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    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 11:21 AM
    • 76Posts
    • 34Thanks
    henry24
    Advice needed
    • #1
    • 1st Dec 17, 11:21 AM
    Advice needed 1st Dec 17 at 11:21 AM
    Along the road from us is a single female who we have know for 10 years who I have done little jobs for and who comes for a meal maybe once a month with no problems, two years ago she had a baby who we have both looked after and enjoyed time with. My wife has now decided that I'm getting to involved with the child and mother and that I will not visit again, this is something I cant agree with so is causing a lot of arguments between us.
    Who's right what do other females think?
Page 1
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 1st Dec 17, 11:24 AM
    • 1,228 Posts
    • 1,011 Thanks
    Comms69
    • #2
    • 1st Dec 17, 11:24 AM
    • #2
    • 1st Dec 17, 11:24 AM
    The question is - are you getting too attached?


    Presumably the child isn't yours?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 1st Dec 17, 11:26 AM
    • 28,633 Posts
    • 72,954 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #3
    • 1st Dec 17, 11:26 AM
    • #3
    • 1st Dec 17, 11:26 AM
    My wife has now decided that I'm getting to involved with the child and mother
    Originally posted by henry24
    Why does she think this?

    Are you spending more time with the friend?

    Do you hurry off to do DIY for her when there are things being left undone at home?
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 1st Dec 17, 11:46 AM
    • 3,610 Posts
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    onomatopoeia99
    • #4
    • 1st Dec 17, 11:46 AM
    • #4
    • 1st Dec 17, 11:46 AM
    I think that neither party in what is supposed to be a loving relationship should ever dictate what the other does. That's controlling behaviour and you should consider creating an emergency fund in a separate account, in case you need to escape a relationship which looks like it could turn abusive.

    If you were a woman, the suggestion here would be to get on to women's aid immediately, but you'll probably get suspicion that you're lining up the woman down the road as a potential mistress instead.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 1st Dec 17, 12:09 PM
    • 29,843 Posts
    • 55,817 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    • #5
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:09 PM
    • #5
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:09 PM
    I think that neither party in what is supposed to be a loving relationship should ever dictate what the other does. That's controlling behaviour and you should consider creating an emergency fund in a separate account, in case you need to escape a relationship which looks like it could turn abusive.

    If you were a woman, the suggestion here would be to get on to women's aid immediately, but you'll probably get suspicion that you're lining up the woman down the road as a potential mistress instead.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99
    I don't think someone who is in a loving relationship should do something that makes the other one unhappy.

    You need to find out why your wife thinks the way she does and sort the situation out. Is your wife feeling neglected and unloved, or unappreciated? Is she going through the menopause and feeling old and useless? Or are you in fact paying too much attention to the woman down the road?

    Sort these things out and come to an agreement. This may mean that you support the woman together, and don't see her separately.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 1st Dec 17, 12:13 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 311 Thanks
    JayJay100
    • #6
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:13 PM
    • #6
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:13 PM
    Oh, this is a tricky one, and there's something that is making your wife feel very insecure in this situation. Really, as she's your wife, and presumably you want to keep it that way, you should put her feelings first. Is it a situation that has escalated to the point where she's finally said 'no more', or has she just hit you with that, out of the blue. Why can't you agree to it? Why is the other woman and child more important to you, than your wife's feelings?
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 1st Dec 17, 12:21 PM
    • 3,129 Posts
    • 7,301 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    • #7
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:21 PM
    • #7
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:21 PM
    Why won't you back off? Both of you can still be friendly with the friend without being so hands on.


    If this woman means more to you than your wife's feelings then that answers your question - & fully justifies your wife's request.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


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    • starting_again_in_the_sun
    • By starting_again_in_the_sun 1st Dec 17, 12:27 PM
    • 49 Posts
    • 173 Thanks
    starting_again_in_the_sun
    • #8
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:27 PM
    • #8
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:27 PM
    When you say you 'both' look after the child, do you mean you and your wife, or you and the other woman?

    Your wife obviously has concerns, we can't really say if they're fair or not... How much time do you spend with the other woman?
    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 12:37 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    henry24
    • #9
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:37 PM
    • #9
    • 1st Dec 17, 12:37 PM
    The question is - are you getting too attached?


    Presumably the child isn't yours?
    Originally posted by Comms69

    No not mine
    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 12:45 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    henry24
    Why does she think this?

    Are you spending more time with the friend?

    Do you hurry off to do DIY for her when there are things being left undone at home?
    Originally posted by Mojisola

    No more time than over last 10 years. Don't do that much for her only the odd time never when needed at home.
    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 12:48 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    henry24
    I think that neither party in what is supposed to be a loving relationship should ever dictate what the other does. That's controlling behaviour and you should consider creating an emergency fund in a separate account, in case you need to escape a relationship which looks like it could turn abusive.

    If you were a woman, the suggestion here would be to get on to women's aid immediately, but you'll probably get suspicion that you're lining up the woman down the road as a potential mistress instead.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99

    Controlling behaviour is what I'm getting worried about. She's 25 years younger than me so unlikely a mistress just a friend
    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 12:54 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    henry24
    I don't think someone who is in a loving relationship should do something that makes the other one unhappy.

    You need to find out why your wife thinks the way she does and sort the situation out. Is your wife feeling neglected and unloved, or unappreciated? Is she going through the menopause and feeling old and useless? Or are you in fact paying too much attention to the woman down the road?

    Sort these things out and come to an agreement. This may mean that you support the woman together, and don't see her separately.
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend

    The menopause is something she's been test for but nothing showing. In the last year I have seen the other woman about 5 times on my own and that's only been to pick the child up so only for minutes.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 1st Dec 17, 12:58 PM
    • 29,843 Posts
    • 55,817 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    I think your wife is feeling vulnerable and the other woman being so much younger doesn't help. Give your wife some TLC and don't see the young woman on your own.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 1:03 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    henry24
    Oh, this is a tricky one, and there's something that is making your wife feel very insecure in this situation. Really, as she's your wife, and presumably you want to keep it that way, you should put her feelings first. Is it a situation that has escalated to the point where she's finally said 'no more', or has she just hit you with that, out of the blue. Why can't you agree to it? Why is the other woman and child more important to you, than your wife's feelings?
    Originally posted by JayJay100

    I would like to keep her as my wife. It came out of the blue after all 4 off us had a day out. Only reason I cant agree is because I don't like being told what to do and would never tell her without a good reason. They are not more important to me than my wife I just enjoy my time with the child which may only be a couple of hours every 2 weeks it's not a daily thing
    • henry24
    • By henry24 1st Dec 17, 1:05 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    henry24
    When you say you 'both' look after the child, do you mean you and your wife, or you and the other woman?

    Your wife obviously has concerns, we can't really say if they're fair or not... How much time do you spend with the other woman?
    Originally posted by starting_again_in_the_sun

    Me and my wife, only minutes on my own with her.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 1st Dec 17, 1:13 PM
    • 2,550 Posts
    • 6,222 Thanks
    ska lover
    They are not more important to me than my wife I just enjoy my time with the child which may only be a couple of hours every 2 weeks it's not a daily thing
    Originally posted by henry24



    Your wife does not come across as the controlling clingy type, as you say, this friendship has been going on for ten years - and if your wife was controlling, this would have been a problem before now. Something has changed.


    At the minute, you are putting this other ladys feelings above your wifes


    It is not a case of ''being told what to do'' - that phrase sounds really childish and a complete lack of understanding of the whole situation


    It is about not deliberately doing something that your wife is uncomfortable with.


    The signal you are sending is, that you would rather your wife be unhappy in order to spend time with this other family and it is that important to you, you are prepared to argue with your wife over 'a friendship'

    Something has changed here and I don't feel that your wife is the one with the problem when she has happily accepted this friendship for a decade..
    Last edited by ska lover; 01-12-2017 at 2:00 PM.
    Blah blah blah.
    • KiKi
    • By KiKi 1st Dec 17, 1:15 PM
    • 4,930 Posts
    • 8,005 Thanks
    KiKi
    I agree, it's not right for her to tell you what to do - but I think you need a conversation to understand why. And when I say 'why', I don't mean "why on EARTH are you stopping me, what's your problem?" but "after our conversation the other week I was wondering how you're feeling, because I'd really like to know if there's something that's upsetting you".

    It sounds like she's feeling perhaps insecure, menopausal, invisible, comparing herself to this other woman, maybe? Do you have your own kids and grandkids? If not, is there something about this child feeling a bit like a grandchild to spend your time with? Or has someone said something to her to suggest that your behaviours isn't okay, and she's got worried about it? You need to understand where this has come from - but do it gently without rowing.

    I don't agree it sounds like a controlling or potentially abusive marriage, though. People say things, and unless they go alongside other behaviours, or there's a pattern, then I wouldn't be concerned at all.
    ' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".
    • CurlySue2017
    • By CurlySue2017 1st Dec 17, 1:17 PM
    • 35 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    CurlySue2017
    Controlling behaviour is what I'm getting worried about. She's 25 years younger than me so unlikely a mistress just a friend
    Originally posted by henry24
    This is what your wife is probably picking up on.....and I would be too!

    Unlikely??? Not good enough I'm afraid.

    Your post here sounds like......The only reason nothing has happened is because she is 25 years younger, so if she were a similar age, chances are somehing would happen.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 1st Dec 17, 1:44 PM
    • 9,830 Posts
    • 12,480 Thanks
    hazyjo
    If she made a pass at you - what would you do? If you'd be horrified, it's different to going along with it or fantasising about it. So you need to be honest about it to yourself (if not on here).


    Women are generally good at picking up on vibes. You may not think you or her are being flirty, but perhaps something has changed.


    Sometimes we fall in love with people when we get to know them. It's a big age gap, but if she's alone with a baby and you've been showing how nice you are, maybe something has changed in how she sees you.


    Yes, your wife may be feeling a bit menopausal and not particularly sexy or attractive next to the other woman, so maybe you should try to show her you still love her and find her attractive. If you have no sex life at home, I too would be concerned. Maybe your wife has been speaking with friends who have been saying they'd be concerned. Sometimes it just takes one comment to sow that seed of doubt...
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • svain
    • By svain 1st Dec 17, 1:46 PM
    • 228 Posts
    • 403 Thanks
    svain
    Along the road from us is a single female who we have know for 10 years who I have done little jobs for and who comes for a meal maybe once a month with no problems, two years ago she had a baby who we have both looked after and enjoyed time with. My wife has now decided that I'm getting to involved with the child and mother and that I will not visit again, this is something I cant agree with so is causing a lot of arguments between us.
    Who's right what do other females think?
    Originally posted by henry24
    In the eyes of your wife something has changed recently otherwise it would of been an issue far sooner than this. If its genuinely not your relationship with the younger woman that has changed and its all purely platonic then i think you should stand your ground .... however, not at the expense of your marriage, your wife's feelings or her trust in you. I think you need to find out what in your wife's eyes has bought this on


    I think that neither party in what is supposed to be a loving relationship should ever dictate what the other does. That's controlling behaviour and you should consider creating an emergency fund in a separate account, in case you need to escape a relationship which looks like it could turn abusive.

    If you were a woman, the suggestion here would be to get on to women's aid immediately, but you'll probably get suspicion that you're lining up the woman down the road as a potential mistress instead.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99
    OMG! .... You really think based on this scenario there is abuse likely?. For goodness sake, based on the info given this is just hysterical thinking and way over the top


    This is what your wife is probably picking up on.....and I would be too!

    Unlikely??? Not good enough I'm afraid.

    Your post here sounds like......The only reason nothing has happened is because she is 25 years younger, so if she were a similar age, chances are somehing would happen.
    Originally posted by CurlySue2017
    A ridiculous & judgemental leap
    Last edited by svain; 01-12-2017 at 1:52 PM.
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