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    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 11:21 AM
    • 76Posts
    • 34Thanks
    henry24
    Advice needed
    • #1
    • 1st Dec 17, 11:21 AM
    Advice needed 1st Dec 17 at 11:21 AM
    Along the road from us is a single female who we have know for 10 years who I have done little jobs for and who comes for a meal maybe once a month with no problems, two years ago she had a baby who we have both looked after and enjoyed time with. My wife has now decided that I'm getting to involved with the child and mother and that I will not visit again, this is something I cant agree with so is causing a lot of arguments between us.
    Who's right what do other females think?
Page 3
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 1st Dec 17, 6:52 PM
    • 2,551 Posts
    • 6,222 Thanks
    ska lover
    This is one of the things i'm worried about if I give in now will something else happen later
    Originally posted by henry24


    It is not about ''giving in'' - that sounds like something a teenager would say! Not something a middle aged man would come out with

    It is about doing the right thing, having respect for your wife, forsaking all others for her, wanting your wife to be comfortable, putting your wifes wishes above this other woman, not allowing your wife for one minute to feel second best, making compromise even though you don't agree with it, rather than digging your heels in and forcing the issue to be bigger than what (you say) it really is!

    it is about being a man, a husband. Not a whiney child who cant get his own way about something that ''apparently'' is innocent, but you are prepared to make your wife miserable for...Hmmm this really has the markings of not being so innocent after all, if you ask me

    Your wife is unhappy - why do you insist on continuing in a situation that is making her unhappy?
    Blah blah blah.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 1st Dec 17, 6:54 PM
    • 2,551 Posts
    • 6,222 Thanks
    ska lover
    Only reason I cant agree is because I don't like being told what to do and would never tell her without a good reason.
    Originally posted by henry24
    Hmmmm. Your wife has good reason, she hasn't suddenly changed personality - after being happy with this situation for ten years

    Come on Henry, what is really going on?

    There is more to this than the flabberghasted middle aged bloke routine
    Last edited by ska lover; 01-12-2017 at 6:57 PM.
    Blah blah blah.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Dec 17, 8:11 PM
    • 18,549 Posts
    • 47,766 Thanks
    Pollycat
    she wants all contact between us all to stop
    Originally posted by henry24
    Yes. I think something like this has happened:
    Exactly this ^^^^.

    It may be something like a chance comment from a friend, maybe something like 'your chap seems to get on well with X and her child'.

    Or maybe she's noticed X being (in your wife's opinion) too friendly towards you.

    Or maybe you've said something innocuous that she's picked up on and got her antennae twitching.

    You need to find out what it is that recently changed your wife's opinion of the relationship between you and X.

    Has she said just the visits to X's house must stop or has she said she doesn't want them coming for a meal?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    You need to reflect on what has happened to cause this.
    Because something clearly has.
    • mgdavid
    • By mgdavid 2nd Dec 17, 1:27 AM
    • 5,275 Posts
    • 4,460 Thanks
    mgdavid
    ......... You don't say whether you have children of your own, .........
    Originally posted by JayJay100
    yes he did.

    (hint - post #36)
    A salary slave no more.....
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 2nd Dec 17, 8:38 AM
    • 16,119 Posts
    • 40,019 Thanks
    FBaby
    Hmmmm. Your wife has good reason, she hasn't suddenly changed personality - after being happy with this situation for ten years

    Come on Henry, what is really going on?

    There is more to this than the flabberghasted middle aged bloke routine
    Indeed, something must have happened. It's not about what is 'wrong' but what did happen that made her suddenly think that your interest is not innocent, or hers, or both. Maybe she said something to her? No relationship for 10 years... is she waiting for you?
    • VintageHistorian
    • By VintageHistorian 2nd Dec 17, 9:46 AM
    • 272 Posts
    • 1,766 Thanks
    VintageHistorian
    So you and your wife have no children. You struck up a friendship with a woman 25 years younger than you. At the time wife saw you as stepping up to be a father figure to this woman, a nice gesture and one she probably thought she would have appreciated back in her day if she'd been alone and vulnerable at that age. Fix a few things around the place, make sure she's not being stalked by some nutter, it's all good.

    Then woman has a baby with no father involved and again you step in. Again your wife thinks it's okay, after being fatherly you're now being closer to a grandfather. Again all perfectly innocent, so many young people nowadays lack that kind of support and family connection, and it'll be good for the child to have some kind of male rolemodel in his life. She might even have admired you for it, she always knew you were a caring man and now you're proving it.

    Then you and the wife and the little family go out for a day together. Maybe you and the woman spend some time fussing over the little boy together. Maybe you remind the woman that she needs to remember to sort out some minor household task pretty soon. Maybe you make a few jokes with her about something she's commented on about work, and then fuss over the little boy together some more.

    Meanwhile your wife is stood at the sidelines watching you and a woman younger than her, who has a child (maybe the child she's always wanted but couldn't have? Or maybe a child that she's always insisted she didn't want and you agreed to be childless despite wanting your own family?) that you dote on a bit. Suddenly she can no longer see you as grandfather in this situation. She can only see you as Future Stepfather, especially once she does hit the menopause and you get fed up with her having hot flushes/bad memory/tiredness/irritable/less interested in sex etc etc etc.

    It's so much easier for you to leave when you already have the new one lined up, isn't it? The next one who has a child that already knows and likes you, no awkward "this is my new boyfriend" conversations with the little one, just one day you're a permanent fixture in their life.

    Seriously, stop thinking with your "boo hoo I want to be the one in control here" attitude and start looking at your wife properly. Maybe your life together hasn't been everything you both wanted it to be. There's no harm in that, all marriages turn out that way. You want children but can't have them due to health or money problems. You want a big family but can't afford to have more than one or two. You don't want children but then an accident happens. We rarely get exactly what we want out of a marriage, even if all we want is someone sleeping next to us every single night for the next fifty years, there will be points where even that isn't possible.

    But maybe seeing you with this younger woman on a day out together has reminded your wife of all the times she felt your marriage wasn't quite shaping up. She worked on it, she got through it. But now she's seen what you might have had, and while it's too late for her to do anything about it, you've still got a chance. You can leave her and have the marriage you wanted 25 years ago, with someone else.

    Your wife is terribly upset, and you are refusing to reassure her by insisting that you have to have your own way. All you are really doing is telling her that her worries are correct. You're emotionally invested in this other woman, and it's only a matter of time before she wakes up to find you've packed a suitcase and are telling her that you're leaving. Don't worry love, you can keep the house, but don't think about going after my pension, we need the money to send the child to a good school. Sorry it worked out this way, but I'm sure you can cope fine, this younger woman needs me more than you do.

    But no, you keep on insisting you ego is more important here. I'm sure it will all work out fine.
    "You won't bloom until you're planted" - Graffiti spotted in Newcastle.

    Make £3 a Day in September 2017 - £29.31/£90 (2017 total - £164.27) | Womble #03 - £4.32 | Overpayments in 2017 - £1063.78
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 2nd Dec 17, 9:55 AM
    • 3,476 Posts
    • 12,540 Thanks
    paddy's mum
    if I give in now will something else happen later
    Originally posted by henry24
    Too right, sunshine and that 'something' will be a divorce petition dropping through the letterbox and your bags packed on the doorstep!

    In your wife's shoes, I too would be very worried, partly by the friend's lack of a man of her own but above all by your dogged determination to do just as you please, whenever you please, without any real attempt to think how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot.

    Mrs Henry: I'm just popping up the road to visit Bob the Bounder, back soon.

    Henry OP: I wish you wouldn't-you know he goes through women like a tornado.

    Mrs Henry: Oh, I know but I do what I want and what's it to do with you anyway..worried he might be better endowed with masculine qualities than you are, titter titter!

    You talk like a petulant child who has had his teddybear taken away. I suggest you grow up sharpish before you find yourself as yet another lonely middle-aged man whose wife didn't understand him!

    Compromise is usually an acceptable answer in situations such as this but your comments suggest that you are determined on your way or no way. I wish you both good luck in finding a middle path.
    • bagpussbear
    • By bagpussbear 2nd Dec 17, 9:56 AM
    • 780 Posts
    • 2,606 Thanks
    bagpussbear
    This is one of the things i'm worried about if I give in now will something else happen later
    Originally posted by henry24

    This is pride talking. Remember, pride comes before a fall.

    Looking at the bigger picture, your wife has had no issues in the last 10 years about this which suggests she isn't controlling or is in the habit of demanding you give up this, or that. Would I be right?

    But now she takes issue, and there has to be a reason for it. If you are genuinely not flirting or giving your wife reason to suspect something is going on, then I bet your wife has picked up something from this woman that something is off. Perhaps this woman said something directly.

    If you wife was telling you what you can and can't do all the time, then yes I would agree that would be unhealthy.

    If this is a one off, which has suddenly changed, and your wife feels strongly about the matter, for goodness sake why aren't you listening.

    Apologies to come across harsh, but stop with the childish 'my wife shouldn't tell me who I can or can't see'.

    So I stick with my original comment, if your wife is more important to you than the neighbour, then drop the neighbour.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 2nd Dec 17, 10:02 AM
    • 18,549 Posts
    • 47,766 Thanks
    Pollycat
    With quite a few posters pointing out that the recent attitude change of Mrs Henry is significant, let's hope the OP has a really good think about what's caused the change instead of stamping his foot and insisting he's going to do what he wants.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 2nd Dec 17, 11:10 AM
    • 169 Posts
    • 311 Thanks
    JayJay100
    yes he did.

    (hint - post #36)
    Originally posted by mgdavid
    Thank you for pointing that out. He hadn't at the time I was typing my response, but I was delayed in posting it, and I didn't think it was worth editing it, as it didn't really change the points I was making at the time.
    • mgdavid
    • By mgdavid 2nd Dec 17, 5:07 PM
    • 5,275 Posts
    • 4,460 Thanks
    mgdavid
    So you and your wife have no children. You struck up a friendship with a woman 25 years younger than you. At the time wife saw you as stepping up to be a father figure to this woman, a nice gesture and one she probably thought she would have appreciated back in her day if she'd been alone and vulnerable at that age. Fix a few things around the place, make sure she's not being stalked by some nutter, it's all good.

    Then woman has a baby with no father involved and again you step in. Again your wife thinks it's okay, after being fatherly you're now being closer to a grandfather. Again all perfectly innocent, so many young people nowadays lack that kind of support and family connection, and it'll be good for the child to have some kind of male rolemodel in his life. She might even have admired you for it, she always knew you were a caring man and now you're proving it.

    Then you and the wife and the little family go out for a day together. Maybe you and the woman spend some time fussing over the little boy together. Maybe you remind the woman that she needs to remember to sort out some minor household task pretty soon. Maybe you make a few jokes with her about something she's commented on about work, and then fuss over the little boy together some more.

    Meanwhile your wife is stood at the sidelines watching you and a woman younger than her, who has a child (maybe the child she's always wanted but couldn't have? Or maybe a child that she's always insisted she didn't want and you agreed to be childless despite wanting your own family?) that you dote on a bit. Suddenly she can no longer see you as grandfather in this situation. She can only see you as Future Stepfather, especially once she does hit the menopause and you get fed up with her having hot flushes/bad memory/tiredness/irritable/less interested in sex etc etc etc.

    It's so much easier for you to leave when you already have the new one lined up, isn't it? The next one who has a child that already knows and likes you, no awkward "this is my new boyfriend" conversations with the little one, just one day you're a permanent fixture in their life.

    Seriously, stop thinking with your "boo hoo I want to be the one in control here" attitude and start looking at your wife properly. Maybe your life together hasn't been everything you both wanted it to be. There's no harm in that, all marriages turn out that way. You want children but can't have them due to health or money problems. You want a big family but can't afford to have more than one or two. You don't want children but then an accident happens. We rarely get exactly what we want out of a marriage, even if all we want is someone sleeping next to us every single night for the next fifty years, there will be points where even that isn't possible.

    But maybe seeing you with this younger woman on a day out together has reminded your wife of all the times she felt your marriage wasn't quite shaping up. She worked on it, she got through it. But now she's seen what you might have had, and while it's too late for her to do anything about it, you've still got a chance. You can leave her and have the marriage you wanted 25 years ago, with someone else.

    Your wife is terribly upset, and you are refusing to reassure her by insisting that you have to have your own way. All you are really doing is telling her that her worries are correct. You're emotionally invested in this other woman, and it's only a matter of time before she wakes up to find you've packed a suitcase and are telling her that you're leaving. Don't worry love, you can keep the house, but don't think about going after my pension, we need the money to send the child to a good school. Sorry it worked out this way, but I'm sure you can cope fine, this younger woman needs me more than you do.

    But no, you keep on insisting you ego is more important here. I'm sure it will all work out fine.
    Originally posted by VintageHistorian
    Not bad; have you been writing short stories very long?
    A salary slave no more.....
    • sheramber
    • By sheramber 2nd Dec 17, 7:03 PM
    • 3,967 Posts
    • 2,951 Thanks
    sheramber
    Your wife may see something you do not.

    We had two people come to out training class.

    The female was obviously becoming interested in the male.

    The male had marriage problems but was still living with his wife.

    Several months after he eventually split up with his wife 9 the reason was her unacceptable behaviour , nothing to do with him) he realised the female's interest in him.

    They have now been together for many years.

    He was surprised that we all knew the female was 'after' him as he did see the efforts she was making to be with him at events, workshops etc. He just saw her as one of the crowd.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 2nd Dec 17, 8:15 PM
    • 29,843 Posts
    • 55,817 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    I wonder if Henry expected us to say his wife was being unreasonable so that he could carry on with a flirtatious relationship with the young woman with a clear conscience?

    I don't think it is more than that; but I agree with others - something happened on that day out.

    Henry, put your wife first, she is unhappy.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 2nd Dec 17, 9:52 PM
    • 2,551 Posts
    • 6,222 Thanks
    ska lover
    I wonder if Henry expected us to say his wife was being unreasonable .
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    This occurred to me, and some people did begin to go down this route with the mention of Menopause being at the root of it, which I found rather astounding to be honest
    Blah blah blah.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 2nd Dec 17, 10:14 PM
    • 438 Posts
    • 877 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    This occurred to me, and some people did begin to go down this route with the mention of Menopause being at the root of it, which I found rather astounding to be honest
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Not to mention the poster who said that this was controlling behaviour so he should get together an emergency fund in order to flee an abusive marriage!
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 3rd Dec 17, 1:05 AM
    • 29,843 Posts
    • 55,817 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    This occurred to me, and some people did begin to go down this route with the mention of Menopause being at the root of it, which I found rather astounding to be honest
    Originally posted by ska lover
    I mentioned menopause. I just meant that maybe his wife was feeling particularly vulnerable because of it, not that she was acting unreasonably.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • -taff
    • By -taff 3rd Dec 17, 3:37 AM
    • 7,161 Posts
    • 5,159 Thanks
    -taff
    To try and answer some points,I have tried asking her what's wrong but never get an answer , we have no children, she wants all contact between us all to stop and it has for the last 4 weeks but every day she keeps going on about her. friend has been single all the time apart from the odd boyfriend.
    Originally posted by henry24
    I thought I'd quote this for all the people who haven't obviously read it and keep asking have you asked her what's wrong.

    So, if she won't tell you what's wrong, then you'll have to keep asking in new and different ways.
    Try starting with, I know you're upset, but I don't understand what's changed to make you feel like our joint friendship with wotsername and baby wotsername is over. Did something on the day out we had? Did I say or do anything to make you feel that the friendship is suspect in some way?
    End with something along the lines of , Our friendship with wotsername and the baby wotsername is important to me, but you are more important, and I'd like to get the bottom of what the problem is. PLease can we discuss this?

    If she's the type of person who is not going to etll you and just sulk, then there's nothing much you can do except decide whether it's wotsername and child, or your wife.

    Also, if the friendship is definitely over, then one of you will be telling the wotsername, so bear that in mind too.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 3rd Dec 17, 8:25 AM
    • 18,549 Posts
    • 47,766 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I thought I'd quote this for all the people who haven't obviously read it and keep asking have you asked her what's wrong.

    So, if she won't tell you what's wrong, then you'll have to keep asking in new and different ways.
    Try starting with, I know you're upset, but I don't understand what's changed to make you feel like our joint friendship with wotsername and baby wotsername is over. Did something on the day out we had? Did I say or do anything to make you feel that the friendship is suspect in some way?
    End with something along the lines of , Our friendship with wotsername and the baby wotsername is important to me, but you are more important, and I'd like to get the bottom of what the problem is. PLease can we discuss this?

    If she's the type of person who is not going to etll you and just sulk, then there's nothing much you can do except decide whether it's wotsername and child, or your wife.

    Also, if the friendship is definitely over, then one of you will be telling the wotsername, so bear that in mind too.
    Originally posted by -taff
    I have a sneaky suspicion that Henry knows exactly what's wrong with Mrs Henry.
    • -taff
    • By -taff 3rd Dec 17, 12:10 PM
    • 7,161 Posts
    • 5,159 Thanks
    -taff
    I suspect he knows yes, but she won't say, which is exactly the same thing as not knowing.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 3rd Dec 17, 12:13 PM
    • 18,549 Posts
    • 47,766 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I suspect he knows yes, but she won't say, which is exactly the same thing as not knowing.
    Originally posted by -taff
    I don't think it is the same thing.

    If he knows but she hasn't confirmed it i.e. 'won't say', then he does know.
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