managers son and two of the team that work for me are very good friends and we socialise a lot together.

    The trick is understanding the difference between a professional and personal relationship.

    In work we all act professionally and behave with the relevant level of respect to each other.

    Outside of work we are just friends and dont really talk much about work.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 3rd Dec 17, 8:31 AM
    • 18,574 Posts
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    Pollycat
    Thatís not true. You can be friends with your boss. I am god father to my senior managers son and two of the team that work for me are very good friends and we socialise a lot together.

    The trick is understanding the difference between a professional and personal relationship.

    In work we all act professionally and behave with the relevant level of respect to each other.

    Outside of work we are just friends and dont really talk much about work.
    Originally posted by JReacher1
    +1 to this ^^^^

    I was very good friends with my last boss, I was witness at his wedding.
    We had a great work relationship too.

    I suspect the OP has a somewhat strained working relationship with this person who has organised the party.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 3rd Dec 17, 8:32 AM
    • 1,360 Posts
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    Fireflyaway
    My immediate team go for drinks without me and it doesn't bother me. I think I am a nice manager but there is still a professional divide and let's face it, I'm sure they sometimes talk / moan about me! That's part of life.
    Other groups also go out who were established before I joined. I'm a quiet person who doesn't enjoy loud banter or going down the pub anyway. That's probably why they don't invite me but I'm sure if I said I'd drop in they would be fine about it.
    The fact you got a wedding invite shows you are liked. It probably just didn't feel professional for you to be there and witness silly or drunk behaviour ! Take that as a mark of respect.
    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 3rd Dec 17, 7:18 PM
    • 13,670 Posts
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    onlyroz
    Re the party - you’re the boss. They don’t want you there. Get over it.

    Re the wedding - both of them work for the same company so it is likely they both have a lot of friends there. Doen’t mean they want *everyone* there though - there are likely to be some they don’t get in with or are not fussed about.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 3rd Dec 17, 10:22 PM
    • 9,843 Posts
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    hazyjo
    I invited my 'team' to my wedding (lawyers and a Partner). I certainly wouldn't be asking them out on a social night out. Totally different. I have a line manager who I can't stand and also wouldn't dream of asking her along to any social event. Nobody wants the boss there It's something you often forfeit once you step into a managerial role.
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    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 3rd Dec 17, 11:17 PM
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    onlyroz
    I invited my 'team' to my wedding (lawyers and a Partner). I certainly wouldn't be asking them out on a social night out. Totally different. I have a line manager who I can't stand and also wouldn't dream of asking her along to any social event. Nobody wants the boss there It's something you often forfeit once you step into a managerial role.
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    Not sure why youíd want to invite work colleagues to your wedding if you donít like them enough to socialise with.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 3rd Dec 17, 11:19 PM
    • 13,259 Posts
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    Gloomendoom
    Not sure why youíd want to invite work colleagues to your wedding if you donít like them enough to socialise with.
    Originally posted by onlyroz
    I was thinking the same thing.

    We invited work colleagues to our wedding, but we like them enough to socialise with them.
    Advice; it rhymes with mice. Advise; it rhymes with wise.
    • zagfles
    • By zagfles 3rd Dec 17, 11:25 PM
    • 12,495 Posts
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    zagfles
    +1 to this ^^^^

    I was very good friends with my last boss, I was witness at his wedding.
    We had a great work relationship too.

    I suspect the OP has a somewhat strained working relationship with this person who has organised the party.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    +2. I can't believe in this day and age anyone has a problem socialising with their boss, we always have works dos where everyone is invited right up to senior management and they're always a great laugh.

    A couple of years ago a senior manager got totally ratted and me and a colleague had to help him home, we never tire of reminding him at payrise time (in jest, obviously).

    I've had some bosses who I wouldn't want on a do but same with other work colleagues, nothing to do with their position in the hierarchy.

    I guess some people still work in environments like in the 70's where there's an "us and them" attitude and you call your boss "sir" or "ma'am" and they have the key to executive washroom etc...I feel sorry for anyone working somewhere like that.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 4th Dec 17, 9:42 AM
    • 1,315 Posts
    • 1,066 Thanks
    Comms69
    I just found out earlier in the week that one of my colleagues has organised an unofficial Xmas Party for work colleagues and invited all 25 or so office staff, with the exception of myself and 2 others.

    I'm this person's boss and work alongside her husband who hasn't said anything to me either. I'm a little confused and a little hurt as I've felt that I've been getting on well lately and been very praiseworthy of this individual. Either I've really upset this person or someone else is pushing the buttons.

    The company I work for is very cliquey as most of the people who work there are either in their 20's and early 30's (I'm in my 40s) and live either in the local commuter town or near to it and I don't.

    This person has a precedence - she got married last year and similarly everyone from work was invited with the exception of 1 or 2 people (I was invited on this occasion and attended), but I told her future husband at that time that it was a bit off to do this.

    I know an unofficial staff party and occasions such as weddings are not work occasions so outside the jurisdiction of work but I feel using these situations to make some people at work social pariahs is a bit off.

    Does anyone have any advice? Should I confront this person and her husband and let them know how uncomfortable they have made me feel, should I make them aware indirectly that I'm aware what has happened and play with their minds (this is the vengeful me talking I know!) or do nothing and be the bigger person?

    Thanks.
    Originally posted by MLA73
    You have absolutely no right to be upset, and certainly no right to attend. Your employees social life is very little to do with you.
    • Dizzy Ditzy
    • By Dizzy Ditzy 4th Dec 17, 3:28 PM
    • 16,439 Posts
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    Dizzy Ditzy
    Act like a petulant child about not being invited and you may as well just push yourself further down the river.

    Say nothing. It's an unofficial night out and it doesn't give you the right to go. As someone else said, give them a few quid for a round of drinks and wish them a good night. They'll think far more of you for doing that then they would if you chucked your toys out of the pram over it
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    • janninew
    • By janninew 4th Dec 17, 7:55 PM
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    janninew
    Itís not clear but is the husband in a managerial position?

    I had similar issues when starting to organise a work party and didnít want to invite certain people, I ended up not bothering because to invite everybody bar a couple from a work place isnít very good form, yet if I had invited them it would have caused massive problems because they werenít very popular! Itís a mine field and I just donít socialise with colleagues anymore- itís easier!
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    • zagfles
    • By zagfles 4th Dec 17, 8:09 PM
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    zagfles
    Alternatively - if you or the other managers not invited are senior enough to hold the company purse strings - organise another night out paid for by the company. Even the "inverted snobs" who won't drink with the boss aren't likely to turn down a free night out! And if they do all the more for you to spend on your do!

    Best not clash though
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 4th Dec 17, 8:17 PM
    • 1,266 Posts
    • 1,874 Thanks
    pearl123
    You are in a senior position. It is pretty much the norm that you wouldn't be included.
    • svain
    • By svain 4th Dec 17, 8:21 PM
    • 230 Posts
    • 404 Thanks
    svain
    what boss in their right mind would want to go??
    • chesky
    • By chesky 5th Dec 17, 12:05 AM
    • 880 Posts
    • 1,267 Thanks
    chesky
    My son organises the work do for his NHS team at Christmas and arranges all the catering and drinks from the department budget. He buys them all a present from himself. He stays for a drink for 15 minutes, then he's off. As they all quite like him, they always ask him to stay on but he never does. He goes out to dinner with his g/f. Result - everybody happy.
    • AubreyMac
    • By AubreyMac 5th Dec 17, 12:40 AM
    • 1,224 Posts
    • 2,848 Thanks
    AubreyMac
    Do you know the venue this party will be taking place? Perhaps you and the other 2 bosses could go there for a party of your own, ha!


    I can understand people do not want their bosses there but at the end of the day I think anyone would feel the exclusion regardless of position. I was once invited to a colleague's wedding that I didn't know well, I think she only invited me out of obligation as she invited everyone in my team (that she knew better as they have all been working together for decades and they knew her hubby too) so she might have felt awkward or guilty to have excluded me. I didn't go anyway as I didn't know her well enough.


    Let it go, if you make a fuss they will only be more discreet the next time.
    • AubreyMac
    • By AubreyMac 5th Dec 17, 12:55 AM
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    AubreyMac
    +2. I can't believe in this day and age anyone has a problem socialising with their boss, we always have works dos where everyone is invited right up to senior management and they're always a great laugh.
    Originally posted by zagfles
    +3 for me.


    I'm still very good friends with a former boss of mine. The second I walked in for my interview there was a spark. Within 5 mins she said she had a good feeling about me.


    I meet up with her on average once a month, in fact I'm seeing her next week for a meal. It's been nearly 6 years since I left that company and she recently left too.


    However, there were boundaries though. We both had different opinions and different methods of working which at times can clash and it was difficult to sometimes not take things personally.


    I think it worked well as we became friends through work. As much as I love the close friends I have in my life and consider our friendship to be strong, I'm sure working with any one of them could break up that friendship.
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