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  • FIRST POST
    • Westminster
    • By Westminster 7th Oct 17, 4:46 PM
    • 819Posts
    • 501Thanks
    Westminster
    Considering separation from Disabled partner
    • #1
    • 7th Oct 17, 4:46 PM
    Considering separation from Disabled partner 7th Oct 17 at 4:46 PM
    Hi all

    Forgive me if this reads liked jumbled ramblings but this is my thought process so far.

    Background
    We have been married for 12 years.
    We own a mortgaged property together - it’s in both our names but I don’t recall (without digging out the paperwork) whether it’s joint tenancy or tenants in common.

    Draft letter to my wife
    I have been drafting some text to put in a letter to my wife as I expect it all to get very emotionally charged very quickly and I want to make sure I get everything across even if it’s much later that she reads it:

    Firstly I realise that while it is very difficult for me to say these things, it will likely be very significantly harder for you to hear them and for that I apologise. What follows is a rather rambling selection of my thoughts and decision making process over this difficult situation.

    I have been unhappy in our relationship for quite some time although have made several attempts to force myself to change my feelings / views but I have been unable to do so.

    I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed. However I am not ‘blaming’ you for this - I just feel that we have grown apart in the same way many ‘normal’ couples would, we just have an extra dynamic. In all honesty, if it were not for your MS, I would probably have left several years ago so I really have tried hard to make this work.

    While I still have affection for you and do care what happens to you moving forward, I have not felt love for a long time and have felt somewhat trapped by our situation and your condition as I would otherwise have probably done something about this a few years ago.

    I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

    Perhaps you are wondering if there is anyone else in my life - I can 100% percent say that there is nobody else and never has been anyone else. I haven’t as much as held someone else’s hand and I have no interest in finding anyone else at this time.

    The boys are the most important thing to me and to help secure their future I intend to do what I can to keep my flying career so that I can continue to provide you all with a secure home. I hope their sunny disposition can help you through this and will always be on hand to help as and when I can.

    I want to be very clear that I would love to have the boys living with me but its impractical with my work schedule and very unfair for you.

    I hope we can maintain shared custody so that some of the time when I am home (and when convenient to you) the boys could live with me for some of the time.

    I hope that we can keep a good relationship / communication going forward and while I fully expect this news to be extremely difficult, I also think you would very much prefer to keep the boys living with you and I am happy for them to do that and hope we can arrange an informal access program to fit in with my work etc. I intend to rent a property nearby so that I can help out with them as much as possible and so that we can share access / custody of the boys - particularly during the school holidays.

    I hope that once the initial dust has settled, we will be able to share the parenting decisions as much as is possible.

    Obviously the cats were a gift and I am happy for you to keep them. In fact there is very little I would want to take with me apart from those few items I would naturally see as ‘mine’ which would be laptop / server, my car etc. Everything else is up for discussion and I’m happy to leave you with pretty much everything else as you choose. While you may not want me back inside the house, if you do need any help with internet etc them I am happy to offer assistance. I will try to get as much as possible about the household accounts all together so there isn’t much you need to do.

    I’m taking my time over this process before I tell you as I want to make sure your situation is as stable as possible before I leave. I am hopeful that after the initial sense of loss from having to start using aids etc, that you ultimately feel better as your agency staff will be here solely for your needs so you won’t ever feel like you are ‘disturbing’ someone else when you need something.

    I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We don’t have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you won’t be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.
    Last edited by Westminster; 07-10-2017 at 4:54 PM.
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a Board Guide on the following boards: Mortgages & Endowments, Mortgage-Free Wannabe, House Buying, Renting & Selling, Small Biz & Charities' MoneySaving and Charities.

    I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge posts on there. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an inappropriate or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
Page 3
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 8th Oct 17, 8:57 AM
    • 2,633 Posts
    • 3,647 Thanks
    JReacher1
    Do you even need to tell her? Why don’t you just defriend her on Facebook and set your relationship status to “single”

    That would probably be better than sending that letter
    • Ilona
    • By Ilona 8th Oct 17, 9:10 AM
    • 1,961 Posts
    • 6,694 Thanks
    Ilona
    The OP is a Board Guide!
    Originally posted by lincroft1710
    I find this almost as shocking as the letter itself. I can't respect a board guide who could be so cruel to his wife and children.

    Ilona
    I love skip diving
    • bugslet
    • By bugslet 8th Oct 17, 9:11 AM
    • 5,753 Posts
    • 28,193 Thanks
    bugslet
    I think the OP's trying "to do the right thing". He's decided to leave and is at least working out the practicalities, rather than packing a bag and pinning a note saying "I've gone" on the fridge door....

    If the spark's gone, it's gone. If you're not the sort to "soldier on" and "settle for what you've got" and not the "soul mates/dress alike / do everything together" sort then nobody wins by trying to hold on.

    Indeed, her low current mood might be because she's already spotted that "he's going to bugg4h off and leave me soon isn't he".
    Originally posted by PasturesNew
    I'm not an advocate for staying in a relationship if you are not happy, likewise I'm not an advocate for ignoring that old fashioned word, duty. I think you need to 're assess your obligations to your children and your wife.

    It may be helpful to seek outside help, it's difficult to see the wood for the trees.
    • kezzygirl
    • By kezzygirl 8th Oct 17, 9:22 AM
    • 599 Posts
    • 656 Thanks
    kezzygirl
    Hi all

    Forgive me if this reads liked jumbled ramblings but this is my thought process so far.

    Background
    We have been married for 12 years.
    We own a mortgaged property together - it’s in both our names but I don’t recall (without digging out the paperwork) whether it’s joint tenancy or tenants in common.

    Draft letter to my wife
    I have been drafting some text to put in a letter to my wife as I expect it all to get very emotionally charged very quickly and I want to make sure I get everything across even if it’s much later that she reads it:

    Firstly I realise that while it is very difficult for me to say these things, it will likely be very significantly harder for you to hear them and for that I apologise. What follows is a rather rambling selection of my thoughts and decision making process over this difficult situation.

    I have been unhappy in our relationship for quite some time although have made several attempts to force myself to change my feelings / views but I have been unable to do so.

    I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed. However I am not ‘blaming’ you for this - I just feel that we have grown apart in the same way many ‘normal’ couples would, we just have an extra dynamic. In all honesty, if it were not for your MS, I would probably have left several years ago so I really have tried hard to make this work.

    While I still have affection for you and do care what happens to you moving forward, I have not felt love for a long time and have felt somewhat trapped by our situation and your condition as I would otherwise have probably done something about this a few years ago.

    I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

    Perhaps you are wondering if there is anyone else in my life - I can 100% percent say that there is nobody else and never has been anyone else. I haven’t as much as held someone else’s hand and I have no interest in finding anyone else at this time.

    The boys are the most important thing to me and to help secure their future I intend to do what I can to keep my flying career so that I can continue to provide you all with a secure home. I hope their sunny disposition can help you through this and will always be on hand to help as and when I can.

    I want to be very clear that I would love to have the boys living with me but its impractical with my work schedule and very unfair for you.

    I hope we can maintain shared custody so that some of the time when I am home (and when convenient to you) the boys could live with me for some of the time.

    I hope that we can keep a good relationship / communication going forward and while I fully expect this news to be extremely difficult, I also think you would very much prefer to keep the boys living with you and I am happy for them to do that and hope we can arrange an informal access program to fit in with my work etc. I intend to rent a property nearby so that I can help out with them as much as possible and so that we can share access / custody of the boys - particularly during the school holidays.

    I hope that once the initial dust has settled, we will be able to share the parenting decisions as much as is possible.

    Obviously the cats were a gift and I am happy for you to keep them. In fact there is very little I would want to take with me apart from those few items I would naturally see as ‘mine’ which would be laptop / server, my car etc. Everything else is up for discussion and I’m happy to leave you with pretty much everything else as you choose. While you may not want me back inside the house, if you do need any help with internet etc them I am happy to offer assistance. I will try to get as much as possible about the household accounts all together so there isn’t much you need to do.

    I’m taking my time over this process before I tell you as I want to make sure your situation is as stable as possible before I leave. I am hopeful that after the initial sense of loss from having to start using aids etc, that you ultimately feel better as your agency staff will be here solely for your needs so you won’t ever feel like you are ‘disturbing’ someone else when you need something.

    I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We don’t have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you won’t be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.
    Originally posted by Westminster
    What a desperately sad situation. I can see where you are coming from in terms of your whole relationship and feelings have changed, but please, have a talk with her. Don't just give this letter, speak to her face to face-She deserves that. It could be, given her diagnosis, that she is fully aware that your feelings have changed and she herself may be having the same thoughts as you. That said, I do think it's rubbish that you appear to be jumping ship from your terminally ill wife and mother to your children because the dynamics of your relationship have changed. Maybe you could continue to live together with the children, as companions? Does she have any family close by?
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 8th Oct 17, 9:33 AM
    • 18,551 Posts
    • 47,769 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

    I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We don’t have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you won’t be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.
    Originally posted by Westminster
    I agree with other posters that the letter is truly appalling.
    The bits in bold are monumentally arrogant.

    I hope the OP reconsiders how he's going to handle this separation from his partner.
    Regardless of what his feelings are, to put it in writing or even say it is beyond cruel.
    • SunnyCyprus
    • By SunnyCyprus 8th Oct 17, 9:47 AM
    • 60 Posts
    • 151 Thanks
    SunnyCyprus
    Therapist: so, what brings you here today?

    Child: well, when I was 5, and my sibling 4, my dad left us. We had to become carers for my mum who has MS. There were carers who came round 4 days of the week, and family members popped in from time to time, but otherwise it was down to me. I started school, but gradually my attendance got worse and worse. My siblings behaviour worsened and that made it really hard for Mum. Dad was a pilot so he was only around for a couple of days every now and then, there wasn’t any pattern to his visits....


    Do I need to continue? OP, if you want any sort of respectable relationship with your children when they’re grown, I suggest you take a career break, perhaps a year or so, like a lot of mothers do when they become main parent to children.

    Try and turn your thought pattern from ‘Self’ to ‘others’.
    If you want to do something, you will find a way.
    If you don't, then you will find an excuse...
    • meer53
    • By meer53 8th Oct 17, 10:06 AM
    • 8,981 Posts
    • 13,046 Thanks
    meer53
    I feel so so sorry for those little children. Not only do they have a Mummy who is disabled, they have a Daddy who is planning to leave them. I'd like to ask the OP if his wife has any idea, at all, that this bombshell is coming ?

    Too many words to describe the OP that involve profanity but Coward and Selfish are two that don't.
    • scd3scd4
    • By scd3scd4 8th Oct 17, 10:21 AM
    • 542 Posts
    • 431 Thanks
    scd3scd4
    Snap this little diamond up ladies...........he wont be single for long. Only don't get ill and if he ever gets ill just write a nice note and !!!!!! off and leave the donkey!!!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 8th Oct 17, 10:23 AM
    • 7,871 Posts
    • 26,718 Thanks
    Primrose
    I think our poster should seek counselling urgently With these huge distractions to his professional life - and I’m assuming he is a commercial airline pilot with responsibility for the lives of hundreds of passengers in his hands, he should not, whatever our feelings about the coldness of his approach, be trying to tackle his dilemmas alone. I would not like to be a passenger on a plane with a pilot wrestling with issues on his own.

    His wife,s condition will almost certainly deteriorate over time, and whatever happens to his domestic situation they should BOTH be involving the professional caring agencies TOGETHER . The two of them should be making these decisions jointly. She has a right to be involved in decisions about herself and her children. Just because she is physically disabled, I assume she is still capable of using her brain and thinking rationally.

    I imagine both of them are profoundly depressed by what has overtaken them and I hope they are making full use of all professional support services available. Whatever happens in the future they should be making decisions together. Presumably they chose to have the children in full knowledge of what might happen.That joint collaboration should still be happening.

    To give her a letter like this is just like being involved in the ending of business transaction. Whatever his motives, it would crucify his wife She cannot fight back and change her fate. If she collapses emotionally, and who wouldn’t in such circumstances? - has he asked himself what might happen then? His wife might have to move into a care home and his children might have to go into foster care. Is this really what he wants? The best of plans have a habit of unravelling. I doubt whether he will easily find another live in carer who will cover all the things he expects to happen.
    Last edited by Primrose; 08-10-2017 at 10:30 AM.
    • scd3scd4
    • By scd3scd4 8th Oct 17, 10:32 AM
    • 542 Posts
    • 431 Thanks
    scd3scd4
    I imagine both of them are profoundly depressed by what has overtaken them


    I bet she is more profoundly depressed. Sounds like most of he's depressing is his loss not her situation.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 8th Oct 17, 10:52 AM
    • 926 Posts
    • 1,981 Thanks
    annandale
    Where's the follow up? Post and then not bother responding again?

    Come back on and let's hear your response to this crap op.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 8th Oct 17, 10:58 AM
    • 16,119 Posts
    • 40,020 Thanks
    FBaby
    My initial thought was to advice to not send this letter at any cost. Now I think you should, because however hurt she will be to start with, one day she will read it again and realise what a selfish person you were and how in the end, she is much better without you.

    Your letter is all about you. You are writing it to make YOU feel better by trying to justify your actions. It's all about hoping that she will tell you that she understands so that you can cope with the massive guilt you are feeling. Why shouldn't you feel hurt by guilt when she is going to feel so hurt by your desertion?

    It's not about your decision to go. You do not owe her to stay because she is disabled and as you've said, you might very well have not make it even if her life had not been hit by it. Only you know how much you've really tried and whether you've just taken the easy door out. Maybe your guilt is undeserved, maybe it is, but either way, this is an emotion for you to cope with and manage, not passing it on to her to make you feel a bit better about your decision.

    You've decided to move on, fine but take responsibility for your decision whatever the emotional costs. She doesn't need to know what you wish you could have felt, done, give because it's not going to make her feel any better. The only thing that might do is you telling her that there's been no-one else.

    Face the music and deal with the pain of hurting her deeply. She'll have much more respect for you doing so than by you wanting her to forgive you.
    • -taff
    • By -taff 8th Oct 17, 11:15 AM
    • 7,161 Posts
    • 5,159 Thanks
    -taff
    You don't need to convince everyone here about your intentions.

    I wouldn't send a letter. I would ry counselling as suggested, then if that doesn't work, leave. Then you can work out your financial and caring responsibilties after wards.
    And ask for this thread to be deleted. You've posted far too much personal information that I doubt your wife would be happy about and is far too much info for a forum.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 8th Oct 17, 11:19 AM
    • 2,004 Posts
    • 5,519 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    You don't need to convince everyone here about your intentions.

    I wouldn't send a letter. I would ry counselling as suggested, then if that doesn't work, leave. Then you can work out your financial and caring responsibilties after wards.
    And ask for this thread to be deleted. You've posted far too much personal information that I doubt your wife would be happy about and is far too much info for a forum.
    Originally posted by -taff
    Afterwards?

    No, if he's going to be ending the marriage then a plan needs to be in place well before he moves out.

    There are two small children and a profoundly disabled adult who, at the moment, are completely reliant on the OP. I don't doubt for a moment that its a tough situation and there are a lot of hard days and not much rest, but those are not the kind of responsibilities you can just walk away from and hope for the best!

    Carers for his wife will not take on looking after the children too, that isn't their job. A nanny or au pair for the kids will not have the skills or training to care for his wife, and neither is it their job. If he is really planning to swan off and not provide a home for the children, there is a hell of a lot that needs sorting before its safe to do so!

    He's not even taking responsibility for the cats he bought!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 8th Oct 17, 12:06 PM
    • 18,551 Posts
    • 47,769 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Afterwards?

    No, if he's going to be ending the marriage then a plan needs to be in place well before he moves out.

    There are two small children and a profoundly disabled adult who, at the moment, are completely reliant on the OP. I don't doubt for a moment that its a tough situation and there are a lot of hard days and not much rest, but those are not the kind of responsibilities you can just walk away from and hope for the best!

    Carers for his wife will not take on looking after the children too, that isn't their job. A nanny or au pair for the kids will not have the skills or training to care for his wife, and neither is it their job. If he is really planning to swan off and not provide a home for the children, there is a hell of a lot that needs sorting before its safe to do so!

    He's not even taking responsibility for the cats he bought!
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    I've quoted these extracts below from the OP's first post earlier in the thread.
    I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

    I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. .
    Originally posted by Westminster
    I do agree with you that a plan needs to be in place before he moves out but I think he should involve his partner in the plans - after all, it is she and the children who will be most affected - not scurry round in the background sorting things out in secret to present her with a fait accompli.
    • AnotherUserAcc
    • By AnotherUserAcc 8th Oct 17, 12:11 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    AnotherUserAcc
    I'm the OP but having technical difficulties with my account. In the meantime I put together this reply:

    Well I clearly wasn’t expecting a pat on the back but I am a little taken aback at the level of vitriol here.

    That said - most of it is at least somewhat constructive and I have certainly decided against the letter. Not that I expected to just hand it over and walk out, I was thinking of leaving it with her having spoken to her face-to-face.

    Relate is something I will be looking in to.

    There appear to be a few misunderstandings here I would like to address:
    Firstly this is a highly complex situation (like any family) and putting every detail on here in the first post would end up being a novel. Unfortunately people like to tend to fill in the gaps with their own interpretations.

    Fortunately I’m not in a fragile mental state as some of these comments could push such a person to do something very highly regrettable and perhaps people need to consider the impact (like I am from what I have taken away from the comments so far).

    The children will not be carers. We have had a carer (my sister) living with us for the past 2 years and it will be a 24x7 live-in carer that we will have moving forward. She is leaving due to depression. Prior to this we briefly had an agency and then before that we had my mum and mother in law - neither of which were physically and mentally able to continue.

    My wife is perfectly mentally capable to continue her parenting role and for me to take the children away as I am more ‘capable’ would likely destroy her which I do not want to do. Being in a wheelchair with physical impairment doesn’t mean you can’t be a mummy.

    Taking another job will be tricky as I doubt there are many jobs that will have me at home for 60% of the year (far more than most parents) while also allowing my family to continue living in a large house in the south east of england with a commensurate mortgage. The property needs to be large to accommodate 3 bedrooms (including 1 for a live-in carer).

    My expectation is that I would continue to pay the mortgage until the kids are 18 along with spousal financial support and fully covering the children’s expenses.

    I will be living within half a mile and hope to have the children living with me for as much of the 60% of the time I am not away with work. They will likely see me as much as they do now and have done since they were born.

    My wife was diagnosed while we were engaged and we got married 2 years later. The nature of MS is that it his highly variable and when we married you would not have known she had the condition but within 6 months we had her first wheelchair and I quit work shortly after to become a full time carer.

    We barely survived on carers allowance / income support and just about kept hold of our house during the next 2-3 years and I did end up with significant depression during this time.

    She was in a worse state than now and fortunately (10 years ago) she was given chemotherapy as a medical trial which made a remarkable difference to pretty much self sufficiency (while still self-transferring herself to a wheelchair).

    When we conceived our first child she has been medically stable for a number of years.

    Her ability to self-transfer went about 6 months in to that pregnancy but was otherwise relatively stable other than that up until about 3 years ago and it has been a general decline since then.

    Point taken about the clinical nature particularly of my second post. The reason being that I cut&paste the email I sent to a couple of agencies. There are practicalities and as a third-party, it is important they understand what our requirements are before we end up interviewing every single agency out there to be told at the end that they can’t help (this happened to us a couple of years ago).
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 8th Oct 17, 12:18 PM
    • 2,004 Posts
    • 5,519 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    I've quoted these extracts below from the OP's first post earlier in the thread.

    I do agree with you that a plan needs to be in place before he moves out but I think he should involve his partner in the plans - after all, it is she and the children who will be most affected - not scurry round in the background sorting things out in secret to present her with a fait accompli.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Absolutely! And he needs to realise that he can't just walk away and he can't dictate how things are going to be.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 8th Oct 17, 12:24 PM
    • 2,004 Posts
    • 5,519 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    We have had a carer (my sister) living with us for the past 2 years and it will be a 24x7 live-in carer that we will have moving forward.


    Originally posted by AnotherUserAcc
    I think you are being very optimistic about this and not at all in touch with the reality.

    A live in carer who is paid by you and unrelated will not work 24/7 like your family members burned out trying to. They will need regular days and nights off when you will need relief cover, they will need holidays and sickness provision.

    A carer who is trained and paid to meet your wife's needs will not feed, dress, bath, put to bed, wake up, transport, clean up after and generally provide physical care for your children too. You can't pay somebody to replace a parent, certainly not on carer's wages!

    The first thing you need to do though, is talk to your wife. You are treating her like a child or an imbecile at the moment. As you say she is mentally competent and might just have an opinion on what is going to happen to her if/when you leave rather than just being happy to do as she's told! You are in a position of substantial power over her, don't abuse it.
    • Money maker
    • By Money maker 8th Oct 17, 12:28 PM
    • 4,859 Posts
    • 11,094 Thanks
    Money maker
    Just do what you need to do, you dont need to justify yourself here. This forum is usually all about looking after yourself so not sure where the vitriol has come from. Others have left their spouses for far worse reasons and not had this spite. My close family member had MS so I know what it can do.


    But you must talk to your wife about the children. See if she feels she can cope with them. It can be quite a task getting 2 children out of the door and up the road for school when you're able bodied. What about school meetings, shows and other things that require a parent to attend school? Do not make your small children her carers - they deserve a full and normal life as much as possible.
    Please do not quote spam as this enables it to 'live on' once the spam post is removed.

    If you quote me, don't forget the capital 'M'

    Declutterers of the world - unite!
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 8th Oct 17, 12:28 PM
    • 7,217 Posts
    • 10,137 Thanks
    KxMx
    There is something missing from your post, who would physically care for the children when you leave?

    That is not the job of an outside carer. You would need to organise a nanny or au pair on top.

    From the level of physical difficulty you describe your wife as having, she could not adequately care for them by herself, even with a carer.

    I also appreciate what you say about having children and your wife's medical history.

    However, you both knew she had MS when the decision was taken to have both children. It really does seem like you are avoiding your responsibilities then and now.

    Another poster made a good point, if your wife needs to go into a care home what happens to the children then?
    Last edited by KxMx; 08-10-2017 at 12:30 PM.
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