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  • FIRST POST
    • Westminster
    • By Westminster 7th Oct 17, 4:46 PM
    • 809Posts
    • 497Thanks
    Westminster
    Considering separation from Disabled partner
    • #1
    • 7th Oct 17, 4:46 PM
    Considering separation from Disabled partner 7th Oct 17 at 4:46 PM
    Hi all

    Forgive me if this reads liked jumbled ramblings but this is my thought process so far.

    Background
    We have been married for 12 years.
    We own a mortgaged property together - it’s in both our names but I don’t recall (without digging out the paperwork) whether it’s joint tenancy or tenants in common.

    Draft letter to my wife
    I have been drafting some text to put in a letter to my wife as I expect it all to get very emotionally charged very quickly and I want to make sure I get everything across even if it’s much later that she reads it:

    Firstly I realise that while it is very difficult for me to say these things, it will likely be very significantly harder for you to hear them and for that I apologise. What follows is a rather rambling selection of my thoughts and decision making process over this difficult situation.

    I have been unhappy in our relationship for quite some time although have made several attempts to force myself to change my feelings / views but I have been unable to do so.

    I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed. However I am not ‘blaming’ you for this - I just feel that we have grown apart in the same way many ‘normal’ couples would, we just have an extra dynamic. In all honesty, if it were not for your MS, I would probably have left several years ago so I really have tried hard to make this work.

    While I still have affection for you and do care what happens to you moving forward, I have not felt love for a long time and have felt somewhat trapped by our situation and your condition as I would otherwise have probably done something about this a few years ago.

    I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

    Perhaps you are wondering if there is anyone else in my life - I can 100% percent say that there is nobody else and never has been anyone else. I haven’t as much as held someone else’s hand and I have no interest in finding anyone else at this time.

    The boys are the most important thing to me and to help secure their future I intend to do what I can to keep my flying career so that I can continue to provide you all with a secure home. I hope their sunny disposition can help you through this and will always be on hand to help as and when I can.

    I want to be very clear that I would love to have the boys living with me but its impractical with my work schedule and very unfair for you.

    I hope we can maintain shared custody so that some of the time when I am home (and when convenient to you) the boys could live with me for some of the time.

    I hope that we can keep a good relationship / communication going forward and while I fully expect this news to be extremely difficult, I also think you would very much prefer to keep the boys living with you and I am happy for them to do that and hope we can arrange an informal access program to fit in with my work etc. I intend to rent a property nearby so that I can help out with them as much as possible and so that we can share access / custody of the boys - particularly during the school holidays.

    I hope that once the initial dust has settled, we will be able to share the parenting decisions as much as is possible.

    Obviously the cats were a gift and I am happy for you to keep them. In fact there is very little I would want to take with me apart from those few items I would naturally see as ‘mine’ which would be laptop / server, my car etc. Everything else is up for discussion and I’m happy to leave you with pretty much everything else as you choose. While you may not want me back inside the house, if you do need any help with internet etc them I am happy to offer assistance. I will try to get as much as possible about the household accounts all together so there isn’t much you need to do.

    I’m taking my time over this process before I tell you as I want to make sure your situation is as stable as possible before I leave. I am hopeful that after the initial sense of loss from having to start using aids etc, that you ultimately feel better as your agency staff will be here solely for your needs so you won’t ever feel like you are ‘disturbing’ someone else when you need something.

    I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We don’t have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you won’t be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.
    Last edited by Westminster; 07-10-2017 at 4:54 PM.
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Page 2
    • jimbo747
    • By jimbo747 7th Oct 17, 9:15 PM
    • 238 Posts
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    jimbo747
    So much for in sickness and in health.
    • maman
    • By maman 7th Oct 17, 9:16 PM
    • 16,842 Posts
    • 100,590 Thanks
    maman
    Don't send her all that. Stick to the fact that you are leaving and why, say that you want to see her happy and continue to support her and the children and that you wouldn't dream of separating her from them but that you hope you can work out something you're all happy with, once you've both had time to adjust to the idea of separation. Including all the practical stuff in the first letter makes it seem very cold and calculated, but I don't think that's what you are, so leave it out and just let her know that you will work it out later.
    Originally posted by rach_k
    I agree. I had very similar thoughts when I read the letter. It may be the case that he's finding the caring wearing but there's no need to add further hurt to a hurtful situation by unloading it on her.

    I can see why he needs to keep his job. He's going to have massive financial commitments for many years to come. Part time / child friendly wouldn't cover that.

    As for the suggestion that he should care for the children. Surely to take the boys as well would be devastating for OP's wife and a very cruel solution.

    I'm sure OP has thought long and hard about this decision. Carrying on feeling this way would result in increasing bitterness and resentment and a horrible atmosphere for everyone.

    I think those posters suggesting OP should just pretend that all is well and soldier on are, although compassionate, being idealistic. It's not an ideal world. Stuff happens.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 7th Oct 17, 9:22 PM
    • 2,694 Posts
    • 2,651 Thanks
    cjdavies
    Wow. What a first class a-hole you come across as.

    Why not just write:

    Your disability is making my life tedious so I am leaving you to try and have a chance at meeting someone normal. Hopefully the kids will look after you.

    Is this post for real??
    Originally posted by pinkshoes
    Lets not forget, "the wedding vows were a joke i didn't mean them".
    • chesky
    • By chesky 7th Oct 17, 9:41 PM
    • 792 Posts
    • 1,101 Thanks
    chesky
    Why is the carer leaving?
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 7th Oct 17, 10:22 PM
    • 796 Posts
    • 777 Thanks
    badmemory
    Well lets just hope he isn't (wasn't) working for Monarch or Ryanair being investigated by HMRC!
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 7th Oct 17, 10:22 PM
    • 1,736 Posts
    • 4,675 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    As for the suggestion that he should care for the children. Surely to take the boys as well would be devastating for OP's wife and a very cruel solution.
    Originally posted by maman
    The children are 4 and 5, and he thinks its appropriate to leave them in the sole care of a woman who can't feed herself or stand unaided.

    As much as I'm sure she loves them, it sounds like she can't physically care for them safely on her own. He seems to expect that some magical carer can move in who will look after the whole family 24/7, but I'm pretty sure Mary Poppins is fictional.
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 7th Oct 17, 10:38 PM
    • 1,049 Posts
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    Poor_Single_lady
    This is a Strange letter. It's like "I'm leaving you and I'm taking legal advice about how to get all my money out of he house, but don't be concerned because I'll always come round and fix the broadband"
    And how generous I am not taking any furniture or cats because I am such a wonderful man. I'm leaving you, but please can you note that I am doing it in a really great manner so no hard feelings yeah.

    Find a kinder way. And don't Push the point of your generosity while you are leaving. Think about it from her point of view and not yours- it's just possible that it's not top priority whether or not you met somebody else, but don't write your letter as though you are husband of the year for having no interest in meeting somebody else.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

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    • sulphate
    • By sulphate 7th Oct 17, 10:39 PM
    • 1,085 Posts
    • 3,189 Thanks
    sulphate
    This is unreal. You are leaving your disabled wife and 2 young children because you “can’t cope” with her disability. How do you expect them to cope when you leave? How unbelievably selfish.
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 7th Oct 17, 10:45 PM
    • 7,145 Posts
    • 10,000 Thanks
    KxMx
    You took a marriage vow, in sickness and in health.

    You had 2 children despite your wife's health situation.

    You need to man up and take some responsibility for the situation.

    Act not in the best interests of yourself but of your children.

    If you truly feel the marriage is over, then fine, but do not abandon your children as well as your wife.
    • ceegee
    • By ceegee 7th Oct 17, 10:50 PM
    • 792 Posts
    • 488 Thanks
    ceegee
    If you intend seeking professional advice re the splitting of the property, do you not think that any solicitor will raise the matter of the appropriate care of your poor children? Also, if they are at school mightn't the school raise questions about their care?

    Poor children. Poor wife. Yes, it's a very sad situation, but you come across as if you think that by doing this, that or the other then everything will be alright, when that isn't the case. It also seems to me that you are using your flying career and the, presumably, high salary that comes with it as a cop-out. If you really intend leaving, then perhaps you ought to see a solicitor who specialises in family business, as it isn't going to be as easy as you seem to think it will be from a practical point of view. That's even before the emotional trauma that will beset everyone involved.
    "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow........"
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 7th Oct 17, 10:54 PM
    • 2,255 Posts
    • 3,203 Thanks
    trailingspouse
    This letter reads to me like it's written by someone who has thought long and hard about what they are thinking about doing.

    OP - you've worked out all of the details, and you have a good line in self-justification.

    Your wife will not read past the 'I'm leaving' - don't burden her with the detail, it's bad enough (for all of you) that you feel you need to go. She has little enough control over her life now - and you have everything organised even after you've left.

    There is never a good time to leave a marriage. You would lose a lot of friends even if your wife was in the spit of health. And lots of marriages break up because one of the partners, or one of the children, has a life limiting condition. It's hard, and you're going through hell. And I think you are coping with it all by trying to be organised, getting things sorted, doing what you can.

    When you tell her it's over, please do it face-to-face. And please be willing to go for counselling before you make any final decisions. Tell her you're struggling, be honest with her (and allow her to be honest with you), and ask for help from professionals. You may still decide to leave, but at least you'll both know that you tried.

    One final thought (and my apologies, but it's something you need to think about) - how will you feel when the inevitable happens?
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 7th Oct 17, 11:10 PM
    • 9,624 Posts
    • 12,137 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Can you not just TALK to her?

    Please don't use the word 'normal' in your letter. Ouch.
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • Diary
    • By Diary 7th Oct 17, 11:11 PM
    • 571 Posts
    • 750 Thanks
    Diary
    He says he would have left years ago but still went on to have 2 children with his by then disabled wife. He then goes on to dump her and leave with the 2 children he wanted knowing she was unable to care for them by herself.

    As someone who also cannot stand and uses a permanent catheter, is tube fed and has a ventilator I find this attitude disgraceful. While far from perfect thank goodness my husband has more ba11s than him.

    The letter is patronising and self-serving.

    I hope he leaves her as soon as possible.
    • globetraveller
    • By globetraveller 7th Oct 17, 11:32 PM
    • 2,057 Posts
    • 11,844 Thanks
    globetraveller
    If you have felt like this for several years, why did you have children? Were you hoping they would be a help to your wife?
    I actually can't believe you have copied your letters to this forum. Dnot you realise what it makes you look like? How on earth is your wife meant to cope with 2 children? But never mind , you will get your life back and that's the main thing.
    There are so many detais here , your wife or a friend may find it Perhaps we need to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is depression talking. But I wonder if your employers would want a depressed pilot? ?
    Think of a career change so that you can at least see your children every day. They come first. A future possible wife may be put off that the vows would be just " in health."
    weight loss target 23lbs/49lb
    • keepcalmandstayoutofdebt
    • By keepcalmandstayoutofdebt 7th Oct 17, 11:43 PM
    • 2,863 Posts
    • 1,501 Thanks
    keepcalmandstayoutofdebt
    This is a Strange letter.
    Originally posted by Poor_Single_lady
    Perhaps, just perhaps it's the OP's only way to cry for help.

    A whole family needs help.

    Hoping they haven't done anything stupid, this whole thread needs to be treated with concern.
    "If you are caught in a rainstorm, once you accept that you'll receive a soaking, the only thing left to do is enjoy the walk"
    • svain
    • By svain 8th Oct 17, 12:20 AM
    • 159 Posts
    • 299 Thanks
    svain
    wow ... some of the responses are as unreal as the OP .... My guess is most of you criticising have done no more than cared for your partners when they have a cold. Unless you have been in similar situation your imagination wont even be close to the reality of caring for someone in this situation.

    The leaving children to fend for themselves (effectively) is a different matter entirely
    • Sam Fallow
    • By Sam Fallow 8th Oct 17, 1:15 AM
    • 800 Posts
    • 1,833 Thanks
    Sam Fallow
    As a full time carer for my wife I feel I'm qualified to comment here but I can't think of the right words.

    Our life has changed to the point where everything is different to what we had, but when I married her it was a one shot deal. Inside, she is still the woman I fell in love with.

    OP, I believe you are a brave man to decide to go but I hope you can live with the guilt.
    BTW your letter is all kinds of wrong from start to finish.
    I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.
    • Diamandis
    • By Diamandis 8th Oct 17, 1:16 AM
    • 28 Posts
    • 58 Thanks
    Diamandis
    As a disabled woman, I'd still manage to beat the crap out of you for giving me a letter like this.
    • Diamandis
    • By Diamandis 8th Oct 17, 1:26 AM
    • 28 Posts
    • 58 Thanks
    Diamandis
    What do you think happens to young children who are left with a parent who is unable to care for them properly?
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 8th Oct 17, 8:56 AM
    • 10,991 Posts
    • 15,172 Thanks
    Pixie5740
    I can't imagine how draining it is physically, mentally and emotionally being a carer. You probably think that working out all the practicalities of leaving and putting it in the letter is being helpful but it's not. That letter is !!!!ing brutal. You might not have meant it to be but it is. It comes across as though rather than talk to your wife you've been plotting your escape for quite some time.

    Have you tried talking to your wife about how you both feel about the situation or suggested relationship counselling? The outcome could well end up being the same but the relationship would end on better terms than using that letter. If separation is inevitable then it would be better to discuss the practicalities of how it would all work with the children, carers, the house, etc together.
    Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds nought and six, result misery.
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