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  • FIRST POST
    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 11:21 AM
    • 76Posts
    • 34Thanks
    henry24
    Advice needed
    • #1
    • 1st Dec 17, 11:21 AM
    Advice needed 1st Dec 17 at 11:21 AM
    Along the road from us is a single female who we have know for 10 years who I have done little jobs for and who comes for a meal maybe once a month with no problems, two years ago she had a baby who we have both looked after and enjoyed time with. My wife has now decided that I'm getting to involved with the child and mother and that I will not visit again, this is something I cant agree with so is causing a lot of arguments between us.
    Who's right what do other females think?
Page 2
    • bagpussbear
    • By bagpussbear 1st Dec 17, 1:57 PM
    • 780 Posts
    • 2,606 Thanks
    bagpussbear
    Your wife is feeling insecure about the situation. Perhaps she has grounds to, perhaps not.

    At the end of the day, who is more important to you - the neighbour or your wife?

    Drop the neighbour.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 1st Dec 17, 1:59 PM
    • 3,133 Posts
    • 7,318 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    I agree, it's not right for her to tell you what to do - but I think you need a conversation to understand why. And when I say 'why', I don't mean "why on EARTH are you stopping me, what's your problem?" but "after our conversation the other week I was wondering how you're feeling, because I'd really like to know if there's something that's upsetting you".

    It sounds like she's feeling perhaps insecure, menopausal, invisible, comparing herself to this other woman, maybe? Do you have your own kids and grandkids? If not, is there something about this child feeling a bit like a grandchild to spend your time with? Or has someone said something to her to suggest that your behaviours isn't okay, and she's got worried about it? You need to understand where this has come from - but do it gently without rowing.

    I don't agree it sounds like a controlling or potentially abusive marriage, though. People say things, and unless they go alongside other behaviours, or there's a pattern, then I wouldn't be concerned at all.
    Originally posted by KiKi

    I'd agree - if the friendship was ok beforehand then something has caused the wife to change her opinion and it's this you need to discuss.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


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    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 1st Dec 17, 2:08 PM
    • 1,106 Posts
    • 1,221 Thanks
    NeilCr
    I agree, it's not right for her to tell you what to do - but I think you need a conversation to understand why. And when I say 'why', I don't mean "why on EARTH are you stopping me, what's your problem?" but "after our conversation the other week I was wondering how you're feeling, because I'd really like to know if there's something that's upsetting you".

    It sounds like she's feeling perhaps insecure, menopausal, invisible, comparing herself to this other woman, maybe? Do you have your own kids and grandkids? If not, is there something about this child feeling a bit like a grandchild to spend your time with? Or has someone said something to her to suggest that your behaviours isn't okay, and she's got worried about it? You need to understand where this has come from - but do it gently without rowing.

    I don't agree it sounds like a controlling or potentially abusive marriage, though. People say things, and unless they go alongside other behaviours, or there's a pattern, then I wouldn't be concerned at all.
    Originally posted by KiKi
    Agree with this

    Have the conversation (gently). It doesnít sound like controlling behaviour to me, either. And Iím someone (as is my partner) who wonít be told what to do.
    • svain
    • By svain 1st Dec 17, 2:09 PM
    • 231 Posts
    • 406 Thanks
    svain
    Your wife is feeling insecure about the situation. Perhaps she has grounds to, perhaps not.

    At the end of the day, who is more important to you - the neighbour or your wife?

    Drop the neighbour.
    Originally posted by bagpussbear
    Dropping the neighbour without grounds justs set an unhealthy precedent for the future.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 1st Dec 17, 2:09 PM
    • 3,636 Posts
    • 8,001 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    OMG! .... You really think based on this scenario there is abuse likely?. For goodness sake, based on the info given this is just hysterical thinking and way over the top
    Originally posted by svain
    I know two people who were gaslighted and ended up feeling trapped in abusive relationships that turned violent, and in both cases it started with the partner isolating them from friends for what seemed superficially "reasonable" reasons. It's a major red flag and I'm sorry you think it's hysterical to warn about it.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • svain
    • By svain 1st Dec 17, 2:16 PM
    • 231 Posts
    • 406 Thanks
    svain
    I know two people who were gaslighted and ended up feeling trapped in abusive relationships that turned violent, and in both cases it started with the partner isolating them from friends for what seemed superficially "reasonable" reasons. It's a major red flag and I'm sorry you think it's hysterical to warn about it.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99

    It is hysterial! ... This seems to be just an isolated and pretty innocuous disagreement. At this stage, suggesting it is something far more sinister and that they should start setting up an escape fund is irresponsible
    Last edited by svain; 01-12-2017 at 2:24 PM.
    • WibblyGirly
    • By WibblyGirly 1st Dec 17, 2:16 PM
    • 238 Posts
    • 465 Thanks
    WibblyGirly
    Does your wife want a baby?
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Dec 17, 2:16 PM
    • 18,587 Posts
    • 47,844 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Your wife does not come across as the controlling clingy type, as you say, this friendship has been going on for ten years - and if your wife was controlling, this would have been a problem before now. Something has changed.

    Something has changed here and I don't feel that your wife is the one with the problem when she has happily accepted this friendship for a decade..
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Exactly this ^^^^.

    It may be something like a chance comment from a friend, maybe something like 'your chap seems to get on well with X and her child'.

    Or maybe she's noticed X being (in your wife's opinion) too friendly towards you.

    Or maybe you've said something innocuous that she's picked up on and got her antennae twitching.

    You need to find out what it is that recently changed your wife's opinion of the relationship between you and X.

    Has she said just the visits to X's house must stop or has she said she doesn't want them coming for a meal?
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 1st Dec 17, 2:25 PM
    • 2,552 Posts
    • 6,226 Thanks
    ska lover
    I know two people who were gaslighted and ended up feeling trapped in abusive relationships that turned violent, and in both cases it started with the partner isolating them from friends for what seemed superficially "reasonable" reasons. It's a major red flag and I'm sorry you think it's hysterical to warn about it.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99


    I think you are over the top too. To label someone as abusive based on the tiny bit of info you have on a COMPLETE STRANGER, is serious conclusion jumping. Sorry but it is, its illogical


    I think your past has you twitching at the first sign of trouble, and I am sorry to hear that
    Blah blah blah.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 1st Dec 17, 2:39 PM
    • 30,847 Posts
    • 18,451 Thanks
    getmore4less
    I would like to keep her as my wife. It came out of the blue after all 4 off us had a day out. Only reason I cant agree is because I don't like being told what to do and would never tell her without a good reason. They are not more important to me than my wife I just enjoy my time with the child which may only be a couple of hours every 2 weeks it's not a daily thing
    Originally posted by henry24
    Something happened on that day out.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 1st Dec 17, 2:51 PM
    • 29,855 Posts
    • 55,850 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Something happened on that day out.
    Originally posted by getmore4less
    That's what I was thinking. Maybe the young woman has made it apparent to the older one that she looks upon her husband as something other than a surrogate Grandad.

    As someone else has said, women are good at noticing these things.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • Judi
    • By Judi 1st Dec 17, 3:12 PM
    • 15,471 Posts
    • 63,917 Thanks
    Judi
    It came out of the blue after all 4 off us had a day out. Only reason I cant agree is because I don't like being told what to do and would never tell her without a good reason. They are not more important to me than my wife I just enjoy my time with the child which may only be a couple of hours every 2 weeks it's not a daily thing
    A day out is more than a couple of hours every 2 weeks... just saying.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 1st Dec 17, 3:27 PM
    • 16,148 Posts
    • 40,063 Thanks
    FBaby
    If you've been friends for 10 years and it only suddenly become an issue, then something has changed. Has your wife told you why it has become an issue?

    Has the neighbour been single for the whole 10 years?
    • CurlySue2017
    • By CurlySue2017 1st Dec 17, 3:56 PM
    • 35 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    CurlySue2017
    A ridiculous & judgemental leap
    Originally posted by svain
    Your opinion, which you are perfectly entitled to.

    However my post was my opinion, which I am also perfectly entitled to.

    The OP asked for opinions, so that is what they got
    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 4:08 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    henry24
    Dropping the neighbour without grounds justs set an unhealthy precedent for the future.
    Originally posted by svain
    This is one of the things i'm worried about if I give in now will something else happen later
    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 4:20 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    henry24
    To try and answer some points,I have tried asking her what's wrong but never get an answer , we have no children, she wants all contact between us all to stop and it has for the last 4 weeks but every day she keeps going on about her. friend has been single all the time apart from the odd boyfriend.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 1st Dec 17, 4:28 PM
    • 509 Posts
    • 977 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    Perhaps she thinks your interest in this woman's child in unhealthy in some way?
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 1st Dec 17, 4:37 PM
    • 1,315 Posts
    • 1,072 Thanks
    Comms69
    Perhaps she thinks your interest in this woman's child in unhealthy in some way?
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    In what way? just curious
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 1st Dec 17, 5:07 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 321 Thanks
    JayJay100
    I would like to keep her as my wife. It came out of the blue after all 4 off us had a day out. Only reason I cant agree is because I don't like being told what to do and would never tell her without a good reason. They are not more important to me than my wife I just enjoy my time with the child which may only be a couple of hours every 2 weeks it's not a daily thing
    Originally posted by henry24
    There could be good reason in her eyes. It sounds as though something happened on that day out, and maybe you didn't even pick up on it. It could be something as a minor as a shared look, or a joke that you and your friend shared, which your wife didn't get. How does the child react to you? If he/she is starting to treat you as a father-figure, that could be too close for comfort for your wife, and, in a way I understand it. You don't say whether you have children of your own, but if you haven't, this could be hitting a nerve with your wife.

    Not many people do like to be told what to do, but I presume by the very fact that you're still married means that your wife doesn't make a habit of it; if she's done this out of the blue, either something major has happened to trigger it, or it's been an accumulation of things, and something minor has tipped her over the edge.

    This may sound stupid, but have you actually asked your wife why she wants all contact severed? What has triggered it? Just taking the time to sit and listen, and perhaps reassure her could make all the difference. I've noticed in another post that the woman is 25 years younger than you; for many women this is the very thing that makes it more likely that they could be about to lose their husband: everyone has heard of the 'left for a younger woman' scenario. If you do try to reassure her, it needs to be along the lines of the reasons why you want to be with your wife, rather than why you couldn't be with the other woman.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 1st Dec 17, 5:10 PM
    • 509 Posts
    • 977 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    Does your wife want a baby?
    Originally posted by WibblyGirly
    In what way? just curious
    Originally posted by Comms69
    Well, she might think it was really dubious or she might just think he was getting too attached to a child who's no relative. She might be trying to protect either the child or her husband.
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