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  • FIRST POST
    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 21st Nov 17, 11:04 AM
    • 432Posts
    • 2,962Thanks
    WannabeFree
    ôRock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.ö
    • #1
    • 21st Nov 17, 11:04 AM
    ôRock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.ö 21st Nov 17 at 11:04 AM
    Back in May this year I decided things had to change. I turned to here and received an amazing amount of help and advice. Here I am making a fresh start.

    Debt 09/05/2017

    Council Tax ú2092.71
    Court Fine ú1250
    Court Fine ú200
    Person 1 ú1000
    Person 2 ú1000
    Person 3 ú1379
    Person 4 ú427
    Debt Total ú7348.71

    Rent Arrears ú3381.28

    Total ú10729.99

    *Person 4 ú575
    *New Debt ú732
    *Debt 1 ú387.29
    *Debt 2 ú1451.40
    *Debt 3 ú1137.73
    *EDF ú3140.65

    Total ú18154.06

    *As more comes out from under the carpet I will update here.
    Last edited by WannabeFree; 21-11-2017 at 12:21 PM.
Page 13
    • armchairexpert
    • By armchairexpert 28th Nov 17, 11:30 PM
    • 726 Posts
    • 4,720 Thanks
    armchairexpert
    Wannabe, I really worry about you, but I don't want you to stop posting because of that worry. So please remember that I am an internet stranger and you don't have to care about my opinion.

    Having said that.

    You've got mysterious injuries. You're not eating. You've lost over 10kg in the past few months. You're letting your ex into the house and feeding him dinner, even though he's run up debts in your name that threaten the roof over your head, and I'm not convinced he doesn't have something to do with the injuries.

    I know your Mum disapproves of your choices, and I can see that you don't want to confide in her more than you have and give her more ammunition. But I do hope there's someone in your life who you can trust and who can help you take care of yourself a bit better. I'm really worried about you.

    What do you think might help? You're goal-oriented, so would it help to add small personal goals to your to-do list, like "eat the same dinner as the children twice a week", or "Go one day without washing any bedding"? Are you at a place where you can see those things would be good for you but you're unable to make yourself do them, or are you still not convinced that you deserve food and rest?

    If we can cheer you on any way that helps, we will.
    MFW diary here. 1 Feb 2017 $229,371 - MFD Feb 2043 aiming for May 2028
    14 August 2017 - Refinanced: $220,000
    November 2017 - $216,000.00 Current MFD 31 July 2035
    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 28th Nov 17, 11:57 PM
    • 432 Posts
    • 2,962 Thanks
    WannabeFree
    Wow so many replies.

    I have had toast I think the threat of being force fed from someone helped

    Armchairexpert I don't trust anyone I'm very much a keep my brick wall built high and keep everyone at a certain distance - I suppose I even keep the smalls at a distance to some extent too

    As for the cleaning I still do feel I need to do it all everyday and more than I do because I should do it. I'll never successfully do the amount I think I should do though.

    Food ultimately I don't want to gain weight Again I will never be happy with what 'I am' It sounds ridiculous and probably doesn't even make sense but being alone I have full control over this and when someone isn't there to force food then I don't eat. I don't want to eat. I don't feel hungry etc.
    ôOnce you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.ö
    • armchairexpert
    • By armchairexpert 29th Nov 17, 12:35 AM
    • 726 Posts
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    armchairexpert
    It does make perfect sense. But that doesn't mean it's okay. You're describing disordered thinking and compulsive behaviours that are bad for you. What I'm trying to tease out is whether you know that and are trying to battle it, because I don't really get the sense that you're there yet.

    I know you have various appointments and a doctor, do you discuss this stuff with them?
    MFW diary here. 1 Feb 2017 $229,371 - MFD Feb 2043 aiming for May 2028
    14 August 2017 - Refinanced: $220,000
    November 2017 - $216,000.00 Current MFD 31 July 2035
    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 29th Nov 17, 12:49 AM
    • 432 Posts
    • 2,962 Thanks
    WannabeFree
    I do discuss it with them. I've been under someone for the eating side of things since being a teen. Back and forwards over the years.

    I do know it's wrong and I definitely don't want small ones to think it's normal or do it. However I do like the feeling of 'control' it gives me and I can't lie and deny it. There's other 'behaviours' used too. It goes through phases where my control is using those 'things' and then phases where I do those things less and control it that way too. I've battled with eating/making myself sick etc since being young. As young as I can remember in fact. I think it's always been there.
    I can't say I enjoy it as that's the wrong thing but I do like how it makes me feel in control when I'm in the phase of 'doing'

    I know I can stop ... I think. Maybe not right this minute but the time will come I will stop and it goes away. Then I feel myself losing 'control' and it's the first things I turn to for comfort

    I do speak to the Dr as I said, however I don't 'open' up to a lot of things. I think the 'wall' is very sturdy now after so long and I'm not ready to let that change. Like I said I even keep the smalls at a distance not to let 'them in' and them get hurt


    *If this post offends anyone then please just tell me and I'll delete what I've said.
    ôOnce you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.ö
    • armchairexpert
    • By armchairexpert 29th Nov 17, 12:56 AM
    • 726 Posts
    • 4,720 Thanks
    armchairexpert
    That makes total sense, and you've obviously got a lot of insight into the issue. I hope I didn't offend you! I'm actually really relieved to know that you know it's an issue, because - as you know! - these kinds of disorders do try and trick us into thinking that they're actually on our side, and the people trying to help us are actually against us. So external help, like your doctor or therapist, is really crucial.

    I have a background of addiction and different sorts of compulsive behaviours, so I'm not a million miles away from where you are, thoughts-wise.

    Keep talking to us, Wannabe.
    MFW diary here. 1 Feb 2017 $229,371 - MFD Feb 2043 aiming for May 2028
    14 August 2017 - Refinanced: $220,000
    November 2017 - $216,000.00 Current MFD 31 July 2035
    • pennywisepoundstupid
    • By pennywisepoundstupid 29th Nov 17, 6:47 AM
    • 4,437 Posts
    • 13,864 Thanks
    pennywisepoundstupid
    Just catching up with your diary and it struck me that if you are taking painkillers then you have even more reason to make sure you eat properly or you could give yourself serious stomach problems on top of your other injuries.

    Sorry to nag ... actually I'm not sorry

    Take care of yourself xxx
    Originally posted by shariann
    I'm nagging now, shariann is right about the painkillers and eating. I was on codeine after surgery and even though I didn't feel like eating I would nibble a slice of toast of a couple of cream crackers even if it was 2 in the morning.

    Make sure you eat today, something simple like beans on toast, some soup or cheese and crackers.

    I will be back to check .
    Be mindful of your self-talk. It's a conversation with the Universe."

    Debt free and saving for my future
    • UncannyScot
    • By UncannyScot 29th Nov 17, 7:57 AM
    • 894 Posts
    • 5,193 Thanks
    UncannyScot
    Morning missus

    Have a lovely day...

    I've got Stovies in the big pot should you need any
    (((((HUGS)))))
    BUGGRITMILLENIUMHANDANDSHRIMP I TOLD EM! - Foul Ole Ron
    It is important that we know where we come from, because if you do not know where you come from, then you do not know where you are, and if you don't know where you are, then you don't know where you are going. If you don't know where you're going, you're probably going wrong.
    R.I.P. T.P.
    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 29th Nov 17, 8:07 AM
    • 432 Posts
    • 2,962 Thanks
    WannabeFree
    Definitely didn't offend me Armchair. I just hope I haven't offended anyone in my replies Thank you for stopping in and replying x

    Haha Pennywise. Something will be eaten today.

    Slow down US I did eat something you're getting to prepared
    ôOnce you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.ö
    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 29th Nov 17, 8:10 AM
    • 432 Posts
    • 2,962 Thanks
    WannabeFree
    Morning

    Feeling the late nights I think I'm getting too old :rotf: or my alarms getting earlier.
    Smalls are all up showered and ready - watching rubbish on TV waiting to be collected by the neighbour

    I still feel rough getting boring now So no major plans today. Just cleaning and waiting for the gas man to do the safety check. I feel like non of my posts are very mse like recently
    ôOnce you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.ö
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 29th Nov 17, 9:33 AM
    • 709 Posts
    • 9,694 Thanks
    Toni'sfriend
    Hello W
    Fist of all you are not offending anyone. We are just all very concerned about you. I'm really glad that you've told us about your eating problems etc in your last few posts. I think that many of us had suspicions that you had these difficulties. Do you find it easier to speak about them on here because you're not having to talk to a "real" person? If you are and it helps please keep doing so - you can always ignore what we say in return. I think you're caught in a vicious circle at the moment but I'm sure you can get over it. And your diary doesn't just have to be about debt busting so don't worry if that's had to take a backseat for a little while.
    Meanwhile, I think you and me should head over to Uncanny Scot's and help him polish off those stovies. xx
    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 29th Nov 17, 9:36 AM
    • 432 Posts
    • 2,962 Thanks
    WannabeFree
    Hello W
    Fist of all you are not offending anyone. We are just all very concerned about you. I'm really glad that you've told us about your eating problems etc in your last few posts. I think that many of us had suspicions that you had these difficulties. Do you find it easier to speak about them on here because you're not having to talk to a "real" person? If you are and it helps please keep doing so - you can always ignore what we say in return. I think you're caught in a vicious circle at the moment but I'm sure you can get over it. And your diary doesn't just have to be about debt busting so don't worry if that's had to take a backseat for a little while.
    Meanwhile, I think you and me should head over to Uncanny Scot's and help him polish off those stovies. xx
    Originally posted by Toni'sfriend
    I think it's easier here because no one knows who I am to do anything really in real life to forceful. If that makes sense. Those who do know who I am I know won't take things further. I hope.

    Haha US has already told me he would make me eat stovies Hopefully that's not the real reason he's making stovies today
    ôOnce you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.ö
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 29th Nov 17, 9:53 AM
    • 709 Posts
    • 9,694 Thanks
    Toni'sfriend
    It does make sense and, to be honest, forcing someone to do something never works. So you keep on posting and we'll keep on listening. Have you ever had stovies? t's a brilliant way of using leftovers and getting children to eat veg?
    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 29th Nov 17, 10:55 AM
    • 432 Posts
    • 2,962 Thanks
    WannabeFree
    I haven't ever tried it no. I hadn't really heard of it before seeing it on here x
    ôOnce you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.ö
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 29th Nov 17, 11:21 AM
    • 709 Posts
    • 9,694 Thanks
    Toni'sfriend
    There are lots of different recipes (Uncanny Scot's is different to mine) but basically you take any leftover meat (roast, mince, stew etc) and add diced root vegetables (potatoes, carrot, onion, turnip etc) and stock and that's it. Some people put sausages in if they want it to go a bit further. Would be great for your slow cooker.
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 29th Nov 17, 12:03 PM
    • 8,232 Posts
    • 43,624 Thanks
    EssexHebridean
    Stovies - oh yum!! Comfort food at its finest! Definitely something you need to try WF, I promise you! (and a vote here for sausages going in!)

    That's an incredibly brave post about your eating disorder can I say. Today's "challenge you" question from me then - if you DIDN'T control your eating, what's the worst that could happen?

    Sorry to hear that you're still feeling rough - I suspect now that if you're taking painkillers and not eating much though that's a contributory factor to that. Have you had anything to eat yet today? If so can you try some more toast for us please, and maybe get some soup out of the freezer for later as well? Does it help if you log what you are eating so you can see that you're not taking in sufficient calories to put on weight? I can see that logging food might turn into another thing to focus on "too much" but I suspect that will be healthier than not eating?

    Another thought - can you use the "What would I do if DD was behaving as I am" train of thought to look after yourself with the same love and care you'd give to the smalls? You're totally right - the girls WILL pick up on what you're doing and the risk is that they see that as "normal" which I can see from your posts above is definitely not something you want to risk happening.

    Have a gentle (((((hug))))) to be going on with.
    MORTGAGE FREE 30/09/2016
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    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 29th Nov 17, 12:25 PM
    • 432 Posts
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    WannabeFree
    I don't think eating is the problem I mean I love food. However forcing myself to 'keep' the food is a problem A huge one. With other things being broken just not eating was/is the 'take the easy way out' rather than deal with the fact the normal thing is just to eat food and keep it in there

    I know nothing bad will happen if I just ate food and kept it. I know that but I still don't think like that at the time I know it reads stupid. I know it is stupid. I still can't stop though I regret it once I've done it but it's too late then. I force myself to eat why I do something so I can try to be distracted enough from the fact I'm eating. It doesn't work though However with him here last night it was made sure food was consumed and kept.

    I expect feeling rough is a mixture of everything, along with feeling like I've been hit by a high speed train, dragged along just long enough to mess with enough things it causes hassle but not enough to be too much. Still plodding along though
    ôOnce you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.ö
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 29th Nov 17, 1:23 PM
    • 8,232 Posts
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    EssexHebridean
    It's rational -v- irrational though isn't it - I bet a lot of us have been there with anxiety related stuff (I certainly have!), it just manifests itself in difference ways for different people. We can't help the way our heads work sometimes - don't beat yourself up about it, the very fact that you recognise the irrational is a great sign I suspect.

    You've identified something i there though - that having someone else present helps with you being able to eat and keep - so can you make sure you sit and eat with the smalls, as then you have to present a certain image for them? You say you've not got much appetite, but remember that is a lot to do with you not eating much - that's the body's way of stopping you feeling deprived past a certain point. If you do yourself a portion of whatever the smalls are eating it doesn't have to be a huge plateful - you can just dish yourself up as much as you would for one of them maybe?

    Can't remember if I've mentioned it to you before but there is a rather excellent Scottish NHS sit called "moodjuice" that's got some amazing useful resources particularly on the anxiety stuff - I've used it hence mentioning it here, I KNOW it helps from personal experience. might be worth a browse about.

    I agree with whoever said about small goals maybe being helpful too - and you've found this works on some of the related stuff before, haven't you.
    MORTGAGE FREE 30/09/2016
    Sainsbugs 0% card: 22/12/16 ú1229.00/ú702.45 (20/11/17)
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    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 29th Nov 17, 1:30 PM
    • 432 Posts
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    WannabeFree
    I will have a look over there. Thank you x

    I think it is a step forward even if only small. I've posted here because I know I've reached the point it's too far for this 'time'. The feeling rough, headache/dizziness is no doubt the food. No matter how much I try to convince myself it isn't.

    Now I've posted here I'll have to do something about it

    I will try to eat with the smalls. I don't think they have the effect of force though because they have no idea what goes on. It's just normal I don't have dinner with them because they thought I had it with Dad when he was home etc and it's just stayed that way.

    I DO sit at the table with them though and talk about their days etc so I don't have a reason why I can't eat then too.
    ôOnce you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.ö
    • joeyjimbles
    • By joeyjimbles 29th Nov 17, 1:31 PM
    • 1,429 Posts
    • 7,723 Thanks
    joeyjimbles
    I second the moodjuice recommendation. I was introduced to it for a child, but find it helps me a lot too.
    And eating little but more frequently might help you not to feel the urge to rid yourself of the food. I have no experience of that so I could be speaking completely out of turn, but I do know it's a great way to wake up a diminished appetite.
    Lots of positive thoughts to you from me
    • natsplatnat
    • By natsplatnat 29th Nov 17, 2:04 PM
    • 2,658 Posts
    • 2,359 Thanks
    natsplatnat
    Maybe sitting and chatting with littlies whilst they eat will act as big enough distraction for you to eat as well - maybe funny word game ("I went shopping and I bought an A...." comes to mind, or "all the words everyone can think of starting with 'P'") could engage you all (if you run out of things to chat about)?
    You'll find a way through this! x
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