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  • FIRST POST
    • meeniemo
    • By meeniemo 8th Oct 17, 1:35 PM
    • 3Posts
    • 12Thanks
    meeniemo
    About to tell husband about secret debt
    • #1
    • 8th Oct 17, 1:35 PM
    About to tell husband about secret debt 8th Oct 17 at 1:35 PM
    I've"very cleverly" managed to rack up £45,000 in credit card debt and overdrafts over the past 7 years. I've kept it a secret from everyone until now. I, of course, always thought I would be able to pay it off at some point - I started a business but it didn't work out through a combination of illness and bereavement. I have tried to increase my income but so far have failed.

    My husband is a wonderful man who has supported me since we met 7 years ago. Initially he didn't want me to go back to work full time - and encouraged me to pursue my interests.So he has given me a small amount of money every month, which combined with a contribution from my ex-husband was money used for my own purposes.

    I have been able to pay off the monthly debt payments until now - but have started needing more than my monthly "income". So I know it's time to do something.

    To cut a long story short - something I have been hoping would never happen - now I need to face up to reality and do the right thing and tell my husband.

    It is of course entirely my own fault and I don't blame anyone else. Living with the burden of debt has been horrible. So it will feel good to finally have it off my shoulders.

    However, the hurt to my husband will be awful - he doesn't deserve this. I know he will be angry and hurt and disappointed. It is after all a complete betrayal of trust and I am not sure he will get over it to be honest. While he is very kind and generous on one hand, when it comes to debt and money he is a different person. His brother came to him in need some time ago needing a loan of £3000 - my husband gave it to him but not before humiliating him and making him feel awful about it. He repaid every penny. He divorced his first wife because she had, according to him "a spending problem". So I don't expect any different from him - and of course he has every right to be angry.

    I have pretty much accepted my fate - I actually feel nothing right now. I'm just resigned to telling him and dealing with the fallout. I have hated the dishonesty - so at least I will be able to face up to this and try and put it all right. Just not very hopeful about the outcome!
Page 1
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 8th Oct 17, 2:16 PM
    • 8,479 Posts
    • 45,259 Thanks
    EssexHebridean
    • #2
    • 8th Oct 17, 2:16 PM
    • #2
    • 8th Oct 17, 2:16 PM
    If it's any consolation we've had a number of posts fitting this exact situation here in the past few months, and in every case the other party has stood by the one with the debt.

    is there anything to show from the debt that you can sell?

    You need to go out and get a job - and the good news is that this is the right time of year to be looking at least - you'll get something seasonal even if it's warehouse/shop floor or similar. It doesn't matter what it is, ultimately, it just needs to be something that will let you a) pay at least the minimum payments to the debt and b) start contributing to the household again. Lovely though being a "lady of leisure" must be, generally speaking until you've reached retirement age, you don't get to do that long term. I take it during the time you've not been earning you have been making sure that your National Insurance stamp has been paid? If not then you'll need to start thinking about catching that up too - otherwise even the retirement age leisure is unlikely to be anything you'll be able to enjoy.

    I suspect the key thing here for your husband will be that you show a determination to sort things out - so selling things and being prepared to take whatever work is offered will be positive signs.

    Good luck!
    MORTGAGE FREE 30/09/2016
    Sainsbugs 0% card: 22/12/16 £1229.00/£842.87 (12/02/18)
    SOA Calculator for DFW newbies: Stoozing.com SOA Calculator
    • mumofthetwins
    • By mumofthetwins 8th Oct 17, 2:59 PM
    • 925 Posts
    • 3,920 Thanks
    mumofthetwins
    • #3
    • 8th Oct 17, 2:59 PM
    • #3
    • 8th Oct 17, 2:59 PM
    Hi didn't want to read and run ... just wanted to say that I hope everything turned out ok x

    And keep popping on here we are all hear for the same reason x
    This time I'm sticking with it !!
    Feb £45.14/£300 7/10 NSD
    • DebtFreeDuo
    • By DebtFreeDuo 8th Oct 17, 3:22 PM
    • 777 Posts
    • 4,023 Thanks
    DebtFreeDuo
    • #4
    • 8th Oct 17, 3:22 PM
    • #4
    • 8th Oct 17, 3:22 PM
    Also didn't want to read and run, I agree with above, if you go to him with determination and a plan of action then he will see that you are determined to sort this out. I hope everything goes smoothly for you, the last thing someone needs in this position is to feel humiliated or made to feel any worse than they already do.
    Debt free by Christmas 2018 #004: 2419.69/7445.69
    £2018 in 2018 #25: 210.41/2018
    SPC 586
    • HairyHandofDartmoor
    • By HairyHandofDartmoor 8th Oct 17, 3:33 PM
    • 3,393 Posts
    • 21,446 Thanks
    HairyHandofDartmoor
    • #5
    • 8th Oct 17, 3:33 PM
    • #5
    • 8th Oct 17, 3:33 PM
    You've already had some great advice from other posters, so I just want to say good luck and I hope he doesn't react too angrily.

    Just remember that you are a human being who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, debts or no debts.
    My Diary http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5716867
    Debt in July 2017 = £58,766 DEBT FREE 31 OCTOBER 2017
    NEW GOALS - Build an Emergency Fund & Loss of Income Fund. Then save up for repairs to the house.
    Emergency Fund 1 = £818/Emergency Fund 2 = £0/Loss of Income Fund £0
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 8th Oct 17, 5:10 PM
    • 5,705 Posts
    • 11,299 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    • #6
    • 8th Oct 17, 5:10 PM
    • #6
    • 8th Oct 17, 5:10 PM
    You are not the first one to come on here re secret debt. You will need to get a job to deal with this so I suggest that should be your first goal. From what you say your husband is unlikely to be sympathetic so you need a plan which does not involve him paying it.
    Debt free and mortgage free and early retiree. Living the dream

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • zippygeorgeandben
    • By zippygeorgeandben 8th Oct 17, 9:58 PM
    • 763 Posts
    • 999 Thanks
    zippygeorgeandben
    • #7
    • 8th Oct 17, 9:58 PM
    • #7
    • 8th Oct 17, 9:58 PM
    Try to look at it not as a 'problem' but a 'challenge' you are willing to accept and succeed in.
    Good luck!
    End Sep 2016 End Jan 2018
    £8236.57 £0
    (Tesco 4.8%) £0pcm
    £6185.75 £0(Zopa 4.0%) £0pcm

    £5344.50
    £2190.04 (Sainsburys 0% until 06/19) £140pcm
    £2000.00 £666.70 (Sister 0%) £133.33pcm

    Total debt
    £19.766.82 £2856.74 Original DFD May 2019.
    • LJB290
    • By LJB290 9th Oct 17, 2:28 PM
    • 106 Posts
    • 136 Thanks
    LJB290
    • #8
    • 9th Oct 17, 2:28 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Oct 17, 2:28 PM
    The news will probably be taken "better" if you deliver it with a possible solution or plan....
    This is where I am..... but this is what I plan to do about it......

    Good luck
    • jcorbygas
    • By jcorbygas 9th Oct 17, 2:29 PM
    • 574 Posts
    • 278 Thanks
    jcorbygas
    • #9
    • 9th Oct 17, 2:29 PM
    • #9
    • 9th Oct 17, 2:29 PM
    Hi - just to say that I had to tell my husband about our debts 7 years ago - and they were double the amount you have.
    The only way I could do it was to write it down in a letter to him - explaining how the debts arose and what I proposed to do about them - which in those days was contacting CCCS -now Stepchange.
    I think its better if you do have a plan before telling him so that at least if he has questions you are more prepared.
    Obviously my husband was very upset but we got through it.

    If you need any support please feel free to pm me
    • littlemissbudgetqueen
    • By littlemissbudgetqueen 9th Oct 17, 4:44 PM
    • 34 Posts
    • 55 Thanks
    littlemissbudgetqueen
    Hello - I just want to say good luck. Be open about everything that's all you can do. I'm sure he will have lots of questions and it will help if you are able to give him as much information as possible to help him understand. x
    Car Loan: £14,000 - PAID ,Credit Cards:£4800.00 / £5154.49 Prof. Study Loan:£5137.98/ £8660.00,Argos Card:£217.00/£372.95, Mortgage:£66,000.00 (approx.) /House value£125,000.00
    Goals:
    £350.00
    /£20,000 Savings (ASAP - Sept 2019 at latest)
    LISA: £550.00 NS&I: £200.00

    Weight Loss: 1.5lb / 30lb
    • alibat
    • By alibat 9th Oct 17, 8:55 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 80 Thanks
    alibat
    Just a quick note to say good luck. I was in the same position as you less than a month ago. I know exactly how you are feeling. Despite it being the second time, my husband stood by me. I had all the details written down. The first time I wrote a letter, it made it easier. It's an incredibly difficult conversation to start and I assumed the worst would happen both times . I got a lot of support from people on here. The problem is, by acting as if everything is ok it just gets worse. Hope everything turns out OK.
    • Little Miss Winner
    • By Little Miss Winner 9th Oct 17, 11:32 PM
    • 3,993 Posts
    • 135,990 Thanks
    Little Miss Winner
    Big hugs hun - sure all will work out fine the end xx
    • worriedDan
    • By worriedDan 11th Oct 17, 10:45 AM
    • 189 Posts
    • 566 Thanks
    worriedDan
    Hi,

    I can empathise with how you are feeling. I was in a sort of similar situation myself earlier this year. My wife knew that we had loads of debt but not the exact amount. The relief when it was all out in the open was huge. None of us know you or your husband, so we it would be wrong to tell you that he will be understanding etc, however I totally agree that for you own mental well being, he has to be told.

    He might surprise you - I know that I would be upset that I hadn't noticed it and would question myself. Does he think that you are totally debt free?
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 11th Oct 17, 11:41 AM
    • 8,479 Posts
    • 45,259 Thanks
    EssexHebridean
    Dan you were one of those I was thinking of when I replied! (And Alibat you were another!)

    OP how are things going? Can you pop back and update us?
    MORTGAGE FREE 30/09/2016
    Sainsbugs 0% card: 22/12/16 £1229.00/£842.87 (12/02/18)
    SOA Calculator for DFW newbies: Stoozing.com SOA Calculator
    • sile001
    • By sile001 11th Oct 17, 7:52 PM
    • 89 Posts
    • 87 Thanks
    sile001
    Good luck. I think while your husband will be upset initially, if, as others have said, you come up with a constructive way of dealing with your debt, he will be more understanding than you expect.

    All the best and keep us updated. You’ll get lots of good advice here
    Debt-Free as of 12th September 2017

    £12,000 > £0

    • meeniemo
    • By meeniemo 15th Oct 17, 11:04 AM
    • 3 Posts
    • 12 Thanks
    meeniemo
    So the truth came out - this is what happened
    Sorry not to post for a while. Firstly, thanks everyone for the messages of support - it's so good to know you're not alone and also not to be judged.

    As per my original post, I planned to tell him last Monday but ended up spending most of the day in A&E with my daughter - nothing serious but - that completely messed my intentions up.

    After that I just couldn't get up the same amount of confidence to tell him - then the week gets caught up with kids/school etc etc - but I was planning to broach the subject today.

    Last night though he came storming downstairs demanding to know about the money that had gone out of the joint account - I'd had to use it to pay a minimum payment on one of the cards. I was of course planning to tell him before he saw it for himself. So it all came out in the end - it wasn't the way I wanted it to go, but...

    He has been incredible. He says he is actually relieved as he was imagining all kinds of things - him being relieved is the last thing I expected. He also has been incredibly loving and has felt terrible for not picking up on it sooner and that I've had to carry the burden. I absolutely don't think he should feel sorry for me - it's my own fault and I have no one else to blame.

    But we have talked about it and we are making a plan - and it's very much "we" now rather than me trying to do it all on my own.

    The relief is incredible and I don't think I have actually had time to process it. He wishes I had told him sooner - and now so do I!

    I know I am very fortunate as not everyone would be that understanding.
    So yes, it all worked out - thank goodness - and thank you for the support. It really helped.
    • rockabillygirl
    • By rockabillygirl 15th Oct 17, 11:25 AM
    • 140 Posts
    • 760 Thanks
    rockabillygirl
    I'm so pleased for you. Now you can move forward together and you can tackle your debt with full support. X
    It will all be ok in the end - if it's not ok, then it's not the end!
    Saving for Xmas 2018 #27. :
    Sealed pot challenge #32
    Mortgage paid off.
    • meeniemo
    • By meeniemo 15th Oct 17, 11:39 AM
    • 3 Posts
    • 12 Thanks
    meeniemo
    yes - and also taking some time to think about how I got myself in this mess and breaking any unhealthy patterns of thinking and behaving around money - so that it never happens again.
    • sourcrates
    • By sourcrates 15th Oct 17, 1:10 PM
    • 13,221 Posts
    • 12,640 Thanks
    sourcrates
    Sorry not to post for a while. Firstly, thanks everyone for the messages of support - it's so good to know you're not alone and also not to be judged.

    As per my original post, I planned to tell him last Monday but ended up spending most of the day in A&E with my daughter - nothing serious but - that completely messed my intentions up.

    After that I just couldn't get up the same amount of confidence to tell him - then the week gets caught up with kids/school etc etc - but I was planning to broach the subject today.

    Last night though he came storming downstairs demanding to know about the money that had gone out of the joint account - I'd had to use it to pay a minimum payment on one of the cards. I was of course planning to tell him before he saw it for himself. So it all came out in the end - it wasn't the way I wanted it to go, but...

    He has been incredible. He says he is actually relieved as he was imagining all kinds of things - him being relieved is the last thing I expected. He also has been incredibly loving and has felt terrible for not picking up on it sooner and that I've had to carry the burden. I absolutely don't think he should feel sorry for me - it's my own fault and I have no one else to blame.

    But we have talked about it and we are making a plan - and it's very much "we" now rather than me trying to do it all on my own.

    The relief is incredible and I don't think I have actually had time to process it. He wishes I had told him sooner - and now so do I!

    I know I am very fortunate as not everyone would be that understanding.
    So yes, it all worked out - thank goodness - and thank you for the support. It really helped.
    Originally posted by meeniemo
    You know, i`ve seen no end of posts similar to yours, one partner scared to tell the other about a "secret debt", and for the most part, they have all ended up this way.

    You can intrinsically tell when something isn't right in a relationship, and of course we always fear the worst, like an affair, or a serious illness, the relief knowing its only money must be immense !!

    I hope this thread serves as good advice to other's in similar circumstances.
    Last edited by sourcrates; 15-10-2017 at 1:37 PM.
    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Credit File And Ratings, and
    Bankruptcy And Living With It, boards. "I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly".
    Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.

    For free debt advice, contact either : Stepchange, National Debtline, or, CAB.
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    • DownOnDebt
    • By DownOnDebt 26th Dec 17, 10:17 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    DownOnDebt
    Getting prepared
    I cannot believe I am typing this.....I have almost $50,000 in CREDIT CARD debt. That does not include my student loan, mortgage or car loan. How did this happen? Sadly, my husband has no idea it is this bad. I too thought I would be able to eventually pay it off without him knowing. I am certifiably delusional. And so stupid. I HAVE to tell him. I cannot continue to make the minimum payments that mainly go towards interest. I am FREAKING out. I almost hope he just leaves me. I do not think I can ever forgive myself for being such a terribly wife. I preach to my kids about TRUST. I am such a hypocrite! Please tell me how I can stand to ever look at myself in the mirror again. I hope to tell him tonight if I can find the courage.
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