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    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 22nd Nov 17, 10:19 AM
    • 169Posts
    • 311Thanks
    JayJay100
    New found sister problem
    • #1
    • 22nd Nov 17, 10:19 AM
    New found sister problem 22nd Nov 17 at 10:19 AM
    I've recently found out that I have two half sisters; one doesn't want to know, which is fine, but the other has been keeping in regular contact, by e-mail. We've been getting on well, exchanging a lot of information, and seemed to be similar in nature, with the same sense of humour and what have you. We agreed that we'd both like to meet up, although possibly on the quiet, as she doesn't want to rock the boat with her full sister; I understand that, and I don't have a problem with it.

    She e-mailed on Monday to say that she'd booked us in for afternoon tea, and she's chosen a really nice place. The problem is that she's booked for a time where I'm actually working. I e-mailed back to say that I loved the idea and the venue, but could we change the day, as I'm in work that day. I expected her to say 'no problem', but instead she asked if I could get the time off. I explained that it's not possible, as we have to book in advance and arrange cover. She suggested I pulled a sickie. Again, I said it's not possible, as I'm a manager, the venue is very close to where I work, and I will be dealing with a disciplinary for someone doing that exact thing. Her reply was 'Not that important, then.'

    I e-mailed straight back saying that it was very important, and could we either meet in the evening of the same day, or any day the following week, as long as she can give me some notice to get the time off: she hasn't replied. Usually, she replies within a couple of hours.

    I'm left feeling as though I've done something wrong, even though I know I haven't. I want to sort this out, but I have no idea where to start. Anyone any ideas?
Page 4
    • Sarastro
    • By Sarastro 27th Nov 17, 7:55 PM
    • 347 Posts
    • 276 Thanks
    Sarastro
    I suspect your sister has had her share of difficulties and is now seeking to comfort and protect herself by controlling those around her. One way of doing this is making others feel guilty for anything you can get them to feel guilty for. It's the start of a classic co-dependency. This is hall-marked by one person in the relationship playing the victim; which is what she's doing. I suspect she's just trying to make you feel guilt....again for things you haven't done. The random nature is a result of the fact that she's fishing to find hooks that you will react to.

    She's not going to change her behaviour any time soon. I guess you want to be in contact with her; so I'd keep your distance. Do apologise for not being able to make it but stick to your values and don't comment on the 'pain' you've apparently caused. e.g. I'm sorry I couldn't make afternoon tea; I don't like to pull sickies and it wasn't enough notice for holiday.

    You're not necessarily in a no-win situation. but, If you are going to have a relationship with her, you will need to be really assertive and clear about the boundaries. And be really careful not to get hooked by saying things like, "I am committed", or "I'm sorry you're finding things so difficult". You are not responsible for her happiness.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 27th Nov 17, 9:29 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 311 Thanks
    JayJay100
    I suspect your sister has had her share of difficulties and is now seeking to comfort and protect herself by controlling those around her. One way of doing this is making others feel guilty for anything you can get them to feel guilty for. It's the start of a classic co-dependency. This is hall-marked by one person in the relationship playing the victim; which is what she's doing. I suspect she's just trying to make you feel guilt....again for things you haven't done. The random nature is a result of the fact that she's fishing to find hooks that you will react to.

    She's not going to change her behaviour any time soon. I guess you want to be in contact with her; so I'd keep your distance. Do apologise for not being able to make it but stick to your values and don't comment on the 'pain' you've apparently caused. e.g. I'm sorry I couldn't make afternoon tea; I don't like to pull sickies and it wasn't enough notice for holiday.

    You're not necessarily in a no-win situation. but, If you are going to have a relationship with her, you will need to be really assertive and clear about the boundaries. And be really careful not to get hooked by saying things like, "I am committed", or "I'm sorry you're finding things so difficult". You are not responsible for her happiness.
    Originally posted by Sarastro
    You could well be right, and I can definitely see signs of the victim angle. Good luck to her finding hooks; I will happily use here as a sounding board, but my reactions to her have been on the neutral side. I would have sent one further e-mail, but that would have been it; I've always been a 'meet me half way, or not at all' type of person. I have plenty of experience of demanding and manipulative people, so I could well be ahead of the game with that.

    I would like to remain in contact, but it has to be a sustainable situation: if it isn't, I'll walk away.
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 28th Nov 17, 8:45 AM
    • 3,476 Posts
    • 12,548 Thanks
    paddy's mum
    I suspect that her main feeling at the moment is fear. Fear of you as a very unknown quantity and fear of the older sister who has already shown that she can be "vile".

    It must be hard to keep her balance when the rug has been so comprehensively pulled out from beneath her; hard, too, to try to forge a relationship with a half sister (who at this point in time may be viewed in her heart of hearts as a potential enemy ifyswim) while also making every effort not to jeopardise the existing relationship with older sister.

    With Christmas coming up, perhaps sending a polite but affectionate greetings card would help to keep the channels open.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 28th Nov 17, 9:23 AM
    • 169 Posts
    • 311 Thanks
    JayJay100
    I suspect that her main feeling at the moment is fear. Fear of you as a very unknown quantity and fear of the older sister who has already shown that she can be "vile".

    It must be hard to keep her balance when the rug has been so comprehensively pulled out from beneath her; hard, too, to try to forge a relationship with a half sister (who at this point in time may be viewed in her heart of hearts as a potential enemy ifyswim) while also making every effort not to jeopardise the existing relationship with older sister.

    With Christmas coming up, perhaps sending a polite but affectionate greetings card would help to keep the channels open.
    Originally posted by paddy's mum
    That's really interesting, as I hadn't thought of a fear angle at all: it doesn't come across that way, but I don't know her. It's certainly worth bearing in mind. I'm also an unknown quantity in terms of contesting the will; a different person could be trying to get an equal share, and even though I've said that I'm only interested in what I've actually been left, she doesn't know if I'm lying.

    She's said that her elder sister is lovely, once you get to know her, and has said that her bark is worse than her bite. Her elder sister has definitely had a more difficult life of the two, and it sounds as though she's a bit more grounded. She was vile to me, but I think anyone can be, if the right buttons are pushed.

    Interestingly enough, neither of us has offered up our home addresses. I've avoided it, in case this all goes horribly wrong, and I suspect that she's doing the same.
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 28th Nov 17, 6:05 PM
    • 5,355 Posts
    • 11,020 Thanks
    iammumtoone
    I think some have been unnecessary harsh on your sister. Yes she has acted like a spoilt brat and you have done nothing wrong but those who don't work really have no comprehension of what working life is like.

    I have a friend who doesn't work. Her husband is a manager she is always moaning that he puts work before her, he doesn't but she thinks as manager this means he can do as he likes (leave early, extended lunch etc) she has no compression it doesn't work like that, he has to set an example.

    You are all hurting and trying to come to terms with the situation. You have your mum and dad to talk to about this to ask the questions to try to comprehend it all, she has no one to ask these things.

    For her point of view it must be awful the not knowing, I am hope she can understand her mother not telling her children but as her father has passed she can't find out if he knew. Can you image if he didn't she would be feeling like her whole family were build on her mother keeping secrets. At least you know your mum and dad knew the situation and decided to keep it from you, right or wrong you can appropriate why they did, your sister has none of that back information to help her process her thoughts/feelings. Its like you finding out this after your parents had both passed.

    She is hurting that her mother did not tell her/not knowing if even her father knew then in her mind being rejected by someone she is trying to reach out to. You also have no way of knowing if some of that was put into her head by the other sister ie "I told you she wouldn't want to know she can't even put you before work" that kind of thing.

    I am not getting at you OP and you are right to be guarded in case you get hurt but I think you should cut her some slack for this instance if it was just a one off so far.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 29th Nov 17, 3:20 PM
    • 169 Posts
    • 311 Thanks
    JayJay100
    I think some have been unnecessary harsh on your sister. Yes she has acted like a spoilt brat and you have done nothing wrong but those who don't work really have no comprehension of what working life is like.

    I have a friend who doesn't work. Her husband is a manager she is always moaning that he puts work before her, he doesn't but she thinks as manager this means he can do as he likes (leave early, extended lunch etc) she has no compression it doesn't work like that, he has to set an example.

    You are all hurting and trying to come to terms with the situation. You have your mum and dad to talk to about this to ask the questions to try to comprehend it all, she has no one to ask these things.

    For her point of view it must be awful the not knowing, I am hope she can understand her mother not telling her children but as her father has passed she can't find out if he knew. Can you image if he didn't she would be feeling like her whole family were build on her mother keeping secrets. At least you know your mum and dad knew the situation and decided to keep it from you, right or wrong you can appropriate why they did, your sister has none of that back information to help her process her thoughts/feelings. Its like you finding out this after your parents had both passed.

    She is hurting that her mother did not tell her/not knowing if even her father knew then in her mind being rejected by someone she is trying to reach out to. You also have no way of knowing if some of that was put into her head by the other sister ie "I told you she wouldn't want to know she can't even put you before work" that kind of thing.

    I am not getting at you OP and you are right to be guarded in case you get hurt but I think you should cut her some slack for this instance if it was just a one off so far.
    Originally posted by iammumtoone
    No, I don't think she does have a grasp of what it's like in the working world; I don't have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with the lack of empathy or understanding. The vibe now is that she's remaining in touch despite this, rather than she's thought about it, and realised that she was wrong.

    I don't have my dad to talk to. I discussed it with mum (step mum), and we agreed not to raise it with him. In a nutshell, my mum allowed my natural mother to have some contact, behind my dad's back, and against his express wishes. Yes, there's a lot of water under the bridge since then, but I have feeling he won't react well, and given his health issues, it's just not worth it. In addition, my mum has said that she's told me all she can, and doesn't want to discuss it again. The other sister has no idea that we're in contact.

    I didn't think you were getting at me: it's another point of view, which makes me consider things again, and that can only be a good thing. I am cutting my sister some slack; the temptation was to have nothing more to do her, but I'm happy to see how things work out, for now.
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