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    • alison_1989
    • By alison_1989 28th Nov 17, 10:11 PM
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    alison_1989
    Can a relationship work without chemistry?
    • #1
    • 28th Nov 17, 10:11 PM
    Can a relationship work without chemistry? 28th Nov 17 at 10:11 PM
    I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months, and I would say a few months back things felt differently, it felt like the chemistry has disappeared. I have the best girlfriend ever, sheís so kind, and caring, everything I wanted in a person, but I donít think thereís any spark I donít think I even want to sleep with her anymore. This is very upsetting because I really want us to work, and I donít think Iíll find someone as caring as her.

    Can a relationship work without chemistry?
Page 1
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 28th Nov 17, 10:29 PM
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    74jax
    • #2
    • 28th Nov 17, 10:29 PM
    • #2
    • 28th Nov 17, 10:29 PM
    No................
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    • passatrider
    • By passatrider 28th Nov 17, 11:11 PM
    • 787 Posts
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    passatrider
    • #3
    • 28th Nov 17, 11:11 PM
    • #3
    • 28th Nov 17, 11:11 PM
    In a word, no.
    • AubreyMac
    • By AubreyMac 28th Nov 17, 11:28 PM
    • 1,224 Posts
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    AubreyMac
    • #4
    • 28th Nov 17, 11:28 PM
    • #4
    • 28th Nov 17, 11:28 PM
    Depends what you mean by 'work'.


    My parents didn't marry for love. In their culture, country as well as generation, getting married was the expected thing to do. And separating/divorce would be scandalous. They've been married 47 years now.


    From my observation I wouldn't say they had chemistry as such. But chemistry and romance is not what they believe in or bought into. They do have a *love and respect for each other.


    *They are both loyal, faithful, trustworthy to each other and will look after one another. Just 2 people mutually cruising along in life together.
    • The Ang
    • By The Ang 28th Nov 17, 11:39 PM
    • 19 Posts
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    The Ang
    • #5
    • 28th Nov 17, 11:39 PM
    • #5
    • 28th Nov 17, 11:39 PM
    Building a relationship or getting married is a decision. Even, to love someone is a decision. When you decide something, things will happen.
    The traditional culture of Asia has proved that. Most people got married because of matchmaker. Many of them never met before.
    • determined new ms
    • By determined new ms 29th Nov 17, 7:05 AM
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    determined new ms
    • #6
    • 29th Nov 17, 7:05 AM
    • #6
    • 29th Nov 17, 7:05 AM
    there is a psychology theory that there are 5 basic elements of what we look for in a relationship - helpfully I don't remember them all but humour, sex, security, connection (and something else!). We all have our dominant 2 or 3 and then the others to lesser or greater extent. For some not having "chemistry" or "a spark" wouldn't matter if their main needs were met and for others it would be a deal breaker. None of us can advise if it is or not for you
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    • ThemeOne
    • By ThemeOne 29th Nov 17, 8:09 AM
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    ThemeOne
    • #7
    • 29th Nov 17, 8:09 AM
    • #7
    • 29th Nov 17, 8:09 AM
    I'd say it can work as long as you're both realistic about what you're getting into.

    But if either of you are still nursing the idea that your relationship is second best because there's no spark, then what would happen if one of you comes across someone where there is a spark?

    Also how does your girlfriend feel? You haven't said.

    In some other cultures, and even in British culture of past centuries, "spark" didn't really come into it.
    • robpw2
    • By robpw2 29th Nov 17, 8:16 AM
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    robpw2
    • #8
    • 29th Nov 17, 8:16 AM
    • #8
    • 29th Nov 17, 8:16 AM
    yes you can have a relationship without sexual chemistry but then you have to have something to keep you together


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    • Grenage
    • By Grenage 29th Nov 17, 8:22 AM
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    Grenage
    • #9
    • 29th Nov 17, 8:22 AM
    • #9
    • 29th Nov 17, 8:22 AM
    It can probably work if neither of you are interested in sex. I'd wager that there are many such couples; if you aren't one of them, then it seems unlikely - at least in a closed relationship.
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 29th Nov 17, 9:25 AM
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    PeacefulWaters
    Sounds like you're probably taking her for granted.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 29th Nov 17, 9:38 AM
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    Mojisola
    But if either of you are still nursing the idea that your relationship is second best because there's no spark, then what would happen if one of you comes across someone where there is a spark?
    Originally posted by ThemeOne
    This is the big risk - unless you have strong social pressures which will keep you functioning well within the marriage despite wishing you were with someone else, it's not likely to be a happy way to spend the rest of your life.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 29th Nov 17, 9:40 AM
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    Judi
    A relationship can have chemistry and still fail.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 29th Nov 17, 9:59 AM
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    hazyjo
    You want it to work because you obviously like being in a relationship and she's nice. I don't think that's enough.


    I only think 'companionship' relationships work if people are in their 'senior years' and looking for someone to share life with so they're not lonely, or if they don't go out much and are unlikely to meet someone who they do have chemistry with.

    I have married with no chemistry, but love. He actually cheated on me! (I always thought it would be me if anyone.)

    My friend is married and hasn't had sex with her husband for prob around 10 years. It's like she just needs him as a dad to their kids, a shoulder to lean on, and for support at home. I don't think the relationship/sexual side of it has entered her head for years. She'll prob have a mid-life crisis when her kids grow up and run off with the postman

    Each to their own I suppose...
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    • haras_nosirrah
    • By haras_nosirrah 29th Nov 17, 10:05 AM
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    haras_nosirrah
    you have to be honest with her - she may well decide she wants more than living with a best friend and go but it would not be fair to string her along
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    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 29th Nov 17, 10:13 AM
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    itsanne
    The difference between an arranged relationship (so no initial spark) and the one described in the OP is that there was a spark. Losing that, no longer wanting to sleep with her, within six months does not seem to me to bode well for the future. If you were years into the relationship I would be advising trying to rekindle the spark, but I'm not sure how feasible that is after only six months.

    Ultimately, it probably depends on how comfortable you both are with little chemistry for years ahead. The importance of sex varies from person to person and as long as you both feel the same it needn't be a problem - but one of you finding it an unsatisfying experience would mean the likely breakdown of the relationship.
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    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 29th Nov 17, 10:31 AM
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    Gloomendoom
    I don't think the relationship/sexual side of it has entered her head for years.
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    What about his?

    She'll prob have a mid-life crisis when her kids grow up and run off with the postman
    Why would they run off with the postman?
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    • mark5
    • By mark5 29th Nov 17, 10:38 AM
    • 1,203 Posts
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    mark5
    No, it will cause issues in the future.
    • cheeky-peach
    • By cheeky-peach 29th Nov 17, 10:58 AM
    • 30 Posts
    • 26 Thanks
    cheeky-peach
    I didn't even realise this was a thing until I met someone who ignited a secret fire inside me and I was devastated to realise that I'd never had this with my (now ex) husband.


    I personally think it's very important!
    • Judi
    • By Judi 29th Nov 17, 11:30 AM
    • 15,463 Posts
    • 63,863 Thanks
    Judi
    I didn't even realise this was a thing until I met someone who ignited a secret fire inside me and I was devastated to realise that I'd never had this with my (now ex) husband.


    I personally think it's very important!
    Originally posted by cheeky-peach
    Well its a good starting point. Something to work on.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • DevilsAdvocate1
    • By DevilsAdvocate1 29th Nov 17, 11:40 AM
    • 1,496 Posts
    • 2,784 Thanks
    DevilsAdvocate1
    I've had relationships with plenty chemistry which massively failed because our personalities didn't work.

    With my husband, there wasn't a massive spark but we just fit so well. I wouldn't want anyone else. I've occasionally felt a strong spark with someone else, but I wouldn't stray as I love my husband. He makes me feel safe and secure. And we laugh together alot. I just wouldn't want to risk that for anything.

    So it definitely can work, but you have to want it to work.

    I have to say though, I had one boyfriend where I knew that I couldn't sleep with him. He was great to be around, but I just couldn't bring myself to take it to that level. So we split up. In your situation where you talk about not wanting to sleep with her at all then perhaps its not going to work.
    Last edited by DevilsAdvocate1; 29-11-2017 at 11:42 AM. Reason: Added something.
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